Hello and welcome to Red Sox baseball. I'm Kason Gabbard and here from the retirement community is Bill Gomes at the ripe old age of 98...hey Bill.
"Hel...lo....Mr....Jas...on."
"It's KASON!"
"O...K...here...is....Ka...son Ellsbury...to hit."
"It's Jacobe!"
"O...K.... Jacobe, ....Kason...Ellsbury hits a...fly......ball....to..."
"He's got a double and on second. "
"You...guys...don't...slow...down....do...you...Ellsbury!"
"I'm Kason...Jacobe is on second!"
"You...said...Ellsbury...was...on...second..."
"Who's on second?"
"Jacobe's on SECOND!"
"Oh...I...get it...who's on first!"
"Nobody's on first!"
"He's...our....short...stop...get...it"
"My stomach hurts!"
"O.K...here is David Ortiz Jason..."
"it's KASON!"
"Sorry...with...Kason...on...second...and Jason...hitting..."
"David is hitting and Jacobe is on SECOND!"
"O...K....Jac...is...it...time....for...dinnner...yet..."
"Did you see that home run!"
"No...I was...eating...my...dinnner....David!"
"I'm NOT David...David hit the home run!"
"OK...David...who...hit the...home...run?"
"David and I'm Kason."
"O.k...so Kason hit the home...run David...or are you...Jacobe!"
"It's KASON!"
"That's what...I...said!"
"Fine...move on!"
"Here is...Dusty...Pedroooooo...a....and he...is...the second...baseman...hmmm...that's...a...
"He hit a single to center field."
"I...did...not...know...he...was...not...married!"
"No, a single...ah never mind!"
"O...K...Dusty...Jas...sorry...Kason is on second."
"No...Dustin is on first."
"Who's on first?"
"Who is not on first, Dustin is on first."
"I...don't...know who is on first."
"What are we TALKING ABOUT"
"Abbott and Costello!"
"Who?"
"I love them...you know...who's...on...first!"
"Dustin is on FIRST!"
"I don't...know...third...base....always....makes...me...laugh...ah...where is the bath...room?"
"I don't know right now"
"He's on third...get it?"
"No, anyway, we missed the fact that J.D. Drew struck out since we were taking about who was on first but anyway, ah what does it matter. I got it. Here is Clark Kent! He took time off from being SUPERMAN"
"Why...are...you...hitting...your...head...with...a....hammer?"
"It feels better!"
"Clark...Kent...oh...I thought it...was...Batman!"
"No...Bruce Wayne is BATMAN!"
"Bruce...he's....gay!"
"I givc UP...GOOD LUCK"
(Jason walks out)
"O...K....now....let's talk....about....regulari...ty...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Return of the Lugo Show!
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Lugo show. As you know, I'm in the great state of St. Louis in the city of Missouri and I'm here to welcome all you fans and ask you, the fans, to call in and say hello.
"Hello, you're on the air."
"Oh hey Lugo. Hey, welcome to St. Louis...the CITY!"
"Hey to you too!"
"Listen, I was just wondering if the cards ever talked to you about a trade...you know a hopeful rumor or something."
"No, I'm sticking around so you can relax!"
"Ya, well, consider it...OK because not that we don't like you but, you know...anyway...bye!"
"OK, hello you're on the lugo show calling from...ah...Boston, MA...where's that?"
"Hey Lugo...glad to see you haven't changed...ah, as a Red Sox fan I want to say how happy I am you're with the Cardinals. An excellent team and please enjoy your long stay there!"
"Hey, now there is a fan ah hello you're on the air!"
"Ya Lugo, LIFELONG cardinal fan...ah...did you hear the rumor that wearing a seat belt is dangerous and you should avoid it...please..."
"Hey thank you but I always wear a seat belt when I drive a car but thanks!"
"Hey Lugo, I was wondering....you ever thought about sky diving! I mean its a great sport and I have a friend of mine that can fix you right up...really...you should do this!"
"Na, afraid of heights!"
"Crap...I mean OK have a good night."
"OK, that's all the time we have but thanks for your warm comments...oh an email. They want to know if I thought about exploding myself from a cannon. Wow, no but...ya...hey thanks for all the warm wishes and good night!:"
"Hello, you're on the air."
