Curt Schilling Explains Himself

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I am MAD.  What is Curt Schilling, THE Curt Schilling selling himself out to the All-Drug baseball game.  I had to find out so I screamed...er...called Curt and had a nice conversation with him against the backdrop of his home.

Joe:
Curt, we've known each other for a very long time but this is a new low.  How could you announce the All-Drug baseball game?  What were you THINKING?

Curt:
Joe, I like you.  You know that.  You're smart, you're compassionate about the game and most of all you invested in 38 Studios...

Joe:
(Well, I can't be that smart).

Curt:
The point is that I'm broke.  I need...oh that reminds me are we filming this?

Joe:
Ya?

Curt: (Turns towards camera)
Friends, have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling at the end of the month.  That's not a nice feeling...

Joe:
Curt, what in heck are you doing?

Curt:
Advertising my latest feminine care products...

Joe:
Oh for heaven's sake Curt.  STOP IT.  PLEASE.

Curt:
Look Joe, their are a lot of people out their struggling with facial beauty and that's why I'm promoting Mabeline...

Joe:
ENOUGH.  Curt...you're a baseball legend.  Act like it.

Curt:
I NEED MONEY!

Joe:
Curt, for goodness sakes, do what others do in your case.  They don't advertise skin cream and ...other things...

Curt:
You're right Joe.  And Finding Hardcore Porn can be a difficult thing so always look for the Curt Schilling label when you need some BSM or whatever you call it and...

Joe:
ALL RIGHT already.  Now Curt.  You are NOT selling this stuff OK.  You are doing to do these three things to get money:

Curt:
OK...

Joe:
1) Be respectable.  Advertise hard core alcohol like all sports professionals, preferably beer, Vodka, etc.

Curt:
Ya...I can do that.

Joe:
Start your own reality show.  Bring the cameras into your home.  Scream and yell at the TV or something.  Throw a lawnmower around.  Throw some furniture around.  Yell at the neighbors.  It's good TV and it will give you some DIGNITY.


Curt:
Hey I do that already.  Joe, you were always their for me.  I swear I'm gonna cry.

Joe:
Finally, appear on game shows.  Appear on TV shows like Law and Order SUV or whatever its called.  Appear on them as yourself -- if you can't act -- or, if you can, another character.  Appear in truck ads and local used-car dealerships.  Curt...FIND YOUR DIGNITY.

Curt:
Joe you saved my life.  If I had to advertise catherers on the air...

Joe:
Ya that's Bobby Valentine's gig.  OK Curt...you feel better.

Curt:
Ya...now about that money I owe you for 38 Studios...

Joe:
Oh I forgot about that.

Joe (turning towards camera)
Hello friends.  Have you had that not-so-fresh feeling at the end of the month....