Ben Cherington

Ben walked slowly into Larry Lucchiono's office and was greeted with a warm but somewhat hesitant smile. Actually Ben noticed the smile was almost strained but he ignored his obvious misperceptions and sat down in a seat that appeared to be about three inches off the floor. As he sat in the chair he noticed it was solid wood and was several sizes to small for him.

"Ben, so glad you could come in. Great job you're doing, great job!"

"Thank you sir. I just had an idea about Right field..."

"Wait...you didn't...act upon it...did you?"

"No sir!"

Larry seemed to sigh in relief and sit down on a warm and soft leather chair.

"So Arnie tells me you're doing well in his kitchen."

"Yes sir. I just want you to know that I paid for all the damage from the accidental explosion from the gas leak when I damaged the pipe and then lit a match...whew glad I wasn't hurt. "

"Ya well Arnie just wanted you to know that his restaurant will be reopening in a secret location that's too secret for you to find it...and don't...please."

The volume of Larry's words went off to a high audible level with 'please' but Ben ignored it mainly because he could barely hear it.

"So...what other ideas do you have?"

"Sir, I was thinking that considering J,D, Drew's outstanding performance with the Sox you know that we could sign him again for right field. Also, Julio Lugo has expressed interest in returning and taking over as a starting pitcher or bullpen relief. I ran them by Arnie and he said something about my medications."

"Right, "snorted Larry who then reached for a drink and gulped it down.

"Wow, I've never seen anyone drink 140 proof that fast Larry. "

"Ya well, you're an inspiration to me Ben!"

Ben smiled realizing how happy he could make Larry in a day.

"I also understand you were working with this man named Greg on early Church history..."

"Ya well that didn't work out. He doesn't really know his history Larry. I mean the man thinks there are Ten Commandments. Can you believe that guy? We have fifteen commandments and I know it because I read them! Now we argued for over fifteen minutes before we both decided it was best I find other...what did he say...ah...avenues of employment that don't involve actual thinking. "

Ben heard a hard thumping sound and looked up to see Larry strike his head against the desk. He wondered what got into Larry.

"Is something wrong sir?"

"No nothing, "said Larry. "This is just therapy for me."

Larry then smiled and sat upright.

"So you also worked for this guy named Dave on computer programming?"

"Ya, 'said Ben. "But I tell you all his computers were a mess. I straightened them out. Now Dave didn't see it that way. For fifteen minutes he kept saying something about 'thank goodness for backups." Man what a strange day. He's really sensitive you know."

Ben sighed and then saw Larry gulp down more 140 proof.

"SO then you worked for someone named Craig."

"Ya, I borrowed some money from him and invested it in the Las Vegas casinos. I told him that it would be a great, great investment. Tell me Larry. what's a foreclosure because Craig said I gave him one. He wasn't very happy."

Larry just turned into stone at this moment.

"So then you worked for Andrew, a lawyer."

"Ya, did you know Lawyers can get sued too because Andrew has a ton of lawsuits and they all involve cases I managed. What a coincidence? Needless to say Andrew said he no longer had need for the position I filled...or actually his office, his home, his car. Wow that man fell on hard times."

Ben then leaned back in his chair.

"Then I worked for Ellen's husband at the bank Larry. Whew, glad I worked there because that bank said it was doing well but I tell you when I worked for three days somehow..."

"The bank went out of business?"

"Ya, I mean we got one burglary and the burglars looked at me and then left saying something about it wasn't worth robbing a bank where Ben Cherington is in charge. Strange!"

"So then you worked for Garry?"

"Ya, Garry kept giving me this baseball advise that made no sense."

"Can't imagine why, "said Larry.

"Bunting, baserunning, conditioning, etc. Whew...totally lost me on bunting. What's a bunt?"

Larry then smiled and looked around at the window.

"So, John Henry really...likes you????"

"Yup, he says I'm the shining image of Theo Epstein!"

"Ya, I can see that. OK Ben well have a nice day. "

"You too Larry. Great working with you!"

Ben strolled out then paused at the door.

"Larry, I was thinking about Tim Wakefield at third base and trading Youk for a player to be named later..."

"Ben have you been taking your medications?"

THE END.

What Is Wrong With This Picture?

Steve:
Hello, I'm Steve Thunker and I'm replacing Joe Derive who is sick with the 'flu'. I'm the producer of Joe's video feeds and I also clean toilets to a sparkle. Today we have Boston Globe columnist Bill Snicker and today we're talking about the Red Sox and their future. Welcome Bill.

Bill:
Welcome Steve, it's great to be here.

Steve:
It's great to have you here Bill. It's always a pleasure and frankly an honor to have you on.

Bill:
The pleasure is mine Steve and as always its great to be on this show.

Steve:
Right, right, right. So let's start with the obvious question which is what about Bobby Valentine. I mean, clearly a brilliant manager and you knew that from his commentary. He spotted the fact that J.D. Drew, despite that gorgeous swing really isn't a great hitter and gets hurt a lot, and most of us didn't get that. He spotted the fact that Josh Beckett was taking too long between pitches and he pointed out that Carl Crawford's stance was terrible and all these things honestly escaped most of our viewers and listeners. Now given that premise, my question Bill is do you think Bobby Valentine is really the manager for the Sox.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Oh sorry, I fell asleep there while you were talking. I do that a lot. Nothing personal.

Steve:
Fine, fine, fine, that's OK.

Bill:
Anyway Steve, I feel that Bobby's OCT stats and his propensity and demand for FCTS's as well as his high DETS really is going to play a long way towards him being the manager that Boston needs right now.

Steve:
Fine, fine, fine...now Bill, I'm not familiar with OCT or DETS or FCTS and was wondering if you could...ah...clear that up for our listeners who really do have a demanding ear for the game and really like the stats and the numbers.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Sorry...I was watching the news and eating some chicken nuggets...got hungry while you were talking. Anyway, DETS and OCT and FCTS are complex calculations that offer us as commentators a numeric evaluation of the manager and give us an objective...mmm...nuggets with ketchup...ah...an objective way to scan out and evaluate a manager.

Steve:
right, right, right...ah..in this case what do those numbers tell you about Bobby Valentine.

Bill:
They need to...you know like all numbers we have to first stretch them out over the long term but for the short term the numbers tell us that especially the DETS is generating the bell curve of the first derivative of value R subtracted from the right angle that bisects the curve...

Steve:
Right, right, right so this is basically a made-up formula that really doesn't apply much to anything but sounds good.

Bill:
That's exactly why we're using it as well because it really does give us objectivism and object study of circumstances...I mean...actually I have no idea what I'm talking about but it does sound good.

Steve:
Professionally speaking it really does and does give me a lot of insight into things I didn't know existed until you made them up.

Bill:
Thank you Steve...I'm glad you understand it.

Steve:
Anyway my next question is David Ortiz. Do you think David can contribute to the Sox in 2012.

Bill:
That's a great question Bill and many argue that David can only hit and not in the clutch, can't outrun a turtle that just got run over by a car and usually hits into double plays and is not a team player and is way overpaid and keeps getting more money the Sox could use for beefing up right field, the catching position, and most of the starting and bullpen rotation but I think the fans see this as a great advantage that can help the Red Sox long term. How, I'm not exactly sure since it defies any sort of logic but I think it will.

Steve:
Right, right, right...I think you are right in this aspect. I mean David can hit...into double plays, lose a lot of games for the Red Sox and fail to participate in making things happen but at the same time he's a large presence and has lots of...ah...personality that really overshadows those other qualities.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Sorry I was watching Dark Knight where Batman beats up the Joker. It's really an intense scene. Fans enjoy watching the Batman when he beat up on the Joker...its really creepy. The Joker represents anarchy while Batman represents vigilance and terror and a great merchandising opportunity.

Steve:
Right, right...I agree. Now Bill what about Jonathan Papelbon.

Bill:
Well I have no idea but Papelbon's WHIP and ERA and WAP stats along with his BUTT and TUCK stats really do make him one of the best pitchers today but its really his FLAP and FLIP stats that derive for us an answer.

Steve:
Right, right, right, that's good analysis and I think the fans follow you completely.

Bill:
Glad they do because I have no idea what I'm talking about but hold on...Batman is not going to rescue Rachel on time...this looks bad for the Dark Knight.

Steve:
Right, right, right, well thank you for being on...on this show today Bill. It really does show the fans why you are the elite baseball expert.

Bill:
Well thank you Steve and as they say in baseball when you WAT and AVG and RIB and RBI and DAT attack don't forget your BRAQ.

Steve:
Right, right right...and that was very funny I think...whatever a BRAQ and RIB and DAT mean.

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Hey I'm trying to watch the Dark Knight here...oh crap Rachel's dead. This is bad for the Dark Knight.

Steve:
Bill can I ask you with John Lackey and Dice-K out for the season and Jonathan Papelbon gone but the Sox signed Fat Albert...er... Matt Albers what are the Sox going to do about starting pitching and the bullpen.

Bill:
That's a great question but I'm afraid I'll have to answer it with more nonsensical stats and besides Harvey Dent just became Two Face. Oh gross...that's disgusting.

Steve:
Well anyway Bill, have a good day everyone and keep that Red Sox Nation banner flying!

Bill:
Ya fans keep reading the Globe for more insight than Gilligan's Island.

Steve:
That doesn't help Bill.

