Bud Selig

Bud is such an easy target

Hello baseball fans, today we're sitting down with Bud Selig, the commissioner of Major League Baseball, hello Bud!"
"That reminds me, I really hate Bud Lite. That beer tastes awful. I only drink it during those stupid baseball games I have to sit through. Man who in their right mind would pay money for sitting around in the hot sun drinking beer and looking stupid."
" OK...ah...first question. Why wasn't Fenway Park chosen for the All Star game on their 100th anniversary?"
"Lady, we play baseball in stadiums, not outdoor parks."
"Fenway Park is in Boston and its a stadium."
"Then why don't we call it a stadium?"
"It's 100 years old.'
"Well, I certainly am not going to mess with an archeological dig if its 1000 years old."
"100"
"I'm not 100."
"Mr. Selig, why wasn't Fenway...stadium chosen for the All Star game celebrating the 100th anniversary of the...stadium."
"Hey did you see Avatar. It was great. I really loved that..."
"Mr. Selig, can you answer the question about Fenway...stadium."
"Look Kansas city made a lot of improvements and all and Fenway Park is ugly and that free plane ticket to Hawaii didn't hurt either...oh ya, I wasn't supposed to mention that. It might be considered a bribe. Cut that part out!"
"Mr. Selig, are you saying you're taking bribes!"
"Hey, I've been married for 20 years and I only have one bride!"
"That's BRIBE, not BRIDE!"
"Oh ya did you see the Bride of Frankenstein...that was a great movie."
A pause.
"OK, let's talk about steroids. "
"You take steroids!"
"Mr. Selig, I'm talking about the players who took steroids and will you please try to answer a question for once!"
"Players taking steroids. Does it help their performance? I hope it does because baseball is like watching paint dry. Can you see BORING!"
"Mr. Selig, you're the commisioner of baseball."
"Oh ya, no wonder I fall asleep at meetings. Can we talk about Avatar because that Michael babe was hot."
"Mr. Selig, how can you degrade women when a female reporter is standing right next to you."
"Are you saying you didn't like Avatar?"
"I am saying Mr. Selig that you come across as someone with an...unusual personality. Now how about maple bats. "
"What's this got to do with Avatar?"
"I'm talking about the bats that shatter when a ball hits them and can cause serious injury to the crowd."
"Oh ya, that's about the only excitement in the game. Kind of like in Avatar when the ..."
"Mr. Selig stop talking about Avatar OK. I want to talk about steroid use and Mr. Mark McGuire."
"That was great wasn't it! He broke the law, lied about it and the fans still love him. That man knows how to sucker a crowd!"
"Mr. Selig, you come across as a disgusting vial human being who seems to not only ignore but encourage bad behavior."
"If you're sitting on those miserable seats for two hours its nice to have excitement. What do you think about Michelle Rodriquez from Avatar singing the national anthem?"
"I think this interview is over."
"Hey was it something I said."
"Mr. Selig, you seem to only concern yourself with sexually degrading women, encouraging bad behavior and taking bribes. What have you got to say for yourself!"
"Well, I also liked Terminator as well but those sequels, you know Terminator III and Terminator IV were awful. I felt like I was watching a baseball game in Fenway Park. Ug!"
"Mr. Selig, how can you be so insulting!"
"Hey why are we doing this interview anyway! I'm already bored. Hey did you see Michelle Rodriquez in Avatar. She was..."
"Hot...I got it. Now have a nice day Mr. Selig and if you find yourself driving over a cliff, just know that we're all cheering you on!"
"Hey, that reminds me. Do you love Nascar. I sure love it when those cars...hello?"

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Reunion III

The snow storm has entrapped out team inside of a small restaurant in S. Dakota.

Nobody felt like eating after the news. Nobody else was in the place beside the players. David Ortiz saw to that. He booked the entire restaurant for the two hours. Now that two hours would be two days.
Mike Lowell sat in a corned alone nursing his thumb before Doug Mirabelli walked over and sat down next to him.
"You know, where is that limo when you need one."
It was a reference to the time Doug was brought by limo to Yankee stadium to aid Tim Wakefield in a game.
"That was a long time ago Doug, "said Mike. It was a forced smile.
"Sorry Mike."
Mike leaned over and said, "I should say the same for you. Selling Real Estate isn't baseball is it."
Doug leaned back and said, "just goes to show that nothing is certain in that game. "
"You miss it Doug, "said Mike.
"Miss it. Ya I miss it. I miss it every day but I was never that good. I couldn't hit and that was everything in this game. Besides, I looked stupid in that uniform."
Mike smirked and said, "Doug, I've known you a long time and I've never seen you feel sorry for yourself. That's not you."
"Neither is it you Mike. "
Mike shrugged off the comment.
"Hey, food is ready in ten minutes, "said David walking over to disturb the conversation.
Doug and Mike nodded in compliance. David, wisely shrugged it off and walked away.

