It's finally over

Normally, I write humor, but today I just want to soak in the moment of a Red Sox World Series win. 

The 2013 World Series Red Sox will not be characterized by high paid free agents, big contracts or superstars.  Instead they were a scruffy, scrappy, and tenacious group of men who wanted it bad enough to overcome the odds. 

They had:

Beaten the Division:
Beaten the Tampa Bay Rays:
Beaten the Detroit Tigers:
Beaten the St. Louis Cardinals:

The playoffs today promise a vicious cycle of competition and exhaustion as you face obstacle after obstacle.  This was not an easy run.  Shane Victorino was always playing hurt.  David Ross and Salty were pretty banged up by the end and certainly everyone on the team was exhausted.  Yet, they played with their hearts and heads, made mistakes and battled everything.  There were no single superstars although the Boston Red Sox closer Koji Uehara might be in that light -- despite the fact he's 38.  David Ortiz had a monster year despite being up there in years himself.  John Lackey was tough despite overcoming Tommy John surgery.  John Lester finally found his stride after battling himself half the year.  The list goes on and on but the point is this -- The Boston Red Sox proved you don't need ridiculous free agent contracts to get a good team together -- you just need a team.

Bobby Valentine Enjoys Construction Traffic As Way To Pass Time!!!

Bobby Valentine may not have much to do these days after being fired from the Red Sox but he says he literally is going a different direction these days -- road construction.

Bobby:
I get my greatest joy from driving through construction zones.  I now go out of my way to see them.  I'm traveling all 50 states just to get into traffic jams.  I enjoy starring at the cars, the license plates, the grass, the road...I mean that is living and seeing those hard working construction workers hanging around chatting and just having good times is just an added bonus.

Bobby also commented that a big part of his day is when the shift changes. 

Bobby:
Shift changes are great. You have the morning shift.  There they are in the warm sun drinking water and...well I never actually see them doing anything.

Actually they just stand around chatting.  Oh, it's fun to see them all having a good time.

Bobby:
Then you have the afternoon shift.  They look awfully tired as you can see here from all that chatting.  It's a tough job.  I'm sure they are getting to their job...but you know the hot sun.

Bobby:
Then you have the evening shift.  That's usually when they get together and stand around some more.  You can tell the different shifts by looking at your clock.  Morning shift is 8 - 10 am.  Day shift is 10am - 12:00 pm and afternoon shift is 12:00 pm to 2:00 pm before they call it a day after a hard day's chatting.  It's great and the best part is the traffic moves so slowly you really have a lot of time to hang around and enjoy the weather.  I often talk to people on the road as they wait in traffic for hours at a time.  Man some people have the wrong attitude.  Construction zones are awesome.  Heck where else can you turn a two hour drive into fifteen right!

I'm Joe Derive

Andrew Bailey -- don't worry, I'm still getting paid

In a press conference today, Andrew Bailey wanted to ensure worried Red Sox fans that he is still getting paid and will continue to do so no matter what.

"Even when -- not if -- I get injured or when I provide up the inevitable bone-crushing loss for the team, the team is still paying me a boatload of money so fans need not worry that I'm not seeing green each week."

Bailey also wanted to ensure fans he'll still pitch despite his struggles.

"Since I have a contract they have no choice but to watch me blow more games and give up runs.  It does break my heart to see children crying in their parent's arms after a ninth inning loss, but thanks to my paycheck I can go out and buy a new Ford Excursion with built in GPS and climate control and get my mind off of those things."

Bailey also wanted fans to know he'll continue to find his form again.

"Barring the inevitable injury -- heck I'm not Brittle Bailey for nothin', I plan to keep on throwing the ball directly over the fat part of the plate.  At some point somebody is not going to hit a home run and swing and miss.  It's going to take time but it will happen.  In the mean time, fans of opposing teams can enjoy the fact that I am giving up more home runs than the number of tears on a child's face when I blow a game."

Asked what he will do when his contract expires.

