Red Sox vs. Yankees

Hi, I'm Joe Derive. Ya its "spend through the roof " time and I thought it might be fun to examine each position from 1st base to catcher and see which team, Yankees or Red Sox are the better team.

First Base:
I would love to give this position to Gonsalez. He'll need time to adjust of course so in the beginning, I'll give this position to the Yankees. However, not having Julio Lugo play first base is already a plus.
Bottom line: Red Sox.

Second Base:
The Red Sox have about an even comparison with Dustin Pedroia coming back from foot surgery. Thankfully Julio Lugo never played this position so already the Sox are in good place.
Bottom line: Even

ShortStop:
Theo worked to improve Julio Lugo and got Julio Lugo Jr in Mark ScatterThrow. Jeter isn't much better on the Yankees. I would love to see Jed Lowrie take over. He's a better player than ScatterThrow but at least Julio Lugo won't be playing the position.
Bottom Line: Even disasters

Third Base
Youk vs. A-Rod. I give this one to Youk. A-Rod is old with a hip injury but at least we don't have Julio Lugo playing third.
Bottom Line: Red Sox

Left Field
We dumped a bunch of money on Crawford but the Yanks have a strong left field as well. Fortunately we won't have Beltre at third so our left fielders will not walk away with broken ribs and we don't have Julio Lugo playing left field.
Bottom line: Red Sox

Center Field
Will Ellsbury have an All Star season? Of course he will since he wants to demand insane salary requirements in the Boras school of fantasy economics. Yankees have their own center field ace. Fortunately the Sox chose not to have Julio Lugo play center field. Going to be with the Yankees on this one.
Bottom Line: Yankees

Right Field
The fact is that Julio Lugo and Drew could compete for each other for the biggest road side disaster. Drew is pathetic and a lousy hitter. Fortunately he doesn't complain or brag.
Bottom line: Yankees or frankly any little league team.

Catcher
This is a tough call. I'd like to leave this open since the Sox are looking for another catcher. All we can say is one thing.
Bottom line: At least Julio Lugo isn't catching.

Starting Pitching
Well we have Dice-K who can't wait to take his millions and go back to Japan, a dying Josh Beckett and John Lackey. That's 2/3 of your starting pitching in the range of pathetic. I don't have any hope for Beckett and Dice-K, on his last contract year could care less so that leaves Lackey. If John can find any form, the Sox might survive but otherwise this area is in serious trouble. Fortunately we don't have Julio Lugo pitching.
Bottom line: Yankees

Bullpen
Both the Yankees and Sox have serious issues with the bullpens. Both are weak. We can only hope that the Sox will get an arm. Message to Theo -> Don't get Julio Lugo as a shutdown pitcher. Next year will be interesting as Papelbon will be looking elsewhere. Will the Yanks get him? No doubt but will the Sox sign Lugo as a closer?
Bottom Line: Even disasters

Manager
This is apples and oranges. Tito Francona is low key, relatively smart and a big-picture kind of key. Girardi is tempermental, edgy and detail driven. It all depends on what style you want. Both are appropriate for their clubs but I'd rather work under Tito than Girardi. Fortunately the Sox didn't hire Julio Lugo on their team. I might also add that Varitek will also be part of that behind-the-scenes picture. That gives the Red Sox a big edge.
Bottom line: Red Sox

DH
Posada is now a DH. Ortiz is still a DH. Fortunately the Sox don't have Julio Lugo as a DH. Is Lugo still running that radio show?
Bottom line: Easily the Red Sox

Camping Part II

Altitude Sickness

Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek and Tim Wakefield woke up feeling a blast of cold air strike their lungs.
"AH, " snapped Mike Lowell. "Do you two have any idea what its like going to the BATHROOM...in an OUTHOUSE...with a bad hip."
Tim paused and said, "I really don't want that picture in my head."
Jason said, "tell me about it...no really tell me about the toilet experience."
A long pause ensued.
They looked around and each saw their own demise trapped in this van inside YellowStone Park. They were unable to get a good nights sleep after being unable to get their tent together but when they finally got the tent together they forgot the rain flap. Then it snowed. They slept in the car all night after it snowed. Jason was crushing the other two during the night trying to get warm.
"Oh my back, "snapped Tim Wakefield getting up.
"Oh my hip, "gritted Mike Lowell.
"Oh my, "said Jason Varitek. "Is that a bear?"
The three looked out watching a male bear and her cubs walk across the field of fog and cold.
"Cool, "said Tim Wakefield.
"Amazing, "said Mike Lowell.
"Wow those are big..." said Jason Varitek before Tim Wakefield cut him off.

The three got out shivering against the cold air.
"I hate this trip, "snapped Mike. "Stupid camping trip and stupid ideas. I want a HOT shower and I want to feel clean again. This was the most retarded idea from your head, "snapped Mike Lowell. "How in hell..."
The two starred at Jason almost weeping before his tears turned to crystals and fell down his face.
"Sorry..." said both of the men shivering against the cold.
"It's OK."
"What we need is a hot breakfast, "said Mike.
"Great, I'll get the stove out."
Immediately the two others ran into the van and grabbed the stove. They then started up the van and ran over the strove crushing it.
"We're going to get some food at a f-king HOT place, "snapped Mike.
Jason nodded and ran in the van.

Later they sat at a restaurant inside devouring their food.
"Excuse me, "said the waiter. "Are you Mike Lowell?"
Mike looked up with an attempt at a dignified face but was already drenched in syrup from the pancakes so perhaps that was a pointless effort.
"Ya, "said Mike with some uncertainty in his voice.
"Sorry to see you go. Bum deal. You're so much better than your record shows."
Mike smiled gritting his teeth.
"Can I get your autograph. My neighbor is a big fan of yours."
"I'm Tim Wakefield, 'said Tim.
"That's nice. "
Tim then raised his hand and said, "I won the Roberto Clemete award."
"God I hate braggers, "said the waiter. "Hey are you a coach on the team now?"
Tim let his hand down sulking into the oatmeal.
"Oh man, you're Jason Varitek. Man you're were great before you got old."
Jason nodded his face holding the knife at an angle directed at the waiter.
"Ya, my Dad says you suck now but were great at one time. Guess that's what happens when you get old."
Jason turned away.
"Hey, why don't you shut up and...oh ya who do I make this out too?"
The waiter said, "my uncle. He says you're the best player on the team. I think so to."
Mike smiled as the other two sat and sulked.
"See ya."
Jason and Tim starred at each other.
"I hate fans."
"Hey, when you got it you got it, "smirked Mike.


The two began the climb that day.
"My hip hurts...this cold weather!"
The other two ignored him and climbed the mountain. At 10,000 feet up even Mike felt the pain go away instead focusing on not falling off the cliff and killing himself. They saw goats and an occasional chipmunk and the like. As they climbed up they felt lightheaded and tired.
"Man, I'm out of shape, 'said Jason.
"My hip hurts, "snapped Mike.
"No s-t, "said Tim Wakefield.
They trekked to the inside of the top feeling relief at arriving at the end. The air was so warm inside. The crystals from their beards melted.
"My hip hurts."
"My back hurts, "said Tim.
"I feel...oh man I feel nauseous."

The three,after some routine pictures headed down the mountain. They walked until they could walk no more and made it to the large restaurant...now that the stove was busted. They all looked pale and yellow.
"I don't feel so good, "said Jason.
Soon the three ran into the bathroom and sent their breakfast and lunch into the toilet. Large moaning sounds reverberated in the room. A man ran out and said,
"You won't believe this. In that bathroom is Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield and they're throwing up all over the place. "
Minutes later the three walked out of the bathroom looking pale, exhausted and tired.
"I...will never...camp again....", said Mike Lowell.
"I'm never...going...to...camp again, 'said Tim Wakefield.
"Anybody hungry, "asked Jason Varitek.

The two looked at him before running back into the restroom.
.
After dinner they ran to the van, got inside, bulleted out of Yellowstone and headed for the airport but not before they took all their camping equipment and ran over it again and again on the road until it was all completely crushed.

Camping

The veterans of the Red Sox organization - Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield all planned a camping trip together among the isolated woods of Wyoming. It was a last goodbye for Mike Lowell who wanted to experience the great outdoors before retirement. It was a cold October night in Wyoming. They were staying in backcountry against the wild forests of Wyoming.
They had flown in and bought their camping equipment along with rental vehicles and headed to the great outdoors.
It was 7:00 pm and already dark when the crew arrived at the site. There were trees everywhere and the air was clean and fresh. The group got out with a less than enthusiastic look on their faces.
"How in heck did we take four hours to find this place, "snapped Mike Lowell who's hip was in pain from the damp air.
"Hey, we're roughing it right, " said the leader Jason Varitek. "No GPS's, no cell phones, no tvs, etc. We're back to nature."
"My hip wants a hotpad, "snapped Mike.
"Come on, let's get the tent up, "said Tim Wakefield looking tired and sore.
They had everything unwrapped and started looking at the directions. The tent lay flat on the ground. Poles and ropes lay everywhere in unsorted piles with no attempt at organization. Mike read the directions out loud.