Bill:
Ya well so what...I'm watching Batman.

Winter Meetings

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and this is the winter meetings. If you think things are looking up for the Sox, think again. I sat down with Ben Cherington trying to understand 'the plan.'

"We are sticking with the plan and that means a plan that we put into effect. Many people wonder about the plan and I have made it clear that the plan is the plan and we plan on using the plan."

"Can you give my viewers any details of the plan because I have no idea what you just said?"

"Ah...no."

"So in other words, you don't have a plan."

"Of course I do Mr. Derive. You and your readers should know that we have the plan...you know like the Joker in Dark Knight...the plan...where he was doing things...that were...part of the plan."

"The Joker was insane..."

"Crap...OK we don't have a plan and I'm not insane...I think."

OK after that I had to walk away before I was getting Ben's infection of insanity. Now later I sat down with Theo Epstein who talked about Ben Cherington.

"Ben and I joked that I raided the Red Sox offices to look for secrets but ya know I was joking because I mean...I don't have a plan or anything besides spending money on useless free agents and...you're not quoting me are you Joe?"

I had to walk away from that one as well. I decided to hit up on John Farrell and talk to him. Here is what he said on the Red Sox collapse.

[no quote]

OK as you may have guessed he said nothing.

Now onto fan mail. Many of you have asked what I think of Daniel Bard becoming a starter. I say first you unload Papelbon and then you use Bard to become a starter and I say I guess its part of the plan to think stupid but that's me. So far the Sox are missing two starters, are going to use Bard (second best closer on the team) and Alfredo (best relief man in the pen) to start and have cleaned out the bullpen in the process leaving no starter and no long term relief...but then again we have Bobby Jenks who can't stay healthy for a day mainly because he's overweight and out of shape. Wow, talk about a drinking binge waiting to happen!

I'm Joe Derive...

Hello Bobby

(Thank you to Arnie for writing part of this one)

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I got an exclusive interview with Bobby Valentine...or did until Heather Watson got the interview from under me. Why would Bobby choose some woman, age thirty one with a size 44D and and fifteen inch waist and blonde hair and blue eyes that...oh ya, that's why. Anyway, here it is.

Heather:
Bobby, what are your plans to get the Sox back on track after their collapse?

Bobby:
Well, before we start, I was just thinking about my new cuff links. I know its a minor thing but I thought I would point that out. I think it makes my eyes shine Heather...don't you?

Heather:
Down boy! Bobby, where do you think Carl Crawford fits into the Sox' lineup?

Bobby:
They named a street after me in Japan, you know. 'Lobert Varentine Street.' I think I'll have John Henry rename Yawkey Way....." Bobby Way." Or maybe rename Fenway...... "Bobby V Field at Fenway." Has a nice ring to it which has nothing to do with my cufflinks...not that I was trying to make a link there...get it?

Heather: (hitting head on table)
Bobby, there is talk about making Daniel Bard a starter...what do you think?

Bobby:
Its a stupid idea but its going to happen because the owners are a bunch of morons...not that I said it of course. Anyway, I wanted you to know Heather that I have reserved seats at the finest restaurant in Boston and I do sixty pushups a day. That's sixty.

Heather: (rolling eyes)
Bobby, what do you think the changes of signing David Ortiz is?

Bobby:
I might also add that I do one hundred twenty situps a day and do leg lifts and lots of other exercise.

Heather:
Bobby you do not do one hundred twenty pushups...oh my...that stomach is like iron...hot...err...anyway...the question about David Ortiz and can you please put your shirt back on?

Bobby:
I think David Ortiz can be valuable but the problem is we lost Papelbon which was a dumb idea. The Red Sox management really has compost for gray matter...did I mention that I'm reliable and experienced?

Heather:
Ah...Bobby ah...Mr. Valentine this is an interview OK. Now about Jed Lowrie...what about the trading issue of his value?

Bobby:
Heather I have no bones about trading Jed Lowrie to get some pitching. Theo and his morons bled the team of talent and I intend to put it back not that guys like Cherington aren't following the tradition of 'be stupid' mind you but I can straighten that out...did I mention Heather that Boston is amazing in a hot tub with candle light and white wine and imported chocolates!

Heather:
Bobby, this is a professional...white wine? Wow, what year?

Bobby:
Its older than me!

Heather: (sultry smile)
You know Bobby, I find wine, when properly aged is ready for drinking don't you...Bobby!

Bobby (sweating all over);
Ah...

Heather:
You know Bobby, we can continue the interview later...because I do feel like getting wet starting with my lips.

Bobby:
Heather...that's a little extreme don't you think. I mean...I ah...Heather...Heather...


Joe Derive.
The interview stopped there. Of course I can sulk or sit here at Arnie's restaurant and drown my pain in Arnie's famous salad with green imported olives, fresh string beans, olive oil, tender chicken strips and crisp spinach and slices of apple...but that's OK...next time.

Arnie:
Don't feel bad Joe. You have so much to live for with your talent for writing and your charm and wit. I wouldn't worry.

Joe:
Ya and my tossed salad thanks to gaining fifteen pounds ON YOUR COOKING.

Arnie:
Hey, I can't help it if Arnie's is the best cooking this side of the Moon.

Joe:
To great food...and a diet!

Arnie:
To the Red Sox and their great...er...not-so-great...future.

Joe:
Cheers!

We Need A Direction

John Henry sat around the conference table. Along with Larry Lucchino and general manager Ben Cherington there were bowls of breads and cheeses, wines of different varieties and steaming bowls of wild rice. There were sandwiches and fresh fruit and all sorts of chocolates. Instead of eating though, they sat around and watched the clock listening to the ticking sound. John especially liked to tap his fingers in rhythm to the ticking sound of the clock. For some reason Larry gripped his fist all the more tight as time went on.

"I need to get to Liverpool, "said John Henry. "I have important work managing my investment. Deciding things like a manager can wait since Red Sox fans will love the game no matter how stupid we are. Ha, I didn't say that on the air did I? I hate sounding dumb like when I said we shouldn't have signed Crawford. That really made me look stupid didn't it."

"I say Valentine, "shouted Larry ignoring John's rants.

"I say Julio Lugo, "screamed Ben.

"I say Tea, Earl Gray, hot, "said John Henry.

The two looked at Henry.

"Look we all need a manager at some point but who cares. We can function without one. Heck its just a waste of money. I think we have more pressing matters like if we sign Papelbon or not, "said John.

"He signed with the Phillies, "said Larry growling every sound out while starring down Ben Cherington.

"Oh, well how about we get a new pitching coach and a hitting coach and third base coach and a..."

"We can't seem to even decide what color carpet we should have in this room, "growled Larry.

"Red..."

"Blue..." shouted Larry.

"I think I'd like some nice wireless stereo headphones for my trip to England, "said John Henry.

"Red..."

"Blue..." shouted Larry.

"Did you guys see last week's Liverpool match. That was quite exciting considering I fell asleep."

Just then Julio Lugo walked in and sat on the floor -- mainly because he failed to sit on the chair miscalculating the distance between chair and body. It was a common misstep.

"Look, Lugo is perfect. He runs a great radio show and he's smart-ful-er about baseball, "shouted Ben.

"He's an idiot, "growled Larry. "And he's not the only one in the room!"

"Look guys, I'm ready to take charge. Just let me mange these guys to a SuperBowl or whatever you call the big...ah...thing...you win...World Playoff?" said Lugo.

"And this is your best choice, "shouted Ben!

"I need an nap, "sighed John with a slight smile. "The Earl Gray tea can wait..."

"I am sick to death of your obsession with tea and sleep John. The Sox are collapsing and all you can do is fly to LiverPool and drink tea. Don't you get it...Cherington is an IDIOT."

"I resent that, don't you Lugo?"

"Absolutely, "said Lugo who spilled the cup of water in front of him while reaching for it. Lugo had bad hand/eye coordination. "I feel we need real leaders who lead and bring in titles and rings and notebooks with rings...hey get it...ringed notebooks?" laughed Lugo.

"That's funny, "said Ben.

"That's stupid, "said Larry.

"Did anyone ever save the crew of Gilligan's Island. I really hope they got off that island and head off to my Liverpool match, "said John Henry.

"We need Valentine, "shouted Larry.

"Lugo, "screamed Ben.

Lugo who leaned back in his chair watched the ceiling form as his entire body crashed on the floor.

"That's some nice ceiling tile John..."

'Wow Lugo, you really think so. I think I do like you as a manager. You can start right away!"

"I quit, "screamed Larry.

"I'm successfuller, "said Ben.

"OK now off to Liverpool. I have a game to catch."

"Bye John, "shouted Ben.

"Bye John, "said Lugo.

"Go to @$#$ " cursed Larry.

John paused and thought about something. A small layer of smoke rose above his hair. "I feel like I should say something...but I have Liverpool to worry about. Bye!"

John walked out and so did Larry but Lugo and Ben stood around and ate food thinking about things like how to get Gilligan off the Island or how to save the Lost In Space ship. Nothing about baseball was ever discussed.

Dan Cherington's Press Conference

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I couldn't believe that they rehired me -- and just in time for Dan Cherington's press conference. Oh, here he comes now!

"Hi everyone. I am so excited to be here. You know starring at a computer screen for SOOO many years makes a man hungry for a beer. Anyway, ask away because I am the new face of the Red Sox."

I have to say this was not a good start.