"Well, that of course is a worry.  I've gotten used to private jets, penthouses, multiple homes, luxury cars, private vacations in Paris and so forth but I'm confident that during the last month of my contract I'm return to form so that a team like the Dodgers will pick up my contract so that I continue to get paid otherwise that new Mercedes might have to sit in the showroom and then I will be the one that's crying...oh I can't even think of that...too terrifying. "

I'm Joe Derive

Papelbon to return to Sox...for a few prospects and players...BIG TRADE

In a Blockbuster trade with cash considerations, the Red Sox have one of the best closers in the game in Jonathan Papelbon.  The trade isn't without some reservations but Ben Cherington of the Red Sox had this to say:

'We were thrilled to have one of the greatest closers in the game back in the fold.  Yes there were some small sacrifices to be made and perhaps giving away the entire Pawtucket Red Sox organization might have been hasty but it was worth it.'

Cherington, who has been struggling to get a closer to replace Papelbon is pleased with the situation.  The situation is also exciting Phillies fans.

"I can't believe the Sox were this stupid.  Wow, they can have Cliff Lee at any time."

Still many Boston fans have reservations as well.   Here is the deal as signed today.

The Red Sox will pick up the entire contract of Jonathan Papelbon with a fifty million dollar raise as well making his salary one hundred million per year.  In order to get the all star, the Sox gave up the following players:

 DH - David Ortiz
P - Clay Bucholtz
P - Jon Lester
P - Felix Dubront
P - John Lackey (Sox will pay the remaining salary of the contract)
P - Brian Dempster
2B - Dustin Pedroia
CF - Jacobe Ellsbury
3B - Will Middlebrooks
Manager -  John Farrell
P - Andrew Miller
The entire Pawtucket Red Sox team minus Daniel Bard. 
NESN broadcasting network

All salaries will be picked up by the Boston Red Sox. While many fans are stunned at the somewhat lopsided trade, threatening to burn their season tickets, Ben Cherington had this to say.

"Daniel Bard is clearly a top starter and will have plenty of opportunities to work out his control issues since he'll have to pitch every day of the week now.  He's so smart, he'll figure it out and we're excited to be building a great winning team around him.  
 For now though fans can rest easy that on the very rare occasions where we will be winning a game, we will not lose that game as Jonathan Papelbon will be our closer and since we are low on pitchers he will be expected to be serving as long relief and a position player and manager as well as we don't have much of our team left.'

Meanwhile the fans of Philly can rest assured that the all star cast of the Boston Red Sox now have a new home in Philadelphia and Boston can only hope that fans around Boston can serve as players considering that the Sox don't have much of a team anymore.

Joe Derive

Cherington frustrated at Jose Iglesias success -- wants him shot

In a shocking turn of events, Ben Cherington says that Jose Iglesias needs to be shot to quell the frustration of success that is permeating the club house.

'A simple execution should be enough to finally stop his relentless hitting and fielding.  It's time our elite shortstop J.D. Drew -- now hitting .209 and striking out 50% of the time back into the lineup to bring stability and peace.'

Cherington does admit that Jose's success is frustrating and adds that...

"Fortunately, sabermetrics offers a tremendous amount of B.S. (Baseball stats) that we can use to argue that this is a fluke and he's a bad player.  We have PCA (pitch count average) which measures the amount of pitches each player receives as a function of success.  Jose gets long counts and according to PCS (pitch count success) as well as HDA (hit distance average) and of course our personal favorite 'BWVSS (bat weight versus shoe size) we have a player on his way to disaster.  I'm afraid we have to consider an immediate execution.  We'll give him his choice of firing squad or being thrown from an airplane -- we will give him a free pair of Boze headphones with the Red Sox label of course.  We're not insane.'

While the execution date is still up in the air, Cherington promises he will continue to cripple the lineup until the Sox slowly fade away to oblivion at short.

"We've had Julio Lugo as well as tons of other shortstops that are horrible and we will not quit until we get a combination of Manny Ramirez, Josh Beckett and Bobby Jenks at short.  Have no fear."

Ben is also concerned about the closer position but is pleased by the present closer's success.

"He's pretty awful so we won't shoot him but let me tell you...Clay B...watch out."

I'm Joe Derive.

Ben Cherington and John Farrell meet at Arnie's

Arnie looked out at the two slumping down drinks as if they were IV's.  He shook his head and went back into the kitchen.  His restaurant catered now to everyone both rich and famous and those looking for an evening out.  He was a good man, a kind man, a generous man and one fed up with Julio Lugo as his employer.