"Oh hey Lugo. Hey, welcome to St. Louis...the CITY!"
"Hey to you too!"
"Listen, I was just wondering if the cards ever talked to you about a trade...you know a hopeful rumor or something."
"No, I'm sticking around so you can relax!"
"Ya, well, consider it...OK because not that we don't like you but, you know...anyway...bye!"
"OK, hello you're on the lugo show calling from...ah...Boston, MA...where's that?"
"Hey Lugo...glad to see you haven't changed...ah, as a Red Sox fan I want to say how happy I am you're with the Cardinals. An excellent team and please enjoy your long stay there!"
"Hey, now there is a fan ah hello you're on the air!"
"Ya Lugo, LIFELONG cardinal fan...ah...did you hear the rumor that wearing a seat belt is dangerous and you should avoid it...please..."
"Hey thank you but I always wear a seat belt when I drive a car but thanks!"
"Hey Lugo, I was wondering....you ever thought about sky diving! I mean its a great sport and I have a friend of mine that can fix you right up...really...you should do this!"
"Na, afraid of heights!"
"Crap...I mean OK have a good night."
"OK, that's all the time we have but thanks for your warm comments...oh an email. They want to know if I thought about exploding myself from a cannon. Wow, no but...ya...hey thanks for all the warm wishes and good night!:"
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Don and Jerry Remy and SimCity
I wanted to do this for a while. As you may have guessed, SimCity was a game I tried and enjoyed at the end of a long day...not that I had time for it.
"Welcome everyone to Red Sox baseball. I'm Don Orsello and this is my co-host Jerry...what's that you're doing?"
"Sim City 4. It's great. Just to relax."
"We have a game on..."
"So...I'll comment. Heck I say the same thing all the time anyway. I could record it. Here...Jacoby gets an inside fastball and overpowers it. Good piece of hitting...or David Ortiz gets a hanging curveball and..."
"OK, I get the idea...just focus on the game OK."
"OK"
"OK, well, here we are at a beautiful day at...what are you doing?"
"Playing Sim City...Du!"
"Look, you can't make a zone that large. That will lower property value and reduce your resources for funding the environmental initiatives like parks."
"Oh, I see we're supposed to concentrate on the game hu!"
"Oh, ya...well the game...
(2nd INNING)
"That was a great move to have a subway system in the city."
"Ya, Jacobe got an inside-the-park-home-run...anyway, I agree. That reduces the air polution of the city and gives you more green space."
(3nd INNING)
"Dice-K working on a no-hitter...ah...hey I love it. You can do a ballpark too just like in the game."
"I know what you mean, and look at this, see how the air pollution goes down when you use one-way roads instead of streets..."
"I like streets."
"What's your problem Don?"
"I don't have a problem!"
"I think we do...oh ya, Dice-K struck him out or something...anyway..."
(4th INNING)
"You idiot, I told you not to say yes to that. Now you're in the hole...and so is...ah who cares about the game."
"Who are you calling an idiot. You're the one that thought a nuclear power plant wouldn't melt down and do you to even consider the budgets of the individual hospitals...NO, I'm Don and I'm a dope!"
"You are calling me a Dope. Well #$#$ you, you #$#$ Fall River LOSER!"
"You are dead meat...Don!"
"Oh crap you have a fire..."
"Where Don...show me...I'll fix it"
"Whew that was close"
"You're telling me"
(5th INNING)
"I am addicted to this game."
"HELLO"
"Who's that Don?"
"Tito, we're supposed to be interviewing him"
"Tell him to bug off. I just got 80,000 citizens in my city...I ROCK!"
(6th INNING)
"OK, we have Tim Wakefield on the line. Hey Tim!"
"Hey Don, hey Jerry. Glad to be here."
"Just a second Tim, Don and I are trying out the Monorail function."
"What?"
"It's SimCity Tim. Baseball is so yesterday!"
"Are you guys all right...I mean this is weird...even for you two!"
"Hey, look at this...the traffic meter is down to normal."
"Look Jerry, Monorails are only for the wealthy of the city...not that I play that game or maybe...can I come up to the booth."
"Come on up Tim!"
(7th INNING)
"No, you want industry in that zone. It's a waste of money."