"Mr. Cherington, could you comment on why Jonathan Papelbon wasn't even given an offer by the Sox? I mean this is a premiere closer."

Dan leans back.

"You know, my daddy used to say to me...son...do you ever feel that your lack of brains slows you down in life?"

Dan leans forward.

"I am the Red Sox CEO and other things and the last thing I am going to do is sign a closer when there are so many out there. I mean closers are a dime-a-dozen. Look at 2007 when Eric Gagne won us a World Series or when Roger Clemens won the 1875 World Series. Don't you worry."

I have to say that Dan is making me wish for Theo's return.

"Dan, do you think the Red Sox will have a manager soon!"

"Glad you asked that. I mean we were all set for the third base coach. As my father used to say -- 'son, sometimes a fish is best observed underwater...and I have no idea what he meant by that.' Anyway, he was a great choice as we spoke the same language. We knew that ten plus ten is twenty five. Anyway, John Henry suggested I drive my car into a tree...which I took meant he wanted another choice for manager. "

"Dan, what about Tim Wakefield? Will you sign him?"

"Well, I gotta tell ya. Everyone here loves Tim Wakefield and he needs to know right away he's a washout...I mean what his role is-- if any -- which isn't much of a role. So like as my father used to say -- 'son, when you bake a cake, use a pan and not a bowl and break a few eggs and toss some of that in there until you're sure its cooled off...and I have no idea what he meant by that."

"Dan, what about Theo Epstein. Why did the Red Sox let him go and then deal with bargaining talks...and don't tell us about your father."

Dan leans back.

"I gotta tell ya, that was really dumb of me to suggest that. What was I thinking. It's like my father used to say -- 'son, when you drive your car always remember that its you and not the other drivers that determine their destiny because destiny is like a duck swimming on water and not like a whale eating fish. I have no idea what I mean by that son.' So that should sum it up...hey you guys like country music."

Dan pulled out his guitar despite our screams.

When I was a young boy,
and my Daddy held my hand,
He told me what was right and wrong,
and he told me what was bad,
Then one day he told me that,
Sometimes things go wrong,
But just remember that things don't get no right

La, la, la la la, la la la la la

When I grew up I found my stake of life,
It was a really nice steak that I broiled by the fire,
I wish she was near me so we could make our love,
Then by then the steak would be cooked,
and I'd add some onions too,
I fell like the harmonica,
is marinating my heart,

La la la la la la la la la

"Next question please..."

Like I said everyone, I really miss Theo Epstein all of a sudden.

Theo's Press Conference

Theo Epstein sat on the brink of power resting against the boardroom table examining his staff. He had Arnie, his cook, Ellen, his player advisor, Andrew, his lawyer, Garry his baseball consultant, and Greg his history consultant.

"OK, what we need for the first press conference..."

"Get Mike Lowell for a manager, "shouted Ellen.

Theo, who felt his headache coming back sighed.

"Ellen, Mike is doing well with a radio show. He has a bad hip. Now I am thinking instead of Eric Gagne for the closer. Cheap buy at 4.5 million per year."

Theo heard a thumping and turned to Garry.

"Calm down Garry. It's a smart move. I've used the this type of logic to bring the Red Sox to third place two years in a row for a cost of over $450 million so I know what I'm doing. "

"Mike Lowell...please. "

Theo shook his head.

"Greg, what do you think?"

'I'm a Roman historian and you're asking me? However if you want my opinion..."

"No not really...not when Julio Lugo will be the new Cubs new manager. "

"What the #$#$ " shouted everyone.

"Calm down, "said Theo. "I'm in control. When I get through the Cubs will be in at least forth place with a proud $500 million dollar budget. "

"You're insane, "shouted Gary.

"And...loving it, "smiled Theo. "Anyway, I have a press conference...thanks for the Vodka Arnie!"

"No problem, "smiled Arnie.

......... LATER............

"...Yes, I think Chicago's future is here...how...wow its getting hot in here. Is the room spinning."

'Mr. Epstein, what is your policy about drinking in the clubhouse."

"Great question. I and my Chicagut peoplers will support no more drink in the clubhouse. We feel that drink is really bad and...wow its hot in here. "

"Ah, sir, are you OK?"

"Fine, fine, fine, fine...just fine and I am fine...wow I feel good. Hey, how many Chicago Cubs does it take to change a lightburp...bulb...ah...ya, next qwestion...ha ha that's funny."

"Mr. Epstein, two questions. One what moves are the most important for you in getting Chicago back on the map and two...are you drunk?"

"Dwunk, no dwunk....ha...as far as moves I think better uniforms. I was thinking of pink and lavendar....ah...I want a donut...somebody get me a donut...hey its too hot in here. I'm taking my clothes off."

"Sir...I think the press conference is over."

"Ovah, ovah, nevah. I am the King. I'm the King of the World. I'm BATMAN. Where's Robin and the Batmobile. The Joker is in town. Beam me up Scotty..."

"Sir, get off the stage now."

"Now, I will not. They made me an offer I can't refuse. I'm Wonder Woman....ah...wow I'm roasting. Get these clothes off..."

............. LATER.........

"Andrew, I made a complete fool of myself. What do I do now?'

"Ah, as your lawyer I have only two words -- resign now."

Welcome to Chicago Theo

Thanks Arnie for this one!!!!

Theo Epstein breathed in the salty air of Lake Michigan -- until he realized it was a fresh water lake and he was inside so he couldn't smell the outside -- and sat down on the chair. He then moved the chair over to the window. The money...the money.

"Sir, you busy?"

"No Arnie, come on in. "

Arnie, the passionate cook and restaurant owner sat down with a notepad. Theo leaned against the desk and dropped his feet on the desk.

"Arnie, how is it I spent $450 million over the past three years, put the Red Sox in third place and still Chicago hires me at 18 million. "

"Well sir, the Cubs have been called the Mets of the Midwest."

"No matter, " said Theo. "What have you got for me today Arnie!"

" "Let's see, "said Arnie. "A double keg cooler, extra large, with a tap for the clubhouse and another for the dugout..."

"The beer?"

"Bud light?"

"Curses, "said Theo. "This is the Cubs. We live in style."

"Rolling Rock?"

"Much better. "

"OK, " said Arnie. "A deep fryer, a flat top grill, pizza oven. Nothing fancy, no saute' station or garde manger setup. Of course, the big expense should be and will be the hood and Ansul system, but hey, it's worth it. "

"So far so good! What's an Ansul system?"

"How did you graduate from Harvard and not know this?"

"They don't call me Elmer Epstein for nothin'."

"And you're proud of that....OK."

Arnie paused and composed himself.

"Now we're taking out the fried chicken and beer from the clubhouse and upgrading it to include some nicer dishes that reflect your good taste. So I think a nice Cubs Clubhouse Brunch is in order: Eggs Benedict, Smoked Trout and goat cheese Omelet, Clams Casino, Grape and Fennel Focaccia, Blintzes, Lox and Bagel plate..... Mimosas, Champagne and Chambord, Red Beer. Bloody Mary.........and my signature Chocolate Truffles, Key Lime Pie, Creme Brulee, heck, maybe I'll spring for Baked Alaska..."

"Arnie, I think I wet my pants."

"You can keep that to yourself Theo."

"OK."
Just then Lugo walked in and started to plaster Red Sox wallpaper on the windows."

"Good job Lugo."

"Yes sir."

Arnie shook his head in confusion and Theo laughed.

"Why Arnie, what confuses you about me."

"That would take to long to explain and my $2 million dollar salary isn't enough to make me explain it. "

"Suit yourself -- get it...suit yourself?"

"Not really?"

Theo got up and walked to the window before slamming into it.

"Dammit Lugo. I can't tell when I hit a window unless you paper it with Red Sox wallpaper. Hurry up."

"Sorry boss...trying my best."

"I heard, "said Arnie, "that you're making Drew the team doctor. Good choice."

"Yes, "said Theo. "Drew knows more about ailments than anyone else. Vertigo, pulled muscles, spasms, bad teeth and hairstyles, broken fingernails, cuts bruises, back problems -- his specialty by the way. I am sure that within a few weeks the DL will be filled with his patients. I just hope Chicago has deep pockets...ha.ha.ha..ha.'

Arnie shook his head as the hysterical laughter of Theo filled the room.

"OK, enough of that. I've appointed Gagne as team manager and John Lackey -- if I can convince Chicago of this -- to be the pitching coach. Yes Arnie, the great ruler of baseball will take Chicago and put them in the World Series as victors next year. Yes I will."

"Seriously???"

"Na, "said Theo. "They'll be lucky if they get into fourth place for the next ten years. "

"Whew, "said Arnie. "You were scaring me for a second there."

"OK that will be it for now. Have a good day Arnie."

"You too Theo."

Arnie walked out as Theo felt wet wallpaper stick to his back.

"The window Lugnuts, the window."

"Not the computer you idiot. I'm not talking Windows, I'm talking the Window."

"Yes sir."

Theo shook his head and wiped the wallpaper paste off his back. He sat down and fell asleep.

John Henry and the Kitty

John Henry, drained and beaten, after a long day at work, plodded into his house and crashed on the couch. He only moved when he saw the strange fury creature stroll past him.

"Honey, is that a cat?"