"Lugo, go over there and tell those two to quit it!"

Lugo walked out smashing into the door.  Plates and forks flew everywhere and Arnie scrambled to clean it up.

"That's another five hundred dollars you owe me..."

"At this rate, I'll have nothing left in my paycheck, let alone my bank account"

"That's the idea Lugo...it's your fault for all the years you made me suffer watching you in a Red Sox uniform....and that's a hundred for the stained apron.  I have to have it wet cleaned now and that's expensive."

"Right Arnie...sorry."

Lugo walked out and went to the table and saw Red Sox manager John Farrell and Ben Cherington, head of player operations slouched in their chairs watching the ceiling fans spin around.  Their heads could be seen mimicking their movements.

"Wow, "said Farrell.  "It's quite hypnotic watching it spin and spin."

"I'd estimate several revolutions per minute...boy I wish Daniel Bard were here to figure out that stuff...stuff..."

"OK you two, "said Lugo.  "Enough booze...you have to get a cab and go home."

"Oh hi Lugo, "said Ben.  "Glad you see your baseball career isn't ending...for now you're throwing away busted plates instead of ballgames..."

"ha...ha..." said Lugo.  "My radio show..."

"The only locally produced sports themed show in the northern Cleveland Ohio section with a major sports figure talking about sports at the 2:30 am spot...ya we got it, "said Farrell and Ben in unison.

"OK but let's call it a night OK."

"Night, " snapped Farrell.  "Man my team couldn't win a game if the legendary John Farrell was pitching...in my prime...oh we are the 67 Mets."

"I honestly had NO idea I'd get two relievers in a row that were so bad, "said Ben referring to Brittle Bailey and Joe Hanarhan  both failed experiments following the likes of Eric Gagne, Bobby 'Double Fist' Jenks, etc. etc. etc.

"Ya you did, "snapped John.  "If you wanted them they were bad...and you traded Jed Lowrie...when we needed a shortstop...for this?'

"I can pitch, "snapped Lugo. 

"So pitch me..." slurred John.  'pitch me your idea for a winning team. "

"No...we need...ah...we need...where is my sabermetrical calculator.  I need to calculate the .OPS .PBS...or is it the .BS calculation for the .PPS .PBS..."

"That's a television network you morono...' snapped John gulping down his last drink.  "And I for one consider it my sworn duty to point out that all that sabermetic crap is just that...#$#$#$ '

'OK you three, "snapped Arnie.  " I run a respectable and classy restaurant and people are looking at you and that hurts my business so..out you and you and you..."

"But I work here, "snapped Lugo.

"Like I said, " said Arnie.  'I run a respectable restaurant.'

'Fine, "snapped Lugo,  'I'm otta here..."

"I have to face Larry Luchchciuoeo....or whatever his name is...I'm jumping out that...window and that's it, "snapped Ben Cherington who quickly smashed through the window falling into the night air.

"Oh crap, "snapped John Farrell.

"Don't worry, "said Arnie.  "it's a one floor building.  '

"Oh, ' said John.  'Can I get another...my team...is killing me...softly."

"Gotta close up John...sorry."

 'I'll pay you...one hundred...thousand dollars...now..."

"John...I'm an honest man and you need to go home and get some rest...you have a game tomorrow."

John got up and fell right down crashing into the floor.  Arnie sighed.

"Clean up Lugo...gonna be a LONG night."

Bobby Valentine - ME!

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Bobby Jenks fights Breast Cancer

Hello I'm Tina Derive and I'm SO delighted to be on 'Tomorrow...IS Today."  It's the talk show that talks about tomorrow's topics today...get it? 

Oh anyway, as you know, I'm Joe Derive's new wife.  We married last night in Los Vegas...I think...I don't remember much actually...but anyway...welcome Bobby Jenks:

Bobby Jenks
Glad to be here to fight Breast Cancer the leading cause of problems for women in the US.

Tina Derive:
Wow...that is so great of you.  You know you have a reputation as a womanizer and a total drunk bum but today you're making amends. We're all so very proud of you and what a handsome man you are!