"Place the long poles J1x and K1x with red dots perpendicular to door Vx1 of the tent X1 aligning the tapered ends T1 and T2 opposite to the connections on the hub PX2-z and then connect the poles J1x and K1z using the spring lock mechanism HRx located in the hub H1-x12 after first sliding the poles J1z and K1x through the sleeves S1r and S2r on the tent. Be sure not to put too much pressure maintaining a steady aim while connecting the perpendicular pieces to the hub Px2-z."
Mike paused, looked up and said, "what the f-k?"
Tim sighed and said, "perpendicular...hmmm...I remember that from school."
"Ya, and I remember weggies, but that don't help us here!, "snapped Mike.
"OK, calm down, "snapped Jason...first let's align the poles perpendicular to the door...ah, does anyone know where the door is on this tent?"
The three scanned around the tent walking in circles in an almost military formation.
"OK, we've done this three times...so where's the door?" yelled Mike.
Both sighed. "OK, let's take a guess. The stakes...ha, get it...stakes...you know like tent stakes."
The crickets began chirping.
"OK, that wasn't that funny, "said Jason.

(fifteen minutes later)

"OK, now connect the dotted poles to the long tapered ends of the angles poles J and K while ensuring that connection Q lines up with connection AZ parallel to the tent door while inserting poles J and K in sleeves ZA and ZB...oh crap...I give up."

(fifteen minutes later)

"Now connect poles J and K to spring locks XVB and XVC which are facing the ground. Place then at 60 degree angles to ensure alignment with ends J1 and J2 which are attached to J and K...this is insane. How in hell can anyone put a f-king tent up, "snapped Mike Lowell throwing the instructions to the ground.
"Calm down, "said Jason. "Consider the fact that we're basically dealing with geometry..."
"Hell no, "yelled Mike. "We're dealing with a guy with a mental complex! Nobody's gonna figure this out."

(two hours later)

"I can't believe we got those stupid poles up. This thing must be 8 feet high. How in hell are we gonna get the rain covering on that! I'm sure there's some trick."snapped Mike.
"Mike, we're almost done here. Now what's next Mike, "said Jason,
"Attach rain flap to top of...oh sh-t, "snapped Mike. "How am I supposed to do that. I'm not eight feet tall!"
"Let me see that, "snapped Jason.
"Attack rain flap to top of poll ensuring a smooth and consistent covering. Using connections XZ-1 and XZ-2 which are aligned wit the surface of...man, I have a headache."
Jason tossed the instructions down.
"Who needs a rain flap anyway! Tent is finished!"
"I'm hungry, "said Tim.
Jason sighed. "Good thinking. I'll get the stove ready. I was told it was easy assembly."
Mike just hit his head against a tree.
(minutes later)

"Attach the stove connection ZTR-QE parallel to the orifice ZTR while ensuring not to cross thread the attachment's end ZTR-QD before attaching the propane bottle in a clockwise direction parallel to the orifice. "
Mike took a gulp of beer.
"I see Mr. Lobotomy wrote the same instruction manual for..."
"Will you shut up, "yelled Jason. "I can't tell which end of ZTR do I use. Do I use ZTR-QE or ZTR-QD...s-t this is insane."
"How about we just start a camp fire?"
Everyone agreed.

(twenty minutes later)
"Just great Jason. We can barely put a tent up and can't light a stove and now this campfire looks like David Ortiz's cigar. "
Jason sighed. "I'm sorry guys. I'd thought this would be a nice time!"
Mike sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I just didn't expect to do so much thinking."
Tim coughed and then dumped some gasoline on the fire. A blast of hot fire burst through the air setting Mike's hair on fire.'
"Oh s-t. Help!"
Mike then ran down to the lake and dumped his hair on the water. A loud scream followed as the water was about 30 degrees farhrenheit.

(twenty minutes later)
"Cold...I'm so cold...and so hungry, "said Mike in a squimish voice freezing in the sleeping bag in the tent. With the scalding burns on his head and the loss of hair, he was utterly burning with cold.
"Need rain flap, "said Jason in desperation.
"will get cccc...colder, "said Tim shivering.
"Hate...this...trip, "said Jason shivering.
"We have to setup the tent...flap...use..."
"Hotel, "said Tim. "We need a hotel and we need...it...now."
"What...what if...we just use our own bodyheat, 'said Jason. "Curl up together and warm ourselves up! You know the boyscout manual says get naked and get in one sleeping bag. Should we try that?"
The two raised their necks and starred for a long time at Jason.
"Or...not, "said Jason.
A pause came as white flakes came down from the overhead of the tent.
"Is...that...snow? "asked Jason.
"Looks like snow, "said Mike in monotone.
"Tastes like snow, "said Tim.
A pause followed as more and more snow fell on the sleeping bags.
"We should have put up the rainflap, "said Jason.
"Not possible, "said Mike. "Tent...impossible to put...together...takes special training and...a degree...from college."
"Getting...colder...snow burn my...skin."

The three flung from their beds. They ran outside forgetting shoes and grabbed the flap. Mike threw it over the top of the tent and watched it slide gently to the ground on the other side of the tent. Tim Wakefield grabbed it and threw it on top watching it slide to the other side of the tent. Jason grabbed it and threw it on top. Mike grabbed and end. Jason grabbed the other end and both pulled it until it slid down gently from the top of the tent and fell to the ground. Tears began to flow from everyone at the tent.
"Madness." said Tim.
"To the van, "screamed Mike.
The three then ran into the large rental van and fell inside like a pack of wolves.
Jason turned on the engine and blasted the heat. He then turned it off realizing the engine had no warmed up yet.
"bad...bad time, "said Mike so cold now his voice was shaking like the rest of his body.
In ten minutes the heat came on and everyone could feel parts of their body again.
"Jason, "said Mike.
"Ya."
"Did you...by any chance...leave our clothes in the tent so that...they will all get soaked in snow."
A pause followed.
"Maybe..."
"OK, "said Mike not caring at the moment.
"Arnie...let's call Arnie up. He'll know what to do, "said Jason.
They grabbed cell phones and discovered they had no signal but it didn't matter as the batteries were almost gone.
"We're going to die here aren't we, "said Mike.
"Yes, "said Jason not reacting to the question.
"Man we're wimps, "said Tim Wakefield.
"I put up...with Manny..Ramirez, put up with Dice-K and Julio Lugo. I am SO not a wimp."
Within minutes exhaustion had taken over. The three fell asleep and slept under the stars not realizing how bad their backs and necks would feel in the morning.

To be continued....

Lugo on Cops

A drive down a dark road with a cop car. Julio Lugo is driving.

"My name is Julio Lugo. In addition...to my 3:00 am talk show that has great ratings, I also am a Baltimore cop."

(Radio)
"Possible murder at 34th and wine. Over"

"Glad that's over. Anyway, I like being a cop. It's very rewarding for me. Sometimes people go to me and say get the f-k out of here but most of the times they just ignore me...oh, my cell phone is ringing."

(Cell phone)
"Lugo you moron. Get over to 34th and wine. You have a murder. Didn't you hear the radio."

"Apparently, there has been yet another murder at 34th and wine and this one isn't over. "

Lugo drives over to the scene.

"Oh man this is nasty. Yuck! Well what we have here is a murder. "

A cop walks up to Lugo.

"Hey, where ya been? We're looking for the murder weapon."

"Did you check under the car."

"Ya..."

"Did you check on the roof?"

"Ya..."

"Well...I'm out of ideas."

The other cop sighs and the radio on Lugo's head set kicks in.

"Any officer available. Argument at 45th and Vine. Over."

"Man why do they keep calling us when its over. So pointless! Stupid Baltimore police...ah, you're not filming that are you?"

(Later at the scene)

"OK, now that I know 'over' means the end of the radio, I guess I can understand why I keep getting put on report every night. Gee...anyway, we have a man and a man and the man...what's his name hit the other...man what's his name."

(At the scene)

"What's the problem man!"

"That man hit me. He hit me all over. I want him in jail!"

Lugo nods.

"Aren't you going to arrest him?"

Lugo walks over to the man.

"Did you hit him?"

"no!"

Lugo throws up his hands.

"WHAT ABOUT THE BLACK EYE AND THE BRUISED LIP YOU MORON!"

"He fell down the stairs...officer Lugo and I'm a big fan of yours on the Orioles and I love your talk show."

Lugo accepts the $50 put in his hands.

"Well sorry man but its clear this guy didn't do anything."

"AHHH! " screamed the other man.

(Later)

"That was a messy situation. He says he didn't do it and he says he did it. How am I supposed to tell and then the guy slips me a $50 and I'm like, this guy is a nice guy. I mean then he gives me his gold watch and its a nice one. What can I do? I mean, you don't turn down presents! Then the other man gives me $75 dollars and at the end of the hour, both of them give me $200 dollars and a gold watch and a nice wool sweater. I gotta tell ya, I like Baltimore."

"They bribed you?"

"No, of course not. I never accept bribes. So OK so I guess the case is closed."

Join us next time for another episode of Lugo -> Cop!

2010 Overview

Hello, I'm Joe Derive. With the 2010 season looming, everybody was excited at another stellar job with Theo Epstein and the Red Sox.
After an incredible season of 2009, the Sox turned to Theo and Theo delivered in 2010. After dumping all star shortstop Alex Gonsalez who had a banner year, Theo wisely unloaded this waste of material in favor of Mark Scutaro who showed up right away why he was the better choice.