"A gift from Tito John. Wasn't that nice? After all he does consider us family. Isn't she sweet? Look at that gorgeous gray hair. "

"Yes, "said John who watched as the cat scampered away as he reached to pet her.

"Tito said,
Dear John. After all you did for me, this is the least I can do for you. Ten minutes with this cat will change you forever. Love Tito"

John got up and tried to follow the cat sat at the door.

MEOWWWWWWWWWW

John almost fell to the floor. His ears rang with pain. "Oh s-t, "cried John. "That is the worst whine I've ever heard in a cat. I think I'm gonna be sick."

MEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

"John, relax...I think it just wants to go out. Open the door."

John reacted and pushed the door open against the cold New England night and watched as the cat run out.
Kitty ran out.

"John, that whine...I never heard something so revolting. "

John rubbed his ears trying to get feeling back in them.

"Agony dear. Just agony."

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

"John I think the cat wants to come back in."

"Don't let him. He'll just whine again!"

"MEWWWWWWWWWWWW...MEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW"

"John open the door while we have time!"

John opened the door and felt the blast of New England Air blow past him. He watched the cat run past him.
Kitty ran in.

"MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"John he wants to go out the front door now. Hurry..."

John ran frantically to the front door crashing into walls and smashing a lamp.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

He ran to the door.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

He ripped the door open.

Kitty went out.

"John, I can't bear that cat. No matter how beautiful it looks...beer, let's get him beer."

"We can't. If the press catches me with beer they'll tear me in two."

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"John, he can't possibly want to come in again. He's only been out a minute. "

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in

The cat ran past him and to the back door.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"Oh my goodness John. All it does is go in and out."

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"Out...have to let him out, "cried John.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out.

Hour after hour this continued with endless whining. Later that night as the family rested in bed, John was red eyed and blurry with confusion. His wife sat next to him meowing lightly. The clock was 2:32 am.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in (2:33 am)

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out (2:40 am)

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in (2:45 am)

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in (3:00 am)

"John we have to do something...while my mind can function."

"Yes, kill the cat!"

"John no...the press. Think of the press. "

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in (3:o5 am)

...

The next morning John picked up the phone. He could barely talk.

"John Tito here...how's that cat working out for you?"

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in.
John hung up the phone.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out. John collapsed on the floor.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

John crawled to the door. He smashed it and let the air blow in. The cat stood there and whined. John grabbed the cat and pushed it outside. Now the cat whined continuously as it went in and out the door.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty go in, Kitty go out, Kitty go in. Kitty go out. Kitty go in. Kitty go out.

It was only then that John collapsed and fell asleep.

TWO DAYS LATER

John Lackey rested on his couch and drank a beer while chowing on fried chicken.

"Honey look. A gift from John Henry...a cat."

John smiled and said, "well, I guess John Henry loves me after all.'

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"


THE END

Detective's Finest

"Hello?"

The knock on the door brought caution to the homeowners' face. She starred down the three quirky fellows dressed in what looked like 1940's detective suits bought from a thrift shop.

"Mam, do you know anything about baseball?"

The homeowner shook her head.

"Good. My name is Julio Lugo...detective Julio Lugo and this is my team J.D. Drew and Eric Gagne. We're Florida's finest detectives."

"Ow...this hurts." cried Drew who was rubbing his finger.

"Don't mind him. He's always in pain."

"OK...but I wasn't robbed of anything. That's the next street over."

Before she could react the three poured into her home. Three large boxes of powdered donuts were being slowly consumed by Detective Gagne who kept slamming into things knocking over items as he walked along and leaving foot prints of donut powder like a trail through the house.

"Don't mind Gagne, he can't see very well without his bottle glasses. "

"Really, I'm fine..." said Gagne.

She watched as a large vase crashed to the ground.

"What are you doing!"

"Just checking to see if your stolen property...ah...was in the vase, "said Gagne.

"You are getting powder from those blasted donuts all over my home."

"Mam, " shouted Gagne. "I am DUSTING for PRINTS."

"No you're eating the prints...now will you please leave. I have no need for detectives.'

Lugo invaded her space and moved in closer starring up at her.

"Mam, there has been a crime committed here. "

"Yes and I'm looking at it!" cried the homeowner.

Lugo turned towards his detectives.

"Gagne, did you check upstairs for the stolen property."

"What stolen property...I haven't been robbed...yet!" shouted the homeowner.

"Yup.' said Gagne spraying donut powder all over the walls as he talked. The fine film reflected against the sunlight of the room.

"Drew, did you check under the couch for the stolen property."

'Yup, "said Drew in between tears as he apparently sprained his neck starring under the couch. "Nothing here Lugo."

Lugo gave off an impression of utter frustration.

"Our best efforts for nothing. Well, I'm out of ideas, "said Lugo throwing his hands in the air.

"Enough... if you three do not leave the house I am calling the police."

"Mam, we are the police, "said Lugo before he grabbed another donut and started chowing on it. Lemon creme filling dripped down his face. Lugo wiped it up and smeared it on the wall.

"What are you doing!"

"I am making a crime scene. That's...like...ah...yellow tape you know."

"I have had enough. Get out! Get out!"

"Wait, "shouted Drew. " I found a knife in the kitchen and it has blood on it!"

"Ah ha!" shouted Lugo. "How did it get there."

"Oh, I forgot, I just cut myself on it. Wow does it hurt. Owww."

Lugo shook his head.

"That's it I am calling the police."

"I found it."

As the homeowner ran towards the phone, Gagne pulled on the vacuum cleaner cord which unfortunately was held so high in the air so the homeowner crashed right into it and fell hard on the floor.

"This ain't good, "said Gagne.

"Hey anyone got bandages, "cried Drew. "The more I try to stop the bleeding the more it seems to bleed. "

"Will someone call an ambulance. You idiots sprained my ankle."

"One minute mam. First we need to take this fingerprint powder and spray it over the house. We'll use your vacuum cleaner in reverse. In seconds we'll know who the culprit is!"

"NOOOOO"

Within a second a find mist of powder poured all over the house. As the dust cleared coughing could be heard everywhere. The three detectives waved their hands in the air trying to cope with the powder.

"Can anybody see any fingerprints!"

"Somebody open some windows.." shouted Gagne.

"Get the fan...I'll blow it out." shouted Drew.

Lugo grabbed a large fan spraying dust through the air.

"I know, I'll light a fire so we can see, "cried Drew.

"Are you an idiot, "screamed Lugo. "Use a propane torch. That'll generate light...and hurry."

Drew ignored the please of Lugo and soon a large fire poured through the house. Lugo, Drew and Gagne ran out of the house carrying the homeowner.

She got up and starred at the house.

"Stupid Drew...use a gas heater. I told you to use a gas heater. Now we have to figure out who burned the house down and sprained this woman's fine ankle."

Drew and Gagne sat there and munched on donuts.

"We should start in the basement. Could find a clue there." said Gagne spraying donut powder in the wind.

Lugo agreed. The homeowner just starred at them all and shook her head.

Mike Lowell and Ellen

Mike sat comfortably in his psychiatrist's office with a gleaming and heartfelt smile that he had not done in a long time. His doctor, who sat down on the chair, watched him intently,

"Mike, I haven't seen you this happy in a long time. Did you finally take my advice and take a vacation. "

Mike, who folded his hands together nodded and said, "you know after retiring from baseball and taking on a radio show -- I was just depressed but then something happened to me that changed everything."

"I can't wait to hear it."

"It all started simple enough. I was doing my radio show -- which I hated -- but it gave me something to do -- when out of the blue, this person calls up. I mean, so what right! Well, I hear her breathing on the phone. I could tell she was nervous and I kind of sighed. I got one word out of her though. Hi. "

Mike paused and smiled.

"That hi meant everything to me. I mean...I was almost in tears when I heard that."

Mike's psychiatrist nodded with a confused look on his face. "uh-hu, "he said.

"No really. This went on for a week. She would call in, sputter and stumble and then say hi. Every day my heart filled with happiness at that moment. I knew it was Ellen."

"Ellen? She just said...hi."

"Yup."

"Mike are you on any medication?"

"Come on, "laughed Mike. "This woman changed my life but it wasn't the hi that was it. It was the food. She's one hell of a cook."

"Oh, "said the doctor. "I see. "

"Ya, "said Mike who leaned back and starred into the memory of the first taste of her food. "

"One day she had enough courage to email me one of her favorite dishes. I tried it out and I gotta tell ya. When I took that first bite of her Meatloaf....I began to understand why life was so precious to me and why I needed to live it to the fullest."

Mike's psychiatrist leaned forward unable to speak. "OK, let me understand this right. You found the meaning of life...from meatloaf?"

"I like to call it Ellen-Loaf but ya, it changed me. When I first bit that meatloaf covered in worchester sauce, I just felt like Washington, the day he defeated the British and signed the peace treaty to end the Revolutionary War. It was that profound."

"Mike, are you sure we don't need to get you on some medication?"

Mike laughed and smiled with a gleam out of a toothpaste commercial.

"Come on...I'm fine but there's more. Lots more!"

"OK, "said the psychiatrist.

Mike leaned forward giddy with excitement.

"I felt lost after the end of my career. I felt really lost. I mean I wasn't Mike Lowell anymore. Baseball was my life but one call on the show from dear, sweet, loving Ellen who told me about a two for one sale with an online coupon at Sears on Polo Shirts...the tears that flowed down my face... you can't imagine the feeling I had. When she told me that, I knew I had to go on living. I knew I had a purpose in life. I mean, when Neal Armstrong stepped on the moon, until she told me about that coupon and special...I couldn't even imagine what Neal felt...now I do."

