Red Sox Commercial

Julio Lugo
"OK, Fruit Of the Loom commercial, Take 1. Go on Julio Lugo."
Lugo walks on the set tripping over the light smashing it to the ground.
"OK, ah...step towards the camera."
Lugo walks into the camera and sends it to the ground.
"OK, back away from the camera Lugo."
Lugo backs off and trips over some wires sending two more lights to the ground.
"OK Lugo, why don't we take a break."
Jason Varitek
"OK Fruit of the Loom commercial, Take 2. Go on Jason."
"OK, when considering underwear, first consider the forces of nature that create the raw material of cotton. Cotton itself requires a staggering amount of labor and resources to generate a plant. Cotton itself is a raw material that is composed of..."
"OK Dr. Jason, why don't we take a break here."
Manny Ramirez
"OK Fruit of the Loom commercial, Take 3. Go on Manny."
"OK do you have a hard on. I have one now the size of a telephone pole. Ah, Ah! Every time I think of money I get it so let me show you how hard it is!"
"OK....let's take a break here FREAK!"
Jason Bay
"OK, Fruit of the loom Commercial...Take 4. Go on...Jason...Jason?"
"Sorry guys, I need more money. I mean, I have to explore my options. I need payment for the underwear, a car, sunroof, and let's not forget travel expenses and..."
"OK, let's take a break here...AGAIN."
Mike Lowell
"OK, Fruit of the Loom Commercial...Take 5. Mike Lowell."
"Ow!"
"Mike WATCH OUT FOR THAT CRANE!"
Mike falls on the ground after the crane accidentally breaks three ribs.
"Sure, nothing. I can...take it."
Mike leans towards the camera when a light falls on his shoulder dislocating it. "
"Dammit...grrr....if you want...crap...ah..."
"Mike what are you doing? That's a LIVE WIRE! Don't TOUCH IT!"
When Mike tried to get up as a live wire burned his clothes off his body!
"I...can...TAKE IT....I'm...AHHH...Fruit...underwear...AHHHH"
"Call the paramedics. No MIKE...THE MOUSE TRAPS!!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Clay Buckhotz
"OK, Fruit of the loom. Take...ah...whatever"
"OK...why didn't I get picked first! I'm good too! Why am I a second fiddle! I mean...I'm tired of this crap!"
"I just want to do a stupid commercial about underwear...NEXT!"
J.D. Drew
"OK Fruit of the Loom commercial...take 8. OK Drew."
"OW...damn paper cut...sorry."
"It's OK. Take your time."
"Man, these shoes are too tight. I think I broke my foot."
"Ah..."
"Oh crap, this underwear is too tight. I cracked my hip. I can't walk. Ow...my tooth hurts. Ow..my nose hurts. The hairs are too tight. Ow my jaw hurts from talking."
"OK...OUT!"
Jacobe Ellsbury
"OK Fruit of the Loom Underwear...take 9. OK Jacobe."
"Normally, I'd be glad to do a commercial for underwear. I consider myself a nice guy and all but face it dudes. My agent is Scott Boras and that means an attitude change. All I can say is #$#$ you. frankly...show me the..."
"OK, GET OUT"
Tim Wakefield
"So buy fruit of the Loom underwear at a local store near you. Is that OK?"
"OK...it was fantastic. Thank you Tim."
"Sure but I honestly think you guys paid me too much money..."

The Madness of Lowell

"HI, I'm Mike Lowell. Maybe you know me from the obvious pain I put up with every day to be in this game. Hip pain, thumb pain, I don't care. I can take body pain...but him...and you know who I mean right! I can't take it anymore but..."
Mike stops screaming.
"But I got a part-time job. Something to keep my mind off of things. I'm a Limo driver! You see the regular driver is tied up at the moment at my house...ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha!"
Mike settles down.
"But I'm not MAD"
Mike drives down the street.
"You know, what's important is to be cool about it you know. Just get your mind out of baseball...even though I almost got traded to the Ranger...AHHHH"
a pause.
"Anyway, I wonder who my first client is going to be. Surely I didn't arrange this."
Mike smiles at the window.
"Thank you driver...Fenway park."
"No problem...sir."
A pause.
"What happened to Wally?"
"Wha...ah...he threw up this morning so they ah...got me from central. Ya"
A pause.
"Oh, OK."
Mike grinds his teeth.
"OK, whew tough day."
"Really, must be that trading that total loser Mike Lowell has got to be killing you!"
A laugh.
"Ha, Mike's still with us. Even Texas turned him down."
Mike grinds a mad look on his face!
"Ya, the guy's washed up. What a pain in the butt hu!"
Mike grips the wheel harder.
"Ya, well, I suppose you could go there and all. He's not like J.D. Drew. That's a winner!"
Mike smashes his head against the steering wheel."
"Driver, you OK?"
"Oh...ya...ow...just need to tighten up the seat belt and all. Ya...Drew a winner. Ya."
Theo sat back.
"Ya, he's our rock. I love J.D. Lowell is so not Drew."
A loud scream came out the window from Mike Lowell. He huffed and puffed.
"Driver, are you OK?"
"Ya, "said Mike. "Just celebrating Drew. Ya, extended contract. Rock on DREW!"
A sigh.
"Ya, another one that was hard to let go was Julio Lugo. What a great player. I still miss him. So much better than Lowerll."
Mike slams the breaks and hits the stop sign.
"Excuse me sir. I need to step out for a second. Little....stomach flu. Go Lugo!"
"Oh sure."
Mike stepped out of the car hitting his head against the wall.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
He then calming went back in with a cracked skull, busted fingers including a thumb and a mad look on his face.
"Jesus driver, you don't look so good!"
"Ya, like that loser Mike Lowell hu. The guy who turned down a higher salary for loyalty."
A pause.
Theo signed and said, "well, we'll dump him soon enough. Hey, it's kind of fun making fun of Mike Lowell hu!"
Mike smiles like a madman.
"Let's take a trip...to the country!"
Mike grinds the transmission and bullets into the country.
"Wow this car has speed all right. Ya, like Lugnuts Lugo!"
"Lugnuts Lugo...oh shit you're Mike Lowell!"
"Ha, how long it take you to figure that out Elmer FUDD! I'm going to kill you. You're dead Theo...DEAD."
A pause.
"OK Mike, how about I buy you a burger. You like burgers."
"Oh ya, that's not going to work this time Theo!"
"OK Avatar...front row seats!"
The car stops.
"Really?"
"Of course. Let me make a ....'call' and get tickets.
Mike sat back and smiled and then stepped out of the car.
"Mike where are you going?"
The car blows up.
"Now Avatar will be a sweet deal!"

Cookie Season for Girl Stouts

You know when you have the right material, comedy is easy and being the new cookie coordinator for my troop this year gave me a lot of material.

Tim Wakefield sat at his desk at home. A long season and how girl scout cookies were upon him. Tim was just that guy because he's Tim Wakefield. All around good guy.
Tim picked up the manual and then found the cookie tools provided. A short video played.

"Hi, welcome cookie coordinator. We hope you're enjoying your complementary box of cookies. What a great reward for the minor 50 + hours of work you'll be doing.
Your task in getting your scouts to sell cookies will decide if your troop succeeds or ends up in the basement of lamentations that will forever tarnish you and your troop. Sounds bad doesn't it!"

Tim nodded feeling panic hit his heart.