(in-game annoucement)

"The ball is grounded out to Scutaro who throws it away flying the ball way past Kevin Youkilis. This is the one-a-day affair of bad throws. Man he sucks. Where is Alex Gonsalez."

Clearly the showing of Mark Scutaro showed everyone in New England why Theo Epstein is the genius of Boston.
Now Theo wasn't done there. He realized that the Sox needed pitching and turned to a new ace in John Lackey who showed everyone why he is the best in the league.

(in game announcement)

"Line drive base hit. That'll score two more runs and the Sox are behind 9 - 0 thanks to another fruitless John Lackey effort who can't seem to find the strike zone, strike out a batter, or for that matter, throw to first base. Man he sucks."

Realizing that John Lackey needed some support in runs and hits, he turned to the battering ram of Mike Cameron. The 38 year old showed us all why he's the heart of the Red Sox order.

(in game announcement)

And Cameron is out again with a hernia and it looks like he's out for the season forcing the Red Sox to pick from their farm system. He's hardly played this season. Unbelievable. Another brilliant move by Boy Genius Theo Epstein. Man, can he pick em'.

The brilliance of Theo Epstein continued to flow like molasses sticking to the side of a hot road...errr...that doesn't make any sense. Anyway, the Terminator himself, Adrian Beltre showed us all why he's the best in the game."

(in game announcement)

"A high popup and, and, oh no. He crashed into Jacobe Ellsbury and Ellsbury is clearly in pain. Looks like he might have broken a rib. What was Beltre thinking? "

(in game announcement)

A high fly ball and...no, no...Beltre crashed into Hermida and now he's walking away in pain. That's after Beltre threw the ball away instead of just throwing to first base. What is this s-t? This guys a moron! Way to go boy Genius"

All efforts worked out exceedingly well and Theo Epstein shined with once again like having J.D. Drew out there showing us all why he's the best in the game.

(in game)

"It appears that Drew is out of the game...something about heat exhaustion...even though its 75 degrees out and cloudy. I understand he's also going on the D.L. because of a burn on his tongue from hot sauce...I mean...how do you pay this guy!"

All in all, the Red Sox were a tough team to beat. Unfortunately because of injuries and a curse setup by Julio Lugo on being left out of the team, the Sox faltered and decayed despite the great defense efforts of the entire team.

"Ground ball to Beckett and he...he throws it away. Can't anybody throw to first base. I though this was grammar school. I can't believe this.

Everybody looks forward again to next year as Theo already is talking about dumping garbage like Clay Buckhotz, who while honored as the best pitcher of the game, is not fit for the Red Sox. Then there are players like Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis who are clearly on their way out. Fortunately we have David Ortiz.

"Ground ball to second and a double play as David Ortiz once again hits to the shift and looks like a guy still trying to get a square peg into a round hole. The Sox only chance at a rally and Ortiz again blows it. What an idiot!

OK, I was paid a ton of money to do this so forgive...Joe Derive.

A Day In the Life of John Farrell

8:30 am

A boiling mad John Lackey stormed into John Farrell's office. He had lost the game blowing an early lead. He was very angry it seemed considering the rocket launcher he carried in his arm.

"I hate BOSTON. They say Lackey no have CONTROL! I have control of my temper. I show them with my bazooka! Blow their heads off."

John waved his hands into the air.

"They were talking about your pitching control...Johnny. They were not talking about your temper."

Johnny let down his bazooka.

"Oh, OK. I don't care about that. You guys pay me even if I suck which is most of the time. Have you seen my mommy?"

"We all know that Looney Johnny, "forcibly smiled John Farrell.

"OK, I'm done now. You seen my sippy cup?"

"Bye Johnny."

John signed and leaned back at his desk. Clay Buckhotz came in.

"Johnny, them guys on the team offered me 160 proof whiskey. They say it's gonna make me smarterer. My Daddy says that with my intelligence, I shouldn't consider getting drunk. Might damage whatever gray matter I have left."

"That's good advice Clay."

"Then...I should..."

"no, no, no. No alcohol of any sort for you. You need to avoid that. Just remember...LUGO!"

"Oh ya...thanks John."

Clay left the place. John watched the steam from his coffee travel up a path to the ceiling. He was tired. The team was a bunch of nutcases.

"John!!! I need more of those erection pills..."

"You mean...stimulation pills Andrian....stimulation pills."

<< FLASHBACK <<

"Gotta get that ball....It's mine. John gave me pills...gotta...crap I broke Ellsbury's ribs."

<< FLASHBACK <<

"Gotta get that ball...it's mine. John gave me stimulation pills...gotta...crap I broke Hermida's ribs."

>> PRESENT TIME >>

"I really don't think you need that anymore Beltre. People are afraid to be near you on the playing field."

"But...I need it. I feel so worn out and draggy all the time. "

"Adrian, you're draggy is everyone else on caffeine pills. You make Daffy Duck seem lethargic."

(long pause)

"That means you make Daffy Duck seem boring to watch."

"OK well I can deal with that. OK...I'm OK "

The door closed.

"I gotta find me a new job."

Theo walked in sitting down.

"For next year, we need to keep John Lackey. He's exceeded expectations in subtle ways. We need to get rid of Clay and Lester. I feel we can trade them for a big bat like Jeff Mathis of the Reds. He may be considered the worst player in the league right now but I feel that we need to outbid ourselves and get him. "

"Clay and Lester are the best pitchers of our staff."

"They will ask for too much money. We can't keep them and expect to afford great players like J.D. Drew."

"Excuse me Theo, I feel a headache coming on."

"I think I know the problem. You're upset that I want to trade Daniel Bard for Scott Olsen who has a 2 and 9 record and that's not enough to guarantee a trade. Don't worry, I threw in Jonathan Papelbon to guarantee it. "

"Theo, I have a press conference in ten minutes."

"OK...bye."

>> Ten Minutes Later

"John, how do you feel the pitching staff is shaping up to be this year."

"Ah..."

"John, how excited were you at the John Lackey purchase and do you now feel it wasn't worth the money."

"Ah....

Share

"John, why is Tim Wakefield being treated so poorly by a team that once honored him."

"Ah..."

>> LATER

John sat back in his office.

"That went well, " he thought to himself.

The phone rang.

"Great press conference, John...maybe next time you'll actually answer a question or two!"

John only had one thing to say... "Ah..."

Friendlies Ad

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo and I...ah...what do I say?"

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo and I..ah...damn I think I talk about corn flakes?"

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take three."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo. I play for the...ah...Sox or I think...oh ya my butt's itchy."

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take four."
"Hello I'm Julio Lugo and I love Friendly's bacon double apple cheese stick fries chocolate...oh crap I'm confused."

"So are we...you're FIRED!"

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Johnny Damon."
"I'm Johnny Damon and i'm making love to this new double cheeseburger sandwich so come on over to my private place and we can share quiet time with my cheese and my...."

"Hey...this is family friendly Damon! OK.

"Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two. Johnny Damon."
"I'm Johnny World Series Hall Of Famer , you know the guy you go to and come inside of when you're head him. Mmmm don't you want it?"

"OK...we're done here."
"Can I sit on the couch and show you my..."
"NO!"

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Manny Ramirez."
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. When I play for the Red Sox...oh ya, I left those losers. "

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two. Zazu"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and when I play for the Dodgers...oh ya they fired me. Hey how could they do that. I quit! I'm tired of those bunch of losers!"

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take three Zazu!"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and...oh crap...who da f-k do I play for now?"

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take four. Zazu"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and I play for the Chicken Indian...oh s-t. I dumped them when I went to the Crap Sox...crap I hate this place and I hate this ad. This play blows. "

"GET OUT"

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Roger Clemens."
"Hi, I'm Roger Clemens and I deny ever taking a Friendly's sandwich or anything else for that matter. I'm a hall of fame pitcher and I say screw this stupid sandwich and...'

"Get OUT of here!."

"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take fifteen. Bud Selig."
"I"m rather be castrated that appear in this stupid ad for some lard butt sandwich..."

"You know folks...maybe baseball isn't the best spokesman for a commercial. Let's try Paris Hilton. She can't be any worse. "

Jeopardy with Lugo, Damon and Zazu

"Hello everyone. I'm Alex Trebeck and this is celebrity jeopardy. We have today three great stars of today's game. First, Julio Lugo of the Baltimore Orioles..."

"Ha, " laughed Johnny Damon. "Star...ya right. Star of the laundry room!"

"OK...let's keep this civil. Then we also have Zazu, known as Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers..."

"LOOSER...wait I'm hurt...oweee...I'm Zazu...oh the pain..., "laughed Johnny Damon.

(pause)

"OK, finally, we have..."

"Johnny Damon...the man who guarantees World Series rings to any team that gets him, is a future Hall of Famer...first vote, is humble, lovable and has a new Johnny Damon doll where you strokc my ego to get me to work...if ya know what I mean. Ya get it? Stroking?"

"I got it Johnny. You have proven you have the mind of a twelve year old. OK..."

"Alex I just want to say..."

"SHUT UP, "snapped Lugo and Zazu.

"OK, we have the categories..."

(BEEP)

"You don't beep in until I tell you too Johnny."

"Considering I'm the only one who can get any of this...why don't we just give me the money now."