Bobby Jenks (now sweating in his chair)
Oh...I like this show.

Tina  (laughing)
Bobby...you are such a flatterer and are so muscular.

Bobby:
Oh Tina I know the perfect evening for both of us...Anyway,  I'm here to show woman everywhere how to examine their breasts and provide free breast exams.  I'm completely qualified and will spend the time you need to ensure a cancer free breast.

Tina
Wow...that is so cool of you.  Did you go to school for that?

Bobby Jenks
Ah...ya...listen what is your IQ?

Tina
Oh...80 or so...I think but I don't remember too much...ha.ha..so can you go over the techniques you use to examine a breast...because I like do them in the shower.

Bobby Jenks
Well...ah...sorry starting to sweat here...hot studio...anyway the important part is to examine every part of the breast...did you say shower?

Tina
Every week!!!

Bobby
You take a shower once a week???

Tina (laughing hard)
No silly I examine my breasts once a week...I take a shower twice a week.  I call it Tuesday is shower and Friday is flower.  That's how I remember to shower twice a week.  Tuesday and Friday...like everyone else.  You're so silly.

Bobby Jenks
You weren't lying about your IQ were you?

Tina
Oh my you are SO funny Bobby.  So anyway what do I do to make my breasts cancer free, do I stroke them, rub them...ah I like to rub soap on them to check for...oh you certainly crossed your legs fast...ha..ha...chair uncomfortable?

Bobby Jenks
Ya...bad chair...ah...so anyway I have a free breast cancer clinic in my home city that young woman...you know because older woman already know this stuff...

Tina
Oh OK...so what would be the age limit?

Bobby
Twenty five

Tina
What made you pick that age instead of say 40 or 50 where breast cancer rates are much higher?

Bobby
How did you know that?

Tina (laughing)
Oh...I have NO idea...but you didn't answer the question did you? I believe that's the logical fallacy of 'avoiding the question.'

Bobby:
You're IQ isn't 80 is it?


Tina (with an angry stare)
I have Bobby Jenks on the show and my desire to make him look like a total fool just demanded that I alter a fact or two...and you have no way of moving off that stage easily right now do you without even making a bigger fool of yourself.

Bobby (meekly)
No...

Tina
That's all for today's show.  Tomorrow we'll have former Red Sox pitcher Kason Gabbard who will try to convince us that his name really isn't Jason.

Kason:
It's KASON!!!!!!!!!

Joe Derive and the scary 4

Arnie, the king of restaurant owners walked to the door in utter shock.  There was Joe Derive, a reporter for the Boston Sport smiling hard as he greeted his guests.

'Arnie, ' said Joe who extended his hand.  "Like you to meet my friends."

Arnie looked over at Manny Ramirez, Bobby Valentine, Julio Lugo and Bobby Jenks.

"If those are your friends Joe, I'd hate to see your enemies, " said Arnie trying not to groan as the five walked in and sat down.  Arnie, being the kind person that he was walked over and smiled.

'So...ah...what would you like to eat...not drink...eat?"

"Hey what about the big...", said Bobby Jenks.

"Uh hu...no,no,no, ' said Joe starring down Bobby Jenks.  "What is the number one rule with you four."

In unison the four spouted out, "don't talk unless it's a life or death emergency."

Joe nodded but then added, "and..."

"Consider it optional even then, "said the four in unison.  Joe then smiled broadly. 

"That's right Arnie.  These four, and myself, will have scrambled eggs with wheat toast, a cup of fruit and coffee. "

Arnie nodded and strolled away watching the four of them in unison.

Meanwhile Joe leaned back and smiled.  "You see, "said Joe, "  You four can behave in a public setting without a single problem."

Bobby Valentine shrugged. "The problem was the Boston Media.  Totally unprofessional. One reporter didn't like the way I answered the question and refused to speak to me the entire season."

"What did you say, "asked Joe?

"I told him to go #$#$34 himself and to stick #$#$ up his #$#$#4. "

"Wow, 'said Bobby Jenks. "What was wrong with that?"

"Ya see, "snapped Joe.  "That is exactly the type of thinking that you need to eliminate.  Remember my number one rule for you Bobby!"