"Now we're not panicking are we? We're here to ensure you succeed with arm twisting marketing tools, on line guilt trips, as well as the techniques of pressure sales and aggressive advertising. Believe me you'll need it since you're footing the bill for any unsold cookies. "

"Gee, " said Tim. "They sure come on...strong don't they."

"You're first step of course is a motivational meeting with your troop. Remind them that with the mere sale of 10,000 boxes, your troop will earn not only self esteem but a free pencil with included eraser. With 20,000 boxes they'll earn a free 8-track player so that your troop can learn the history of audio and with the sale of 30,000 cookies you'll get a free David Cassidy tape to play in your player. But, if you sell 1.2 billion boxes of cookies you're troop with get their own Sony DVD player. Are you feeling motivated or what."

Tim nodded wondering how in the world he can sell 1.2 billion boxes of cookies by March."

"You're probably wondering how you can sell 1.2 billion boxes of cookies by March. "

Tim nodded and said, "boy you guys are in tune to my needs."

"Well, the only way to sell the cookies is of course to do nothing but sell cookies but there are techniques you should know about. For example. many people with heart conditions and high cholesterol will have concerns but don't let that deter you. As long as they are properly insured you have nothing to worry about and who can resist cookies with a mere 120 calories from fat per cookie. Mmmm I'm feeling my arteries clog already with sales excitement."

Tim felt his mind wonder to the reset button on the computer.

"But don't hit that reset button! At the first meeting you'll learn techniques to let your troop feel the pressure but in a very positive way. So order that 1.2 billion boxes of cookies and go selling!"

Tim sat back and picked up the phone.

"Hell0, psychiatric hospital. Do you have any openings."

Superman's Insurance Company

(For Marcus)

A man storms into the building in long underwear and a cape that's still on fire. He sprinkles ashes on the floor before putting out the flame. He storms up to the insurance agent and slams a piece of paper in front of her.
"Ah...can I help you?"
The man burns with anger.
"I am having a real problem here!"
"Yes I can see that, "said the sarcastic insurance agent. She was dressed in a red tone that likened itself to fire and brimstone.
"I'm Superman."
She chuckles and says, "no you're not!"
The man says, "I am."
She leans back and says, "so where is your suit!"
The man grits his teeth and says, "that's what I'd like to know. Do you know how ridiculous I look saving people from a fire...in...Sears UNDERWEAR!"
The woman chuckles and says, "well I hope you got in on sale...oh you're not kidding are you?"
"No...I'm NOT"
The woman sighs and says, "oh I remember. That's the house on 4th street. We just canceled their insurance policy just after the first started. What a terrible coincidence isn't it."
The man leans down and says, "and I thought Lex Luthor was evil!"
The woman scoffs and says, "so you want your suit right?"
"And a reduction in rates. It seems to me that considering I do this for my love of people that I shouldn't have to pay $25,000 a year on a policy that was $1000 a YEAR AGO!"
The woman types on the computer.
"Well Superman, you have to understand that the suit we designed for you was not covered for things like large fires, code # 21232 and gun fights, code number #21233. We only covered it for small fires. code # 21231 and 22 caliber guns, code 22121. You can clearly see the information on page 2,125, paragraph 4. The one in fine print. "
Superman sits down and cracks the glass on the desk.
"Even my super vision can't read print the size of an atom!"
"Oh Superman, we really didn't mean to make the print that small! That was just a mistake"
"Don't insult me anymore than I already feel wearing long underwear on Sear's discount rack"
"Listen Superman, your suit will be ready soon along with the new stipulations as well. Don't worry, you're covered."
"What...NEW stipulations?????"
The woman paused and said, "fires in large buildings are only covered if limited to one floor."
"THAT's INSANE. "
"No, its insurance."
"What's the DIFFERENCE!"
A pause.
"Listen why don't we talk about this when you're calm. In the mean time you can enjoy our waiting area and have donuts and ...."
"I'd tell you to go to hell, but I can see you already live here!"
"Suit yourself...oh that was a funny pun wasn't it."
Superman smashed the desk and flies off.
{TWO DAYS LATER}
A call comes in on Superman's hot line.
"Superman...the building's on fire. HELP"
Superman paused with a smirk on his face.
"Don't I know you?"
"It's your insurance company...HELP will you!"
Superman leaned back in his chair.
"Ah, so you're saying you need me to put out the fire?"
"Yes..."
"Is it more than one floor because I can't cover you if its more than one floor. You know the contract and all. It's very technical but you can read about it...well at least until it burns up in the fire."
A pause.
"Listen, this is no time for this. We're all going to die here!"
"You know what's wrong with a bus load of insurance agents going off a cliff?"
A pause.
"Yes, it's bad of course but that's why we have Superman!"
Superman yawns.
"Ya...well I think you really need to talk to me when you calm down. Why don't you call me back later."
"We'll be dead later. HELP!"
"You know when I signed on to being Superman, I didn't expect to do things like fires. I mean small fires are OK but big ones are just not covered..."
"OK, OK I got the point. We'll talk about this but SAVE US!"
Superman hung up the phone and stretched his legs
"Today, I just made the world a better place."

The Copyright Of Lugo

John Henry had had enough. He grabbed Theo Epstein and said, "this is it idiot. I'm going to kill you."
"But why Mistah Henwy. I was always so good for you. Ha ha."
John blasted his eyes at Elmer and said, "so why did we forgo Gonsalez for an incompetent, idiotic shortstop who won't stay healthy!"
Elmer paused and looked at the camera and said, "he's got me there folks!"
Elmer pulled himself away from Henry as Henry reached for his wifle...or rifle in our case and scrammed out of the building against the blasts of shotguns. he ran through the forest until he flew into a rabbit hole. A rabbit flew out to face Mr. Henry.
Henry was huffing and puffing.
"Get out of my way Lugo Rabbit."
"Ah...what's up doc."
Henry slammed his face against the rabbit and said, "do you know how much I HATE that STUPID line!"
Bugs Lugo leaned in and said, "listen Doc. Do you know how much Warner Bros. pays me for that line. I've been saying it for over fifty years and frankly it pisses me off to hear you degrade it!"
Bugs Lugo leans towards the camera and says, "sorry about the swear folks but I gotta keep up with the times."
"You got it doc!"
Henry leans in and grinds out, "where he is. Where is Elmer Epstein!"
"Ah, personally doc...he's not in that hole!"
Henry leans in and said, "so that's where he is!"
Bugs Lugo leans down and says, "would I throw a tear gas container down that hole if Elmer was in there."
Henry smiled and said, "I would."
"Funny doc, "said Henry. "But would I drop dynamite down that hole if Elmer were down there!"
Henry smiled and said, "oh I like it!"
Bugs Lugo said, "well would I light a match and drop it down that hole!"
Henry smiled and said, "stop it! I'm enjoying this too much!"
Bugs lugo looks at the camera and said, "these pictures are too violent aren't they!"
Henry jumped up and down and said, "light it...light it!"
Bugs dropped the match down the hole and it exploded.
"OK rabbit. I guess he's not here."
Henry walked away. Bugs looked at the camera and said, "ain't I a stinker."
Elmer looked up covered in ash and said, "ya...I would agwee."
THE END.