"Where's a stiff drink when you need one. Now, categories are...Literature, History, Math, Baseball, Art and Science...go ahead ...Johnny."

"Asshole, "snapped Lugo.

"I'll take Science for $500 Alex."

"It's the elementary particle that protons and neutrons are made out of."

"Well...considering they're that tiny, I'd say Lugos' #$##$"

"#$#$ you ass#$#$. I'll kill you right now with my paperclip!"

"Everyone calm down. Now Johnny, how does anyone put up with you. You're a total...no I won't say it. Now answer the #$#$ question."

"OK, the answer is...ah...I...ah...du...ah..."

"Sorry Johnny. You took to long. Anybody else?"

"What are beads?, "snapped Julio Lugo.

"OK, why don't we try another category. Here...I'll pick. How about baseball for $100. It's the pitch that doesn't go in straight but breaks its path and curves."

(long pause)

"Oh come on. Nobody can be this dumb! It's a curveball. Got the HINT. Curves! How can you all be that stupid!"

"Hey Alex, you're kinda being insulting here, 'snapped Zazu. "It's not I NEED the money here. I'm mean I'm Zazu. I don't even have to play the game to get millions like this year where I'm on the disabled list all the time or last year where I tested positive for steroids. Ow...I'm on the D.L. again. Hey where's my fifty two million dollars...HA!...ok I guess that wasn't that funny."

"All right...I've had enough. Let's just meet the players. "

"It says here Johnny that you like posing like a porn star for your website johnnydamon.com because you actually like looking like a total idiot all the time instead of most of the time."

"What? Is that what it says?"

"No its what I say and its the truth!"

"Oh, OK...well I buy the God of baseball considering I'm a first write-up hall of famer who will go down with Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb and Ted Williams..."

"As a big fat jerk? Now shut up! Can you do that manure mouth!"

"Hey did you hear what he said to me!

"Oh not to be outdone in the lobotomy department, we have Zazu who knocks down travel agents, burns bridges with everyone he plays for and still collects a paycheck. I love LA right Zazu but I see that's not true anymore. Why will you screw next? How about Seattle? Hey do you think I'm giving you a hint Zazu!"

"Alex, I've repented. I found God...or actually see myself as God so I'm OK with myself now."

"Holy s@#$! Are you serious? Are you some kind of nutcase? You're God? What's Johnny, The arch angel Michael?"

"Hey I am not anybodies b-#$h especially Zazu!"

"That picture will now stay in my head as my worst nightmare Johnny!"

(pause)

"OK finally Julio Lugo runs his own radio show called the Julio Lugo show is that right?'

"Hey, why aren't you insulting him?"

"Because he doesn't fill the room with hot air. You two call yourselves role-models? You're a disgrace to the game. You know what...I quit. I'm done. I can't put up with you two! To think kids look up to you! The Beavis and Butthead of the baseball world. Look, I'm hitting my head with a hammer... but that's OK because I'm Zazu! No wait, look I'm setting fire to the set because I can put it out all on my own and still single-handedly stop a volcano from flowing because I'm Johnny Damon."

A pause.

"Not only that Alex but I can change the orbit of earth with just a thought from my brain!, "smiled Damon.

"I'm going home. "

"I'm going to decide what team wants me next year to win a world series, "said Johnny.

"Ah...I'm thinking about my hall of fame speech after I sign with the Yankees next year. They only pick superstars not hasbeens, "smiled Zazu.

"So why are they picking you Zazu "snapped Damon!

"You're dead Damon!" snapped Zazu.

"How can you kill a god "snapped Damon.

(fight ensues)

"Portions of Jeopardy are brought to you by the Zazu doll company. Zazu, making high quality radioactive leaking dolls for families everywhere and by the Damon company. Making egos that refuse to face reality. "

Lugo and Damon part II

"Lugo has a bruised rib, Lugo has a sore jaw, Lugo is injured but don't worry folks he still can't play any better....and now he has his show."

"Who writes these jingles? I mean if you never hear this show and hear this jingle, I sound like an idiot. I'm not an idioter."

"Anyway, we have Johnny Damon back again on the Lugo show talking about why he decided to stay with the Tigers. In case you hadn't heard, Damon was offered a place on the Red Sox but turned it down."

"Ya hey Lugo. Sorry about beating you up but someone I want you to know that ants can be challenging sometimes...just not with Johnny Damon."

"Just answer the question."

"OK well, I went to everyone in the clubhouse and they all begged me to stay on their hands and knees. I got lots of "please don't kill me and my family" so I decided that it was best that I stay with the team since I was their most popular player. Besides when I'm on the team I can bring them to a world series easily and besides, I hate to have the rocker launcher get overheated. "

"Ah...did you threaten them?"

"No what gave you that idea...LUGNUTS! Ha, Johnny Damon makes jokes. Ha, I'm sending this show into the sky with high ratings."

"Ya, you're high all right. OK well you still feel angry at the Red Sox."

"No I'm over that. Just because they didn't want me back offering me a $40 million dollar contract...I mean the average loser American makes about $25 million a year so why should Johnny want more than that?"

"Ah...the average American makes about $50,000 a year...if they're lucky."

"Holy #$#$. Are you serious? Man how can you live on $50,000 a year? Do they live in caves? Wow, that's so sad. I had no idea most Americans live in poverty."

"That's average."

"Ah...ya...Lugnuts...so tell me, how can you live on $50,000 a year?"

"Do you even know what average means and stop calling me LUGNUTS!"

"If the name fits?"

"ANSWER the question!!!!"

"I make tons of money every year. I can hire people to figure that out. "

"So you don't know what average means in math!"

"Of course I do Lugo. Average means the average...guy. It means that...you know what everyone makes that isn't Johnny Damon...like...is that it?"

"I can't believe I'm smarter than you."

"Ya, neither can I Lugee."

"OK...let's take some calls for Johnny Damon since I've had it with this moron."

"Ya, Johnny. I think you're a #$#$#$ and a #$#$#4 and a #$#$#. BYE!"

"Well he makes $50,000 a year and I make millions. Bored!"

"That's it Damon. They're still people who work their asses off. I'm breaking your head open with this pencil!"

"Oh...the ant fights again...BORING"

"Lugo is going, Lugo is going, Lugo is going to the hospital now."

"Portions of this program are brought to you by the Damon fund. His funding is not average, it's ABOVE average like his Grand Canyon ego."

Johnny Damon on the LUGO show!

"Lugo is a loser, Lugo is a loser, Lugo is a loser and now he has his own show!"

"Evening everyone. Fortunately, I'm not upset by these stupid theme songs. Anyway, Johnny Damon is here with us in the studio. Hey Johnny."

"Glad to be here Julio. I know you're probably in awe of me and all, most people are but I'm just a regular guy."

"Ya well...anyway, are you going back to the Red Sox for six weeks."

"Well I don't know. I keep thinking that the Sox giving away a top prospect will help out the Tigers and then I look at the Red Sox. If the Sox want to win the World Series this year, they will need me aboard. I'm the only reason why any team will get to the playoffs but that's just my opinion based on the obvious facts."

"So ya well, you really have a lot of confidence in yourself."

"Hey, when the Yankees decided that they didn't want to win a World Series in 2010, there were so many other teams that wanted me to get that goal. "

"Ah the Tigers aren't even playing at 500. Does that tell you something?"

"Hey, they would have won one game and lost 161 games this year if they didn't have me on their team. Don't you understand...and its not like Julio "loser" Lugo does anything but collect paychecks and ask stupid QUESTIONS!"

"I'm just asking a question...MORON. I can see why you wouldn't play in Boston. The plane wouldn't be BIG enough to hold that swelled head of yours to land at Logan Airport!"

"Last time I checked, who is playing for the WORST team in baseball...STUPID LOSER"

"You know Johnny, I have a .306 OBP"

"Oh wow! J.D. Dumbbell Drew gets an OBP of .357 and he's had 376 at bats. You have 214 at bats and everyone knows DREW SUCKS!"

A pause.

"Aw...did I hurt little Lugo's feelings. Do you need your MOMMY now!"

"I'm going to bash your head in Damon. You're dead meat and when I get through with you I'll D.L. the rest of the season and collect my pay...#$#$"

"Oh wow, do I detect that Julio Lugo is being a dunce!"

(fight ensues)

"Lugo is going, Lugo is going, Lugo is going and the hospital welcomes him."

Portions of the Lugo show were brought to you by Johnny Damon's ego. An ego to cover the world and save humanity."

World's Dumbest Criminal

"Welcome, welcome, welcome...welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the Lugo SHOW!"

"All right well we have live on the phone from Sing, Sing Prison...the world's dumbest criminal Joe Bristolson. Hey Joe"

"Hey Julio. How's it goin?"

"Probably better than you I think. I'm not in prison. No offense but I'm not a loser!"

"I don't know Julio. I've seen your player stats. "

"Anyway, let's talk about you and your criminal career."

"Ya well, things haven't been going as planned. I started with a convenience store robbery. We stuck paper bags over our faces so ya, know, nobody sees us but that didn't work out well."

"Why is that?'

"We sorta forgot to put in eye holes in the bags. I know that seems obvious but in the middle of a crime, you don't think about those things. Anyway, musta knocked over about five shelves but the worst was the cooking oil...I fell all over the floor and that's when I took that retarded paper bag off my head."