"Everything I say or think is always wrong, "said Bobby in monotone. 

"Exactly, "said Joe.  "You need to flip everything you said to something that comes unnatural and it will be OK."

"So I can't tell that waitress that she has the biggest..."

"No...don't go there."

"Arnie, I found what Bobby said badder.  He really needs to clean up his languageres, "said Julio Lugo.

"How did you ever run a radio show Lugo?"

"Hey, it's still on.  The Alaska show is the only locally produced radio show in the Fairbanks area between the hours of 2:00 am and 3:00 am on Monday night with a ratings of...oh two listeners."

"Stop reading from notes Julio!"

"Hey what about me, 'said Manny Ramirez.  "Everyone in China LOVES ME.  They all know how great I am."

Joe rubbed his forehead.


"Here's the food. Hey Manny, "said Arnie as he was handing out the dishes. "You doing well in China...wait...let me guess...they love you over there!"

"Hey ya they do.  How'd you know?"

"But...you're getting tired of them and their lousy attitudes..."

"Right again...you are a genius Arnie."

"Lucky guess."

Arnie walked away as the four began eating their meal.

"I need it bad Joe.  For some reason women don't find me attractive!" said Bobby Jenks.

"That's because you're overweight and unlikeable, "said Bobby Valentine.

"Darnit Bobby...you two are giving the name Bobby a BAD name...wow"

"I just tell the truth, "snapped Bobby Valentine.

"Are you calling me FAT!!!"

"No, no, "said Bobby Valentine.  "I'm fat...you're thin and great looking."

Joe shook his head. Once again Bobby Valentine was doing the 'V' talk. 

"Man...why did I agree to this outing anyway Joe?"

"Because you're part of my new public relations study to determine if guys like you can function in the real world."

"I can function just fine...it's the world that's the problem, "snapped Bobby Valentine.

'Next you'll say that I just misinterpreted the fact that you just insulted the entire world.'

"Kind of, 'said a shamed Valentine.

"I've been taking a math course in addition.  Thank goodness for calculators, "said Lugo.  "I was having the worst time adding 5 + 12 until I punched it in a calculator and got 87.  Whew that was hard, "said Lugo.

"Hard...ya...I miss..."

"BOBBY, "cursed Joe Derive.  "Get your mind off yourself."

"That's it.  I'm sick of you guys and maybe you sick of Manny.  I want to stay in China where they love me there and in the meantime I'm going to shove Joe Derive to the ground just cause."

"Ow, "snapped Joe.

"That's it all of you.  Out of this restaurant.  I'm though with you!" said Arnie.

"See...see you four start talking and we get into trouble!"

"Joe, sorry, really but I have to run a family restaurant here."

"Does this mean that we get our $20,000 back Joe, "said Bobby Jenks.

"20,000 dollars.  Way to go Joe, "said Arnie.

Joe nodded and got up.

"OK you four we'll try again tomorrow night and this time we'll do it right.  We're going to McDonalds.

"DOUBLE FIST." snapped Bobby Jenks.

The four left and walked into the night.



 

Red Sox Management Selling New 'Stuff'

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and to leave warm and SUNNY Florida for...New York -- OK New York is great...but boy was it warm in Florida.  Anyway, I'm here with Larry Lucciano of the Boston Red Sox as he talks about merchandise that fans can buy in Fenway Park.  He's doing this as part of a program to help raise money for the struggling NESN network.

Larry
Hey Joe, we're very excited about the stuff we're selling. Stuff our players have donated to us to sell at the Fenway Park Store.  No more used jerseys going for...oh...$5000.  Now we have stuff that every fan will love.  Take David Ortiz's gold chain.

Joe:
Wow!  That's amazingly generous of David to donate it to the Red Sox and NESN.

Larry:
It is, but that's the type of player David Ortiz is.  He's so generous with his time and his stuff...oh, excuse me I have a call.

Larry (talking in background).
A breakin?  David that's terrible.  They took your...your gold chain?  Horrible...listen...ya no need to contact the police Dave.  We'll help you find it...ya...detectives...did they find fingerprints...oh that's too bad.  Listen, I'm talking with Joe Derive...gotta go...no no cops...we'll figure it out.