"Jacobe, if I wanted you're advice I'd ask for it."
"No he's right, "said Theo Epstein."
"Hey, is anybody on the field. I feel like we've got 52 people in this room...oh we do...OK, what's your thoughts Jason?"
"Welcome everyone to Red Sox baseball. I'm Don Orsello and this is my co-host Jerry...what's that you're doing?"
"Sim City 4. It's great. Just to relax."
"We have a game on..."
"So...I'll comment. Heck I say the same thing all the time anyway. I could record it. Here...Jacoby gets an inside fastball and overpowers it. Good piece of hitting...or David Ortiz gets a hanging curveball and..."
"OK, I get the idea...just focus on the game OK."
"OK"
"OK, well, here we are at a beautiful day at...what are you doing?"
"Playing Sim City...Du!"
"Look, you can't make a zone that large. That will lower property value and reduce your resources for funding the environmental initiatives like parks."
"Oh, I see we're supposed to concentrate on the game hu!"
"Oh, ya...well the game...
(2nd INNING)
"That was a great move to have a subway system in the city."
"Ya, Jacobe got an inside-the-park-home-run...anyway, I agree. That reduces the air polution of the city and gives you more green space."
(3nd INNING)
"Dice-K working on a no-hitter...ah...hey I love it. You can do a ballpark too just like in the game."
"I know what you mean, and look at this, see how the air pollution goes down when you use one-way roads instead of streets..."
"I like streets."
"What's your problem Don?"
"I don't have a problem!"
"I think we do...oh ya, Dice-K struck him out or something...anyway..."
(4th INNING)
"You idiot, I told you not to say yes to that. Now you're in the hole...and so is...ah who cares about the game."
"Who are you calling an idiot. You're the one that thought a nuclear power plant wouldn't melt down and do you to even consider the budgets of the individual hospitals...NO, I'm Don and I'm a dope!"
"You are calling me a Dope. Well #$#$ you, you #$#$ Fall River LOSER!"
"You are dead meat...Don!"
"Oh crap you have a fire..."
"Where Don...show me...I'll fix it"
"Whew that was close"
"You're telling me"
(5th INNING)
"I am addicted to this game."
"HELLO"
"Who's that Don?"
"Tito, we're supposed to be interviewing him"
"Tell him to bug off. I just got 80,000 citizens in my city...I ROCK!"
(6th INNING)
"OK, we have Tim Wakefield on the line. Hey Tim!"
"Hey Don, hey Jerry. Glad to be here."
"Just a second Tim, Don and I are trying out the Monorail function."
"What?"
"It's SimCity Tim. Baseball is so yesterday!"
"Are you guys all right...I mean this is weird...even for you two!"
"Hey, look at this...the traffic meter is down to normal."
"Look Jerry, Monorails are only for the wealthy of the city...not that I play that game or maybe...can I come up to the booth."
"Come on up Tim!"
(7th INNING)
"No, you want industry in that zone. It's a waste of money."
"Jacobe, if I wanted you're advice I'd ask for it."
"No he's right, "said Theo Epstein."
"Hey, is anybody on the field. I feel like we've got 52 people in this room...oh we do...OK, what's your thoughts Jason?"
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Joe Derive is back
Hi, I'm Joe Derive reporting from Spring training camp in Florida where a sitcom can't top this fiasco.
First up is the reunion of Nomar Garciaparra. Man Theo. you looked like you were passing kidney stones on camera. Ya, I'm happy for Nomar but Theo act like you're not ready to slug the Nomar in the face. It really does help public relations.
Dice-K is hurt...again...and not in typical fashion. Typical fashion is when the team needed you most. Dice-K is like that second home you purchased on a toxic waste dump and are wondering why you can't sell it! Dice-K are you taking pointers from J.D. Drew? Man you're making it a lot easier to decide on a fifth starter aren't you. First back then neck. What's next, athletes foot! Hey, maybe Dice-K you can sign a minor league contract for a day...and then retire!
Don't you love J.D. Drew. Theo Epstein described the 'subtle' abilities of J.D. Drew. Translation "I don't want to look stupid...AGAIN!" Subtle? Is a New England Blizzard subtle? Drew falls in the ranks of Julio Lugo and Eric Gagne as well as Brad Penny and others that fall under the "be stupid" decision making that Theo seems to shine in. Man Theo, have you ever thought of taking pointers and learning how to pick a real lineup? Well, can't have everything right!