Elmer does it again

Elmer Epstein walked into the office of John Henry. He sat down which is what you do when you're in trouble.
"So...we don't have a shortstop."
"No Mistah Henwy."
"We don't have a left fielder."
"No Mistah Henwy."
"We LOST our shortstop."
"Yes Mistah Henwy but I have a weally gweat idea. Let's use Dustin Pedwoia on showt stop."
"Oh good. So I suppose Dice-K is going to be our new left fielder!"
"Oh, that's only when he's not pitching of course!"
A long pause.
"Excuse me Elmer. I have to get my gun out! A double barreled shotgun with a full round. "
"It's a weally nice gun.:"
(Seconds later)
Elmer walked out of the office covered in black powder.
"Wow, Mr. Henwy doesn't seem to like my ideas!"
"Ah...what's up doc!"
Elmer grabbed his gun.
"Why you waskly wabbit. It's youh fault that I'm in this much twouble."
"Ah doc...confidentially."
"Yes."
"You're an IDIOT"
Elmer then turns toward the camera and says, "he does these types of things to me throughout the picture."
Long chase scene develops. Elmer smashes into Kason Gabbard.
"Well, hewwo Jason Gabbawd. I hope you'we not upset for twading you."
(A few seconds later and an explosion)
"Gee Jason Gabbawrd is a weally good shot"
"IT's KASON!"
Elmer see Bugs Lugo and runs again before slamming into Gonsalez.
"Well, Hell0 Mistah..."
(A few seconds later and an explosion)
"Gee, Mistah Gonsalwez is a weally good shot too. Something twells me we should have signed him."
Elmer then runs further chasing after the rabbit before running into Orlando Cabrera.
"You're not going to..."
( a few seconds later and an explosion)
"Gee, I think somewon is twying to twell me something. Oh boy."
THE END

What if Insurance Companies ran our lives

You are a driver. You want to step into the car. This is a new 'smart' car designed to decide for you telling you what you can and can't do in the car. Insurance companies are out looking for you! You unlock the car and open the door. You sit down on the seat. You place the key in the ignition.

'I'm sorry. Car will not start since unlocking car is not covered under our policy. Please enter and exit again'

You try to remove the key.

"Please remove the key before exiting car. "

You remove the key from the ignition and then exit the car and open the door, without a key, and then repeat the process. The key is in the ignition.

'I'm sorry but do to theft concerns, you must first lock the car with your key and then unlock the car before inserting key. Your use of a key is outside our policy requirements.'

You then smash the steering wheel with your fist.

'I'm sorry but a steering wheel can only be used once the car is started. This is not covered under our policy'

You scream loud at the car cursing.

"You seem to be having trouble. Please contact the nearest agent at 1 800 222-2123."

You feel better. You call the number.

"I'm sorry but our number has changed. Please call us at 1 800 222-2123"

You realize its the same number and call again. Your heart is now racing and sweat is dripping down your face. A maddening look is oozing from your eyes.

"Welcome to our insurance company. Please listen carefully as your menu options have changed. If you are experiencing an episode of mental collapse, press #1"

You press 1.

"Welcome. You are in the right place. Please hang up and dial 1 800 222-2124"

You curse and scream and start dialing the phone. You want to use the restroom. You try to open the door.

"I'm sorry but your door cannot be unlocked without first removing the key. This is a new feature installed in your car. Aren't you happy?"

You smash your head against the windshield.

"If you are experiencing a crack in the windshield, please note this is not covered under our insurance policy but you can always pay for it yourself, and if you don't your car will not start until you do pay for it."

Tears welt down your face.

"We want to remind you of the necessary rate increase due to you smashing your head against the windshield. "

You scream but bite your tongue. You can still get mental health by the insurance company. You can relax.

"Welcome. You are having a nervous breakdown. If you need immediate help, please call 1 800 222-2125, otherwise press #1.

You foolishly press 1. The phone hangs up. How did that happen? You dial the new number 1 800 222-2125

"Hello and welcome. Please understand that mental health services of your type are conveniently not covered under our policy and you should expect yet another courtesy rate increase of your services. Please only use our services after we drop you from our policy."

You try to open the door.

"You haven't paid your new rate increase and that means we can't let you get out of the car. However you can pay by phone by calling 1 800 222-2126

You call desperate to get this done.

"Welcome. You have experienced a new rate increase. Once you receive your bill in the mail, you can promptly call us back to pay the bill. If you need mental health services, call 1 800 222-2125. mental health is provided as an additional service. Since you have not hung up, we assume you need them and have automatically increased your policy rate as an adjustment.

You sit catatonic watching drool drip down your face. Isn't it lovely to have insurance

Duck Season -- Part II

When last we left our...idiot, Elmer Epstein was trying to hunt down the dreaded Bugs Lugo.

"All right wabbit, say youw pwayers!"
Bugs Lugo lifts his carrot and said, "look there's Matt Holliday!"
Elmer Epstein turned around and slammed into Daffy Drew Duck.
"Ow!"
"Sowwy Mr. Dwew. I thought you wewe Matt Holliday"
"Do I LOOK like Matt Holliday?"
"Yes!"
Daffy leaned down and said, "and you wonder why nobody wants to play for the Red Sox anymore!"
"ha, ha...wait a minute. I fohgot. It's wabbit season!"
Daffy leaned down and said, "no, it's idiot season and excuse me. Slamming into me puts me on the DL ...again...ow my back!"
Elmer turned around and says to the audience, "wasn't Daffy Dwew wohth evewy penny! That was won of my bettah moves! Ha ha ha ha"
Epstein turned towards Bugs and said, "all wight wabbut. Say youw pwayers!"
"OK, God bless Ellen and God bless Gary and ..."
"Oh no you don't. I won't get fooled twice because fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice shame on me too...ah...how does that go?"
Bugs Lugo got up and said, "doc...it's duck season!"
"Oh no you don't Lugo, "said Daffy Duck. " It's wabbit season"
"Duck season"
"Rabbit season"
"Duck season"
"Rabbit season"
Bugs leans to the camera and says, "rabbit season"
"Duck season"
"Wabbit season!"
"Duck Season so shoot the duck...shoot the duck!"
A large explosion goes off.
"Now you know why I'm always on the disabled list. You're despicable!"
Daffy leans towards Elmer Epstein.
"OK...do it before he gets wise. It's duck season so shoot!
A large explosion goes off.
"O...K.....it's rabbit...duck...ah...."
Daffy Duck falls to the ground.
"Ah...so anyway doc, it's not rabbit season!"
"It's not?"
"Doc, it's hot stove season..."
"Oh...of course."
Bugs walks over to a burning hot stove.
"So step in here and start the hot stove season.'
"Gee mistah wabbit...that sounds awfully stupid of me to go in there."
"No more stupid than not signing Gonsalez!"
Elmer smiles, "ha, ha...that was a smaht move, ha ha...you see (whispering) if we dump Bay then we'll have Holliday instead."
"Ah doc, who's your left fielder and shortstop then."
Elmer laughs and says, "ah..."
'Doc...step into the oven. "
"Ok Mistah Wabbit but only because it's hot stove season."
A large scream is heard.
"HELP!"
"Hang in there doc. All of New England is cheering for you right now!"
THE END