Larry: (looking a bit sweaty and panicked)
So anyway, we've got other things as well.  Take for example this great...well we have a photo of it.

Joe:
That's Josh Beckett's truck!  Wow!

Larry:
Ya...it's awesome isn't it.  Even has Josh's keg of beer in it!  Awesome!  We're selling it for 250 thousand dollars and that's a bargain.  I mean he's no longer with the team but that doesn't mean he's not a Red Sox.  He drove it all the way from Texas.

Joe:
So wow...I thought he didn't like you guys...boy was I wrong.

Larry:
Ya...oh...excuse me...

Larry (in background)
Josh...long time no hear...your truck...stolen?  How terrible?  Had beer in it too!  Your golf clubs?  Awful so why are you calling me?  Oh...spotted in Boston near Fenway Park with me driving it?  Ha...that's funny...well you know....seen one seem em' all.  Listen...gotta go...ya Joe Derive.

Larry:
Sorry about that. Also we are selling Josh Beckett's golf clubs for only 500,000 dollars.  They are custom made and he used to love them but when he left Boston he donated them to us.

Joe:
Funny because I overheard you saying his truck was stolen...with his golf clubs.

Larry:
Ha,ha,ha...ya he and I love to kid around.  You know, stuff stolen, house breakins...it's a joke you know.

Joe:
Ya...funny...so what else you got?

Larry:
I saved the best for last. 

This is the bat that Yaz used to make 3000 hits.  Amazing isn't it.  Priceless but Yaz is selling it for a pity one point five million.  I mean...awesome...stupid #$#$ phone.  One second Joe.

Larry (in background)
What, Carl?  How are you?  Your bat...missing?  Carl...that's horrible.  Ya the one that made 3000 hits.  Man that was LOW.  Whoever did that ought to have their head chopped off. Ya...of course I'll help you with the investigation....police?  Na, they don't know nothing.  I'll solve it for you.  Ya...gotta go.

Larry:
Sorry, man I hate that phone. 

Joe:
So when do these items go for sale?

Larry:
Today...and it's first come first serve.  We want these items GONE...preferably today...in the next few hours...and we'll be taking counteroffers as well.  Really...crap the #$#$, #%$#$#$, @#@#@# phone.#$#$

Joe:
Calm down Larry!

Larry:
What!!!! Oh ya...the game ball where your threw a no-hitter...is gone.  Who #$#$ cares Clay.  Go $#$ in a lake.  Ya #$#$ you too!

Larry:
Damn...why me?  Why do they all think I stole these items when they clearly donated them to me.  Anyway, we have one final item...the game ball that Clay Buckholz kindly gave to us after he threw that no-hitter.  Folks...really, who wouldn't want that in their home.

Joe:
Ya...sure...anyway Larry...I have to go...

Larry:
But you haven't heard about J.D. Drew's household furniture or Tito Francona's lawn equipment...and we even rubbed off the serial numbers...

Joe:
Lawn equipment?  Are you serious?

Larry:
Autographed by me too!

Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and I am OUT OF HERE!!!  Welcome to the Boston Red Sox 2013 season!!!!

Larry:
Oh crap the cops!

Red Sox fan appreciation day at Fenway

Joe Derive
Hi, I'm Joe Derive and you probably are just as 'excited' as I am about fan appreciation day at Fenway.  The Boston Red Sox, in conjunction with many fine Boston area restaurants are proud to offer free food day at Fenway.  That's right, all the food is free and all you can eat...so why do I smell a rat.  Nah, Red Sox ownership loves their fans,

Larry Lucchino:
'We're very excited about all-you-can-eat food at Fenway.  This is an amazing way for us, the Fenway owners to thank the loyal fans.

Joe Derive:
Ya, thanks for looking directly at me Larry!

Larry:
I also excited for the Fenway fateful as we feel 'green with envy' at what lies ahead.

Joe:
Are you even listening to me?

Larry:
Of course Joe. I always listen to the press and our fans.  Now, let us present some of the food. 

 Joe:
 I can't wait Larry. All this free food.  Gonna be awesome!