Next up is hitting. Everyone is screaming about hitting. Jason Bay visits and they ask him about hitting. Sports writers are so addicted to the home run ball that they think that's the only way to get a guy home. It's called baseball not home run ball. Lighten up sports writers. Ya I know I'm one of ya but be real. This is a good line up and on top of that we have the best starting pitchers in baseball..and its even better when they're healthy.
OK until next time, I'm Joe Derive.
First up is the reunion of Nomar Garciaparra. Man Theo. you looked like you were passing kidney stones on camera. Ya, I'm happy for Nomar but Theo act like you're not ready to slug the Nomar in the face. It really does help public relations.
Dice-K is hurt...again...and not in typical fashion. Typical fashion is when the team needed you most. Dice-K is like that second home you purchased on a toxic waste dump and are wondering why you can't sell it! Dice-K are you taking pointers from J.D. Drew? Man you're making it a lot easier to decide on a fifth starter aren't you. First back then neck. What's next, athletes foot! Hey, maybe Dice-K you can sign a minor league contract for a day...and then retire!
Don't you love J.D. Drew. Theo Epstein described the 'subtle' abilities of J.D. Drew. Translation "I don't want to look stupid...AGAIN!" Subtle? Is a New England Blizzard subtle? Drew falls in the ranks of Julio Lugo and Eric Gagne as well as Brad Penny and others that fall under the "be stupid" decision making that Theo seems to shine in. Man Theo, have you ever thought of taking pointers and learning how to pick a real lineup? Well, can't have everything right!
Next up is hitting. Everyone is screaming about hitting. Jason Bay visits and they ask him about hitting. Sports writers are so addicted to the home run ball that they think that's the only way to get a guy home. It's called baseball not home run ball. Lighten up sports writers. Ya I know I'm one of ya but be real. This is a good line up and on top of that we have the best starting pitchers in baseball..and its even better when they're healthy.
OK until next time, I'm Joe Derive.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Bud Selig's Day
Good afternoon and welcome to Spring Training with Bud Selig. We're here on a warm and sunny day in Florida watching the Red Sox vs. The Twins. Welcome Mr. Selig.
"Glad to be here in this family stadium."
So Mr. Selig. How are you enjoying today's ballgame?
"Oh my God. How can you ask me such a thing. I haven't done that in years!"
Mr. Selig, I realize you were never a ballplayer yourself but you are the commissioner.
"Of course I'm not. I would never do such a thing. Lowest trash on the planet!
Mr. Selig, are you saying that ballplayers like Carlton Fisk and Carl Yastremski are trash? Is that what you are saying!
"Anything done in the privacy of your own home is your problem but do it in public and that's when I get disgusted. "
Ok Mr. Selig, let's change the subject since I am totally confused here. Anyway, I understand the ballboy for today is here for his community efforts!
"Community efforts. Now we are rewarding ballplayers! Whatever happened to sports and community contributions...besides that of course!
Mr. Selig. He told me someday he wants to be a ballplayer himself! How can you take away his dreams like that!
"Oh that poor child. No family values that's what I say! That's what's wrong with America nowadays! They start them young and then they grow up to be fulltime ballplayers!
Well, Mr. Selig, those ballplayers pay your salary!
"My salary is based on filth! Oh what have I done. In my day we didn't become ballplayers until we were married for at least ten years"
Mr. Selig, I have no idea what you're talking about.
"How could you. You're a woman!
Mr. Selig, just because we don't have pro-ball out there we do have at least ball girls!
"How is this possible! I'm going to get sick. Of all the...are you serious!"
That is a sexist comment Mr. Selig. They can be at the ballpark like everyone else. They are very dedicated...
"Dedicated! They're dedicated and now we have entire parks donated to this...piece of entertainment. Oh no...it's over. The world is over.
Mr. Selig, so far I am totally confused! I am talking about baseball. I do not know what you are talking about but please keep it to yourself!
"Baseball...oh...ya...I get it...oh man, did I make a fool of myself...again. Is this live?
"Glad to be here in this family stadium."