Duck Season

Elmer Epstein ran to John Henry's desk with excitement.
"Ah...Mr. Henwy...I'm going to kill the wabbit!"
John looked up sulking and said, "Elmer, can't you wait until I've shot myself in the head. I find having half my head missing very relaxing when I talk to you. You should try it...really!"
Elmer laughed and said, "ha, ha, ha...gee Mr. Henwy, you never used to shoot yourself in the head before I got hired."
John leaned his eye upward and said, "and what does that tell you Elmer?"
"Ah...ha, ha, you don't support gun contwol!"
John sighed and said, "Elmer you really should consider blowing your head off. Might do you good. Now go hunting Elmer. Let me know when you get shot! I haven't had a party in a while!"
Elmer smiled and said, "if it makes you happy Mr. Henwy, I'll get shot twice!"
It was the first time that John had smiled in days.
(LATER)
"Be vewy quiet, I'm killing fwee agents...ha, ha, ha...it's wabbit season!"
Elmer snuck through the woods.
"I won't fail. I made won mistake with that scwey wabbit and I won't do it twice!"
Elmer looked and said, "oh hi Mr. Gwagme. How ya doing!"
"ahhh, a lot better since that sucker deal!"
Elmer walked on and then said, "hey...the Gwagme deal was bad too. But that's only two!"
Elmer trekked on.
"Oh hi Mr. Schilling!"
"One year of free pay! Thank you Mr. Elmer!"
Elmer walked on.
"Hey...that was a weally bad deal as well!"
Elmer walked on.
"Oh hi Mr. Jason!"
"It's KASON"
Elmer walked on and said, "hey why did we buy him bwack anyway!"
A walk forward for Elmer.
"Oh hi Mr. Gonsalez!"
"Go JAYS!"
Elmer walked on.
"Wow, that was a weally bad deal too. Hey...maybe I'm an idiot after all!"
Bugs Lugo walked at Elmer and said, "Ah...I didn't say it...but its TRUE
TO BE CONTINUED....

Kill the Wabbit

John Henry sat at his desk, brimming with hate as the meek and stupid Elmer Epstein sat squirming at his feet.
"You know Elmer, you're an idiot. We know it, I know it and even you must have some idea, some perverse idea that you are a dolt!"
"Gee thank you Mr. Henwy. That's a vewy nice compliment!"
Henry then smashed his head against the desk. It hurt. Ow!
"I'm going to give you one more chance to KILL Lugo. Can you do it?"
"Oh couwse Mr. Henwy. I won't let you down. I'm a twained killah! ha ha ha ha ha."
"Right, well here it is. An AK-47. It will only take one round. I have Bugs Lugo locked in the back room. Go back there and LET HIM HAVE IT!"
Elmer smiled and said, "It's done!"
"DO IT!"
Elmer locked himself in the room seeing Bugs Lugo sitting with a carrot.
"Ah...what's up doc!"
"Say your pwayahs Wabbit!"
"My Prayers...OK"
Bugs Lugo sat down and said, "God bless, Ellen and Greg and Gary and Bob and David and Jacobe and Johnny and Daemon and Scott and Bors and Fred and Barney and ..."
(two hours later)
"...and Betty and Jules Verne and Albert and Einstein..."
Elmer looks towards the camera.
"Gee...Mistah wabbit has a lot of pwayahs."
"AMEN. I'm ready doc."
Elmer aims the AK-47 at Bugs Lugo.
"Now I'm going to let ya have it wabbit!"
"OK doc, give me the gun. You heard Mr. Henry , let me have it."
Elmer Epstein looks towards the camera.
"I have a weally bad feeling this is going to turn out like the Gag-me twade."
(one minute later)
Elmer walks out with gun powder all over his face.
"Gee Mistah Henwy...that hurt!"
Bugs walks out and says, "ain't I a stinker!"

Elmer Epstein Strikes Again

John Henry stormed into his private dining room.
"EPSTEIN!"
"Yes, Mr. Henwy...is there something I can get for you!"
"I've had it, "snapped John who begin rolling his body around the table. "I want Bugs Lugo on my dinner plate tonight. Of all the stupid things. Hiring a rabbit to play shortstop and a Daffy Drew Duck to play right field. We're the laughing stock of the league!"
Elmer Epstein burned.
"OOOO That waskly wabbit. I'm make him into wabbit stew!"
Elmer stormed off hearing "you have twenty minutes" from John.
"Be wevy quiet. I'm killing Fwee Agents...ha, ha, ha!"
"Ah...what's up doc?"
That strange familiar sound grate Elmer Epstein's throat.
"Wabbit stew that's what's up!"
"Wabbit stew...mmmmmmmmm...I love wabbit stew...but it's nothing with a contract from Scott Boras!"
Elmer burned.
"What's Scott Big-ass got to do with Wabbit stew!"
"MMMM" kissed Bugs Lugo before storming off.
"Hey...that was the wabbit!"
"Pathetic, isn't he? " smiled Bugs.
Elmer threw a large coconut cream pie which Bugs Lugo easily missed. A large plop sound was heard as John Henry walked into the room with fire in his throat and said with a pleasing calm,
"Oh Elmer...why did you throw a coconut cream pie at me?"
"AH..."
"You have five minutes!"
Elmer grabbed his gun and started firing at missing badly. Elmer looked around and noticed Bugs Lugo who was dressed as Eric Gagme.
"Oh Mr. Gagme...how pwivilaged it would be to have you on the Wed Sox"
"Ah...it'll cost ya!"
"How much, 'drolled Epstein.
"Ten million for another four year even if I don't play a single game...!"
Elmer grabbed the contract and signed it. He turned towards the camera.
"A few more deals like this and the Wed Sox will be a totally diffwent team! Ha!"
Bugs Lugo looked at the camera and said, "Don't you hate it when they fall in love with last place!"
"Ah...what's up doc!"
Bugs ran off as Elmer Epstein sat there and said, "hey...that was the wabbit...and he tricked me again. With my intelligwece too!"
Elmer ran off before slamming into John Henry who looked like a man who was ready to kill.
"Elmer, did we just sign an extension to Bugs Lugo for another four years?"
"Yes Mistah Henwy!"
"Elmer, why did we sign an extension to Bugs Lugo for another four years?"
"Ah...kindness."
John grabbed Elmer and pulled him up to his face.
"Kindness???"
"But I thought I was signing Erig Gag-me. I didn't know!"
John put him down on the ground.
I'm going out for a ham sandwich. I don't have the money now for rabbit stew!"
Elmer looked towards the camera and said, "Hey...I won. He didn't fire me!"
"You're fired!"
"Dwat that scwewy wabbit!"
"Ah...it's a living!"

