Red Sox feel Delusion key to success in 2012

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and ARNIE...stop feeding me those delicious buttermilk pancakes dipped in heavy cream sauce...oh this is SO good.

Anyway, the Red Sox have now announced the full delusion campaign to kick off the season and guarantee a World Series title.  Here are some of the highlights.

Daniel Bard
"I have only two pitches and have serious control problems making me an incredibly ineffective starter but I am a starter and management is behind me as a starter and by golly I'm gonna do just fine because I'll develop many more pitches and fix my control problems and increase my velocity and its gonna be terrific.  If that doesn't work I have my great intelligence to fall back on.  Don't worry fans because even if my ERA is 24.93 and I give up say 80 runs a game I'm still better than anyone else on the team so relax fans.  It's all good. I want to be a starter not a team player and that makes me betterer.  "

David Ortiz
I may be 36 and have the legs of someone running in slow motion and constantly hit into a force out but you wait.  I'm gonna turn it around. I've been drinking milk fortified with calcium and vitamin A as well as vitamin water and that gives me the extra speed I need and it grows strong and healthy bones.  I predict .450 avg with 75 hr and 212 rbi's.  That's pretty realistic but if you don't think so I can give you even greater pretend.

Andrew Bailey
You could say I'm Papelbon lite and that would be a fair assessment.  I don't have his stuff or his personality and that is a problem.  I'm a downstep from Papelbon for sure...but wait!  I've been eating Flintstones chewable vitamins and drinking wheat grass juice and waiting for the planets to align themselves.  With that alone you should expect 100 saves and a fastball going at about 150 mph or so sort of like the Terminator.  I'll be back...no really that sounded just like the movie.  I'm not worried.

Bobby Valentine
I know I'm new and this is all a growing experience and we don't have the talent or the seasoning to cope...I'm not worried.  I keep looking around and around to find talent that gets us ready for the season and I keep coming back to me.  I mean when I see myself in the mirror I...easily see 100 games and a World Series title.  You really don't need a great team when you have Bobby Valentine because Bobby Valentine doesn't have great teams...Bobby Valentine makes them great and if not, I can always work for Fox as a commentator.  You think I was tough on the Red Sox before....YA...just WAIT!

Andrian Gonsalez
I'm a first baseman and its not my fault the Sox paid for a player with slow legs and a lousy attitude.  Actually now that I have that contract...I'm seeing myself hitting .500 with 50 hrs and 2000 RBI's and if I don't...what are you gonna do about it.  I mean its not like you can FIRE me.  I love you Scott Boras.  I love you Theo Epstein.  Oh...give me some attitude and can you say J.D. Drew?  Thought so!


I'm Joe Derive and we'll wait till NEXT YEAR.