Larry
I know what you mean Joe...now let me put on these heavy industrial gloves so-as I don't contaminate the amazing food we have to offer on Free Food Day. 

Joe:
Ya whatever, let's see the FOOD!

Larry
First we call this the snowjob hotdog.  Oh man can you smell it!

Joe:
Holy #$#$#$!!!!

Larry:
Come on Joe.  It's an exciting delicacy.  You know food mold has great nutrition and tastes so good with a beer and we're giving away the first five for only $4.00 a piece.

Joe:
So you actually are CHARGING for this!

Larry:
Of course.  Our fans want to pay through the nose.  Now, in addition we're really proud to present our all natural dip for nachos.  Made from a garden...of excellent nutrition...ah...fans will drop dead over this delicious worm pie and it's available to any fan that can sit through an entire game.  The cost is only $20.00 and it's a great family friendly treat!

Joe:
You've got to be kidding Larry!  That food would be condemned by the poorest of the poor.

Larry:
Now Joe, don't worry about quantities because we have TONS of food to feed the fans.  Just look at our refrigerated section that I am just DYING over.  I mean who wouldn't die over this yummy treat and it's all for the fans whom we love so much.  That's why we dumped Tito Francona and got Bobby Valentine and it wasn't his fault.  It was the fans who drove this generous man out of town.

Joe:
No, get me out of here...or at least get me away from this food. 
 
Larry:
Come on Joe.  This is fan appreciation day.

Joe:
And I'm sure they'd appreciate if you resigned!


Larry:
Wait I have to eat too.  Here is my meal.  It's gross compared to our fine food we're serving to our fans but we put them first -- NEVER ourselves now if you'll excuse me I have to eat on my boat then it's off to Liverpool. 

Joe:
No way are you enjoying this while the fans suffer!

Larry:
The fans are NOT suffering. 

Joe:
They will be if they eat this food!!!

Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and boy...do I need a real job!

60 Minutes Interview Bobby Jenks

Laura Logan:
Bobby Jenks had a very promising career until two back surgeries and a hit and run sidelined a once promising and successful career as one of the great closers in all of Major League Baseball.  Tonight, Bobby sits down with me to talk about his career and his new show 'Double Fist' to which he promotes drinking and other horrible behaviors and dares call it his rehabilitation program.  All that and more tonight on 60 Minutes.


Bobby, what do you want to say to the fans out there who are asking themselves, how could such a promising athlete fall from grace so quickly.

Bobby Jenks:
Ah...are those real?

Laura Logan
Excuse me?

Bobby Jenks
Just asking...I'm sure you've been asked that before right?

Laura
Bobby, right now it gives me great satisfaction to know that you're on 60 minutes, a nationally televised program on CBS that reaches millions of households who often see celebrities make utter fools of themselves. 

Bobby Jenks
Got that...so...are those real?

Laura Logan:
Oh for heavens sake Bobby...yes they are real.  Are you happy now!


Bobby:
Ah...could I see them!

Laura Logan
Why me...OK Mr. Jenks,  you are currently suing your doctors over allegations that they wrecked your career through two back surgeries but isn't it true that you got drunk inside an adult establishment, drove off after hitting a car and received an arrest.

Bobby:
Those are so hot you know that!

Laura Logan
Mr. Jenks, can you comment on your arrest.

Bobby:
Ah...can you arrest me?

Laura Logan.
I'm taking to Beavis and Butthead.  Somebody help me.

Bobby Jenks:
Oh I love those guys.  They remind me of me.  Double Fist!!!!!

Laura Logan
Mr. Jenks you assured us that you were going to act as a professional...

Bobby Jenks
Oh I'm a professional all right Miss Loogan.

Laura Logan.
CUT!!!!  You couldn't pay me enough to interview this loser!  Mr. Jenks good luck on your...'career'

Bobby Jenks
Hey wait...can I have your phone number!!!

Laura Logan.
 GOOD BYE!

Bobby Jenks
Stupid Jack Daniels.  I knew I should have had a Rolling Rock!

THE END

Alfredo Aceves speaks about fight

Alfredo Aceves once again was in yet another fight stating once again that he had NOTHING to do with the fight what so ever.

