Superman's Blog

A bit different than my usual blog entry but when a crazy idea comes to bear, you have to go with it. 


The following is a secret excerpt from Superman's diary.

Being a superhero, especially someone as iconic as myself presents its obvious problems.  That's why I welcome my secret identity of Clark Kent where I can be a normal human instead of a superhero.

Now, I admit, I generally try to stay neutral about such things but not a baseball fan.  Bruce (Batman) is and loves the Red Sox.   I could care less.  I hate sports mainly because I can never participate in them.  Imagine Superman being a pitcher making millions instead of being stuck in this dead end job as a newspaper reporter.  Still Bruce and I are friends and as much as I despise his bitter attitude and his creepy persona and that stupid batcave, Bruce and I are friends...for whatever reason.

Now, as the persona of Clark Kent, I've been assigned to interview Tim Wakefield. I have no idea why but Perry (Perry White) asked me to do an interview with him as he's a Tim Wakefield fan.  I'm a crime beat reporter but newspapers don't have the budgets they used to have. 

Now Tim's a smart person.  How do I know that?  Well, within meeting him for one minute I got:

"Clark, you don't really think a set of glasses will fool anyone when it comes to Superman right?"

OK, that caught me off guard.  Nobody knows my identity -- except for the Justice League and my wife Lois (Lois Lane) so that caught me off guard.

"Who else knows?"

"Ah, "said Tim. "The entire Red Sox team, New England, England, France. Scotland...just about everyone but Metropolis...but you're secret is safe.  Everyone knows it but nobody talks about it.  You know how that is."

I nodded trying to remain calm.  This was far more reaching that I suspected. 

"So what's your question?"

I was nervous.  I admit it.  My steel heart pounded against my titanium chest.  I examined Tim for listening devices...wow he's getting out of shape.  Anyway, I decided it was best to continue.

"So tell me...do you ever feel embarrassed wearing that costume...I mean its iconic and all but red underwear...and a cape.  "

I pointed out to him that baseball players were knickers (which I had to explain to him what they were) as well as red socks, play a kids game for millions of dollars and whine continuously when they retire.  That shut him up...but the truth was that I am shamed about it.  It worked great in the 30's but this is 2012.  Ya its out of date but I try to argue its retro.  After all styles come and go right?

"So tell me Clark, with all the poverty, corruption and general wars going on, why do you reserve yourself for street crime and the general egomaniac villain like Darkseid?"

He's right of course but its complicated.  After wrecking half a major city and killing thousands -- if not millions taking down someone like Darkseid, I have a serious publicity problem.  Nobody wants Darkseid and his minions tearing apart the planet...but nobody wants their city destroyed in the process.  People are so hard to please and that's why I have a (S)uperpac fund to keep my public image up...which of course prevents me from solving serious corporate crime like corrupt banks.  How can I do that and have my (S)uperpac funded and then there are the Superman toys and games and lunch boxes.  All that extra income goes into the (S)uperpac to fund television and radio ads promoting me so the public forgets I once took down Times Square defeating General Zod. Thank goodness for those corrupt housing loans and general Wall Street crime.  I take a cut of all of it to fund my (S)uperpac and in return I look away from Wall Street.  Ya it's kind of completely corrupt but at the same time, I need my (S)uperpac to survive.

"Anyway Clark, I gotta ask ya.  How come you didn't turn bad?"

Turn bad?  Superman does not turn evil. I am a symbol of good.  I know that because my (S)uperpac puts it on all the bumper stickers and that's the latest campaign ad I run...so I know I turn good.  Hmm...I wonder if this has anything to do with Bruce (Batman) not returning my phone calls...but he should talk.  He has the (B)atPac fund that funnels millions into his ad campaign to promote Batman.  After all, last week he assaulted fifty people, brutalized the Joker, Two-Face, Penquin and Poisin Ivy while paying off Commissioner Gordon to keep his mouth shut.  Ya, so much for high ideals Bruce!

"Clark?"

Then there is Wonder Woman.  You don't think she wears that outfit to fight crime!  No, its to remind people how attractive she looks so nobody notices that she's tearing down a large skyscraper to defeat one of her enemies and don't get me started about Hawkgirl.  Every grunt with her hammer and there goes the neighborhood.  We all have pac funds and are buried in money.  How else can we defeat crime?

"Clark?"

I mean the nerve of Tim asking this question?  Do you think I like stupid movies made about me.  Has he seen Superman III?  I nearly hurled all over myself!  Then there was Superman Returns but I have to sit and smile and show up at those red carpet events talking like an idiot about how they may have guessed my secret identity.  Come to think of it, those movies do reveal my identity!  Man, I must be the dumbest person alive!

"Clark, are you thinking you're the dumbest person alive or something?"

He's right of course. Tim is always right.  That's his persona.  Mine is saving the world for I'm Superman. Ya that's right.  I'm Superman.