Learn English with Bobby Jenks and John Lackey

(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Bonjour, je suis Phillip. Je préfère ne pas révéler mon nom et je n'aurais pas accepté cette vidéo s'il n'y avait pas les énormes sommes d'argent que j'ai reçu de Bobby Jenks pour sa cour de service communautaire projet a nécessité, mais ce n'est pas important pour le moment. La chose la plus importante est que je suis maintenant tout à fait en état d'ébriété et c'est ...  
(translation)
Hello, I'm Phillip.  I'd rather not reveal my last name and I would have not agreed to this video were it not for the huge sums of money I received from Bobby Jenks for his court required community service project, but that's not important right now.  The most important thing is that I am now quite inebriated and this is...

ENGLISH 101

(SPEAKING FRENCH) 
Donc, nous allons commencer. Tout d'abord, nous voulons apprendre l'anglais et Bobby Jenks et John Lackey ont accepté de nous apprendre quelques expressions de base. Tout d'abord, nous allons apprendre à dire bonjour en anglais.
 
(translated)

So let's get started.  First, we want to learn some English and Bobby Jenks and John Lackey have agreed to teach us some basic phrases.  First, let's learn how to say hello in English.

(SPEAKING ENGLISH)

Helloer...somebody get..ah..me a brewskiers...


(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Je n'ai pas la moindre idée de ce qu'il a dit, mais ne pas avoir peur pour John Lackey également nous apprendre à dire un bon Américain Bonjour.
 
(translated) 

I haven't a clue what he said but don't be afraid for John Lackey will also teach us how to say a proper American Hello.

(SPEAKING ENGLISH)
Hey...I'm seeing double trouble fouble wooble...dooble.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Si vous ne comprenez pas quelque chose de ce qu'ils disent que vous n'êtes pas seul. Comme une question de fait, ne vous sentez pas mal si vous vous sentez ces sons deux comme deux perdants pathétiques essaient de servir leur cour attribué engagements de services communautaires de la manière la plus insultante possible.
Maintenant, nous allons apprendre à dire joyeux anniversaire en anglais.  

(translated)
If you can't understand anything of what they are saying you're not alone.  As a matter of fact, don't feel bad if you feel these two sound like two pathetic losers trying to serve their court assigned community service commitments in the most insulting way possible. 
Now let's learn how to say happy birthday in English.

(SPEAKING ENGLISH - John Lackey)
Happy...hour...flour powder...dower...wower...wanna buy my house...only $1000000000000000000000000000000000...


 (SPEAKING ENGLISH - Bobby Jenks)
Anybody know the nearest audult entertainmenter...man my pants are tight.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Ne vous sentez pas mal si son incompréhensible. Franchement, si j'avais 60 bières, dix scotchs, cinq bouteilles de vin et deux bouteilles de vodka Moi aussi je serais mal à se concentrer. Cependant, heureusement, c'est presque fini.  

(translated)
Don't feel bad if its incomprehensible.  Frankly if I had sixty beers, ten scotches, five bottles of wine and two bottles of Vodka I too would be struggling to focus.  However thankfully its almost over. 

(SPEAKING ENGLISH - Bobby Jenks)
Did I do my communiterity servicables now?

(SPEAKING ENGLISH - John Lackey)
DOUBLE FIST

(SPEAKING ENGLISH - Bobby Jenks)
Hey ya...DOUBLE FIST

(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Oh combien je les lumières et les merveilles de Paris, où la gastronomie, boisson de qualité et l'absence de Jenks Bobby et John Lackey ne peut ajouter Spendor au caviar.  
(translated)

Oh how I long for the lights and wonders of Paris where fine food, fine drink and the lack of a Bobby Jenks and John Lackey can only add spendor to the caviar.  

(SPEAKING ENGLISH - Bobby Jenks)
Ah...DOUBLE FIST.


(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Well that's all for now or as I say quelqu'un peut me sortir de là.  I'll leave you to figure that one out.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH


(SPEAKING ENGLISH - Bobby Jenks)
Ah...ya...I hate French.  For one thing any country that's in Australia is bad!!!! DOUBLE FIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gomes Wants to SMASH Things

Hi, I'm Joe Derive

Today the Boston Red Sox signed Gomes adding that this will really make a difference for the future.  Gomes may be best remembered for punching Coco Crisp in the back.  Hey...we got this guy????????