In the meantime Julio Lugo and Jason Varitek sat against another table.
"How's your back?"
"As good as your throwing on Julio."
"Hey Jason..."
"Sorry, "snapped Jason. "Not in the mood for this. I wish I hadn't come. Why'd I even sign up but I just wanted one more year. Hard to give up you know."
"Ya, "said Julio. "And you actually have talent!"
Both chuckled at that.
"Ya, you've done some winners but we all have. No good in putting you down."
"Ya, that Dave does it best."
"Is he still writing about you?" asked Jason in reference to a certain unnamed columnist for Red Sox Fun House.
"He was for a while. Julio Lugo the talk show host, the idiot, the moron. I mean, it was getting to me you know but he found Theo Epstein so I'm off his list."
"People just don't understand what you go through to make it through a game. You never complained."
"I sucked though. I'll admit that. "
"Ya, I'll second that, "chuckled Jason.
"
Meanwhile Terry Francona, David Ortiz and Tim Wakefield were chatting in a corner.
"I tell you, you want to make woman love you, come up with a name like Big Papi because Little Papi...not so good."
Tim, politely laughing at the joke leaned back against the chair.
"What about you Tim?"
"What about me? " queried Tim in a confused manner.
"Ya, how come you have no nickname."
Tim smiled and said, "well David, I don't know. I'm kind of boring you know."
"So why aren't you talking with Doug Tim. You two were close, "said Tito.
"Still are but he said he wanted to hang with Mike Lowell. Can't blame him. Poor Mike is down in the dumps."
"Well, according to that crazy writer, Mike's taken care of Theo the old fashioned way."
"Oh no, not Dave. That crazy man, "said David Ortiz.
"I don't know, "said Tim. "The Elmer Epstein skits were pretty funny."
"Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits!"
Everyone chucked.

To be continued ....

Reunion Part II

Last time we saw certain figures from the 2007 World Series get together.

"So what are we having?" asked Tito.
"Tito, 'said David. "You always think of your stomach."
"David, "said Tito shaking his head. "I've had a four hour flight. They practically strip searched me at the airport and my food so far has been antacid! Then I drive an hour to a town in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a heavy snow storm."
A still silence hit the room.
"Wow Tito, instead of flying to S. Dakota, you could be enjoying one of my fashion suites in Michigan. It's got snow, cold, and a luxury outdoor hot tub. Actually, the hot tub is because a tree fell on the house."
Everyone laughed.
"You know Doug, I miss you on this team!"
"Me too Tito. I still haven't been able to sell the house despite the great new features!"
Julio Lugo said, "Doug, you are the finest man. "
Doug shrugged it off. Everyone knew despite the humor he really missed baseball. Doug knew it too.
"Are you ready to order?"
Everyone looked up as David said, "ah...we need few more minutes OK."
The female smiled and then walked away.
"If we were in Boston we'd be mobbed, "snapped Tito.
"Hey that's why I picked this place."
"How about Hawaii David?"
Tito looked away taking off his coat.
"Tito, what's eating you, "said Dustin.
Tito looked at Dustin with a straight face and said, "I am never one to complain about upper management."
A sad set of shoulders ran down the room.
"Sorry I'm late everyone but the driving is really getting bad out there."
It was Jason Varitek. David wasn't sure he'd want to come. Everyone smiled.
"Doug Mirabelli and Julio and Mikey...damn good to see you guys!"
Smiles filled the room.
"Hey what about me?"
A large boisterous smile filled the air.
"Mike Lowell, "said Doug. "Have I talked to you about a hot tub?"
Mike seemed confused. Dustin said, "its a joke that Doug is running out of mileage on!"
Mike sat down.
"Tito."
It was friendly.
"Mike, I'm so sorry about Theo. Not fair."
"It's business Tito. I don't take it personally even though if a tree fell on Theo's head it would all do us some good."
The pause filtered through the room. David looked out at the snow falling from the window.
"I'm sorry guys. I just didn't want to play for the Texas Rangers that's all."
The snow kept increasing in strength. Winds blew against the glass.
"You know what everyone. Who ever said management gets anything right. Now let's just enjoy the food and then later on we can all see Doug's property with all that firewood."
"What firewood?" asked Doug.
"Well, after we burn it down that is!"
A laugh filled the room. Everyone now realized why Jason Varitek was captain.
"Hey Tito, it's really snowing out there."
"You're not kidding, "said Mike.
"Excuse me folks, but we have a problem. We're having a blizzard and the good news is that you folks are out guests."
Everyone looked up at the waiter but it wasn't her. It was the manager.
"And the bad, "said Tito.
"The weather is gonna make travel impossible for the next two days. I'm afraid you're stuck here."
.
TO BE CONTINUED