Wile-E-Epstein

John Henry walked into Wile's office. He was the brother of Elmer Epstein.
"Wile...I need you to get rid of that idiot Bugs Lugo. Why do I keep giving you raises anyway!"
John looked mystified and walked out.
"I'm going to kill him...hee, hee, hee, hee...and I've got the perfect device from ACME corporation!"
"Ah Wile, "snapped John. "you're not going to order from ACME again are you?"
Wile felt his face sag and said, "only an idiot would make the same stupid shortstop moves over and over again!"
John smiled and said, "whew...glad we got that straightened out!"
(later that day)
"Wile E. Epstein...super genius. No wonder the fans love me so much! Oh I have saved the Red Sox."
"Ah...what's up doc?"
"Hee, hee, hee...I'm dumping money down Bugs Lugo's hole. Hee, hee, hee. It never fails to give me what I want. I'm such a genius!"
Bugs Lugo looked towards the camera and said, "you know...I almost feel sorry for him."
Bugs Lugo then leaned down and said, "so what does this Bugs Lugo look like anyway?"
Wile sat up and said, "oh he's gray an white with big pointy ears and a fluffy tail!"
"Like this doc?"
"Yes, hee, hee, hee...exactly like that!"
"And a tail like this doc?"
"Yes, "giggled Wile-E...and now the finishing touch. Dynamite!"
"OK Doc...see you around!"
A pause came over his face.
"Wait a minute...that was the rabbit and all my money is down that hole! I have to get it back!"
Wile-E-Epstein dives down the hole and watches his money and his body explode.
"When an explosion happens I have a moment of clar...clar...clarity...ah..."
(LATER)
Wile E Epstein is tip-toeing to the hole.
"This can't fail. I'm going to drop a bomb down a hole...hee...hee...heee"
"Ah...what's up doc?"
Wile E said, "Daffy Drew and Bugs Lugo are down this hole. I know that because Foghorn Boris told me so! Hee, hee, hee, hee!"
Bugs turns towards the camera.
"Don't you wish life was this easy?"
Wile E drops the bomb down the hole.
"Now watch it go boom!"
A pause.
"It didn't go boom!"
"That's because you forgot to light it Epstein. Just dive down into the hole and light it!
"Oh of course. I haven't been this smart since I got Eric Gagne. Oh wasn't that brilliant!"
"That was almost as good as letting go of that bumb Alex Gonsalez!"
"Yes, "said Wile. "That was a brilliant move on my part! I just keep making them!
Wile E dives down into the hole.
Bugs chuckles and said, "nobody can be that dumb!"
"Ah...could you hand me that match!"
"Of course doc!"
Lugo Bugs turns towards the camera and says, "OK, so I was wrong!"
After the explosion goes off Bugs Lugo walks away from the camera.
"Ain't I a stinker?"

Elmer Fudd meets Theo Epstein

"Be vewy quiet...I'm hunting fwee agents.!"
A pause.
"Ah...what's up doc?"
'I'm hunting fwee agents...ha ha ha...who are you?"

Poor Elmer Epstein. That screwy rabbit was at it again.

"Ah Elmer Epstein, Bugs Lugo. Ah...I'll take your contract for say...85$ million..."
"Wow...that's a lot of money."
"Is not!"
"It is"
"not"
"is"
"not"
"is"
(wink from Bugs as he turns toward the camera and says, "I do this type of stuff throughout the picture.")
"is"
'not"
"is"
"not"
"I say it isn't and I'm buying you Lugo...ha ha ha ha. You think I'm so stupid but I'm NOT!"
Bugs Lugo looks toward Camera chewing a carrot.
"Ya doc. nobody can call you stupid."
A pause from Elmer Epstein as he smiles for the camera. He pulls his gun over his shoulder with a proud look on his face.
"Say...did I just give up Alex Gonsalez instead for the scewy wabbit Lugo?"
A look from Bugs Lugo.
"Ah...doc...I'm not going to say your a moron...BUT YOU ARE!"
(large chase scene develops. Elmer falls off cliff and crashes on ground screaming all the way.
"This is going to hurt the fans a lot more than its going to hurt me."
Elmer Epstein falls to the ground.
"That scewy wabbit is always getting the bwest of me!"
"Hey what about me partner. Daffy Drew is my name!"
"No way will I get bought out by some stupid duck!"
Daffy smiles toward the camera and said, "Do you think I should tell him folks?"
"Yes you will!"
"No I won't!"
"yes you will!"
"No I won't'"
(A few minutes later)
"Now how am I going to tell Mr. John Henwy that I just got a screwy wabbit and a stupid duck for $243 million plus incentives while letting go of all the talent. Oh I hate being so stupid."
Bugs moves up behind Elmer and says, "Ah...doc...it's a living!"
THE END

Red Sox Weekly Podcast

The Red Sox Weekly Podcast

“Hello and welcome to the Red Sox Weekly Podcast premiere episode. Our premise is quote 'our premise is to provide an account of the Red Sox weekly reports, using accurate data and staggeringly dry and pointless assessments of the data in order to facilitate the Red Sox weekly broadcast in getting you to fall asleep in a quick and efficient manner' end quote.”
Yesterday the Red Sox faced the Detroit Tigers. The Red Sox had zero runs or null runs if you prefer, while the Detroit Tigers had two runs. At the end of the game, the score remained unchanged. The Red Sox had four hits in the game. The Detroit Tigers had five hits in the game. The Red Sox had four hits but failed to score a run. The Detroit Tigers had five hits and achieved two runs. Clay Bucholtz was credited with the loss as he was given total responsibility for the two runs. Clay was apparently very sad after the game although no cognitive data was available to justify that assumption.
At the end of the game, The Red Sox were asked by Red Sox Weekly if the accumulation of negative entropy were a major cause of the dystopian vision of the Red Sox team as a whole and if the statistical probability of achieving the desired results were a feasible possibility during this time of isotropic stagnation.
Terry Francona responded by saying quote 'I don't understand...' end quote.
Given the nature of the question, it was decided quote' to continue asking the team the same question since it took a great deal of time to conjour up the question in the first place endquote.
David Ortiz responded by saying quote “hu” end quote.
Josh Beckett responded by saying quote 'is this a joke' end quote.
This obvious rebellious attitude has indeed contributed to the negative attacks against the straightforward approach of Red Sox Weekly. However we have and I quote from our producers 'no data to justify the hypothesis...end quote.
Today the Boston Red Sox face the Texas Rangers. Manager Terry Francona was asked if he felt the travel time and obvious fatigue of the players were contributing to the general isotropic stagnation and entropy exhibited on the team. Terry responded by saying quote 'you again' end quote.
That is all for Red Sox weekly.

Tito's Day

“OK everyone...I know it's been tough but we're having this meeting to cheer everyone up. We have singing, jokes, motivational talks all sponsored by Theo Epstein...but first a joke or two.”

Tito, having broken the silence unraveled a crumbled paper of material. He delivered it with his usual low key manner.

“Ah...why does six hate...ah...seven...that's because seven ate nine. Get it?”

A small cough was heard from David Ortiz and Tim Wakefield nodded.

“Ah...OK...I have a problem with seven times eight. That's because it's 56...get it...5, 6, 7, 8...Ah...get it?”

Tito paused to watch the ripple of sighs run through the room.

“OK...last one...”

That evoked a cheer through the audience.

Tito sighed.

“OK...three Yankee players are in a clubhouse...putting together a puzzle you know a kids puzzle...oh that's the joke...but you don't know that yet because I haven't told you...ah...OK.”

A pause.

A long pause with sighs

“Well...ya...let here's our motivational speaker. The Reverend Hard Thug.”

Tito stepped aside. A man in a tall dark suit with a Bible in his hands and fire in his breath stepped forward starring over the audience.

“I look amongst you and see wickedness and sin. I see you all are going to burn ye all in hell for your sins and you are BURIED IN THEM!”

The man held his fist up in the air.

“David Ortiz...you wicked vial sinner....your failings as a man will send you to hell and I will laugh when you beg for mercy!”

The man opened the Bible.

“Do you read the word of God ye sinners who work on Sunday...you will in hell!”

Tito grabbed the man.

“OK...well...that was uplifting and I fear mass suicide if you uplift us any more.”

“Stand aside you wicked sinners and watch ye burn!”

Tito moved him off the stage.

“OK...this is going so...well but we can't do anything wrong with this man.”

Paul Simon stepped on the stage to a rousing welcome. He strummed his guitar.

