Monday, November 30, 2009

Duck Season -- Part II

When last we left our...idiot, Elmer Epstein was trying to hunt down the dreaded Bugs Lugo.

"All right wabbit, say youw pwayers!"
Bugs Lugo lifts his carrot and said, "look there's Matt Holliday!"
Elmer Epstein turned around and slammed into Daffy Drew Duck.
"Ow!"
"Sowwy Mr. Dwew. I thought you wewe Matt Holliday"
"Do I LOOK like Matt Holliday?"
"Yes!"
Daffy leaned down and said, "and you wonder why nobody wants to play for the Red Sox anymore!"
"ha, ha...wait a minute. I fohgot. It's wabbit season!"
Daffy leaned down and said, "no, it's idiot season and excuse me. Slamming into me puts me on the DL ...again...ow my back!"
Elmer turned around and says to the audience, "wasn't Daffy Dwew wohth evewy penny! That was won of my bettah moves! Ha ha ha ha"
Epstein turned towards Bugs and said, "all wight wabbut. Say youw pwayers!"
"OK, God bless Ellen and God bless Gary and ..."
"Oh no you don't. I won't get fooled twice because fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice shame on me too...ah...how does that go?"
Bugs Lugo got up and said, "doc...it's duck season!"
"Oh no you don't Lugo, "said Daffy Duck. " It's wabbit season"
"Duck season"
"Rabbit season"
"Duck season"
"Rabbit season"
Bugs leans to the camera and says, "rabbit season"
"Duck season"
"Wabbit season!"
"Duck Season so shoot the duck...shoot the duck!"
A large explosion goes off.
"Now you know why I'm always on the disabled list. You're despicable!"
Daffy leans towards Elmer Epstein.
"OK...do it before he gets wise. It's duck season so shoot!
A large explosion goes off.
"O...K.....it's rabbit...duck...ah...."
Daffy Duck falls to the ground.
"Ah...so anyway doc, it's not rabbit season!"
"It's not?"
"Doc, it's hot stove season..."
"Oh...of course."
Bugs walks over to a burning hot stove.
"So step in here and start the hot stove season.'
"Gee mistah wabbit...that sounds awfully stupid of me to go in there."
"No more stupid than not signing Gonsalez!"
Elmer smiles, "ha, ha...that was a smaht move, ha ha...you see (whispering) if we dump Bay then we'll have Holliday instead."
"Ah doc, who's your left fielder and shortstop then."
Elmer laughs and says, "ah..."
'Doc...step into the oven. "
"Ok Mistah Wabbit but only because it's hot stove season."
A large scream is heard.
"HELP!"
"Hang in there doc. All of New England is cheering for you right now!"
THE END

Duck Season

Elmer Epstein ran to John Henry's desk with excitement.
"Ah...Mr. Henwy...I'm going to kill the wabbit!"
John looked up sulking and said, "Elmer, can't you wait until I've shot myself in the head. I find having half my head missing very relaxing when I talk to you. You should try it...really!"
Elmer laughed and said, "ha, ha, ha...gee Mr. Henwy, you never used to shoot yourself in the head before I got hired."
John leaned his eye upward and said, "and what does that tell you Elmer?"
"Ah...ha, ha, you don't support gun contwol!"
John sighed and said, "Elmer you really should consider blowing your head off. Might do you good. Now go hunting Elmer. Let me know when you get shot! I haven't had a party in a while!"
Elmer smiled and said, "if it makes you happy Mr. Henwy, I'll get shot twice!"
It was the first time that John had smiled in days.
(LATER)
"Be vewy quiet, I'm killing fwee agents...ha, ha, ha...it's wabbit season!"
Elmer snuck through the woods.
"I won't fail. I made won mistake with that scwey wabbit and I won't do it twice!"
Elmer looked and said, "oh hi Mr. Gwagme. How ya doing!"
"ahhh, a lot better since that sucker deal!"
Elmer walked on and then said, "hey...the Gwagme deal was bad too. But that's only two!"
Elmer trekked on.
"Oh hi Mr. Schilling!"
"One year of free pay! Thank you Mr. Elmer!"
Elmer walked on.
"Hey...that was a weally bad deal as well!"
Elmer walked on.
"Oh hi Mr. Jason!"
"It's KASON"
Elmer walked on and said, "hey why did we buy him bwack anyway!"
A walk forward for Elmer.
"Oh hi Mr. Gonsalez!"
"Go JAYS!"
Elmer walked on.
"Wow, that was a weally bad deal too. Hey...maybe I'm an idiot after all!"
Bugs Lugo walked at Elmer and said, "Ah...I didn't say it...but its TRUE
TO BE CONTINUED....