"Mike...are you insane!"

"I am not insane...come on. It was a special from Sears and let me tell you those shirts are so comfortable and I saved so much money. In addition I did it between the hours of 1:00 am and 3:00 am so I saved an additional 10%. It was like I got them for free but would I have had this happen were it not for loving, tender, warm Ellen -- I don't think so!"

"OK Mike, "said the doctor. "I really think a new regiment of medication will be very helpful to you at this point."

"Come on...oh did I tell you about what Ellen did for me."

"Must you?"

"Come on. Did you know that I needed a good heartwarming cry. I did and Ellen told me about this amazing show from the 60's. It's called Gilligan's..I cry every episode. This moving series about seven people trapped on an island...those poor people. If they would only kill Gilligan and...but they have such love for him. This series has such complexity and depth. It's so moving to me...what love and compassion they have for each other. It reminded me that friendship and love are what makes life worth living."

Mike's open tears dripped on his Sear's polo shirt but he didn't care. He grabbed a hankerchief that he got at Sears on the buy one get one free special...Ellen -- every time I wipe my eyes I think of you thought Mike.

"Mike, I'm going to schedule for Electro Shock Treatment but is there anything else."

"Ya, "cried Mike. "Ellen... she emailed me...she told me about season tickets for the Rays available at the Grocery store with purchase of fifteen boxes of Chex and twenty five boxes of Orville popcorn and fifty bottles of Excedrin and I got a free cowbell. I love her...Ellen is all that matters to me now..."

Mike wiped his eyes.

"Can we finish this later. I need to get home and make some Pork Fried Bacon Bits. I need to feel Ellen in my heart and that dish always...gets to me..."

'OK Mike, I'm going to call the men in white coats and you're going to go with them..."

Mike sighed and smiled.

"Have you ever tried a...Twinkie..."

The doctor silently called 911.

Mike picked up the phone. I have to call Ellen...tell her about my day. Mike waited and smiled as the phone rang.

"hello?"

"Ellen, Mike Lowell..."

'Mike...I'm at work now...can this wait?"

"I can't Ellen...I can't."

" Mike, you've got to learn to live on your own...without me! Stop this incessant calling!"

"Ellen...this is Mike Lowell...you're friend...you're..."

"Mike...get a hold of yourself. It's bad enough that Tim Wakefield calls me for physical exercise tips, Terry Francona needs my therapy, Theo Epstein needs my math help, John Henry needs my help on Calculus, David Ortiz needs my help on physical training, Adrian Gonsalez needs my help on religious matters, Jason Varitek needs help on affordable life insurance, Carl Crawford needs my help on self confidence and to top it all off, J.D. Drew keeps calling me on pain management. I've had enough. I only have so many hours in a day. I am not the Red Sox therapist!"

"Ellen..."

"No Mike..it's over. I can't take the time. Jonathan Papelbon really needs my help right now on discovering that the Smurfs are not real and that he has not been butt probed by aliens from Mars. That is consuming a lot of my time. It ain't easy!"

"OK Ellen but..."

"No butts Mike...ha no pun intended...anyway I have to go. I'm dealing with Ozzie of the White Sox and anger management lessons. So far I've gotten him to avoid burning down his house. I've got to go."

Mike hung up the phone and sighed.

"Ellen is the best!"

THE END

John Henry's Interview

John Henry gave an interview on WEEI and I can't believe that John could say what he said with a straight face. My little romp will not be written with a straight face. It is of course complete fiction.

Q: Do you think that Theo Epstein is the right man for the job after all these years.

John Henry:
Yes, yes I do. He may have nearly broke the finances of the club with incompetent moves but we support him 100% but you know, having said that, there is a shelf life to GM's. They can only take it for so long and we feel when Theo starts say...wearing gorilla suits...that may be time to have him depart. Fortunately he hasn't done that yet.

Larry Lucchino expressed:
Ya not forever. Ya that's the ticket. Those things are supposed to be like kept private and we have a policy of not discussing anything to anyone unless we know that somebody has permission to discuss something that you're not supposed to discuss. In fact, every year we get requests for people and things and stuff and we never discuss them or the people unless we're the people doing the discussing that we can't discuss about if that makes any sense which is OK since I never make any sense. Does that make sense?

NOTE: Lucchino also added this tidbit...that made no sense:

"A few years ago Theo got an offer from another team but we never discussed it because those things are secret -- which makes no sense of course since I'm discussing it with you now so I guess our policy doesn't make a lot of sense -- except for the people who won't discuss why it won't make sense to the people obeying the policy. Got all that?"

Q:
Epstein was candid last week when he said most, if not all, of his free agent signings were bad. Any comment?

John Henry:
Well...ah...you can't predict the future...that's a good answer right? I mean who could have known that J.D. Drew, for example, was a washed out has been with horrible problems at staying healthy -- which we knew about but ignored. Who could have known that Eric Gagne, after having surgery -- that was fully documented -- and that he was a disaster for the Rangers -- and that was fully documented -- would be a complete fiasco for us. Those things are just very confusing to me. Take Carl Crawford. According to his spray chart he was completely the wrong choice for Boston -- but why would that be a problem? I still can't figure that out? Or John Lackey. Everyone knew he was a disaster yet we got him anyway. I don't know why but Theo used these numbers and charts and I'm a sucker for flowcharts and graphs that make no especially when Theo puts all those nice colors on them. They are so pretty when he creates a gradient effect on the purple. I just can never say no. What can I say?

Lucciono added:
Not that we talk about such things with the public. I mean if Theo say wants to go to Chicago and stay there -- we're not going to say publicly like 'please do it for heaven's sake' because that's something that's private but if he were to go -- I'd be OK with that. Does that make sense? Hey, that actually does make sense.

NOTE: Then Lucciono just jumped in with his usual ramblings. My head started to hurt.

Lucciono: We're actively engaged in that search for a new manager. We're not sitting around twiddling our thumbs or playing video games like Grand Theft Auto -- which I just beat by the way," Lucchino said. "There's a lot to be done. Theo is actively engaged day to day in that search sometimes working over an hour. We just had a meeting with him the other day going through a list of candidates, possibilities. That process is moving ahead. It's not going to happen overnight. Maybe it will never happen. We're not sure. Maybe Rosanne might be the next manager...again that's not something we're going to talk about. I will say that there is nothing to say. I am knee-deep in that thinking."

NOTE: Then It was all about conditioning:

John Henry:
This is the second straight year that on Aug. 1 we looked great and looked like we were headed for a potential World Series, and the second straight year that the team broke down physically," Henry said. "Maybe allowing beer in the clubhouse, maybe letting J.D. Drew be morale officer or perhaps unlimited donuts and coffee...I have NO idea. "

Q: Is it conditioning?

Luccino:

It's certainly an issue that's important to us, physical conditioning," Lucchino said. "I for one don't do it and am overweight with a heart problem but I won't talk about that right now since that's private and only discussed..."

Oh will you shut up, "screamed Henry:

Q: What about drinking in the clubhouse.

John Henry:

Zero tolerance. The last thing we need is to have beer parties in the clubhouse...although I have to admit, John Lackey can't hold his alcohol especially during the strip poker games he and I play...ah...can we talk about something else.

That's it folks!

John Henry Says Fan Alienation Number One Goal!

John Henry, principle owner of the Boston Red Sox, has stated today on a tweet he sent while cheering for the New York Yankees wearing a Yankee uniform -- that's right a Yankee uniform -- that the number one goal of rebuilding the Red Sox is to alienate the fans and he promises that he will do everything in his power to do so.

So far the strategy has worked. Fans boiled over the mishandling of the firing of Terry Francona which John called a work of genius. "I really liked it how I didn't show up or respond but instead watched a soccer game. I think a lot of fans appreciated my efforts. It was lots of fun when my wife sent that Twit as well. You know its not easy being a total ass. It takes effort."

Today everyone was expecting the Sox to fire third base coach Tim Bogar who really struggled in the position but instead fired life long fan and first base coach Ron Johnson. "It makes no sense if you want to rebuild a team, "said John Henry, "which is why we're proud of our efforts and let fans know that our incompetence will continue so they need not worry. I'm making no promises but I see the Sox in last place. It's not a guarantee and I hope fans won't be too disappointed if we fail because we tried our best. "

Today the Cubs requested to speak with Theo Epstein. The Sox have been incredibly silent. "I realize not saying anything makes us sound like idiots which is why we're doing it. We have to rebuild this team. I've already offered contract extensions to Dice-K and John Lackey while trying to dump dead weight like Jacobe Ellsbury and Daniel Bard. It's the 100th anniversary of the Red Sox and I plan to celebrate it in style. We're even working to create a run down atmosphere at Fenway so fans can relive memories of the 1974 Red Sox or the 1978 Red Sox. We're even running non-stop the last inning of game 6 of the 1986 World Series on NESN so that Sox fans will be reminded what makes the Red Sox great!

John Henry says he will continue to be a total [#$#$] and plans to continue his winning ways until every single fan in New England refuses to see a Red Sox game.

"I'd love to talk more but I'm attending tonight's Yankee game. I plan to attend all the Yankee games and root for the best team in baseball. I don't think that will upset fans too much but if they are I know I'm doing my job!"