"Exposing yourself to the camera. Good thinking. And that's when they arrested you right?"

"Not...exactly. Ya I did take off an all, but not before we got the safe."

"You stole the safe?"

"Sort of...it was heavier than we thought so we dragged it to the parking lot and I used my pickup truck to drag it home. Guess the cops kinda thought that was a little weird specially since they spotted my truck so easy. Stupid flashing neon lights. What was I thinking and then ya know with license plates that say "RedSox-1...ya that kinda gave us away."

"So...you went to jail?"

"Ya, ya, I sorta did but I did escape. Four hours of freedom!"

"What happened?"

"Well my girlfriend wanted some support at her trial so I drove to the courthouse. That wasn't my brightest moment. Sorta like everything you step to the plate."

"OK, first stop making fun of me. Second, you DROVE to the courthouse. Are you insane? You were spotted right away right?"

"Well ya I suppose. Wouldn't have been a problem but I kinda stole the car. I mean, I wasn't gonna take the bus or something. That's crazy. I could be ID'd"

"Why not drive to the police station and hang a sign over your head!"

"Oh that's not how I got charged! I almost beat the stolen car thing."

"I can't wait."

"I was caught when I appeared before a lineup. Ya see I knew enough to wear gloves and a mask. Problem was when they all lined us up and the cop said "everyone say stick em' up." That wasn't what I said. I said "hands up."

"So"

"So I guess I shouldn't have shouted out "that's not what I said in front of everyone. Kinda gave me away."

"Ya I can see that."

"So anyway, five years later I get out."

"And you rob a bank."

'No I tried to rob a bank. I went in there and blew it. Rule number three. Make sure there are no cops in line when you try to rob a bank."

"What's rule number 2?"

"When you have a weapon in your pants pocket, make sure you can get it out of your pants pocket."

"And number one?"

"Make sure you ain't overweight preventing you from getting the weapon out of your pants pocket. Stupid ice cream bars. So now I'm stuck here...but I made sure I'm underweight. I have a lot of time to serve. So instead of making money from robbing a bank, I'm just making license plates. "

"How long are you in?"

"Well, I'm forty now so I got twenty years but I figure with good health I can get out at 60 and rob a bank. Gotta make a living."

"Ever thought about getting a real job?"

"I did after all if they pay you a boatload of money with your talent then they'll take me in a second."

"You're too old."

"No I ain't! I broke out of the prison. Wasn't easy but I'm free. I just two blocks from your station now Julio. Fortunately I'm using a stolen cellphone from some FBI agent instead of a payphone so they can't trace the phone. "

"Ya well...anyway...it's been nice talking to you."

"Crap they found me. Shouldn't have worn that Elvis Presley shirt but man it looked so cool with my glow-in-the-dark boots. "

"I gotta tell you. You are about the dumbest criminal I have ever met."

"Wow, that's something comin from you!"

"Oh well, join us next time on the Julio Lugo show."

"Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye...from the Julio Lugo Show."

"Portions of the broadcast are paid for by the Roger Clemens charity fund. The Roger Clemens charity fund has been denying being a front for steroid drug sales for over twenty years. "

The Lugo Show

"Here comes Lugo now, Here comes Lugo now, Here comes Lugo now and its 3:00 am in the morning and he's out of money!"

"All right everyone. Welcome to the Lugo Show and I have no guest tonight so...like (yawn) we're going to go straight to the phones. Here's Joe. Hey Joe"

"It all makes sense now. I see it clearly. Don't you see it? The new Freedom Tower in New York City is going to hold the spirits of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. Don't you see it but I'll stop them...I'll stop them."

"Sir, because I'm considered sane, it really makes it hard for me to understand this conversation but have a nice night. Hello you're on the air."

"Hello...are...you...suffering...from...erectile...dysfunction...then...call...1 800...555.2312...and...we'll."

"OK ...ah...ya well...please screen those #$#$ calls better. Ah...did you guys write down that phone number? Ah...never mind. Anyway...hello."

"My toe...my stupid toe hurts. Please make the pain go away. WAAAA!"

"Drew, this is the Lugo show. Can't we talk about this another time! Hello, you're on the air."

"My son is not gay anymore. I can't take it. Ever since he broke up with his girlfriend he isn't gay anymore and I find that very queer. Do you have any advice?"

"Ah...do you know...what the word gay...means?"

"Yes of course I do. It means you're not happy! Anybody knows that one"

"OK so I see you're not 'gay' about this situation with your son right?"

"Heaven forbid. I've been married for ten years. I am not a homosexual."

"You know this is the type of crap you get when you get a 3:00 am radio show. Me the star of the Baltimore Orioles. Anyway, hello you're on the air."

"Lugo...how in #$#$ hell can you have this stupid show on the radio and still play baseball for the Orioles. No wonder you stink! You're not getting enough sleep! You might actually be a quality player if you bothered to get rest!"

"Boss...ah...do you honestly think that more sleep will make me a better player."

(pause)
"Good point. See you in the morning."

"OK, now how's everyone (yawn) doing. OK, next call."

(heavy breathing)
"I want you...I want you so...OW...my hangnail. I can't take it. It hurts so much!"

"Drew get off the phone and that was not funny! Let's take another call...perhaps a sane one this time. Hello."

"Hello...............did.................................you.................know............................................."

"Get to the point!"

"you're............................right.........................to.................................................................."

"What?"

"Oh ya, it's a telemarketererer. OK well I knew that. Hangup. Anyway next caller."

"own...,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,a.......................gun..........................................is.........."

"Hang the #$#$ phone up...someone. Are you sure? OK...next caller."

"but.....................................you.......................................................can......................"

"Oh for @#$#$ sake. HANG UP!"

"Mommy! I want my mommy! My underwear is itchy."

"Ok now you're getting gross Drew. I mean it. Hang up."

"OK that's it for the Lugo Show. See you next time.

"Lugo is gone...gone...Lugo is gone, gone...Lugo is gone, gone and he's gone back to bed."

"Portions of the Lugo show are paid by the Zazu fund. The Zazu fund, funding the arts and getting sweet tax writeoffs."

The Lugo show

"Here comes Lugo...Lugo...Lugo and he's out of money at the end of this year!!!!"

"OK Everyone. Welcome to the Julio Lugo show! Having a great year with the Orioles. The manager said nobody washes underwear like I do. Anyway, we have our guest Theo Epstein! Hey Theo!"

"I'm writing!"

"OK I see you're on your medication again. So how do you feel this year has been for the Red Sox."

"It's been a goo...goo...good year!"

"Wow, I can see now why you hired me. So tell me any plans for next year?"

"I'm really planning hard. Do you like my Wookie?"

"I don't have to answer that do I?"

"My pants are wet!"

"Ah, there not actually paying you are they?"

"I'm going to the bathroom on your microphone! It's so shiny"

"You are just twisted Theo. That's a new microphone!"

(pause)

"OK let's take some calls?"

"Oh hey Lugo, my question is for you? Do you think with all that's going on...I mean like when I get up in the morning and examine my prostate do you think that this is...what I mean is that at work with my coworkers, we're all talking about layoffs and all but this year with the Red Sox in third place..."

"Sir, can you ask the question after you're done with your electro-shock treatments?"

"OK, we'll take another question!"

"Hi Lugo...I think big government is the big problem. If we had small government than we'd be better and therefore I propose tearing down the government buildings and rebuilding it so they're smaller."

"What has this to do with baseball! Man these 3:00 am shows are a bad idea! Listen, until next time...I'm Julio Lugo!"

Theo's hidden emails

Well, we've uncovered some startling emails from Theo Epstein. Here they are in full.

(2007: TEpstein@RedSox.com)

Tito, I'm really excited about having Eric Gagne on this team. I'm glad you're in full support of this decision. It will cost us a lot but so what right?

Theo

(2007: TFrancona@RedSox.com)

Theo, I never said I was in support of this decision. If anything, I advised you against it. This is a bad idea. Please reconsider. I'm begging you.

(2007: TEpstein@RedSox.com)

Tito...I am SO glad we talked this over. I was really struggling about this but with your amazing support for Eric Gagne, I feel we should sell our souls for this player. If it doesn't work out though, please remember this is all ON YOUR HEAD...Anyway, have a nice day.

Theo.

(2009: TEpstein@RedSox.com)

Tito...I don't EVER want another Lackey, Lugo, Bartolo, Drew, etc. trade...which is why I'm asking your opinion about John Lackey. Do you think I should pay him a ton of money?

Theo..

(2009: TFrancona@RedSox.com)

Theo...so many times I have given my recommendation and we seem to continually have misunderstandings on my resolution. As a man on blood thinners, I'm really sick of this...therefore, let me put it to you as plain as I can...GO TO HELL.

Tito.

(2009:TEpstein@RedSox.com)

Tito...glad you're putting your support to this project. I paid double what Lackey is worth but I feel its worth it based solely on your recommendation. Wonderful. I'm glad we're on the same page.

Tito.

(2010: TEpstein@RedSox.com)

Tito...once again your moves mystify me. Lackey is a disaster and lets not talk about having to continuously pay for Julio Lugo and D.L. Drew. I mean...what were you thinking?

Theo...