Reunion - Part I

David Ortiz sat against the chair. The restaurant was quite and serene with a lined table meant for a crowd. It was in a small wayward town in the middle of S. Dakota. Snow was on the ground. It always snowed in S. Dakota in the wintertime. He had lived up to his reputation. Big Papi had bought out the place for two hours. He was trying to be a team leader.
The distilled energy of Mike Lowell walked in with a cast on his thumb. He looked cold and somber.
"Mikey, you look good."
Mike didn't look good but David wasn't about to remind him of that.
"Stupid World Series reunions. Maybe I'll play for the Cardinals next year. They don't expect Superman in every position. They cheer their players even if they are struggling. "
David said nothing as Mike sat down. The 2007 World Series reunion was something that David always did January 1st. He knew this year might be the last. Times change and players were moving away.
Mike gave a faint smile and said, "Never sign a three year contract after a World Series win. Do it when you're playing in agony with a lousy hip."
"Man Mike, whatever happened to smilin' Mike!"
It was Doug Mirabelli, the backup catcher. Doug was always the man who said the right thing at the right time. Mike gave him a big hug.
"Dammit Doug, didn't think you'd come."
"No big deal, "said Doug. "Timmy paid for the plane. Being in real estate doesn't exactly generate the kind of money to fly in the middle of nowhere. Snow, ya think I'd get a break from snow flying south!"
A small chuckle rippled through the room.
"Team was never the same since you left, "said Mike.
"Ya I know, "said Doug. "My...ah...charming personality and witty lines were awesome." Only Doug could get away with a line like that. He had a charm that could make anything he said put a smile on your face.
"Hey Doug. Good flight!"
It was Tim. The old suit brought a tender heart.
"Tim, I was expecting a strip search in security but they saw my waist line and changed their mind. Then I told them I was trying to sell Real Estate in Michigan. They really started to pity me then and let me go!"
A small ripple went through the table.
"Oh I am so glad the season is over. Last season was tough, "said Mike.
"I know what you mean, 'said Doug. "Even mentioning my World Series win couldn't sell that shack I was trying to sell that was held up with tinfoil and had no walls. Can't figure it out!"
"Well, "said David, still smiling from the joke, "I am so glad everyone is here. "
A burst of laugher fell through the room as Mike Timlin showed up in a pink and purple striped suit. He sat down and unrolled his tie.
"Damn, its the hat isn't it"
Mike Timlin came in with a smile. Everyone knew this was a tough time for Mike Lowell. Mike Timlin had moved on but he longed for baseball. He really missed it.
"Good to see you Mike."
"You too Mikey. "
"Mike is making a cast of his thumb for charity, "said Doug. Everyone laughed at that one.
"Can I take your order?"
It was Dustin and everyone gave him a huge set of hugs. Dustin Pedroia was everyone's favorite team player. No MVP for last year but Dustin was a team player. He was a lot like Tim Wakefield but with a larger voice.
"Come on guys, I'm getting paid by the table!"
Dustin said down and greeted Doug who was cracking jokes like crazy. Everyone knew Doug didn't exactly like Real Estate but he made the best of it.
"I tell you guys. I look at the old newsreel footage of me playing. That camera really does add about 100 pounds!"
Even Mike had to laugh at that one.
"Gee David, couldn't you have picked an out-of-the-way place in Florida!"
It was their fearless leader Terry Francona. Terry sat down shivering.
"David, this is why I like you. You hold this team together."
Mike turned away from Terry's eyes. Tito smiled anyway and said, "they're planin' to trade me too but I dumped a bunch of beer on Theo Epstein and that was enough."
"Hey, hey, hey, Julio Lugo is here!"
Everyone gave Lugo a hug. He wasn't great on the field but he was loved in the clubhouse. He was a nice guy.
"You know, one nice thing about being in St. Louis, that blogger Dave isn't making fun of me!"
"Oh he never makes fun of me, " said David. "I charm him!"
Everyone nodded but rolled their eyes.
"First Lugo's an idiot on radio, then Lugo's an idiot on the underwear ad!"
"Hey, "said Tim. "I looked good in that ad!"
"You think he's writing about us right now, "said Dustin?
"I hope not, 'said Julio. "next thing you know, that crazy chef Arnie is making his death food. Man, lawnmower casserole with nails. Even I wasn't dumb enough to eat that much of it."
Lugo smiled as the joke made him laugh.
Ttio leaned back and said, "I'm hungry. My belly is screaming for...where are we again?"
The chuckles filled the room.

{ to be continued }