Wanted: New Supervillan Manager

John Henry arranged the TV remote on his desk in such a way that it satisfied his demeanor. He rubbed his neck and tapped the fingers on his desk. Theo Epstein had gathered together several candidates for the new manager position. Theo assured him they were hard lined. Theo assured him they came highly recommended. Theo assured him they were safe choices.

"May I come in!"

He had a giggly laugh and a lanky build. What caught John the most though was his dark green skin, not too far off from the Fenway Park color. No, even more than that, his brain, three times the size of a normal brain almost sent John running out of the office.

"Ah, welcome...sit down."

"Gladly Mr. Henry. May I say you have chosen your new leader. Get it -- Leader???"

He laughed like a madman as a sudden burst of lightening jostled John from his chair.

"Did you do that?"

"Of course. With my brain I can control the world...but first I must defeat the my arch nemesis the Incredible Hulk. Only then can the Leader -- get it -- the LEADER can rule the world."

John sighed.

"OK while I do appreciate the fact that you have the Fenway Park color..."

"Gamma radiation you know."

"And you have a brain three times the size of mine..."

"Ditto..."

"But you are utterly insane and the idea of the Incredible Hulk learning of the 'Green Monster'... no thank you. It was bad enough when David Ortiz thought Jason Gabbard..."

"It's KASON. When are you gonna get it right!"

"Anyway, David thought he heard Jason, as in Jason from Friday the 13th and got out his rocket launcher..."

"KASON...you're doing this on purpose!"

"Anyway, David sent a rocket into the left field wall. It was then I had to put a ban on rocket launchers in the locker room. No thank you."

John quickly threw the Leader out of his office and sat down again. He took a breath of air.

"So you turned down the Leader!"

He walked in with a green cloak and a metallic costume and sat down bearing his evil eyes down at John.

"Dr..."
"Doom...yes the greatest enemy of the Fantastic Four. I am, a genius, far superior to that Leader. It was I who defeated the Fantastic Four many a times..."

"And took down half of New York City."

"A necessary inconvenience. Pity, I never got to see Cats."

"And you want to be the next manager of the Red Sox."

"Only to lure the Fantastic Four into my deadly Apotacary of Doom however I assure you a new World Series title as well. Any player refusing to work with Dr. Doom will meet his fate at the hands of my bionic armor which will turn their bodies into..."

"OK thanks for coming in and all. Nice costume, like the armor and I will consider your offer."

"I rule Lavertia and soon I will rule the world. Consider well because..."

"OK well good luck with world takeover. Have a good day Dr. Doom. Yes we'll talk soon!"

John stopped shaking his body and sat down again trying to feel his heart and wonder if it was still beating.

John reeled back against the wall as a four armed being came into the room. The arms were mechanical and extended to the seat where he placed himself down.

"Dr. Otto Octavious...but you know me better as Dr. Octopus...who would be leader of the world if not for the likes of Spiderman."

"Oh God."

"Hire me John Henry and I will show them the price for failure. Your John Lackey will find his head amputated..."

"OK I think we've got all we need to know and besides I saw Spiderman flying through Boston taunting you or...something"

"SPIDERMAN...my enemy, the doom of my existence. His mocking and taunting tone...I shall destroy him with my bionic armor."

Before John could react he endured the blowing wind past his face as Doc Ock smashed the window and began hurdling through the buildings in chase.

"This is not good."

John sat down and made a call.

"Theo...no I do not like the idea of supervillains...yes i know they are hard lined but...yes I get the green color but don't send in the Green Goblin OK!"

John slammed the phone down.
"Green Goblin and Dr. Oct defeating Spiderman...I am not in the superhero business!"

Before John could react his entire window was once again its former self. John took a breath and sat down again.

"Call me the Mandarin. I and my power rings will change the world...and I am green in color like the fear from those who face me must face when they face the likes of the Mandarin. I, Iron Man's greatest enemy, will face my wrath and bear the weight of doom, true doom..."

"Could you run through that again because I have no idea what you just said. Is that monologing?"

John then saw a parade of costumes pouring into his office.

"Excuse me but the Red Skull..."

"Must move aside for the KingPin..."

"All of you move aside for Lex Luthor..."

"Oh..#$#$#$" said John.


THE END

Tito's dream

Tito's night of restlessness ended in a hotel room as he starred at the wall. The room was empty and quiet with only the hum of the heater in the background. Tito felt the large hole in his stomach grow larger as the clock ticked on. He rested against the pillow and drifted off to sleep.

...

Tito rolled around and felt the grass rub against his body. The grass stains were all over his shirt. The sun was bright in his eyes and he heard the jostling of a man on a boat in the background cursing away.

"You coming or what?"

Tito rubbed his eyes until he clearly saw the figure on the boat dressed in a light t-shirt and jeans gathering up the ropes that held the boat to the shoreline. Tito got up and walked closer to the boat watching the man wave him onward.

"I ain't got all day. Gee, don't you fired managers get it. I ain't got all day!"

Tito rolled his eyes and stepped on the boat. He felt slightly disjointed from the small waves that rocked the boat. The smell of salt water covered his nose. He rubbed his eyes and sat down starring at the fishing equipment.

"You can't catch fish at 3:00 in the afternoon you know. Man didn't they teach you anything in life!"

Tito rubbed his forehead and adjusted himself. He watched the man start the engine and drive the boat into the blue open water. The sea stretched in all directions with a glowing sun in the background. It made the colors of the water sparkle like diamonds. He smelled the spray of salt as the water struck his face on occasion. Tito wondered where it was going. The event felt like a parallel to his own life.

"You don't say much do you."

Tito shook his head tapping his fingers on the rim of the boat. The spray continued but he didn't feel nausea like he normally does on a boat.

"Not everyone gets to fish with me you know. I'm particular and I don't put up with losers."

Tito turned towards the man.

"After all this time you spend eternity fishing and you're still complaining!"

"That's just who I am Tito. Accept it or I throw you off the boat. Want some butter baked bread?"

"You sound like a bread commercial!" said Tito well aware of this man's history. Somehow he looked larger than life at this moment, a strong figure not reflective of his last days on earth. He was young and vibrant and energetic.

"Just trying to be generous. Nothing I can stand is a rude host. Now stop tapping the bow of the boat. It's annoying."

Tito moved his hands toward himself as the boat came to a stop. The water was so calm it looked like a blanket. The warm air blew past Tito's face. He felt his blood pressure go down about 14 points.

"You looked tired Tito. Sure you don't want some New England bread?"
"No."
"Beer?"
"No."
"Whiskey?"
"No."
"Well is there anything I can offer you because I'm damn tired of being so kind and generous when you're not responding!"

Tito chuckled and leaned back. He let the sun cover his eyes.

"Just let me relax OK."

"How can you relax, "said the man who threw his fishing line in the water. "Damn Red Sox and damn organization fired such a great man before his time. "

Tito leaned his head forward and watched the sun shine off of the man's body.

"Is that a compliment."

"I just know how you feel, "said the man raising his voice and waving his hands in front of him.

"When you're doing great, oh they love you but when you screw up they hate you. I won't tip my hat to anyone like that and I stand behind that decision."

"Right, "said Tito finally chewing on some of the bread. The sweetness of the bread calmed him down as he munched on its soft textures.

"Personally, you got railroaded. John Henry and everyone else. Nope, I say to heck with them. You move on and stand tall with your chin in the air. "

"Trying you know."

The man sat down and leaned in.

"Baseball today...it's not back then. Back then you earned your pay. Today you get paid these bloated salaries and you sit around and think you're so great. No, the Sox ain't the Red Sox of old. That was baseball. Today its money and statistics and profits and cash flow. Greed. Not like back then. "

Tito nodded and felt an agreement but also knew that his salary would make him comfortable for life. That was nothing to complain about at all.

"You know Tito, I respect you. You're too soft and too squishy for me. I'll tell ya that but I respect you. I'll miss watching the games...not that I do it often mind you. I'd rather spend my eternity fishing. That's just me. "

The man leaned back and sighed and starred at the sun.

"This is so much better than being alive. You have no aches, no tears, no pains and no complaints. I like it and I like the fishing. "

Tito refused to make eye contact and turned his head towards the open sea.

"It hurts to be fired Tito. It never gets easy. It will never be easy but just know that that is life which is why I'm damn happy to be through with it. Up here in heaven, you're treated with respect and dignity and are loved at all times. I gotta tell ya its made me a damn humble and gentle man. I'm not like the ballplayer that refused to tip his hat to the crowd at Fenway. Today, I'd even consider doing it. That's how much I've changed. "

Tito watched no reaction from the man but found a smile in himself and let it out. He found it funny and watched the befuddled legend look at him confused.

"You know Ted, I gotta tell ya, I really still want to be in Boston. As hard as it was, I miss it. I will always miss it."

"No ya won't. Once you start with another club and get going you'll forget all about Boston. Sure the fans will cheer ya once you step into that stadium but otherwise you'll have moved on. Come on and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're loved and you brought the Red Sox two World Series -- and they still fired you. "

Tito laughed and grabbed more bread before grabbing a bear and tasting the warm sweet taste of the drink.

"Now that's more like it. See, ya moved on and human memory is a great thing. Once you do something new the pain goes away. "

Tito watched Ted pull in the line and then stretch in the sun.