Gomes: 'I just like to go out and punch people.  I talked to Ben 'Maxwell Smart' Cherington and he said that my OPS and my 'journeyman' qualifications should provide enough offense to compensate for my failures as a human being.

Joe Derive: So how did you react to that?

Gomes: I just punched him in the back. It was all friendly and all.  I mean I didn't mean to have him in the hospital but hey...that's me.

Joe Derive: You punched him in the back?

Gomes: Hey anybody who talks to me like that gets hit like a man...in the back!

Joe: Do you even know why he said???

Gomes: Not really.  What's an OPS?

Joe: You are a perfect candidate for the Bobby Jenks show.

Gomes: Ya they already called me.  I'm gonna work with John Lackey and we're calling ourselves the 'TRIPLE FIST'

Joe: Seems to me you're the 'SOLO FIST'

Gomes: Hey I like that.  Man just makes me want to hit the wall.

Gomes: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Joe: Well on that note I think we can end this interview.

Gomes: Now I have to hit the car window!

Joe: Hey stop it man OK. 

Gomes: You're making me ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joe:I'm Joe Derive.  Have a happy thanksgiving...away from this NUTCASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Get Smart -- Off the Mark

Agent Ben Cherington and Chief John Henry meet in a secret location to discuss the future!!!!

Ben: Sorry I'm late chief but I got stuck in traffic.  Some IDIOT went the wrong way on a one-way street.

John: That's terrible Ben.

Ben: You're telling me Chief.  I got a $500 dollar ticket for a simple mistake!

John: Ben, I'm going to hate myself for this but how could you get a $500 dollar ticket for going down a one way street?

Ben:Well there is the matter of smashing up a police car!

John [Rolling his eyes and grabbing a drink]

Ben: Boy Chief, I don't remember you ever drinking that before!

John: [boiling mad] I met you!

Ben: Now calm down Chief.  Look at all the great trades and purchases I made this year.

Ben: OK well look at the signing of some old-time players and it was ME that signed up Carl Crawford.  That alone should tell you something!

Ben:Ah...well anyway Chief the point is...

John [gulping glass] : The point is that we are total FOOLS!  To think this is our off-season 'secret' headquarters!

Ben: Well it wasn't my idea.  I can't help it if the entire organization is starving for money.  I did my part.  I got you players like Dice-K, John Lackey, Bobby Jenks and...

John: Ben why in the world do I keep you around and for goodness sake...TAKE OFF THE GORILLA SUIT!!!!!!!!!!

Ben: Sorry Chief.  What did you say?  It's hard to hear you inside this gorilla suit!

Ben: That better Chief?

John: I think I liked it better in your gorilla suit.  Ben...why are you talking into you shoe?

Ben: Because I lost my cell phone!

John: HOW did you lose your cellphone?

Ben: I dropped it on the ground and then ran over it with my car.

John: First why didn't you put it in your pocket and second...how could you run over your cellphone with the car?

Ben: First Chief, I had no pockets in my gorilla suit and second, I couldn't see it on the ground from this gorilla suit John.  Boy with stupid questions like that how did you become the Chief of Red Sox operations...tell me that....HOW!

John: I OWN the organization!

Ben: Well that makes sense.  When did you buy it?

John: Ben...go to the Multiple Operations and Redundancy Organizational Network computer and START getting some players!!!!

Ben: Oh you mean the M.O.R.O.N computer.

John: I prefer not calling it that.  It just reminds me of you.

Ben: Oh well thank you Chief.  I always thought of myself as a MORON.

John: Well just be reassured that everyone at the Red Sox feels the same way Ben.

Ben: That's why you hired me John and I'm under contract so you can't fire me can you!

John: Excuse me Ben, I need a drink.

Ben: Well anyway Chief, I'm off to be a MORON.  Hey who designed that computer anyway?

John: Some top-secret organization.  I have no idea myself but it's supposed to be the best.  It's ACME Corporation but that's all I know. I do know that the MORON computer ran some great companies.

