Tuesday, November 29, 2011

We Need A Direction

John Henry sat around the conference table. Along with Larry Lucchino and general manager Ben Cherington there were bowls of breads and cheeses, wines of different varieties and steaming bowls of wild rice. There were sandwiches and fresh fruit and all sorts of chocolates. Instead of eating though, they sat around and watched the clock listening to the ticking sound. John especially liked to tap his fingers in rhythm to the ticking sound of the clock. For some reason Larry gripped his fist all the more tight as time went on.

"I need to get to Liverpool, "said John Henry. "I have important work managing my investment. Deciding things like a manager can wait since Red Sox fans will love the game no matter how stupid we are. Ha, I didn't say that on the air did I? I hate sounding dumb like when I said we shouldn't have signed Crawford. That really made me look stupid didn't it."

"I say Valentine, "shouted Larry ignoring John's rants.

"I say Julio Lugo, "screamed Ben.

"I say Tea, Earl Gray, hot, "said John Henry.

The two looked at Henry.

"Look we all need a manager at some point but who cares. We can function without one. Heck its just a waste of money. I think we have more pressing matters like if we sign Papelbon or not, "said John.

"He signed with the Phillies, "said Larry growling every sound out while starring down Ben Cherington.

"Oh, well how about we get a new pitching coach and a hitting coach and third base coach and a..."

"We can't seem to even decide what color carpet we should have in this room, "growled Larry.

"Red..."

"Blue..." shouted Larry.

"I think I'd like some nice wireless stereo headphones for my trip to England, "said John Henry.

"Red..."

"Blue..." shouted Larry.

"Did you guys see last week's Liverpool match. That was quite exciting considering I fell asleep."

Just then Julio Lugo walked in and sat on the floor -- mainly because he failed to sit on the chair miscalculating the distance between chair and body. It was a common misstep.

"Look, Lugo is perfect. He runs a great radio show and he's smart-ful-er about baseball, "shouted Ben.

"He's an idiot, "growled Larry. "And he's not the only one in the room!"

"Look guys, I'm ready to take charge. Just let me mange these guys to a SuperBowl or whatever you call the big...ah...thing...you win...World Playoff?" said Lugo.

"And this is your best choice, "shouted Ben!

"I need an nap, "sighed John with a slight smile. "The Earl Gray tea can wait..."

"I am sick to death of your obsession with tea and sleep John. The Sox are collapsing and all you can do is fly to LiverPool and drink tea. Don't you get it...Cherington is an IDIOT."

"I resent that, don't you Lugo?"

"Absolutely, "said Lugo who spilled the cup of water in front of him while reaching for it. Lugo had bad hand/eye coordination. "I feel we need real leaders who lead and bring in titles and rings and notebooks with rings...hey get it...ringed notebooks?" laughed Lugo.

"That's funny, "said Ben.

"That's stupid, "said Larry.

"Did anyone ever save the crew of Gilligan's Island. I really hope they got off that island and head off to my Liverpool match, "said John Henry.

"We need Valentine, "shouted Larry.

"Lugo, "screamed Ben.

Lugo who leaned back in his chair watched the ceiling form as his entire body crashed on the floor.

"That's some nice ceiling tile John..."

'Wow Lugo, you really think so. I think I do like you as a manager. You can start right away!"

"I quit, "screamed Larry.

"I'm successfuller, "said Ben.

"OK now off to Liverpool. I have a game to catch."

"Bye John, "shouted Ben.

"Bye John, "said Lugo.

"Go to @$#$ " cursed Larry.

John paused and thought about something. A small layer of smoke rose above his hair. "I feel like I should say something...but I have Liverpool to worry about. Bye!"

John walked out and so did Larry but Lugo and Ben stood around and ate food thinking about things like how to get Gilligan off the Island or how to save the Lost In Space ship. Nothing about baseball was ever discussed.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dan Cherington's Press Conference

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I couldn't believe that they rehired me -- and just in time for Dan Cherington's press conference. Oh, here he comes now!

"Hi everyone. I am so excited to be here. You know starring at a computer screen for SOOO many years makes a man hungry for a beer. Anyway, ask away because I am the new face of the Red Sox."

I have to say this was not a good start.

"Mr. Cherington, could you comment on why Jonathan Papelbon wasn't even given an offer by the Sox? I mean this is a premiere closer."

Dan leans back.

"You know, my daddy used to say to me...son...do you ever feel that your lack of brains slows you down in life?"

Dan leans forward.

"I am the Red Sox CEO and other things and the last thing I am going to do is sign a closer when there are so many out there. I mean closers are a dime-a-dozen. Look at 2007 when Eric Gagne won us a World Series or when Roger Clemens won the 1875 World Series. Don't you worry."