So Mr. Selig. How are you enjoying today's ballgame?
"Oh my God. How can you ask me such a thing. I haven't done that in years!"
Mr. Selig, I realize you were never a ballplayer yourself but you are the commissioner.
"Of course I'm not. I would never do such a thing. Lowest trash on the planet!
Mr. Selig, are you saying that ballplayers like Carlton Fisk and Carl Yastremski are trash? Is that what you are saying!
"Anything done in the privacy of your own home is your problem but do it in public and that's when I get disgusted. "
Ok Mr. Selig, let's change the subject since I am totally confused here. Anyway, I understand the ballboy for today is here for his community efforts!
"Community efforts. Now we are rewarding ballplayers! Whatever happened to sports and community contributions...besides that of course!
Mr. Selig. He told me someday he wants to be a ballplayer himself! How can you take away his dreams like that!
"Oh that poor child. No family values that's what I say! That's what's wrong with America nowadays! They start them young and then they grow up to be fulltime ballplayers!
Well, Mr. Selig, those ballplayers pay your salary!
"My salary is based on filth! Oh what have I done. In my day we didn't become ballplayers until we were married for at least ten years"
Mr. Selig, I have no idea what you're talking about.
"How could you. You're a woman!
Mr. Selig, just because we don't have pro-ball out there we do have at least ball girls!
"How is this possible! I'm going to get sick. Of all the...are you serious!"
That is a sexist comment Mr. Selig. They can be at the ballpark like everyone else. They are very dedicated...
"Dedicated! They're dedicated and now we have entire parks donated to this...piece of entertainment. Oh no...it's over. The world is over.
Mr. Selig, so far I am totally confused! I am talking about baseball. I do not know what you are talking about but please keep it to yourself!
"Baseball...oh...ya...I get it...oh man, did I make a fool of myself...again. Is this live?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Cookie nightmare for the Red Sox
John Henry was unusually stoic when Theo Epstein walked in on the meeting. It was 10:00 am in the morning.
"Something wrong John?"
John nodded saying nothing. Theo could only feel the cold of the room.
"Theo, I have a problem..."
"Look, it's a minor injury to Dice-K..."
"No, it's not that, " snapped John. "I have a problem..."
Theo paused then nodded starring at the floor.
"Look John, they have medication...."
"Theo...", said John before returning to his chair. "I have a cookie problem."
Theo looked up gritting his teeth and forced a smile.
"But John, "said Theo in an angry tone, "I have twenty cases myself..."
"It's the girl scouts Theo. I had no idea that my troop couldn't sell 40 cases...now all you have to do is talk to Tito."
Theo gritted a smile.
"That's a lot of girl scout cookies. "
John leaned down and said, "do the words Eric Gagne come to mind, or perhaps Julio Lugo might ring the right tone!"
(LATER)
"Tito, I have a problem."
Tito invited Theo to sit down.
Theo sighed.
"Look Theo, they have medication..."
"No, no, "snapped Theo. He waved his hand in the air.
"Tito, I have 60 cases of girl scout cookies to sell."
Tito nodded in his usual stoic fashion before hitting his head on the desk.
"That's nice Theo so what's the problem."
Theo leaned forward and said, "remember last year's playoffs?"
"Are you blaming me for that!" snapped Tito in anger.
"NO, but I am saying that this would be good morale for the club...to buy 60 cases of girl scout cookies at a mere $3.50 a box!"
Tito nodded and said, "that's 12 boxes per case. 12 * 80..."
"Is a lot of cookies."
"Is a lot of cookies!"
The two paused.
"Fine...but I have my own girl scout cookie problems..."
"Integrate Tito!"
(LATER)
Tim Wakefield walked into the office of Tito.
"What's up Tito?"
Tim sat down.
"Tim, we have a problem and as a team player you're my solution."
Tim leaned down and sagged into the chair.
"Hey...I was hoping to get a shot at the 5th spot."
"No, no, no, "snapped Tito. "Listen Tim. You've always been straight with me and I'll be with you. I have 100 cases of girl scout cookies to sell and I'm sure you'll pitch in."
Tim sighed.
"Tito...I have some to sell too!"
"Tim..."
"Tito..."
"Team..."
"Tito..."