"OK, time to head back. I got other things to do besides fishing ya know. For one thing, I need a nap."

"Well Mr. Williams, thank you for the time. I do feel a lot better."

Ted smiled for the first time and got the engine started.

"That's what I'm here for. Call me a baseball angel and a damn nice one at that."

Tito watched the boat drift towards land and felt sleep overcome him. He rested against the bow of the boat and listened to the sounds of the day before resting for the night.

THE END or a new beginning

In Memory of Terry Francona the manager.

Theo Epstein's Health Bar

Good Evening. I'm Theo Epstein. Are you looking to get away from life for a while. I know the stress I feel of taking complaints over such fine choices as J.D. Drew, Dice-K, Julio Lugo, losing Justin Masterson, Eric Gagne, Carl Crawford, Bobby Jenks, Morales, Wheeler, well just about the entire team, I like to get away a while and relax. Well, look no further than the Theo Epstein health bar. Come with me as we take a tour.

Kitchen
First, let's check out the health food kitchen. My mouth is watering already...then again so are my feet...hmmm, must be a leak. Anyway, ignore the large river of water in the kitchen. The point is that pizza, chicken nuggets, fried potatoes, potato chips, and my favorite -- a triple fudge sundae with whipped topping and creamed pig fat...mmmm. Now that's health food. After three servings of this. I'm so full right now I'm ready to burn it off with exercise. Come with me to the gym.

Gym
First let's unlock the door to exercise. Yes, let's unlock the door. All we have to do...is get...this...door...unlocked. Dammit why isn't it opening. Perhaps this sledge hammer will help.
(bang)
(bang)
(bang)
Whew, I'm already burning up a sweat. The sledge hammer would work better if the hammer head didn't fly off on the first swing. Never...ah...it opened.
What a spacious gym with shiny new wood floor...oh I see its not...dry...yet. No...matter...ah just one corner wasn't dry. Now let's get a ball and drop it into the basket.
(thump)
I see the basketballs aren't quite inflated yet. No matter. I can still toss one in the basket...there...oh for heaven's sake. How did the ball go through the damn wall. Who in heck designed this place! Oh, right, it was me.

The Sauna
Well, no matter. We cna then relax and cheer ourselves up at the old sauna. Whew, it's steamy in here. I sit down...Ow...stupid splinters. Ow, nails...ow, wood chips...dammit the sauna's on fire. I told them not to use gasoline to clean the wood...but did they listen! Hey, its locked. The door's stuck...HELP!

The Hot Tub.
After all that there is nothing like a warm hot tub, so now we relax and take in the warm hot...water...that's really hot...why does it smell so bad. Oh the phone is ringing. I get it from the wall.
(thunk)
You know a phone that crashes on your foot can really create a severe amount of pain. I think I'll answer the phone later...but first, let's ignore the hot tub. Let's hit the olympic sized pool! AHHHH
(thunk)
OK, who forgot to add water to the pool!

The Relaxation Room
After all that there is nothing like a comfortable room...why is all the furniture off to the side of the wall...ahhh.
(thunk)
I see somebody forgot to level the floor. So...relaxing...oh no the ceiling....



Join now the Theo Epstein Health bar and you'll get 30% membership prices. Hurry though as this is a limited time offer as the building is about to collapse.

September

September 1st at the press conference of Terry Francona.

"No, we're excited. We're in first place and we're doing very, very, well. I...I don't see any problems in the future. October is on the way."

"What, pitching, John Lackey, Matt Albers, no we're fine. I'm sure Lackey and Albers will be fine. I mean everybody else is doing good. "

September 5th at the press conference of Terry Francona.

"Ya, we're having some problems but nothing to worry about. We'll turn it around. We always do. Nothing to worry about.

"What, pitching, the entire starting rotation, no we're fine so far. We have a great bullpen that can fill in the slack while our entire starting rotation caves and goes down the sewer."

September 12th at the press conference of Terry Francona.

"Ya, we're having some worries here but nothing really to worry about...much. We'll turn it around. We always do...we're...mostly confident.

"What, pitching, the entire staff, .ya...it's showing some wear and tear but you know, I'm not worried. I'm completely confident our entire pitching staff will fix things because if they don't then I don't know what to do...but ya...actually I am worried...but not much. "

September 17th at the press conference of Terry Francona.

"OK this is getting serious. We can't hit, we can't pitching and we can't win games but we're...kind of confident in a sort of defeated -- going home early -- sort of way.

"What...animal sacrifices...I've heard rumors but really nothing...oh the lamb that's been blessed by the God Isis...well, he's my pet...ya...lamb."

September 20th at the press conference of Terry Francona.

"Ah, ya we've tried animal sacrifices...rumors...all rumors..."

"Ya, I would say we're getting desperate...ya, you can say that but I just want to say that Josh is confident what the problem is with the entire pitching staff. "

(Heidi Whatney screams and runs past Tito chased after by Josh Beckett carrying a club.)

"Heidi, we're just trying to contact Jupiter in hopes that he can lead us to some vestal virgins. "

(Both run through the room)

"You didn't hear that right?"

September 22nd at the press conference of Terry Francona.

"Ah, no all these crazy rumors...nope...none. "

"Ya, I would say we're getting desperate...ya, you can say that but I just want to say that Josh is confident what the problem is with the entire organization. "


Josh runs through the room.

"Sorry... no big deal."


"He's just...kidding...around. I've gotta go."

September 23rd at the press conference of Terry Francona.

?????

Red Sox New News

Things are not going well for the Red Sox. This is something that is on everyone's mind. John Henry especially felt the urge today despite the fact that I begged him to not talk to me.

"Today I have to have a colonoscopy. I'm really nervous. Have you read the form? I mean have you read the form!"

We Put the Fun in Colonoscopy!!!!

"Getting ready for the procedure takes much longer that you expect. According to one study, 16.5 hours, on average — than the actual time you’ll spend at a medical center the day of your colonoscopy. Preparing for a colonoscopy may be uncomfortable and time-consuming, but it needn’t be an ordeal. Actually it can be fun if you take the time to prepare yourself and have a serious fetish for the toilet (optional). Here are some things you can do to help it go as smoothly and comfortably as possible:

• Wear loose clothing...preferably a Moo-moo (nothing to do with cows). Stay near the bathroom. Better yet, once the preparation starts to work, stay in the bathroom — because when the urge hits, it’s hard to hold back. Consider setting up shop near the toilet with music, your laptop, shotgun or an automatic weapon (if you can't take it anymore), or better yet magazines, or books on colonoscopy treatments (preferably with photos).
• 
  You might also want to consider bringing in a mistress of mister depending on the situation -- preferably someone with a fetish for this situation. Following these simple tips can make your appointment both rewarding and satisfying and then you can flush those memories down the drain. Get it!
  

John also added that after reading this he felt that players such as John Lackey, J.D. Drew and Bobby Jenks were well deserving of a similar treatment. He felt that David Ortiz should receive two or three treatments as a bonus as it may change his attitude towards base running -- or strolling through the park as he calls it. He would even pay for Manny Ramirez's and Julio Lugo and offered me a treatment. I declined and ran away at high speed.


On other News, Tito Francona said that he was very excited about the team's future and felt that the month of September was the best yet for the team. Francona also added that LSD goes a long way in tough times.

David Ortiz stated that Alfredo Aceves should be a starter. Theo Epstein added that once David Ortiz knows how to run the bases he can consider managing the team. Until then run out ground balls, don't make stupid base running mistakes and stop looking like Rosanne on the basepaths.


Wow, things are getting tough in Boston! Until next time!

Red Sox News

Hello Red Sox fans. More news from around the world.

Manny and the Phone
Manny Ramirez is burning through his entire fortune in exhaustive phone calls to find someone who supports him. The latest batch didn't work out very well.



"What? Are you sure a big shot like yourself didn't create that TV series. I just figured you being so full of yourself....No! Look I'm sorry OK. I have no idea you didn't write the TV series Kung Fu. Like I said, let's move on here OK...but really are you sure you didn't do some technical advisement you know you people are good with fights and stuff? Hello?"


"Man I can't believe I offended the Dalai Lama. Thought he was supposed to be humble. "


"Ya, Manny Ramirez, all right. You think I'm cool. That's cool...hey are you related to Homer Simpson on the Simpsons since you two have the same last name...hello...hello.


"I can't believe I offended O.J. Simpson...this is depressing."


"Hello, ya, look I never said you were a crappy actor even though you are but that has nothing to do with what I'm calling about. Ya...hello!"


"Al Pachino...what a loser!"

I'm Bret!

Daniel's Denial
Daniel Bard praises the Red Sox and the support he received after the game. Daniel takes it in stride as he hung from Fisk Pole by his underwear most of the night while the team set his car on fire. Daniel had this to say in a very high squeaky voice.

"I...love the Red Sox....they are so nice to me..."

I'm Bret.

Fake Injuries

Thanks to an inside report, apparently all the so-called injuries on the Red Sox have to do with Debby the Hitwoman.

Bobby Jenks
I was new and wanted to fit in. Sox have a strange way of welcoming new people.

Dice-K
The entire team sort of cheered when we heard the ripping sound from my shoulder...I don't like the Red Sox no more.

Matt Albers
You know the team keeps trying to get me to see Debby but I've heard some stories man and right now I'm pitching at my peak so I don't want to risk it.