Kill the Wabbit

John Henry sat at his desk, brimming with hate as the meek and stupid Elmer Epstein sat squirming at his feet.
"You know Elmer, you're an idiot. We know it, I know it and even you must have some idea, some perverse idea that you are a dolt!"
"Gee thank you Mr. Henwy. That's a vewy nice compliment!"
Henry then smashed his head against the desk. It hurt. Ow!
"I'm going to give you one more chance to KILL Lugo. Can you do it?"
"Oh couwse Mr. Henwy. I won't let you down. I'm a twained killah! ha ha ha ha ha."
"Right, well here it is. An AK-47. It will only take one round. I have Bugs Lugo locked in the back room. Go back there and LET HIM HAVE IT!"
Elmer smiled and said, "It's done!"
"DO IT!"
Elmer locked himself in the room seeing Bugs Lugo sitting with a carrot.
"Ah...what's up doc!"
"Say your pwayahs Wabbit!"
"My Prayers...OK"
Bugs Lugo sat down and said, "God bless, Ellen and Greg and Gary and Bob and David and Jacobe and Johnny and Daemon and Scott and Bors and Fred and Barney and ..."
(two hours later)
"...and Betty and Jules Verne and Albert and Einstein..."
Elmer looks towards the camera.
"Gee...Mistah wabbit has a lot of pwayahs."
"AMEN. I'm ready doc."
Elmer aims the AK-47 at Bugs Lugo.
"Now I'm going to let ya have it wabbit!"
"OK doc, give me the gun. You heard Mr. Henry , let me have it."
Elmer Epstein looks towards the camera.
"I have a weally bad feeling this is going to turn out like the Gag-me twade."
(one minute later)
Elmer walks out with gun powder all over his face.
"Gee Mistah Henwy...that hurt!"
Bugs walks out and says, "ain't I a stinker!"

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Elmer Epstein Strikes Again

John Henry stormed into his private dining room.
"EPSTEIN!"
"Yes, Mr. Henwy...is there something I can get for you!"
"I've had it, "snapped John who begin rolling his body around the table. "I want Bugs Lugo on my dinner plate tonight. Of all the stupid things. Hiring a rabbit to play shortstop and a Daffy Drew Duck to play right field. We're the laughing stock of the league!"
Elmer Epstein burned.
"OOOO That waskly wabbit. I'm make him into wabbit stew!"
Elmer stormed off hearing "you have twenty minutes" from John.
"Be wevy quiet. I'm killing Fwee Agents...ha, ha, ha!"
"Ah...what's up doc?"
That strange familiar sound grate Elmer Epstein's throat.
"Wabbit stew that's what's up!"
"Wabbit stew...mmmmmmmmm...I love wabbit stew...but it's nothing with a contract from Scott Boras!"
Elmer burned.
"What's Scott Big-ass got to do with Wabbit stew!"
"MMMM" kissed Bugs Lugo before storming off.
"Hey...that was the wabbit!"
"Pathetic, isn't he? " smiled Bugs.
Elmer threw a large coconut cream pie which Bugs Lugo easily missed. A large plop sound was heard as John Henry walked into the room with fire in his throat and said with a pleasing calm,
"Oh Elmer...why did you throw a coconut cream pie at me?"
"AH..."
"You have five minutes!"
Elmer grabbed his gun and started firing at missing badly. Elmer looked around and noticed Bugs Lugo who was dressed as Eric Gagme.
"Oh Mr. Gagme...how pwivilaged it would be to have you on the Wed Sox"
"Ah...it'll cost ya!"
"How much, 'drolled Epstein.
"Ten million for another four year even if I don't play a single game...!"
Elmer grabbed the contract and signed it. He turned towards the camera.
"A few more deals like this and the Wed Sox will be a totally diffwent team! Ha!"
Bugs Lugo looked at the camera and said, "Don't you hate it when they fall in love with last place!"
"Ah...what's up doc!"
Bugs ran off as Elmer Epstein sat there and said, "hey...that was the wabbit...and he tricked me again. With my intelligwece too!"
Elmer ran off before slamming into John Henry who looked like a man who was ready to kill.
"Elmer, did we just sign an extension to Bugs Lugo for another four years?"
"Yes Mistah Henwy!"
"Elmer, why did we sign an extension to Bugs Lugo for another four years?"
"Ah...kindness."
John grabbed Elmer and pulled him up to his face.
"Kindness???"
"But I thought I was signing Erig Gag-me. I didn't know!"
John put him down on the ground.
I'm going out for a ham sandwich. I don't have the money now for rabbit stew!"
Elmer looked towards the camera and said, "Hey...I won. He didn't fire me!"
"You're fired!"
"Dwat that scwewy wabbit!"
"Ah...it's a living!"