(2010: TFrancona@RedSox.com)

Theo...I'm so glad we agree on something and that is your moves have been disasters. Frankly a chimpanzee and two trained monkees have more brain power in their heads than in your body!

Tito...

(2010: TEpstein@RedSox.com)

Tito...glad we agree. Frankly your days are numbered in this organization if you keep making decisions like this. I'm considering not asking you for your feedback in the future. Sorry to be hard on such a loyal person as yourself but I have to.

Theo...

(2010: TFrancona@RedSox.com)

Theo...no problem. Frankly a firing will be a blessing. I would suggest having Dan Quayle or Sarah Palin manage this club...no, even better you do it. I'm sure the fans will really love to have you face to face with them.

Tito.

There you have it. I'm Joe Derive.

Incompetence

There is no other way of looking at it. The Red Sox have gotten as incompetent as the Yankees in payroll...perhaps moreso, failing to tap into their farm system and instead hitting the free agent market for short term fixes.
When you look at the 2007 team, it was Dustin Pedroia, not free agent J.D. Drew that carried the team. Jonathan Papelbon, not Eric Gagne carried the team and certainly a smart trade of Josh Beckett dominated where Dice-K languished and wore out the bullpen.
Teams that win World Series can do it on tons of cash flow but consider the Rays. They have a dominate farm system and have an almost laughable payroll compared to the Yankees but are just one game back compared to the billion dollar fund of New York. Do you need brains to hire C.C. Sebastia? No you don't but you certainly need brains to get the Rays to where they are as a team.
Its time that baseball become a game of intelligence instead of a game of money.

The Lineup?

Terry Francona walked into the ailing room of players. He was aided by Theo Epstein. Theo had this to say.

"OK, I just want to thank everyone for getting us this far. This is a great team. We have Jacobe Ellsbury in left field..."

Tito tapped Theo on the shoulder and said, "out with broken ribs....you know...Beltre!"

Theo recovered and said, "right...OK. Well anyway, we have Hermida playing left field..."

Tito grabbed him and whispered in his ear. "Beltre...broken ribs...Like Jacobe."

Theo recovered...again and said, "OK right...Nava???" Theo looked at Tito and nodded with anxiety.

"OK but we have Cameron, the rock in center field."

Tto nudged him and said, "Hernia...four days a week...you know."

"OK, but we have Drew in right."

Tito sighed and said, "you know...Drew...such a kidder."

Theo grabbed his hair barely tearing it from his skull.

"OK but what a great infield...Beltre at third?"

Tito nodded. Theo felt better.

"Then we have Scutaro at short and Dustin at second..."

Tito moved his head back and forth.

"Broken foot on Dustin, bruised arm on Youk."

Tito felt his head fall off.

"OK but Lowell."

"Hip, " interjected Tito.

"Beckett?"

"Back, "snapped Tito.

"Dice-K?"

"Shoulder, "snapped Tito.

"Clay?"

"Hamstring, "sighed Tito.

"Is anybody NOT hurt!"

Tito signed and left the room.

Elmer Epstein and the Astrologer

A Warner Brother's Cartoon

Elmer Epstein walked down the street thinking to himself. It was 2007.

"Boy, Mistah. Henwy weally wants me to make a weally gweat team this year."

"What's up Doc?" asked the scrawny, tall astrologer who looked strangely like a rabbit.

"What's up Doc. Boy Mr...what are you?"

"I'm an astrologer!"

"I don't really know much about science."

"You look like a man with a problem...and a low IQ."

"Gee, Mr. Astrologer, that's weally all twue. I'm weally scawed. Mistah Henwy wants me to make a gweat baseball team and I don't know what to do."

"Come in Doc. I can fix your problem."

Elmer enters the caldrin of the mysterious astrologer and sits down at the round table. I large crystal ball is centered at the table. The mysterious astrologer waves his hands and chants.

"Done!"

"What's done?"

Elmer was hit in the face with a pie.

"The pie of course Doc!"

Elmer wipes the cream pie off his face.

"Vewy funny."

"Ah doc, you're first purchase has to be Eric Gagne. "

"Eric Gagne! He's a loser. Nobody in their right mind would buy him."

"Exactly doc and that's why I came to you!"

"But that would mean sacwificing gweat fahm pwoswects (prospects) and losing a dwaft pick. "

"Ya doc, but that certainly would impress your boss."

Elmer thought about it and smiled.

"Boston Globe."
"Eric Gagne trade a disaster for Boston. Elmer Epstein laughing stock."

"Oh you stupid Astrologer. Now I look like a fool!"

"We know that Doc but what's your point."

"Pwease Mistah Astwologer. Who do I do next?"

"J.D. Drew."

"What, that man is always getting injuhed. The last twing I would do is be stupid and buy him!"

"Don't forget a multi year contract with tons of money. "

"OK Mistah Astwologer."

"Boston Globe."
"J.D. Drew a disaster. He can't hit, he can't stay healthy. Elmer a laughing stock."

"You stupid Astwologah. They ah all making fun of me...again!"

"Don't worry Doc. You're next pick is a sure winner."

"Julio Lugo. I don't know Mr. Astwologer. National league players don't always do well in the Amehican League!"

"Are ya sure Doc?"

"Boston Globe."
"When will Lugnuts Lugo leave. Elmer Epstein is at it again!"

Elmer burned with anger

"You stupid..."

"Hold on Doc. The last thing I want to do is ruin your team. Now how about this guy. Dice-K Matsuzaka. He's a winner if I ever saw one but you gotta dump money at him. "

"I don't know Mistah Astwologer. My last picks are so bad. I mean the Yankees ah not even intwisted in him. That's a clue since they nevah make mistakes like me. "

"Are you sure tubby?"

"Boston Globe."
"Another disaster by Elmer. Dice-K complains, is always injured and blames everyone around him..."

"That's it Mistah Astwologer. I'm thwough with you. Evwy pwediction you make, makes me a fool in Boston! Now I've lost Manny Ramirez too! Evwything is wong."

"Don't worry Doc. I know you're hurting. I'm here for you. Listen, have you heard about...John Lackey!"

"Now you'ah talkin' Mr. Astwologer. "

The Astrologer looks towards the camera.

"This is too easy."

"OK Doc. Buy him but a five year contract and make sure you have no clauses in it. "

"You're right Mistah Astwologah. I almost had no twust in you but I got it this time!"

Elmer jumped up and ran out. The astrologer took off his costume exposing a Yankee uniform.

"Ah, ain't I a stinker!"

Tito Francona Wants To Retire

It's not easy being Tito Francona. Lately, it's been very hard to be Tito Francona. Imagine a team like the 2010 Red Sox and Theo Epstein as your general manager.
"Wow, let's get rid of Justin Masterson for the great catcher Victor Martinez. Ya, he doesn't catch anymore but that won't affect him. Ya, that move certainly won't come back to haunt us. They don't call me Right-Move Theo for nothing!"

Somehow getting lung cancer from smoking didn't seem like a big deal to Tito anymore. Ya, he could continue smoking.

"Wow, Andrian Beltre really is an all star defensive player. He won't be making any errors for the Red Sox. Ya, I know what I'm doing Tito! They don't call me Crazy Theo for nothing!"

That's when Terry Francona decided he couldn't quit drinking.

"Wow, John Lackey will be great on this team! Certainly he won't lose game after game after game and cost us a ton of money! They don't call me Burn-The-Money Theo for nothing!"

That's when Terry Francona decided he couldn't quit popping pills.

"Wow, Boof Bonser. He will be our best arm in the bullpen. With a name like Boof, it, it just calls to me Tito. Do you know what I mean. I have to have him. "

That's when Tito decided he couldn't quit sniffing glue.

"Wow, let's get a 37 year old player and stick him in center field. Certainly Jacobe won't have a problem playing left field. It's not like an all star third baseman is going to break his ribs or something and even if it happens, certainly Mike Cameron won't get hurt. They don't call me Theo Gold-Mine Epstein for nothing. "

That's when Tito decided he couldn't quit setting his hair on fire.

"Wow, Dice-K was a great investment. Certainly he won't give us any problems in 2010. He's such a team player. He won't do things like give us an attitude and pitch like he's 80 years old. They don't call me Prophet-Theo for nothing!"

Somehow setting Theo's car on fire didn't seem like a bad thing anymore.

'Wow, Tito, we do all these great moves and the Sox don't play well. That's certainly not MY fault. They don't call me Slick Theo for nothing!"

That's when Tito decided to retire.

News and other Tidbits

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and you're probably wondering about all that's happening on the Red Sox. Here are the highlights.

"Julio Lugo's new cook book is to be called 'Losing Weight from Beyond the Grave."

Julio Lugo, former shortstop for the Red Sox published his first book of recipes which he co-authored with cooking show guru Arnie. Lugo, who suffered a major fatality after exploding the restaurant he was testing his recipies in called the book "my last hurrah." While Arnie's recipies are great, Lugo's include:

Chicken Fetish casserole
Shrimp Maggot Burgers
Hot Dog s with Rice and chocolate pudding

and other such combinations that made me want to lose weight.

"Boof Bonser Getting Tired of Practical Jokes."