“Here is an uplifting song...an old one!”

There were two men down,

And the season lost,

when the pitcher died,

The guitar strut and Paul seemed really into his song.

And they laid his spikes

On the pitcher's mound

And the night turned cold

The Stars were white as bones

The stadium was old

Older than the screams...

Older than the dreams...

“OK, “shouted Tito. “That was just great! Let's hear it for Paul Simon.”

Paul was abruptly pushed off the stage wondering what he did wrong.

“Wow...”
Tito smiled a forced smile.

“OK...well this guy is going to get us going. A psychologist from the Massachusetts Institute of Health.”

The glum figure with sagging shoulders and a large bottle of Vodka in his hand walked on the stage. The beard was crumbled and old as was his coat.

“OK...just hang in their folks.”

The man slugged his Vodka down and smiled.

“I have a drinking problem...I'm an alcoholic and I'm not afraid to admit it. Would you guys like some crack?”

Tito grabbed the man and pulled him off the stage.

“Well...ah...OK...well...guess that's it for our inspirational...talks...OK.”

Tito nodded and left the stage. A team of sagging shoulders followed.

The News Of The Week

The Devil Rays and Paul Bird Make the News

Heading out to the old ballpark may have new meaning as Tampa Bay has decided to incorporate their new logo 'LYEAHN” Remember those annoying cowbells that thwart hitters and drive opposing teams mad. Well, look out because you ain't seen nothing yet.

“I guess they're handing out to the kids battery operated tornado sirens that have about two hours of battery time. I guess I'll be giving them my resignation!”

That was Joe Madden, manager of the Rays looking a bit disgruntled at the prospect of going deaf.

“I need my hearing and when these idiots they tell me that every time our team gets a hit, they'll open up with 1000 fucking air horns blasting and smashing the stadium. All I can say is, WTF?”

Fans themselves seem excited about the idea. As a father of six kids, Samuel Lyborn says that the horns really keep his kids occupied.

“What?”

That was about all we could get out of Sam before he was taken to the nearest emergency room after his kids thought it might be fun to blast all the air horns into his ears at once.

Still, fan turnout has been great. Fans have brought in any type of siren and noise device that can be implemented.

“If it's noisy, we want it, “says Tampa Bay management.

The stadium has however banned the devices after a small incident. Apparently the entire stadium of residents have filed a class action lawsuit after suffering permanent hearing damage. Called the “Helen Keller” lawsuit, the lawsuit has had its positive moments. For one thing, ASL or American Sign language is now very popular among Tampa Bay fans as their only source of communications and players for the Rays say that nobody can read their signs anymore now that everyone had to learn sign language since the team is officially pronounced deaf.

The conversation between Paul Byrd and Theo Epstein.

“Hi Paul!”

“Who the fuck is this?
“Ah...Theo Epstein...”

“You piece of shit. I was just guzzling my fucking beer because I'm out of a fucking job sitting here with my fat glob of a belly because I'm on anti-depressants and just got out of my ECT treatments! Now what in hell do you want. Here I am WATCHING Saturday looser wrestling while crapping on the toilet and I have to hear from my worst nightmare.

A pause.

“Well...OK...I guess you don't need a job.”

A pause.

“Oh hey Theo. Really glad to hear from you. I mean...it's been very lonely not hearing from you. Thank goodness I'm in shape...you know weight lifting and all and track and...of course no beer!”

A pause.

“That's OK Paul. Pretty much everyone who works for me feels the same way. Heck you should hear the calls I get from Justin Masterson. Wow...that guy has a mouth!”

A pause.

“Well...to be honest, I'm really out of shape...”

“No worries. I mean this is a guy who hired Julio Lugo, J.D. Drew and Eric Gagne and I sold the farm for him!”

A pause.

“Ya...I see your point there.”

“So don't worry. How does $20 million sound?”

“Wow...that's an insane amount for a mediocre player. You really are Theo Epstein!”

“The one and only!”

A pause.

“Listen I'll let you fly back, work out in the minors and be ready for September. I'm thinking of trading Daniel Bard and Jonathan Papelbon for Julio Lugo. We really need him back.”

A pause.

“So tell me Theo...how'd you get this job anyway?”

“Hell if I know!”

A pause.

“Well...I'll see you Monday.”

“Take your time. I'm building next years pitching staff. It will be Smotz, Penny, Buckhotz (our ace), Roy Halliday (after we give them Becket and Lester, Papelbon and Buckhotz) and Jason Gabbard.”

“it's Kason!”

“Hey...how can you trade away Buckhotz and still call him your ace!”

“Wow...good point. So that's what happened to Masterson and I thought he left the country. Man...have to get Bart Colon back. Maybe we can trade Oki for him. I like giving away real talent to get even better talent!”

“Theo...OK...I'll do the minors thing but let's face it...you need the ECT treatment.

“That reminds me...I need to extend J.D.'s contract. His back problems and groin problems have really helped the team down the stretch!”

“Good bye Theo.”

“And let's not forget about Jed Lowrie. We can get rid of him and get Julio Lugo back. I like dumping players then getting them back! That shows good sense.”

“Good bye Theo!”

“OK...but when I get done with you, I've got to work on getting Pedro Martinez. He'll help our staff out!”

Couldn't help myself

Dice-K Gets Controversial

Well, I know I stopped doing this blog but this situation with Dice-K, I couldn't say no!

Newsflash:

Dice-K told Japanese reporters that the training methods of the United States were going to cripple his ability to continue to pitch in the American league. Further, he also stated that he only survived this far because he was running on the energy of Japan training techniques.

Response:

In a small statement, Dice-K managed to destroy relations with the Boston Red Sox.

Newsflash:

Dice-K, to American reporters managed to state that it was a female reporter that messed up what was obviously an excellent working relationship with America and that his words were misconstrued.

Response:

Dice-K managed to offend a female reporter and the Japanese press.

Newsflash:

Dice-K said that the Red Sox were giving him psychotropic medication and electro shock treatment to continue his 'debilitating training and made him, under torture, to confess that a female reporter was the problem.

Response:

The entire Japanese press were screaming as yet another example of American tyranny and the Boston Red Sox were pretty boiling mad.

Newsflash:

Dice-K said to American audiences that Japanese reporters were threatening to blow up all of New York city with a new form or neutrino ray gun unless he told them these violent lies. Dice-K said he valued the home as an excellent getaway place when he signs with the Yankees next year.

Response:

After angering the Japanese audiences and the Boston Red Sox, everyone was waiting what Dice- would have to say next to get out of this one.

Newsflash:

Dice-K said the entire incident was a function of the drugs the Yankees were force feeding him while disguised as Japanese reporters. Dice-K said the drugs were changing him into a woman so that he would sign with the Yankees. Dice-K also said that there is no neutrino death ray and that was a function of a bad science fiction book he had just read.

Moral of the Story:

Dice-K – Shut up!

Saying Good night

A blog is as much of a feedback operation as an endeavor to write quality material. My life is a busy one and with little input I just can't justify the time that is needed to keep it fresh and exciting (if I even did that).
Therefore I'm taking a break for a while. Perhaps I'll try something else like a podcast, but in the meantime, the Red Sox blog is closed, shut down and silent.
The archives are still there so I hope you enjoy reading them. In the meantime, may the Sox have a great season and may your life be filled with happiness.
Dave...