(LATER)
Tim Wakefield sat on the bench after a shower. David Ortiz sat down.
"Hey the man..."
"David, can I ask you a favor!"
"Of course my friend. You are always the good man."
"Ya, said Tim...listen David...have you ever sold girl scout cookies before?"
(LATER)
David Ortiz swung the bat and snapped the ball over the fence.
"Man, said Jacobe, you have a swing. I'd love to learn that swing."
"You can..."
"You'd said you've never show me.."
David leaned forward and said, "for 450 cases of girl scout cookies it's yours."
(LATER)
Jacobe stretched his back and saw Dice-K coming through.
"Hey Dice-K"
Dice-K paused. He looked forward.
"What you want?"
"Nothing."
"In the four years here you never talk to me...not once and now we're friends. What do you want?"
"Well, you see..."
"What?"
"What do the number 700...as in cases... and girl scout fund raisers have in common?"
"What???"
(LATER)
"Jonathan...I have the secret to your slider and it's yours for 700 cases of girl scout cookies."
"Something wrong John?"
John nodded saying nothing. Theo could only feel the cold of the room.
"Theo, I have a problem..."
"Look, it's a minor injury to Dice-K..."
"No, it's not that, " snapped John. "I have a problem..."
Theo paused then nodded starring at the floor.
"Look John, they have medication...."
"Theo...", said John before returning to his chair. "I have a cookie problem."
Theo looked up gritting his teeth and forced a smile.
"But John, "said Theo in an angry tone, "I have twenty cases myself..."
"It's the girl scouts Theo. I had no idea that my troop couldn't sell 40 cases...now all you have to do is talk to Tito."
Theo gritted a smile.
"That's a lot of girl scout cookies. "
John leaned down and said, "do the words Eric Gagne come to mind, or perhaps Julio Lugo might ring the right tone!"
(LATER)
"Tito, I have a problem."
Tito invited Theo to sit down.
Theo sighed.
"Look Theo, they have medication..."
"No, no, "snapped Theo. He waved his hand in the air.
"Tito, I have 60 cases of girl scout cookies to sell."
Tito nodded in his usual stoic fashion before hitting his head on the desk.
"That's nice Theo so what's the problem."
Theo leaned forward and said, "remember last year's playoffs?"
"Are you blaming me for that!" snapped Tito in anger.
"NO, but I am saying that this would be good morale for the club...to buy 60 cases of girl scout cookies at a mere $3.50 a box!"
Tito nodded and said, "that's 12 boxes per case. 12 * 80..."
"Is a lot of cookies."
"Is a lot of cookies!"
The two paused.
"Fine...but I have my own girl scout cookie problems..."
"Integrate Tito!"
(LATER)
Tim Wakefield walked into the office of Tito.
"What's up Tito?"
Tim sat down.
"Tim, we have a problem and as a team player you're my solution."
Tim leaned down and sagged into the chair.
"Hey...I was hoping to get a shot at the 5th spot."
"No, no, no, "snapped Tito. "Listen Tim. You've always been straight with me and I'll be with you. I have 100 cases of girl scout cookies to sell and I'm sure you'll pitch in."
Tim sighed.
"Tito...I have some to sell too!"
"Tim..."
"Tito..."
"Team..."
"Tito..."
(LATER)
Tim Wakefield sat on the bench after a shower. David Ortiz sat down.
"Hey the man..."
"David, can I ask you a favor!"
"Of course my friend. You are always the good man."
"Ya, said Tim...listen David...have you ever sold girl scout cookies before?"
(LATER)
David Ortiz swung the bat and snapped the ball over the fence.
"Man, said Jacobe, you have a swing. I'd love to learn that swing."
"You can..."
"You'd said you've never show me.."
David leaned forward and said, "for 450 cases of girl scout cookies it's yours."
(LATER)
Jacobe stretched his back and saw Dice-K coming through.
"Hey Dice-K"
Dice-K paused. He looked forward.
"What you want?"
"Nothing."
"In the four years here you never talk to me...not once and now we're friends. What do you want?"
"Well, you see..."
"What?"
"What do the number 700...as in cases... and girl scout fund raisers have in common?"
"What???"
(LATER)
"Jonathan...I have the secret to your slider and it's yours for 700 cases of girl scout cookies."
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