Julio Lugo Show – Be Careful Who You Talk To!
“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for Jul__IO...LUGO...SHOW!”
“Hey everyone. Welcome to our show. Julio Lugo is feeling better now. All I can say is – don't fly an F-16 and don't eat five hot dogs, two twinkies, two chili dogs, two ice cream bars and french fries. On top of that...now they call me Vomit Guy...humiliating!
“Now today we have another guest, Theodore N. Lerner, the owner of the great Washington Nationals who are now up to 16 wins...is it still 16 wins?...OK...Welcome Theo!”
A pause.
“Hello Lugo. Glad to be here...I guess...ah...did you really eat all that?”
“Ya!”
A short pause.
“OK...well this well works for me anyway since I can't sleep at night anyway!”
“You fly F-16's and throw up too!”
A short pause with a sigh.
“No...VOMIT GUY...I just lose ballgames. Same feeling though!”
Lugo paused.
“Well let's ask you this...What do you think is the cause of your troubles?”
A sigh.
“Well...you're not on our team so that's a mystery...no I'd say that our team sucks!”
A small pause.
“Oh by the way, Julian Taravez says hello. He says when you get dropped by the Red Sox in a week or so, he can't wait till you sign with our team so he can hang out with you!”
Lugo paused.
“Hey...that's not going to happen.”
“You're right, “said Theo. “You suck!”
A thump of Lugo's fist hit the table.
“Hey...what about Joel Hanrahan...he's got an ERA of 6.59!”
Theo paused.
“I know you idiot! I don't have an ERA below 5.00 on my team and it's talent like I have that keeps chocolate bar and sleeping pill companies in business. Trust me Lugo...I don't need to add sniffing glue to my coping regiment! Stay away!”
Lugo sighed.
“You sniff glue?”
“I will if you join our team!”
Lugo sighed.
“Hey man this is the Lugo show. I invited you on!”
“Lugo, the only reason why I agreed was that you sent me fifteen roses, five BOXES of chocolates, a nude picture of David Hasseloff –where did that come from -- and a note pleading with me to hire you...Lugo...you're the mother of cold showers!”
Lugo started to weep on the air.
“Hey Lugo...Lugo...I'm sorry...just having a bad year you know....I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.”
“Then you'll give me a job.”
“GRRRR....ah...OK...tell you what, I'll give you a job.”
“Shortstop!”
“Lugo...I was thinking more in the Comfort Station Hygenics Department Manager or CSHDM. I mean...”
“I'll take it!” snapped Lugo.
A pause.
“Wait...before you say yes, how about a coach or your new manager.”
Theo sighed and said, “I always believed in a team that plays above .000. Call me crazy...oh wow...sniffing glue fun.”
A pause.
“Well, let's take some calls.”
A pause.
“Hello, you're on the air.”
“Hey Lugo...first time caller. I'm Tom. I just wanted to say how excited I am about your new position at the Washington Nationals. I think I can say all of Boston is behind you and we're really excited. Couldn't have happened to a better guy!”
“Hey...gorilla glue gets me high...ah...”
A pause.
“Well...thanks Tom...you got a question?”
“Na...bye!”
A pause.
“Hello you're on the air with Theo!”
“Hey Theo!”
“Wow...I have fifteen fingers on my hands...where's the hot glue gun!”
“I was just wondering does he think that the Nationals can get 20 wins this year!”
Lugo sighed.
“How would I know...I'm still sniffing paint cans...ah...red oxide!'
“Ah...Theo...you OK?”
A pause.
“Theo?”
'Weeeee....this is fun...ya Lugo...I'll sign ya...fifteen million per year”
Lugo laughed and said, “man...that worked on Theo too!”
“Damn you...all too...hell!”
“Well thanks for being on with us Theo...have a good day and Go Nationals!”
A pause.
“OK...fans out there...oh...another call!”
“Hey Lugo...calling from a Master Card Credit Card company!”
“Oh ya, “said Lugo. “What's wrong.”
“We...ah...suspect...it...may have been stolen...so like give it to us so that we can take care of it we need your credit card numbah...Talk nice and loud!”
“Just one second.”
A pause.
“OK ready...”
“Oh hell ya!”
“OK...9999-2312-2335-9999”
“Expiration date?”
“12/12”
“Oh ya Lugo...you is my meat boy!”
The phone hung up.
“That was strange...oh crap that was Manny Ramirez's credit card I gave him...oh well...they'll figure it out. I wonder how Manny's doing! Haven't talked to him since he had me order his medication for him. Man that was a bad idea.”
“Anyway...take another call.”
“Hey Lugo!”
“Ah...hey Manny!”
“Have you seen my credit card anywhere. I can't find it. Did I give it you accidentally?”
“Ah...ya...”
A sigh on the line.
“OK...well I'll pick it up next week. Musta gottan mixed up when we went out to dinner! Have a good night!'
The dial tone of a phone hung up.
“You know...I'm really tired of being stupid. Anyway, gotta fix my credit card mess. I'm gonna just use my called ID and call back that guy who I talked too!”
The phone rang.
“Boston City Jail!”
Lugo paused.
“Ah...this ain't a credit card company???”
“No sir...this is the Boston City Jail.”
“You no take credit cards?”
“No sir...this is the Boston City Jail.”
“If...”
“No sir...this is the Boston City Jail!”
“Oh crap!”
“Is there a problem?”
A long pause.
“Ah...problem...no me have no problem...a hold on a second!”
Lugo saw his manager wave to him pointing to the radio. Lugo turned it up.
“Mad Dog Murphy just escaped from the Boston County Jail using, of all things, Manny Ramirez's credit card to bribe a guard. Mad Dog Murphy has said he's going straight to the Julio Lugo Radio Show and, I quote, “going to make him a man.”
Lugo stood frozen faced.
“Sir...is anything wrong!”
“Ah...are the cops on their way to the Lugo Radio show?”
A pause.
“Sir anyone stupid enough to give away their credit card number over the phone...”
There was a pause.
“Sir...I wouldn't worry about it...we'll catch him...I think.”
A long pause.
“Well...OK...ya.”
“Fine...have a good night sir and thank you for calling the Boston County Jail”
“Ah...ya...thank you!”
A pause.
“You know...I think it's time Lugo...oh another call!”
A pause.
“Lugo...I got your numbah and all I can say is – don't sit down!”
Dial tone.
“OK...time to end the show...I'm gonna call the Boston Police now....AH!!!”
“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”
“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”
“Good night...”
“Aw that closing theme sucks”
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