Ben: What companies Chief?

John: Those companies that used it went out of business before I found out.

Ben:OK Chief...have a good day.

John:Oh Ben...next time...wear a diaper in the gorilla suit!

Ben: Right chief...sorry about the mess.

MEANWHILE

Bugs Bunny: Ya I wonder who did design the MORON computer for the Red Sox.  Ain't I a stinker!

The Agenda of a President

It's the BOBBY Jenks SHOW with your host BOBBY JENKS!!!!!

Bobby Valentine: Hey...it's my show!

Bobby Jenks: Have you lost your mind?  Wait don't answer that! Anyway folks...wow do I love FOOD! Oh...man just check me out! I'm FIT!

Bobby Valentine: That fat body of yours is the reason you had so many problems!!!

Bobby Jenks: You want a piece of me!!!!!!!!!!

Bobby Valentine: No what I meant to say was how handsome you look and how much I like starring at you.

Bobby Jenks: Man Bobby, I think I liked the other comment better.  ANYWAY with my co-host John Lackey we're looking at what we would do if WE were President.

John Lackey: DOUBLE FIST!

Bobby Jenks: That's right folks. Forget the Democratic or the Republican party or the Tea Party...

John Lackey: I HATE THE TEA PARTY.  Look at what they stand for!  They want to take away my right to drink beer and drink tea instead!

 Bobby Jenks: You sure?

 John Lackey: Hey why else would they call themselves the tea party?

Bobby Jenks:  Oh ya...man are you smart John.  Anyway, our party is called the Beer Party would stand for the conservative rights we all need!


John Lackey: You mean beer?

Bobby Jenks: I said BEER....AHHHHH...forget that. Let's make it the Beer and FOOD Party.

John Lackey: You're melting my brain with these complicated things!

Bobby Jenks: OK since we are the Beer Party we need some beer! I spent a ton of money on this beer!

Bobby Jenks: Want one John?

John Lackey; BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

Bobby Jenks: HEY...You drank up the BEER PARTY!

John Lackey: Double....fi...st....

Bobby Jenks: Oh man I can't believe you did that.  That was over 1000 bottles of beer...but then again we are the Beer Party!

John Lackey:Aw...govment...complicated...I don't feel good Bobby...ahhhh

Bobby Valentine: You two are a couple of losers!  Big...FAT...STUPID...LOSERS!

Bobby Jenks:  Hey I'm not the one who for fired and left in disgrace!!!

Bobby Valentine:  You got drunk, smashed into cars and took off and the Sox fired you!

Bobby Jenks: oh ya I forgot about that...never mind!

John Lackey:Mooorrr....beeerrrrrrr.

Bobby Jenks: You created a deficit of BEER! Now we gotta raise Beer taxes.

John Lackey: NO NEW TAXES...except for beer!

Bobby Jenks: OK folks...so look for the Beer Party and look for us to be your next leaders...

John Lackey: OF BEER

Bobby Jenks and John Lackey: DOUBLE FIST!!!!!!!!!!

Post Election Health

Welcome to the BOBBY VALENTINE SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bobby: DOUBLE FIST

John Lackey: DOUBLE FIST

Bobby: Hey everyone is asking me...Bobby, what do I eat now that election season is like...ovah so I came up with these low calories things so that you like don't get fat.

John Lackey: I know I know!

Bobby: Oh ya...fried chicken and beer!

Bobby: Hey no MOLD!

John Lackey: One word - health department!

Bobby: Oh ya that is one word...I think.  Anyway folks, here is your post-election, football season low-calorie snack treat.  First...cheese dipped potatoes in lots of cheese. I call it...what do I call it!

John Lackey: You call it $#$#$#$. #$#$

Bobby: No that's after dinner.

John: Oh OK.  Here's the dish.  We call it:

CHEESE AND POTATO FUNERAL

Bobby: John...I think I know what heaven tastes like now. 

John Lackey: It's only 2900 calories, 182 grams of fat and 240 grams of carbs.  Man how'd I say that?

Bobby: I have NO idea...hey what's a gram anyway?  Is it the size of...