Remembering Jim Rice

It's so hard to keep up this blog for an audience of probably one -- thanks Julia! -- but I keep trying, but I have to admit that at some point I'll be closing the blog...perhaps at the end of the August. It's just too hard to keep up anymore.

Today, I just wanted to congratulate Jim Rice. There was a memory that brought me back to 1975, another era where Jim Rice was at his finest. The 1975 team so far has produced Hall of Famers in Carl Yastremski, Carlton Fisk and Jim Rice. That was a team. Certainly Dwight Evans and Louis Tiant deserve consideration but I doubt we'll see them there.
Jim Rice was from my childhood and to see him make the hall was a great moment. It also reflected how much time has passed and that my childhood is a distant memory. I feel old today and while Jim accepts his accolates and now is a part of that great body of legends, I feel a forgotten memory. Isnt't that pathetic!
The reality is that most of us will live our lives in obscurity and bear little witness to recognition of our accomplishments. Perhaps we are the real heroes. We don't do it for fame or glory or awards. We do it because we love life and because our rewards are hidden in our hearts in the pride we take in raising families, holding down a steady and respectable job and just doing our best to take in the life we lead.
I'm happy for Jim Rice. I'm really happy for Jim Rice. He's had tremendous struggles and deserves that acknowledgement but I think of all the players like Evans and Burleson and Doyle who worked just as hard but failed to get into that place of fame. Who will speak their voices and honor their contributions to this game? I suppose for them, they can take comfort in knowing that so many of us still remember their voices.
I recently saw a documentary of Bill Lee playing ball in Cuba. Still using the arm that was torn apart by a fight with New York. Lee remembered that moment, as do I, and basically said you move on. That's what you do in life. You don't get upset about it.' Well put Bill Lee. You may be forgotten by the Hall but you certainly are not for me.
Take care everyone.

Pace Yourself.

Pressures

Jonathan Papelbon sat in the clubhouse. A meeting was called to order. Everyone was in attendance. Theo Epstein came to greet the crowd.

“Hey everyone, just wanted to say how much we're going to miss Mark Kotsay. I hope that's not going to affect everyone's performance. After all, we're about making the team a better team.”

Everyone felt sweat drip down their brows. Everyone felt their hands shake.

“This certainly doesn't mean that you're next of course...”

Theo's eyes beamed across the room starring at Jason Varitek and Mike Lowell along with Jason Bay and David Ortiz.

“We give everyone a chance to excel in a reasonable amount of time...even if that is...ah...two days or so!”

Theo's eyes beamed across the room.

“I gotta...I gotta crap, “said Brad Penny running to the bathroom.

“I...I gotta crap, “said John Smotz.

He also burst from the room and ran to the bathroom.

“Of course we want to acknowledge the players that have meant so much to us over the years.”

A pause.

“Now that we've done that let's look at areas of improvement.”

The phone rang. Jonathan Papelbon picked it up.

“Hello.”

“Ya...ah...can we talk later...ya...go pinstripes!”

A pause.

“As I was saying, our goal here is to create a winning atmosphere where you win the World Series every single year...or else!”

Dustin Pedroia nodded.

“Ah...I gotta crap, “said Jason Varitek who hobbled to the bathroom grabbing his stomach as if it were going to fall out of his belly.

“Because winning means not winning the Playoffs...but LOSING the World Series!”

“Ah...Big Papi going to throw up...now!”

Others soon followed as a wave of nausea came across the room.

“Each of you are replaceable and are welcome to go home.”

Coughing and gagging fell through the room. A bottle of scotch was passed around the room.

“Those with BACK PROBLEMS!!!!”

J.D. Drew fell on the floor in pain.

“Those with HIP PROBLEMS!!!”

Mike Lowell hobbled to the bathroom.

“Those with INCONSISTENT ARMS!!!”

Manny Delcarman hit the wall falling into tears,

“Those who THINK they are free AGENTS but SUCK!”

Jason Bay fell on the floor in grueling pain.

“Those who are, in general, who fail to get the MVP award this YEAR...because they SUCK!”

Dustin nodded listening like a good schoolboy and waving to Theo.

“Those who can't manage to get a player OUT at second base...because your arm SUCKS!”

Jason Varitek, who came out of the bathroom fell back into the bathroom.

“Those who think they are Johan Santana but SUCK!!!!”

John Lester fell to the ground and began to mumble to himself.

“WILL NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!!!!”

A pause as everyone else started crying.

“OK...anyway, Go Sox and have a good day!”

Theo walked out as Tito nodded in shock and wondered what was next.

Mr. Obvious Offers Answers

It was a subdued and quiet exchange of ideas that filtered through the musty room of the Texas clubhouse. The Sox, who had lost the last four games were at a panic situation as three droll figures sat around Theo Epstein's desk. A sigh opened the meeting as Tito Francona, Mr. Obvious, spoke.
“It appears that our strategy of allowing an average of four runs per game while our hitting continues to excel at one to two runs per game has a flaw in its reasoning. I suggest we change or perhaps reverse this strategy.”
“We must get Julio Lugo back, “snapped Theo. “We should trade Jacobe Ellsbury and Clay Buckholz for him. He will fix problem!”
The grinning smile only sent chills down Joe Madden's face.
“Ah...ya...but we're struggling.”
“You're right, “said Theo. “We should get Manny Ramirez back. I suggest we give away the starting lineup of the team and our entire Pawtucket Red Sox club. That will fix things. Manny can hit!”
“That is obvious but the problem is that...”
“No, that is a bad idea, “retorted Theo upon further reflection. “We should get Joba Chamberlane from the Yankees. We will give the Yankees our entire pitching staff.”
“My head, “remarked Joe Madden.
“My stomach, “snapped Tito.
“My brilliance, “smiled Theo epstein.
A pause.
“I suggest we start winning games instead of losing them, “said Theo Epstein. “That is something we can do without giving away half the team and get Julio Lugo back!”
“What is your obsession with Julio Lugo, “snapped Tito!
“Julio Lugo was a sparkplug and we spent many a quality evenings together...”
“That's more than I want to know, “said a desperate Tito. “That is obvious!”
A pause.
“Let's get Frank Catalanotta. He needs a job and together with Julio Lugo with a combined OBP of 109 he's sure to light fires in the clubhouse!”
Tito said, “He will light fires all right but I sense burning them at the stake will not help out the team's morale nor their murder records!”
A pause.
“How about Tony Pena Jr., Julio Lugo and Frank Catalanotta for Pedroia and Youk! I really like that and we can get Jason Gabbard in there!”
“It's Kason!”
A long pause. Theo looked around and said, “how does he do that?”
Tito said, “that is obvious that Jason...!”
“It's Kason...how can you be so dumb!”
A pause.
“I think this meeting is over. We have to figure out why Jason's keeps claiming his name is Kason. If we cannot figure that out, we cannot figure out our team's problems!”
“It's Kason and you're right!”
A pause.
“That is obvious!”

Julio Lugo's Dream of Domination

Tonight on 60 Minutes, you may have known him as the shortstop for the Boston Red Sox, but as Leslie Stalled reports, this neural specialist at John Hopkins says he put baseball away a long time ago and instead is focused on the world.”

(speaking in Chinese)

“I gave up baseball and decided to become someone that can change a world. I became a doctor, learned fifteen or languages, and became an ambassador to the world but that's when I'm not building bionic arms for the soldiers. I'm busy you know but it's worth it.”