I have to say that Dan is making me wish for Theo's return.

"Dan, do you think the Red Sox will have a manager soon!"

"Glad you asked that. I mean we were all set for the third base coach. As my father used to say -- 'son, sometimes a fish is best observed underwater...and I have no idea what he meant by that.' Anyway, he was a great choice as we spoke the same language. We knew that ten plus ten is twenty five. Anyway, John Henry suggested I drive my car into a tree...which I took meant he wanted another choice for manager. "

"Dan, what about Tim Wakefield? Will you sign him?"

"Well, I gotta tell ya. Everyone here loves Tim Wakefield and he needs to know right away he's a washout...I mean what his role is-- if any -- which isn't much of a role. So like as my father used to say -- 'son, when you bake a cake, use a pan and not a bowl and break a few eggs and toss some of that in there until you're sure its cooled off...and I have no idea what he meant by that."

"Dan, what about Theo Epstein. Why did the Red Sox let him go and then deal with bargaining talks...and don't tell us about your father."

Dan leans back.

"I gotta tell ya, that was really dumb of me to suggest that. What was I thinking. It's like my father used to say -- 'son, when you drive your car always remember that its you and not the other drivers that determine their destiny because destiny is like a duck swimming on water and not like a whale eating fish. I have no idea what I mean by that son.' So that should sum it up...hey you guys like country music."

Dan pulled out his guitar despite our screams.

When I was a young boy,
and my Daddy held my hand,
He told me what was right and wrong,
and he told me what was bad,
Then one day he told me that,
Sometimes things go wrong,
But just remember that things don't get no right

La, la, la la la, la la la la la

When I grew up I found my stake of life,
It was a really nice steak that I broiled by the fire,
I wish she was near me so we could make our love,
Then by then the steak would be cooked,
and I'd add some onions too,
I fell like the harmonica,
is marinating my heart,

La la la la la la la la la

"Next question please..."

Like I said everyone, I really miss Theo Epstein all of a sudden.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Theo's Press Conference

Theo Epstein sat on the brink of power resting against the boardroom table examining his staff. He had Arnie, his cook, Ellen, his player advisor, Andrew, his lawyer, Garry his baseball consultant, and Greg his history consultant.

"OK, what we need for the first press conference..."

"Get Mike Lowell for a manager, "shouted Ellen.

Theo, who felt his headache coming back sighed.

"Ellen, Mike is doing well with a radio show. He has a bad hip. Now I am thinking instead of Eric Gagne for the closer. Cheap buy at 4.5 million per year."

Theo heard a thumping and turned to Garry.

"Calm down Garry. It's a smart move. I've used the this type of logic to bring the Red Sox to third place two years in a row for a cost of over $450 million so I know what I'm doing. "

"Mike Lowell...please. "

Theo shook his head.

"Greg, what do you think?"

'I'm a Roman historian and you're asking me? However if you want my opinion..."

"No not really...not when Julio Lugo will be the new Cubs new manager. "

"What the #$#$ " shouted everyone.

"Calm down, "said Theo. "I'm in control. When I get through the Cubs will be in at least forth place with a proud $500 million dollar budget. "

"You're insane, "shouted Gary.

"And...loving it, "smiled Theo. "Anyway, I have a press conference...thanks for the Vodka Arnie!"

"No problem, "smiled Arnie.

......... LATER............

"...Yes, I think Chicago's future is here...how...wow its getting hot in here. Is the room spinning."

'Mr. Epstein, what is your policy about drinking in the clubhouse."

"Great question. I and my Chicagut peoplers will support no more drink in the clubhouse. We feel that drink is really bad and...wow its hot in here. "

"Ah, sir, are you OK?"

"Fine, fine, fine, fine...just fine and I am fine...wow I feel good. Hey, how many Chicago Cubs does it take to change a lightburp...bulb...ah...ya, next qwestion...ha ha that's funny."

"Mr. Epstein, two questions. One what moves are the most important for you in getting Chicago back on the map and two...are you drunk?"

"Dwunk, no dwunk....ha...as far as moves I think better uniforms. I was thinking of pink and lavendar....ah...I want a donut...somebody get me a donut...hey its too hot in here. I'm taking my clothes off."

"Sir...I think the press conference is over."

"Ovah, ovah, nevah. I am the King. I'm the King of the World. I'm BATMAN. Where's Robin and the Batmobile. The Joker is in town. Beam me up Scotty..."

"Sir, get off the stage now."

"Now, I will not. They made me an offer I can't refuse. I'm Wonder Woman....ah...wow I'm roasting. Get these clothes off..."

............. LATER.........

"Andrew, I made a complete fool of myself. What do I do now?'

"Ah, as your lawyer I have only two words -- resign now."