Boof Bonser has to have a sense of humor otherwise he couldn't have dealt with a name like Boof Bonser but having the entire Red Sox team chuckle uncontrollably including Theo Epstein who actually smiled was too much. We all wish Boof well at his recovery at the insane asylum where everyone who treats him apparently breaks out in laughter so much that he has been unable to find a therapist to treat him. Boof recently changed his name to "Butthole Bonser and feels that will finally give him the dignity he deserves.

"Scott Boras Says Rib Cage Optional Accessory."

Scott Boras, known for his infinite compassion states that Rib Cages are overblown accessories and that Jacobe will function just find without one.
"Once he removes it the pain will be gone and he can play baseball again and I can get more money out of him.'
We all felt moved by Scott's compassion and wish Jacobe well in his decision. Scott, for once SHUT UP

"Adrian Beltre...Three Stooges A Role Model for him."
Adrian Beltre says that slapstick comedy was a great way to learn baseball.
"When I saw Curly do his stuff, I thought -- I can do that too!"
Beltre seems to be doing it every night compiling errors like mad. He fumbles, he can't throw and he can't catch and neither can Scutaro. They are being called the Fools Gold Twins but Theo likes to call them "Another great selection ".

I'm Joe Derive and I think I'm going insane as well.

Orioles complain about highlight reel

Baltimore, who lost 9 - 0 last night complained about their highlight reel.

"We got two double plays and that's it!"

MLB replied stating "well, we were trying to show something positive and with a shutout that makes it really hard."

Julio Lugo had this to say. "Focus on me. Ya, I'm on the bench but who gets paid $9 million to sit on the bench...from the Red Sox! Come on guys. Focus on me."

I'm Joe Derive.

Beltre enjoying new role as DL climbs

Andrian Beltre seems to relish his new role filling up the DL as fast as he can.

"It was something when I broke Ellsbury for the season and then Hermida. The rate I'm going, nobody's gonna want to play LF when I'm through with them."

Beltre a former snow plow driver says its just like shoveling snow.

"When I come up and see the guy coming I see broken ribs, contusions, anything I can inflict. It's a lot of fun."

Nobody found it fun when Beltre took out yet another outfielder but Beltre has his own perspective.

"I was always told that 3rd base also includes the entire left field so I play it as such. Most of the time I miss but when I make a connection I get that ball!"

Beltre has sent nervous players in the outfield. Tito Francona considered getting Lugo back to play left field.

"He can get injured anytime. We're paying him anyway."

Joe West's new hit single

"I'm an umpire but they call me Joe"
"I pick out the pitches and call them slow"
"I may be a fool or maybe a dolt
"But I got myself a union and a pension to match

Call me Joe West...the greatest umpire there is
Call me Joe West...I expect a worshiping crowd

"I find myself a missing a mistake or two
But I don't a care because I'm Joe West
I feel like a God so ya all can worship me
But Don't bow down because my belly won't see you

Call me Joe West...the greatest umpire there is
Call me Joe West...I expect a worshiping crowd

"I find myself quest..ioning my own brain
I can't a find it cause its too small
But I don't a care and I don't know
I'm just Joe West the greatest of all

Call me Joe West...the greatest umpire there is
Call me Joe West...I expect a worshiping crowd

Two Words - Jason Varitek

Have you noticed something in the wind -- the Red Sox are winning and winning big. Notice that everyone's ERA has plummeted. Notice that Jason Varitek is behind the plate again. Notice that the Rays were befuddled by Sox pitching. Suddenly John Lackey is pitching well.

To say that Varitek is a better catcher is understating it. Granted, Jason can't save bad pitching but he can make a good pitcher look great.

Consider Oki. V-Mart was calling all fastballs. That was an incompetent decision. Oki is a junk ball pitcher. He can't throw beyond the 80's but if you mix it up, Oki looks great out there.

Consider Delcarman. Suddenly Manny D. is pitching well as is Bard and Papelbon. It's amazing how well these guys are throwing with Varitek. I can honestly say that V-Mart is terrible at setting up the plate and calling the game. Varitek is significantly better in all categories. He's a great catcher.

Consider the circumstantial evidence. Lester, Clay, Shilling (almost), Dice-K (almost) all came close or threw no hitters. Varitek knows what he's doing and his loss this year has really hurt the Sox offensively. Sadly Varitek has been saddled with Beckett who can't find the plate and has no movement on his pitches.

When V-Mart comes back, I suspect the ERA is going to explode. I could be wrong. What do you think?

Theo concerned about team overperformance.

Theo Epstein likes to think he can build a team to his standards. His goal is to create a "bunch of idiots". From our interview, I'd say he's done it.

"That's how we won the 2004 World Series but having a bunch of idiots on the team. I like to think I'm the head idiot of that idea. "

Only Theo could admit he's an idiot with pride. Theo also said that the Sox are overperforming.

"When we dumped Justin Masterson, I knew that was key to crippling the team. I've tried over and over again to do that to create a winning team. Gagne was our biggest find. It was his pitching that got us the World Series. "

Gagne was a guy you brought in when you had an eleven run lead. Wow, this is humiliating. Still Theo thinks the Sox are really frustrating to watch.

"McDonald really became a superstar which is why I'm glad we're dumping him. With Cameron back and dumping the hot fielding Jacobe to left field, we can expect the Red Sox to have an abysmal outfield. I'm proud of what I've done to help this team out."

Theo credits the bullpen for his crowning achievement.

"Ramirez, Delcarman, Oki, Bard, less so, and Papelbon have all contributed to the worst bullpen for the Red Sox in a while and I'm really proud of that. I really do wish we had Gagne back but if the bullpen starts to look good, we'll dump the player. Bard shows signs of being traded but he can still lose a game. I'm glad for that."

The warped mentality of the Red Sox general manager has everyone stumped.

"David Ortiz helped us a lot in March and April but right now he's hitting too well. We'll have to dump him soon. I want a .150 hitter and I'm really good at finding them. Look at Lugo! He was my proudest achievement. I hated to see him go but I was so glad we dumped our last shortstop. He was terrific the way he hit and fielded. Scutaro is so much better and making us look like a bunch of idiots and Beltre is just fantastic. That's what I'm talking about. Let us not forget J.D. Drew. That overpaid, injury prone player is just what I'm talking about. Sure we could have a competent player but how can you have a bunch of idiots doing that!"

You have to wonder what comes next.

"Clay is going. That's a guarantee. We'll trade him but Lackey will get an extension. If he keeps pitching like crap he's our man. Dice-K will also get an extension. We like signing players that nobody wants. I just can't understand why other managers don't think like I do."

Here's a reason Theo, they actually want to win a game!

I'm Joe Derive.

Dice-K Writes Tell All Book!

Dice-K was in New York today to celebrate his new book "In My Life, My Greatness Speaks" at Barns and Noble book store. He was rather frustrated at the lack of fans signing his book and spoke frankly about it. I was rather grateful.

"I don't understand why the #$#$ people refused to want me to sign my book. I sat there for two hours and got one kid who wanted to know where the bathroom was. I only told him IF he bought a copy of my book! Mom wasn't happy but this could change the kids life."

Dice-K was frank about his experience with the Sox and it wasn't always kind.

"I think I had to be first and foremost honestly about my experiences. The Sox only won in 2007 because I played. Sure others helped but when you're that talented its really hard to admit how you pale in comparison to me. I think a lot of guys felt like they could never show how good they are because I could outshine all of them. I mean I try to keep humble but when you're that good do you need to!"

Dice-K talked about 2009 and his struggles as well as his struggles in 2010 as well as his struggles in 2008 and 2007.

"The Sox had no patience with me. Their training techniques, baseball design and park design all contributed to ruining me as a pitcher. I know a lot of Japanese players will come to America and struggle and there is a long list of people to blame. I have spent most of my time blaming everyone because when I look at myself I only see perfection so it has to be everyone else. "

Dice-K was frank, in a delusional sort of way about his experiences with the team.

"Sometimes Tito felt he couldn't manage the game and it was hard managing the team and playing in the 2007 World Series but I had to take over. He was just too stupid to figure things out. He needed me. I was willing to help but it was his fault that I was unable to pitch well because he did it. I also blame the audience for shouting too loud and the cold temperatures and Jason Varitek and Theo Epstein and television and the old spill and global warming and nuclear power and pollution for bringing me down. Its time America see that its all their fault and not mine. "

Dice-K described his pitching techniques.

"As a future Hall Of Famer and the greatest pitcher the game has ever known, I can encourage kids that if you can survive these impossible conditions in America you can achieve some greatness that is pale compared to mine of course. Look at me, even when I don't pitch at all they pay me money. That shows that its my presence alone decides if the team wins or loses. They treated me bad this year. My back pain happened because David Ortiz shouted too long and threw the back muscles off. I had to take a long vacation just to recover. I'm not sure how long I can survive in this league.

Dice-K also talked about what he needs to succeed.

"First, I need to own the team and make all decisions. Second, I need a permanent home on the water. Third, I need a personal jet and a personal chef. Fourth, I need to be worshiped as a deity. Finally, it is Dice-K and the rest. That is how you need to know me. "

I'm Joe Derive and I'm going to leave before I personally kill this idiot.

You have to feel bad for Tito

Terry Francona is enduring a lot this year. He really is enduring a bunch of players at the point of exploding at each other. In the Boston Globe today the Red Sox were reported as a frustrated and angry team. The results are horrible.