Friday, November 27, 2009

Wile-E-Epstein

John Henry walked into Wile's office. He was the brother of Elmer Epstein.
"Wile...I need you to get rid of that idiot Bugs Lugo. Why do I keep giving you raises anyway!"
John looked mystified and walked out.
"I'm going to kill him...hee, hee, hee, hee...and I've got the perfect device from ACME corporation!"
"Ah Wile, "snapped John. "you're not going to order from ACME again are you?"
Wile felt his face sag and said, "only an idiot would make the same stupid shortstop moves over and over again!"
John smiled and said, "whew...glad we got that straightened out!"
(later that day)
"Wile E. Epstein...super genius. No wonder the fans love me so much! Oh I have saved the Red Sox."
"Ah...what's up doc?"
"Hee, hee, hee...I'm dumping money down Bugs Lugo's hole. Hee, hee, hee. It never fails to give me what I want. I'm such a genius!"
Bugs Lugo looked towards the camera and said, "you know...I almost feel sorry for him."
Bugs Lugo then leaned down and said, "so what does this Bugs Lugo look like anyway?"
Wile sat up and said, "oh he's gray an white with big pointy ears and a fluffy tail!"
"Like this doc?"
"Yes, hee, hee, hee...exactly like that!"
"And a tail like this doc?"
"Yes, "giggled Wile-E...and now the finishing touch. Dynamite!"
"OK Doc...see you around!"
A pause came over his face.
"Wait a minute...that was the rabbit and all my money is down that hole! I have to get it back!"
Wile-E-Epstein dives down the hole and watches his money and his body explode.
"When an explosion happens I have a moment of clar...clar...clarity...ah..."
(LATER)
Wile E Epstein is tip-toeing to the hole.
"This can't fail. I'm going to drop a bomb down a hole...hee...hee...heee"
"Ah...what's up doc?"
Wile E said, "Daffy Drew and Bugs Lugo are down this hole. I know that because Foghorn Boris told me so! Hee, hee, hee, hee!"
Bugs turns towards the camera.
"Don't you wish life was this easy?"
Wile E drops the bomb down the hole.
"Now watch it go boom!"
A pause.
"It didn't go boom!"
"That's because you forgot to light it Epstein. Just dive down into the hole and light it!
"Oh of course. I haven't been this smart since I got Eric Gagne. Oh wasn't that brilliant!"
"That was almost as good as letting go of that bumb Alex Gonsalez!"
"Yes, "said Wile. "That was a brilliant move on my part! I just keep making them!
Wile E dives down into the hole.
Bugs chuckles and said, "nobody can be that dumb!"
"Ah...could you hand me that match!"
"Of course doc!"
Lugo Bugs turns towards the camera and says, "OK, so I was wrong!"
After the explosion goes off Bugs Lugo walks away from the camera.
"Ain't I a stinker?"

Elmer Fudd meets Theo Epstein

"Be vewy quiet...I'm hunting fwee agents.!"
A pause.
"Ah...what's up doc?"
'I'm hunting fwee agents...ha ha ha...who are you?"

Poor Elmer Epstein. That screwy rabbit was at it again.

"Ah Elmer Epstein, Bugs Lugo. Ah...I'll take your contract for say...85$ million..."
"Wow...that's a lot of money."
"Is not!"
"It is"
"not"
"is"
"not"
"is"
(wink from Bugs as he turns toward the camera and says, "I do this type of stuff throughout the picture.")
"is"
'not"
"is"
"not"
"I say it isn't and I'm buying you Lugo...ha ha ha ha. You think I'm so stupid but I'm NOT!"
Bugs Lugo looks toward Camera chewing a carrot.
"Ya doc. nobody can call you stupid."
A pause from Elmer Epstein as he smiles for the camera. He pulls his gun over his shoulder with a proud look on his face.
"Say...did I just give up Alex Gonsalez instead for the scewy wabbit Lugo?"
A look from Bugs Lugo.
"Ah...doc...I'm not going to say your a moron...BUT YOU ARE!"
(large chase scene develops. Elmer falls off cliff and crashes on ground screaming all the way.
"This is going to hurt the fans a lot more than its going to hurt me."
Elmer Epstein falls to the ground.
"That scewy wabbit is always getting the bwest of me!"
"Hey what about me partner. Daffy Drew is my name!"
"No way will I get bought out by some stupid duck!"
Daffy smiles toward the camera and said, "Do you think I should tell him folks?"
"Yes you will!"
"No I won't!"
"yes you will!"
"No I won't'"
(A few minutes later)
"Now how am I going to tell Mr. John Henwy that I just got a screwy wabbit and a stupid duck for $243 million plus incentives while letting go of all the talent. Oh I hate being so stupid."
Bugs moves up behind Elmer and says, "Ah...doc...it's a living!"
THE END