Jacobe
It was Scott Boras's idea. He said if I was crippled last year then this year if I tried at all I'll be drowning in money because this was the last year of my contract or something. I never understand this hard stuff. So Adrian and I faked a collision and when my rib healed Debby took care of it again with a sledgehammer. You're not gonna tell anyone this are you?


No problem Jacobe, you're secret it safe with me.

News from Red Sox Nation

This is Bert from Red Sox nation. We're on top of things so you don't have to be. We're here to give you the news that counts.

Manny Gets Busted
Manny Ramirez has stated that a ton of friends are there for him to support him through his recent arrest in Florida.

"Well, I contacted Kevin Youkilis and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I slugged him in the back of the head. Ya, he's very unforgiving unlike myself. "

"Well, then I contacted Tito Francona and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I wouldn't play because of my bad left (or right) knee. He's also very unforgiving. Not like I could remember which one it was.

"Well, I contacted Joe Torre and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I failed a steroid test and whined and complained a lot and told him to [bleep] himself. That was very unprofessional of him...unlike myself of course. "

"Well, I then contacted Joe Madden and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I failed a steroid test and told him to [bleep] himself and then I quit. He's not very forgiving and that confuses me. "

"Well, then I contacted our loving Red Sox press manager. He told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I shoved him to the ground for a ticket issue. That was very upsetting to me so naturally I told him to [bleep] himself and told him the next time we meet I'll do more than a shove. I felt better but then I forgave myself for that transgression. I'm very forgiving. "

"Well, then I contacted Tim Wakefield and he told me to [bleep] himself. I think we were doing OK until I told him that his pitching [bleep] and I guess if you stick around long enough even someone with your talent can will 200. That didn't go over to well. "

This is Bert.

Denial is Healthy
Daniel Bard, who blew two critical games for the Red Sox is in complete denial and proud of it.

"I'm in complete denial. We lost despite my great pitching. It was all the moon's fault. Its aura is affecting my fastball. Just my opinion."

Daniel, who was once the next Jonathan Papelbon didn't admit to exhaustion or being overused. Instead he talked about reincarnation.

"I once dreamed I was Julian the Emperor of Rome fighting the Persians in a great battle that I eventually lost and got killed in and that told me I was once Julian the Roman Emperor. That doesn't like make me insane does it?"

Of course not. I'm Bert.

Tim Wakefield Gets 200 Wins
After trying eight or so times Tim Wakefield finally beat the Blue Jays to give the Red Sox the only win in what seems like years. Tim, who is really the greatest guy you will ever meet had this to say.

"So here I am celebrating and Manny Ramirez calls me all and tells me to [bleep] myself. Talk about a way to ruin an evening. "

I'm Bert.

What the Sox are thinking

SETTING:
The Bench of the Red Sox on Sunday after being destroyed by the Tampa Bay Rays. We are about to hear each and every thought of several Red Sox players in reaction to said game.


Tim Wakefield.
Matt Albers gave up another Grand Slam. Tito is on a mission to prove that Matt Albers is the Red Sox greatest pitcher despite reality. Will it take fifteen grand slams, a few hit batters and twenty five walks in a row before Tito sees reality? Albers is getting close to all of those goals and Tito is not gonna give up until Matt hits them all and then he'll probably sign with the Mets. They'll take anyone.

Adrian Gonsalez
I accepted a multi-million dollar contract -- for this? I bust my ass off for this? I could have accepted a multi-million dollar contract with the Mets. At least everyone knows the teams sticks. Hm, did they go bankrupt?

Carl Crawford
I can't believe this. I accept a multi-million dollar contract -- for this? This is a World Championship team? This team is crap. Ah, I should have stuck with the Mets. At least everyone knows the team stinks.

John Papelbon
And they wonder why I want out of Boston. I can smell the money and the championships coming. Forget the Yankees. Ya, when I sign with the New York Mets...watch out!

Jacobe Ellsbury
Man, glad I'm having a good season. Scott keeps telling me to keep my options open -- and do I ever want to do that now. I can see myself signing with the Mets. Now that's the team to beat! Ya, tons of money and ya don't even have to play well.

Jason Varitek
Doug Mirabelli -- he was the lucky one. He doesn't have to sit here and endure this. This is about the worst team in the league right now. Night after night of this...ah, I should have signed with the Mets.

Josh Beckett
[bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]

Tito Francona
I wonder if the Mets will sign me to a long term contract...after I prove that Matt Albers is the greatest pitcher of all time. He just needs more time. Ya, more time. Anyway, time for a nap.
zzzzzz


Mark Scutaro
Boy do I miss the Blue Jays. Things were great when I was playing with them. Ya know, next time I see myself as a Met...and I have no idea why I'm thinking Mets? Glad none of my other team mates are this stupid.

Daniel Bard
Now even I can't pitch well. What's wrong with me. It's like some sort of curse? I have to get out of this organization. Maybe the Mets will sign me in the morning.

Tito Francona
A grand slam by Albers. Wow, no matter what I try it isn't working. Now I have to walk out there and replace him. Unfortunately all I have are Felix and Dan Wheeler. Ya...oh boy time for a nap.zzzzzzzzzz. Mets...zzzzzzzzzzzz....Mets....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

J.D. Drew
Everything hurts. My finger, back, head, nose. If only I had signed with the Mets...things would have been different. Ya, the Mets.

Kevin Youkilis
[bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]

Fat Albert

(sung to the Fat Albert theme song)

Hey hey hey, it's FAT ALBERT...
And I'm gonna sing a song or two...
And Tito's gonna teach ya a thing or two.

"Hey that's not funny guys...I am NOT FAT"

We'll have some good times will Tito and all the gang,
learning from each other,
while we do our thing.

"Hey, this isn't funny guys...I am Albers...NOT ALBERT"

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time...HEY HEY HEY'

"Hey, not funny. I am not fat...ah, can someone pass me the double order of fries."

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!

(Setting...a junkyard)

Hey everyone, Tito Francona here. "Fat Albert and the gang's gonna play a baseball game today but the gang's gonna soon learn that just because you love the game, don't mean you have a clue how to play it."

(Setting...the Fat Albert gang walking to the ball field.)

"Hey, I am not Fat guys...that's so not fair." shouted Fat Albert

"Albert, you're like a broken record!" snorted Fat Papi

"What's a record?"

"Can't even do a Fat Albert joke if ya don't know what a record is because when it gets scratched it always says the same thing but you can't know that because you don't know what a record is!" shouted Fat Papi.

"Hey, did you eat all my double chocolate candy bars with caramel!"

"Papi, you're like a dead car...you never get started...ah that don't make sense, "said Theo Epstein.

"Ow, man I hate nails. I got another injury to my barefoot foot because that stupid nail went in it. Why do I always get nails in my foot when I don't wear shoes."shouted Drew.

"Drew, you like a carpenter!"

"What, I'm always getting nailed?"

"That's what I hate about you Drew...you always spoil the stupid Fat Albert jokes!" shouted Mark ScatterThrow.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah..."

"I am so sick of Dice-K...always blah, blah, blah.!" shouted Drew.

"He's talking Japanese Dumb Drew." shouted Jason Varitek.

"Hey, ain't ya supposed to do a Fat Albert Joke?" shouted Morales.

"Ah, I can't think of one...I know...Drew you're like a carpenter...always getting screwed!"

"Hey we already said that joke sat Youk and it wasn't funny the first time..."

(Setting a junkyard).

"Ya know, I can't believe anybody actually finds any of this funny."

(Scene... ball field)

"OK, let's play some ball. Timmy...you start."

"Timmy, he's nothing but a fist."

"Hu?"

"You know he knuckles under?"

"Lackey stick to your day job of being a road..."

"Hu?"

"Yah, ya always getting run over!" shouted Jon Lester.

"Hey...are we going to [bleep] [bleep][bleep] a [bleep]..."said Beckett.

"Beckett, you're like a bad 70's TV show...always getting bleeped."

"Hey are we gonna get this game started or do I need to contact Scott Boras and tell him my contract's run out, "shouted Papelbon.

"I don't get it, "said Morales. "I throw strikes...that's what I do but you Papelbon are a Bionic Woman episode...you're always getting cancelled."

(setting...a junk yard)

"OK, it's obvious that they're not going to start a game because they're too busy with stupid one-liners and totally retarded jokes that don't even make any sense. How this show lasted over 10 years on the air, I'll never understand. "


(Setting Ball field)

"Tito, you're like the Emergency Broadcast System...you're always interrupting us."

"You know, if we played the game...instead of telling these stupid jokes...we might have more fun, "said Dustin Pedroia.

"Hey, I got one, "said Carl Crawford. "These three blondes are in a restaurant and they like get a puzzle and they say it took them two days and that made them very happy but the problem was that the puzzle said '3 - 5 years.' Get it."

"Carl, you're like an automatic out with a big paycheck...ah I don't get it, "said Drew.

(Setting...junk yard.)

"OK, so today the gang learned that cracking one liners is different than playing the game of baseball where its all a big joke and...ah roll the [bleeping] credits..."

Na, na. na, gonna have a good time...with Fat Albert

"Hey when do we ever have a good time with Albert. He's always blowing games!"

"Oh real funny guys...ha, ha, you're like ah...ah...ah... " said Fat Albert

Na, na. na, gonna have a good time!!!!