John and Bobby: DOUBLE FIST!
Bobby: Personally, when I need to start my day of ...whatever I do... I have to eat a healthy breakfast. This is my favorite and you health food nuts please know it's so LOW in calories you hardly taste it! I call it

PAN FAT

John: I can't argue with you there! It's got 1,540 calories, 77 grams of fat, 9 grams of trans fats, 198 grams of carbs and 109 grams of sugar. What a healthy way to start your day.  May I feel sober.

Bobby: Ya but once you eat that...you're still hungry for MORE!  So let's drink up this awesome snack before lunch.  John can you tell them about it! I call it:

SPAGETTI SLUDGE

John: I'm already wet with hunger.  At 2430 calories its a nice snack before dinner.  With only 128 grams of fat and 207 grams of carbs...oh ya 5290 miligrams of sodium or 5.290 grams of sodium,  Hey, how'd I do that!

Bobby:No kidding!  Hey how'd you turn smartful.  You sick or something?

John: Nah, oh ya, I remember now.  Before I got sloshed I had a diet consulterer drum up the numbers for me.  

Bobby: You use a diet thing?  You sure about that spare-tire John?

John: Hey, she's hot and I picked her up...oh somewhere.

Bobby: Oh well that's OK then.

John: Ready for a BURNING DESIRE???

Bobby: Oh...ya....

BURNING DESIRE

 

John: I just wet my pants.

Bobby: Ya I know what you mean!

John: No really I forgot to use the can.

Bobby: That's OK...I did to.  Now tell us about it!

John: Anyway with only 2,740 calories, 166 grams of fat, 191 grams of carbs and 5,280 mg sodium 

Bobby: OK folks that's it for today...mainly because my chest hurts.  Man all this food is making me hungry!

John:  Bobby, I don't feel so good.  My chest...doctor says my cholesterol is about ah...600,000 or something like that.

Bobby: But we eat healthy food!

John: I know but something about that I'm insane or something.  I know let's end today's show with...

Bobby and Johnny: DOUBLE FIST

Bobby Jenks Cooking Show

HI EVERYONE -- welcome to the Bobby Jenks cooking show with your host -- BOOOBBYYY JENKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bobby: Hey Everyone...and welcome to the Bobby Jenks show with my co-host...JOHN LACKEY!!!!

 John: DOUBLE FIST!!!!!!

 Bobby: OK today we're making spagetti and meatballs with corn cooked in beer.  Everyone ready!!!!

 AUDIENCE: (booo!)

 Bobby: OK here we go.  First let's get some corn!

 John and Bobby: That looks....grreeat.

Bobby: Ya it sure does John.  Course I can't tell since I'm totally smashed.  Damn...you would think that 15 glasses of whiskey would just warm me up?

John: Tell me about it.  Anyway let's cook the corn.  I've been boiling the Vadka and we're going to add the corn to cook it.  Hey this feels slimy.

AUDIENCE: GROSS!!!!

Bobby: Hey it'll taste great.  Trust me.  Mmmm I can just smell that corn...I think.  Smells like Vadka actually.

John:Let's do the spagetti sauce.  I'm gonna cut up these tomatoes...yum.

Bobby: Must be a new variety John.  They look white!

AUDIENCE: I'm gonna be sick...

Bobby:OK once you got all these tomatoes cooking...wow they cook fast.  Must be the mushy variety.  Look at how quickly when you heat them they turn into white/red...stuff.

John: You idiot...that's the bread.  I got this green bread from the store.  Yum!

Bobby: That sure makes some great double-fist sandwiches.  Hey let me take the corn and wrap it in the bread...oh wow...what's all this dust????

John: Calm down I'm adding the tomatoes to the spagetti...mmm...

Bobby: We got this white spagetti from the...where'd we get it from?

John: I think the back yard.  Damn we have to fix the refrigeratorer

Bobby: What's a refrigeratorer?

John: Tell ya when I finish my shot of Whiskey.  DOUBLE FIST

Bobby and John: DOUBLE FIST

John: Ah heck we forgot a tomatoe with sprouts.

Bobby: Never knew sprouts grew on a totato...er...tomato...err...

John: Anyway that's it for the Bobby Jenks show.  Help us eat this delicious dinner...ah...I don't feel so good.