Alfredo:
I am an even tempered human being.  Anger, of course, is confusing to me.  I hardly know the word.  I am 'MR. calm.'

Joe Derive:
So you're saying that nothing gets you angry.

Alfredo:
Yes...that's what I am saying.

Joe Derive:
So if I say, I don't know, told you that you're short and ugly you won't have a problem with that.

Alfredo.
Excuse me may I use your computer to send an email?

Joe:
I guess so...ah...Alfredo...you don't send an email with a baseball bat!!!!

Alfredo began smashing my keyboard with his bat.  It was disturbing...but fortunately I got that PC at a junk yard sale.

Alfredo:
NOBODY CALLS ME THAT.  I'll BREAK HIS HEAD OPEN!!!!!!!!!!

Alfredo; (returning to seat)
Anyway...where were we?

Joe:
You were smashing my computer to the ground.

Alfredo:
No...I was simply stretching my muscles...they get sore.

Joe:
So...really you...are considered by many to be a violent ill tempered person.

Alfredo:
Joe, it's hot in here.  Can I open up a window?

Joe:
Of course.

Alfredo apparently has a different idea of how to open up a window.

Alfredo:
I'll shove those words up somebodies throat!


Alfredo:
Feel better Joe.  It was awfully hot in here.

Joe:
That usually happens when you smash a hole in the wall and smash a computer.

Alfredo:
I need that chair to sit down Joe.  I'm tired.

Alfredo:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and welcome to baseball 2013...Ouch!

HALL of Fame - NOT

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I talked with some athletes about not getting into the Hall Of Fame. It was shocking of course as they all claim not to use steroids.  First it's Barry Bonds.

Bobby:
Joe, as I said before, I have never used steroids.  I mean the idea of using steroids is just...shocking. Just shocking.  Look at me.  Do I look like a man who EVER used steroids!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe:
OK but why are you so green?
Bobby:
Mainly because of an unfortunate gamma ray blast while trying to save my friend Rick Jones many years ago...
Joe:
That was the Hulk.
Bobby:
Oh, well it was steroids but don't tell anyone...after all I need to get into the hall even though I cheated and it was OK to cheat since everyone else did it.
Joe:
Isn't that the bandwagon logic failing?
Bobby:
Hu?
Joe:
Never mind.

My next guest was Roger Clemens.  Clearly this man used steroids!

Roger:
Joe, great to be here.  As you know, I never took steroids.  I do have this need to SMASH things but that has nothing to do with steroids.
Joe:
So you took steroids?
Roger:
NO I not.  Roger SMASH!!!!...err...sorry side effects of steroids.
Joe:
OK well stop taking them.
Roger:
Why ugly man make Roger Hulk stop taking steroids!!!!!
 Joe:
You are one SCARY guy Roger...Hulk.  I'm leaving now!

OK well it was clear this was going to be a problem.  I then interviewed Mark McGuire about his steroids use...that he admitted to.

Mark:
Listen Joe, steroids are BAD but man do I feel like a man with them.  
Joe:
Can you put those claws down Mark and take off that insane and dangerous costume OK???? I'll wait!



Mark:

You know Joe I do feel better.  That costume always gives me diaper rash.
Joe:
I am NOT going to comment on that.  Anyway Mark, what do you think of the steroid problem?
Mark:
You know Joe, everyone did do it and it was the only way to survive.  When everyone around you is doing it and you don't, you won't survive in the big leagues.  It's just the reality of the situation and baseball loved it as we were breaking all sorts of records.
Joe:
Mark for goodness sakes, this is a comedy blog, what kind of an answer is that!
Mark:
Sorry Joe would it be better if I said I often put on the Wolverine costume and battled Juggernaut and the Hulk!
Joe:
Whew, much better.

 Finally I talked to Bobby Valentine and got his opinion on the subject.

Bobby:
The whole problem with this town will be revealed in April when I have my own radio show on 1050AM in Boston during the 2:30 am to 3:30 am hour but only when the power goes off at the station.  That was the number one rule.  It's the only locally produced show on radio that's produced during power blackouts that's also an NBC affiliate during the 2:30am to 3:30 am hour.  Ha ha.
Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and sorry I asked.