Altitude Sickness
Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek and Tim Wakefield woke up feeling a blast of cold air strike their lungs.
"AH, " snapped Mike Lowell. "Do you two have any idea what its like going to the BATHROOM...in an OUTHOUSE...with a bad hip."
Tim paused and said, "I really don't want that picture in my head."
Jason said, "tell me about it...no really tell me about the toilet experience."
A long pause ensued.
They looked around and each saw their own demise trapped in this van inside YellowStone Park. They were unable to get a good nights sleep after being unable to get their tent together but when they finally got the tent together they forgot the rain flap. Then it snowed. They slept in the car all night after it snowed. Jason was crushing the other two during the night trying to get warm.
"Oh my back, "snapped Tim Wakefield getting up.
"Oh my hip, "gritted Mike Lowell.
"Oh my, "said Jason Varitek. "Is that a bear?"
The three looked out watching a male bear and her cubs walk across the field of fog and cold.
"Cool, "said Tim Wakefield.
"Amazing, "said Mike Lowell.
"Wow those are big..." said Jason Varitek before Tim Wakefield cut him off.
The three got out shivering against the cold air.
"I hate this trip, "snapped Mike. "Stupid camping trip and stupid ideas. I want a HOT shower and I want to feel clean again. This was the most retarded idea from your head, "snapped Mike Lowell. "How in hell..."
The two starred at Jason almost weeping before his tears turned to crystals and fell down his face.
"Sorry..." said both of the men shivering against the cold.
"It's OK."
"What we need is a hot breakfast, "said Mike.
"Great, I'll get the stove out."
Immediately the two others ran into the van and grabbed the stove. They then started up the van and ran over the strove crushing it.
"We're going to get some food at a f-king HOT place, "snapped Mike.
Jason nodded and ran in the van.
Later they sat at a restaurant inside devouring their food.
"Excuse me, "said the waiter. "Are you Mike Lowell?"
Mike looked up with an attempt at a dignified face but was already drenched in syrup from the pancakes so perhaps that was a pointless effort.
"Ya, "said Mike with some uncertainty in his voice.
"Sorry to see you go. Bum deal. You're so much better than your record shows."
Mike smiled gritting his teeth.
"Can I get your autograph. My neighbor is a big fan of yours."
"I'm Tim Wakefield, 'said Tim.
"That's nice. "
Tim then raised his hand and said, "I won the Roberto Clemete award."
"God I hate braggers, "said the waiter. "Hey are you a coach on the team now?"
Tim let his hand down sulking into the oatmeal.
"Oh man, you're Jason Varitek. Man you're were great before you got old."
Jason nodded his face holding the knife at an angle directed at the waiter.
"Ya, my Dad says you suck now but were great at one time. Guess that's what happens when you get old."
Jason turned away.
"Hey, why don't you shut up and...oh ya who do I make this out too?"
The waiter said, "my uncle. He says you're the best player on the team. I think so to."
Mike smiled as the other two sat and sulked.
"See ya."
Jason and Tim starred at each other.
"I hate fans."
"Hey, when you got it you got it, "smirked Mike.
The two began the climb that day.
"My hip hurts...this cold weather!"
The other two ignored him and climbed the mountain. At 10,000 feet up even Mike felt the pain go away instead focusing on not falling off the cliff and killing himself. They saw goats and an occasional chipmunk and the like. As they climbed up they felt lightheaded and tired.
"Man, I'm out of shape, 'said Jason.
"My hip hurts, "snapped Mike.
"No s-t, "said Tim Wakefield.
They trekked to the inside of the top feeling relief at arriving at the end. The air was so warm inside. The crystals from their beards melted.
"My hip hurts."
"My back hurts, "said Tim.
"I feel...oh man I feel nauseous."
The three,after some routine pictures headed down the mountain. They walked until they could walk no more and made it to the large restaurant...now that the stove was busted. They all looked pale and yellow.
"I don't feel so good, "said Jason.
Soon the three ran into the bathroom and sent their breakfast and lunch into the toilet. Large moaning sounds reverberated in the room. A man ran out and said,
"You won't believe this. In that bathroom is Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield and they're throwing up all over the place. "
Minutes later the three walked out of the bathroom looking pale, exhausted and tired.
"I...will never...camp again....", said Mike Lowell.
"I'm never...going...to...camp again, 'said Tim Wakefield.
"Anybody hungry, "asked Jason Varitek.
The two looked at him before running back into the restroom.
.
After dinner they ran to the van, got inside, bulleted out of Yellowstone and headed for the airport but not before they took all their camping equipment and ran over it again and again on the road until it was all completely crushed.
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