Tim Wakefield
Tim is frustrated and who can blame him. He's been relegated to the pen for Dice-K who consistently won't get along with anyone. Tim is angry and he should be.

Dice-K
Dice-K claims he know why he's struggling but won't reveal it. He won't work with the team on anything and continues to play poorly. So far he's soaking the Sox dry and for sure when his contract runs out he's made his money. He won't get along with his catcher or the team. The report in the globe was vial against Dice-K. He can either go back to Japan or surely the Mets will sign him. They sign anyone.

Mike Lowell
Mikey has been fed up and who can blame him. He's stuck and with David hitting he's boiling over.

David Ortiz
He's a great guy for bringing a team down. He's been bitter and argumentative and only recently has he contributed.

Mike Scutaro, Adrian Beltre
There must be some Julio Lugo in both of them. Even on the road they can't make the plays. Scutaro gave up three runs with his costly mistakes and there is no end in sight. Beltre continues to show us that a Julio Lugo should have stayed with the team. It would have been cheaper.

So the next time you feel frustrated with Tito, remember he puts up with a lot of crap from the team. He really does.

This is NOT funny is it

To think that the Red Sox would possibly consider this a winning season would be delusional at best, wishful thinking at worst. This team feels like the 1978 Red Sox, the team that choked. The team that broke your heart over and over again and you came back for more. How did this happen?

THEO EPSTEIN

Let's go around the horn starting with catcher.

Catching
We traded away Justin Masterson, a fine pitcher with a good head on his shoulder. He would have been a very good choice over Dice-K but we lost him. Instead we got a catcher who can't throw out runners, can't block the plate, can't manage a pitcher and can't seem to hit. V-Mart, in fairness is better than this (hitting wise). Catching is weak. Jason Varitek is not behind the plate enough. We need him.

First Base
Youk is a player that most teams would envy. It is hoped that Theo will realize that because he's got a gem.

Second Base
You can't find a better man for 2nd base than Dustin.

ShortStop
Theo Epstein seemed destined to destroy that position when in 2007 the Red Sox won despite Julio Lugo who couldn't hit, couldn't field and couldn't throw and yes he's with Baltimore now. We had a great shortstop, actually several, but Theo had to keep tinkering until he made it a joke last year. Now we have Scutaro (ScatterThrow). He's better now and I think he'll be OK.

Third Base
Well, he can hit, I'll give him that. He can't field or throw and doesn't come across as a man I'd trust with any degree of ability but he's getting better. We had a great one in Mike Lowell. I miss him out there.

Left Field
Choose a variety of arms out there and we have a combination of Beavis and Butthead. We had Zazu and then Bay and now Cameron (hurt) and how Hall and the others showing us that playing the game is hard. That's a nice way of describing what we see out there isn't it.

Center Field
Jacoby might be gone. We'll see but certainly we have great talent to replace him as we have already seen. Junk might be the better word. Theo has turned the outfield into a screwball comedy.

Right Field
Theo described Drew as subtle. You don't dump money on a player for subtle. Drew is a disaster. We had a great right fielder but Theo took care of that one.

Starting Pitching
Josh Beckett.
Josh has struggled with might the last few seasons so we sign an extension. I don't know. Have to wait and see.

Jon Lester
Were it not for John Farrell, Jon would be gone. That would have been a waste. Another Theo that almost got away.

Dice-K
The Sox won the World Series in 2007 despite Dice-K. Dice-K has been a fiasco and another example of Theo being stupid. Dice-K will walk away with this into another team (or not) and pitch much better now that the Sox have taken him through four years of Triple A preparations.

Tim Wakefield
How to burn a guy in 1 easy lesson. Certainly you would think that the other 5 would prove their earned spot but it seems for not. Tim is bitter and I don't blame him. He's a hell of a pitcher who got shafted because we had to have John Lackey...ya that's Theo.

John Lackey
Superstar for the Angels but he's been terrible for the Red Sox. Thank's Theo.

Clay B.
Sadly I see this guy as a superstar but even my patience is ending. He's got such great stuff. He needs confidence.

Bullpen
All I can say is what is wrong with the bullpen. The talent in there is far better than the numbers.


This year the Sox are playing like they have a curse. They keep finding new and exciting ways to lose despite their talent. Everyone was screaming about hitting. I wasn't worried at all but I was expecting for David Ortiz to die out there. He didn't but we certainly had to wait a while.

This year will hopefully be the year that the Sox fire Theo Epstein...PLEASE!!!

Umpires get questions

It seems the more you look at baseball's blame game, the more you look at umpires. They are the crux that drives everyone insane. I understand that sentiment. Consider the latest press interview with an umpire named Joe West. I'm Joe Derive.

"What? Of course we are con-sis...what's that word?"

Consistent.

"Oh ya, well we're that. People tell me we don't know what we're doing but we do! We know it at all times but I tell ya, it's stressful being an umpire Dale."

I'm Joe. My name is Joe...Joe Derive.

"OK Joe Dolt.."

Derive. I'm Joe Derive!!!!

"OK Fred, the point is...'

How in hell can you call a game when you can't get my name right!

"Look, Nancy, I told you over and over again, I'm not gay and I don't like playing with Barbie dolls."

Are you nuts?

"No I am not in Washington. I'm on Mars. I haven't been the same since the alien probe. Man that hurt. "


Do you know what a strike zone is?

"Strike zone? Of course I know. It's hard being an umpire not that I guess at it of course. I mean Gary what I'm trying to say is that..."

It's Joe and we need to end this interview Joe.

"Hey, my name's Joe!"

So is mine!

"Who's on first. I love that line. That's from Tim McCarver. He invented it after he invented the light bulb."

As you can see, I decided it was best to cancel our interview. Joe was plain nuts and I wanted to be as far from it as I could.

Confused in Baltimore

The Baltimore Orioles management can't figure out why people aren't coming to the ballpark anymore and drastic measures may have to be considered to alter course. I'm Joe Derive.

The Baltimore Orioles attendance this year has brought it close to an empty stadium night after night. It's really hard to bring in customers when nobody wants to attend.

"If the stadium is empty then nobody wants to come. The key is to fill the stadium with people. You do that and you have full attendance. The problem is that we are not filling the seats. "

That type of thinking may be why Baltimore has the worst record in the league right now but Orioles management sees things differently.

"We feel that the best way to improve attendance is triple ticket prices. That's one idea. If the tickets are that expensive then people will think this is the place to be! I mean, its so obvious why didn't we think of this before."

While Ticket prices continue to skyrocket, attendence goes down. Now fans from out of town come in to cheer for their team including New York and Boston.

"We certainly welcome the fans of course. We're glad they are here in our stadium filling up seats. We are changing things around here...you know adding Red Sox and Yankee posters and books and t-shirts and all that to accomadate the fans and eliminating all references to the Orioles. When the Yankees play, we're repainting the stadium and all that. Of course we'll still sell Baltimore Oriole stuff, at exhorbadent prices, on ebay so fans need not worry about getting their stuff anymore. "

This has to be the dumbest moves of any team in history but it gets worse.

"We were thinking of holding concerts during the game. Paul Simon, being a Yankee fan can come in and sing. Nobody pays any attention to the game anyway and the fans won't mind. The players are of course invited to play the game. Our team can't hit so there is no chance Paul will get hit with a fly ball."

So if you're heading out to Baltimore, the seats are plentiful, the accomidations suited to your team of choice and the beer is $75.00 a cup. You'll need it.

I'm Joe Derive.

New Umpire Standards

Bud Selig, known for his tough stance and quick problem solving actions took a bold step today in enforcing desperately needed physical and mental standards for Major League umpires. In a bold move, all umpires must now pass a rigorous physical and well as mental exam in order to continue to manage the rules of the game. Bud did make minor alterations of the test under protest from umpire Joe West but they were minor changes.
"It's outrageous and unfair. That's all I'm gonna say, "said umpire Joe West who became the most vocal of the group. "
Joe West complained most of all at the riding mower test which required all umpires to be able to drive a riding mower for ten minutes in an air conditioned room. The test was to test an umpires endurance on the field.
"I was exhausted. I had barely enough energy to get off the mower. What kind of an test is that? Do Olympians get pushed this hard?"
The test was later dropped under protest and changed to an umpire promising to be able to do the test without actually demonstrating his ability.
"That's outrageous too, "snapped Joe West.
Bud dropped the test entirely after that. Other tests include being able to stand up for ten minutes straight without sitting down. This was considered the most rigorous and was modified to allow the umpires to take rest breaks when needed.
The mental test categories were also rigerous. "When was the War of 1812 fought" really threw the umpires off.
"What kind of a question is that? How do they expect me to pass a test like that?"
Other questions included "what is the present year and how many days are in a week. Both questions were considered impossible to answer by the umpires without extensive research and were dropped.
Finally the umpires themselves were asked questions about the game such as what a strike zone is and what is a ground rule double.
"I can't believe this type of questioning? What is this anyway? How do I know what the rules of football and basketball are? Ground rule doubles and strike zones. What kind of crazy terminology is that?"
Joe West became so angry that Bud dropped the test entirely and considered instead further study in the matter. Umpire Joe West was proud of his leadership.
"This is why Bud is such a leader because he stands up for what's right."
I'm Joe Derive!