Bobby: Ya me too...oh crap...that ain't sprouts...that's MOLD!!!!

John [chowing down food]: What?

Bobby: Never mind.

John: Hey I found more bread!

Bobby: I'm really sick John...

John: MMMM

Bobby and John: Oh #$#$#$...that's some good bread...ya...I really feel sick now.

Bobby: OK before I pass out...join us up time for the Bobby Jenky Cookery Shower...oh I feel six.

John: DOUBLE FIST

Are You Smarter Than Julio Lugo

Jeff Foxworthy: Hi and welcome to a special edition of 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.  Today we're asking -- Are You Smarter Than Julio Lugo'  Julio Lugo played shortstop for the Boston Red Sox and proved so inept...er...interesting that he found his way to the Orioles.

Julio Lugo: They fired me too.

Jeff F. : Today we have as our first contestant -- Bobby Jenks!

Bobby: DOUBLE FIST:

Jeff F: Bobby played for the Red Sox -- well he was disabled for the Red Sox for two years and ended his career by crashing into cars after getting sloshed as an adult entertainment establishment.  Well anyway, an easy question to start for $100 dollars.  'How many feet are in a mile'


Bobby: Ah...ah...ah...I'd like to use a cheat and ask Julio Lugo

Jeff F: Seriously?

Bobby: Hey I use the cubit system when I measure things. 

Jeff F: OK...Julio!

Julio: Ah...10 hundred meters.

Bobby: I'll go with that!

Jeff F: OK...the answer is 5280 feet.  Just a bit off but don't worry Bobby that was a hard one...I guess.  This question is for $10 dollars.

Bobby: Why so little?

Jeff F: We're lowering our standards.

Julio:  Hey me smarterer!

Bobby: OK for $10.00

Jeff: What month has 29 days in it!

Bobby: All of them...

Jeff: You know I think our next episode will ask 'Are you dumber than Bobby Jenks!'

Bobby: DOUBLE FIST

Jeff: Right...OK the answer is February.  You should have asked Julio!

Julio:  Not really...I thought it was the month of Saturday.

Jeff: OK...this question you guys couldn't possibly fail at for $1.00.  Bobby which has more alcohol -- beer or Whiskey?

Bobby: Wow...that really depends on how much you drink.  Whiskey has a proof of 80 which means it has 40% alcohol however their are...

Jeff: Just answer the damn question!

Bobby: OK...Whiskey.

Jeff: You got it for $1.00

Bobby: DOUBLE FIST, DOUBLE FIST...

Jeff:  Now Bobby...you can keep that one dollar -- highly recommended -- or try for $10.00 for the next question but I have to warn you -- it has nothing with self-destructive behavior such as drinking, gambling, crashing into cars while drunk, etc.

Bobby: Whew...that's a tough one Jeff...but I'll risk it!!!!

Jeff: You're funeral.  OK for $10.00, its the letter between 'V' and 'X'.  THINK about it and take your time.

Julio:  'A' Bobby...it's 'A'

Bobby: A...ya V A X...wait!  That don't sound right.  Ah...'B'

Jeff: Wow...how in hell did you manage to pitch for the major leagues?

Bobby: Don't need brains just talent!

Jeff:  Like I said, how in hell did you pitch for the major leagues?

Bobby: So I get $10.00

Jeff:  Tell you what Bobby...let's say your answer was incredibly wrong...in an almost pathetic way.  Would you trade in your $10.00 for a $20.00 question.

Bobby: YA...whatever you said.  Don't use all those big words...DOUBLEFIST!!!!

Jeff: OK...this is easy.  It's the number after FOUR.  Got it...name the number after FOUR!

Bobby: Ya...that's easy because I know after 4 bottles of Whiskey I'm ready for Burbin so that means ONE!

Jeff: OK...well thank you for joining us today on 'Are You Smarter Than Julio Lugo' and join us tomorrow for 'Are you a Total Moron Like Bobby Jenks'

Bobby: Did I win?

Jeff: Here's $10.00.  Go buy yourself...

Bobby: DOUBLE FIST!

Julio Lugo: Hey can I go now!

Bobby: DOUBLE FIST

Jeff: I quit.