Tonight meet Dr. Julio Lugo of John Hopkins...on 60 Minutes.

Clock ticks on the screen

His name is Julio Lugo. Dismissed by the Red Sox in July of 2009, Dr. Lugo who received his diploma while playing baseball, decided that it was time to stop playing the game of baseball altogether, faking his ineptitude and incompetence, and when released, began immediately running the neurology department at John Hopkins.

(speaking in Russian)

“I have a passion for medicine and that's why I didn't play well with the Red Sox. It was so hard getting my degree from John Hopkins, mastering fifteen languages and learning bionics to help out soldiers. Sometimes I wouldn't sleep at night. I pretended to be the idiot because I didn't want to show pretense to my fellow man. I am Lugo.”

John Hopkins welcomed Lugo who helped reinvent medicine. Witness Dr. John Rutherford of Hopkins.

“Lugo looked like an idiot on the field but when he performed the first frontal lobe transplant, we all took him seriously and we all respected his brilliance and frankly, when he did the operation while learning Celtic on his ipod...it just blew my mind.”

(speaking in Arabic)

“I simply want to help others out when I can. I was called Lugnuts and I kept that name because I'm the one that holds the wheels together! I am Lugo.”

Lugo really has taking his Boston salary and donating it to African children whom he performs brain transplants on once a year to help out the comatose. He's the only doctor in the world with the skill and intelligence to do it.
(speaking in French)

I perform the transplants not to show my technical experience or brilliance which I suppose I have in abundance, but to show the world that brain transplants are possible and can help out so many. Next year when I master spinal repairs is when I will accept my Nobel prize but the money goes to the Jimmy Fund. “

Ludo doesn't have long to wait. He already received a Nobel prize in medicine retroactively for his pioneering work in brain transplants and bionics. No longer are soldiers required to go home with no arms.

(Speaking in the alternating tongues of Italian and Portuguese)

I won't brag about my abilities or my techniques. I find the rewards enough and ask others to shy away from arrogance and pride. I am Lugo with a Dr. in front of my name.

Lugo says that life is good for him. Already he has fifteen homes but sold fourteen of them and gave the land to national parks. He speaks often to sell out crowds and praises the world for what it can accomplish.

(speaking in German)

With my language abilities I can aid others in understanding how we are one world and one people. I see a vision where the world can look to me to rule them with justice and fairness and if they so chose to worship me I will not stop them. I see world takeover and domination my next ambitious step but it will be some time before it bears fruition. In the meantime I am content to be who I am...for now!”

(speaking in Hebrew)

You know, you can know a hundred languages but in the end you are still a human...

(speaking in Klingon)

While war demands our resources....

(speaking in Vulcan)

It is peace and logic that demands our future.

It's hard not to feel intimidated around Dr. Lugo. His brilliance is unprecedented. Already he has solved the great grand unification theory and proved string theory...something that the greatest minds in physics failed to do.

(speaking in Danish)

I find myself befuddled sometimes at how simple the answers are and how unchallenged the work is but in the end...

A sigh.

(speaking Bosanski)

In the end the work must be done and I must do it.

Lugo is not without pride. He has one wife who recently died after being run over by a hail bailer on his 5 billion acre farm in Montana and the memory still haunts him.

(speaking Kongo)

The pain in my heart still breaths guilt into my soul. I cannot go a day without seeing my wife chewed up from the hail bailer. While being married to Jennifer Lopez and Joan Rivers and Rosanne can offer comfort and joy, I still live with her memory inside my heart.

Lugo, who is working on the new health care plan says that America needs to look forward and not look back at its faults. Instead America must look to him for answers especially after installing his nuclear powered laser satellite capable of killing ten million in one shot.

(speaking Polish)

I speak as a simple man with a simple idea. Look to me for your answers and I will give them to you but do not see me as a God. I am a man like yourself. Only if I take over this world can you call me a God and I will not do that...yet.

(speaking Chinese)

I do not pretend to know that the gifts I have been given give me great pride...

(speaking Japanese)

But I do not bolster my own gifts

(using American Sign Language and speaking Hindu)

But I am here for you and you and you. I am here for all of you. I am Dr. Lugo, a simple man on a mission to manage the world under my vision.

(speaking Lojban while playing the violin and doing a tap dancing routine)

I have many talents and intend to use them for the benefit of mankind

(speaking Pakistani while playing the piano and writing an equation on paper between notes)

For if you cannot help man and run a world dictatorship that still promises StarBucks...what is the point of your life?

For now we leave Lugo to his destiny praying that it is not ours. I'm Leslie stall

Clock ticks in background

Lugo Meets Sally

Julio Lugo Show meets SALLY!

“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “

“Lugo is an idiot, Lugo is a Moron, Lugo is a failure and now he's out of the Red Sox YA!...and he's your number one showwwww!”

“OK ya that was great guys...real nice welcome to my show! “

A sob.

“OK...I'm out of the Red Sox but hey I'm human too and that theme song is awful...now use the one I chose.”

A pause.

“Here comes Lugo with all his glory, Lugo is smart, Lugo is the best short stop in the league and he's also your number one show!”

A pause.

“That's better. Now please guys...I'm having enough of trouble coping with my 'departure' from the Red Sox! “

Lugo sighs and looks at the microphone.

“Anyway, we have here Sally, our new research intern. She was recommended by our tech wizard Johnny here so here we are with Sally. Hello Sally.”

“Mmmm....Hi Julio...baby...I'm so hot!”

“Ah...I'm like married and you're like 45?”

“Mmmm....I don't care...right Johnny!”

“Ya...right...ah...you sure are burned...I mean...it's kinda freaky!”

“I hate being white!”

“Ya well apparently you hate being mentally sane. ”

“Lugo...oh excuse me, I'm texting my boyfriend!”

“I thought Johnny...”

“Johnny, oh he's nice like the football player and that cheerleader and the clerk and...”

“Sally were you ever on Jerry Springer ?”

“No...mmmm....he's in the hole...oh poor baby!”

“The hole. Who's in the hole?”

“Johnny of course!”

A pause

“Right...Johnny!”

A pause

“Ya...he says he got into a fight and they threw him into the hole?”

“Who threw him in the hole?”
“The guards?”

“The guards?”

“Ya...the guards.”

“Oh he wants to marry me when he gets out!”

A long pregnant pause.

“Gets out from where?”

“The state prison!”

“Is this guy in prison?”

'Ten to twenty but he loves me. We text all the time...that is when I'm not in the tanning salon or f(bleeping) the subway men!”

A really long pause.

“Sally, you ever had electro shock treatment?”

“Oh...no...”
A pause.

“But my other boyfriend did just die in the electric chair for double homocide. We texted all the time...right until his last walk! That was so...exciting...mmmmm”

Lugo chokes on some milk spraying it over the microphone.

“OK well, we'll take a break!”

Commercial

Friends...are you tired of paying high dental bills...welcome to the home dental kit. With this an the informative instructional video, you too can enjoy not paying the high costs of dental care. After just one hour, you can enjoy relatively pain free tooth extractions and fillings and even crowns.

(Talking without teeth)

“Dentwal cawe fow meah”

Just call 1 800 pain-free and mention the Lugo show and you get 10% off. Call now

“OK...that was...wierd...but speaking of weird!”
A long pause.

“Sorry Lugo but Ben was right there!”

“OK...whatever...that's it for the Lugo show...Bye!”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Good night...”

“Aw that closing theme sucks”