Thursday, December 20, 2012

Steven Drew Meets with the Press

In an unparalleled move, Steven Drew was admitted to the Red Sox organization.  The older brother of J.D. Drew (often called Nancy Drew) took time out of his busy medical schedule to take with Joe Derive. 
One minute later Steven was admitted to the back clinic for a minor checkup.

STEVEN DREW:
AHH...THE PAIN.  I'm be ready for opening day.   Oh this back pain could put me on the DL for months...but I do get my paycheck right?

Ben Cherington of the Red Sox said he was not the least bit concerned.

BEN:
I'm not the least bit concerned.  I mean take away all of last season, all my bad choices and you have an amazing record. Ah...I want to say I'm working on it.

Meanwhile, after the back clinic, we set about our interview.  Then Drew also complained of headaches.

STEVEN DREW:
My head, oh my head.  Send me to the DL... I'll still get paid right?

Ben Cherington had this to say...but then started to talk into his Shoe Phone.  Verizon suggested that Ben continue to take his medication.
Meanwhile, Drew suffered yet another setback -- a bad knee.

STEVEN DREW
It throbs when I walk and the pain...oh the pain is horrible.  I fear I may miss one season on the DL -- but I'll still get paid right?

Ben Cherington had this to say:

BEN CHERINGTON:
I refuse to believe that he won't be ready for opening day.
After all, I don't make mistakes -- would you believe that -- NO MISTAKES.
Would you believe one mistakes?
How bout a train wreck of reasoning?
Oh...you believe that. 

Meanwhile the woes continued as Drew suffered dizzy spells.
STEVEN DREW:
I'm dizzy and I have a bad knee and a bad back and I want a check.
Dammit, I want another check!
Dammit just keep em' comin'

 BEN CHERINGTON
Boy, mess up on ONE purchase and the world is all over you!


 Meanwhile Drew's problems continued until I saw him next in a wheelchair.

 STEVEN DREW:
I'll be ready for opening day...2015...oh of course...with my back, knee, shoulder, arm, fingers, tendons, cartilage, dizzy spells, broken bones, gray hair, lost teeth, did I mention dizzy spells...but where's my CHECK. 

I'm Joe Derive





Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Christmas is Smart


Ben Cherington sat down with the press today and we have your coverage on the Joe Derive show.  Welcome!






JOE:
Welcome Mr. Cherington.  First, what do you think of Dempster.  Many are calling him Dumpster since you spent so much money on him. Dempster’s ERA was more than twice as high in the AL in 2012 at 5.09 and the man is 36 years old. 

CHERINGTON:
That is one great question.  You know the Chief of the Red Sox asked me the same question but he had a few extra words thrown in...the four letter variety.  Anyway, sorry I have a phone call from my shoe.
JOE:
Did you say you're talking to your shoe?

CHERINGTON:
AH...yes well cellphones are...ah...anyway, yes well we feel that the days of buying junk players with outrageous salaries for long term contracts are OVER.  Instead our strategy is junk buying players with outrageous salaries for short term contracts.  NO MORE Long term contracts.  How about that!

JOE:
Could you repeat that?

CHERINGTON:
I don't think so.


DEMPSTER:

Hey wait you said I was good Ben!  YOU SAID I'd kill them out there.

CHERINGTON:
And I stand by that Dumpster...ah...Dempster.  You will get killed out there.

JOE:
OK moving on. 

DEMPSTER:
You hear him!  Hey Gomes...take a slug at him.  You're good at that!

JOE:
OK, speaking of which, let's talk about Gomes. Gomes is getting $10 million over two seasons.  I mean the Rangers paid him $1 million last season with Oakland. The man also punches people in the back for fun.  I mean...

CHERINGTON:
Wait...one Million.  They paid him on million?  Chief we overpaid!  Good thing it was for a short term contract.  Boy if I didn't know better I'd say I made a stupid move.  Fortunately I happen to be an expert on stupid and I would know if I made a stupid move and I did not make a stupid move because that would be stupid. 

Gomes:
Ready when you are Dempster!  Just give me something to hit.  Backs, arms, legs.  Ya that's me.

JOE:
OK...moving on what about Napoli?  This guy is a drought hitter with a career average of .260 and he has health problems.  I mean really?

CHERINGTON:
Ah...easy Chief John Henry.  It really was a smart move.  I mean if we look at my past choices...

JOHN LACKEY:
DOUBLE FIST!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHERINGTON:
OK but if we look at my present choices...



CHERINGTON:
But if we combine my past choices with my present choices we have...

JOE:
Quit while you're ahead Cherington.  Anyway thank you for your...insight.

CHERINGTON:
Wait I haven't told you about Jon Lackey and his power arm.  He's over his drinking issues with Bobby Jenks and he is going to...ah...not now John.

LACKEY:

I'm gonna prove you...ahh...gonna...what...I...DOUBLE FIST.

JOE:
I'm Joe Derive.  Arnie start cooking dinner because I AM OUT OF HERE!!!