J.D. Drew

J.D. Drew, the guy who designed the stunts for Spiderman, Alone in the Dark talks about how he took his injury free approach to Broadway.

Hi I'm Joe Derive back with more interviews. Today is J.D. Drew who broke the baseball record by managing to get injured before opening day. I asked him what he did over the winter besides increasing everybody's health care costs. Of course I had to do it while interviewing him from a plastic bubble. More about that later.

“Oh mostly worked on Spiderman, Alone in the Dark. It's a lot of work but everyone was excited with my ideas. I never studied physics or nothin but I figured it would just be OK. Man, was I ever wrong. “

Ya well, at least it helped me understand why everyone was getting hurt.

“Listen, JD. I was wondering why you're talking to me from a plastic bubble?”

Drew seemed to laugh a little and I couldn't wait for an answer to this one.

“Aw, its just injury prevention. For some reason everyone thinks I get hurt all the time which is just not true. I mean all the docs know it and I know that because I'm always with one of them since I get injured all the time. ”

I had to roll my eyes at that statement.

“So you...are you eating with your hands?”

“Ya, “ said J.D. “I don't get forks or knives anymore since I get injured by them.”

I had to wonder if J.D. Was running on empty here. I mean really. No forks or knives. How can anyone get hurt with a fork.

“Ya see, I tried to eat my steak but drove the fork through my hand instead. That really hurt. “

I'm sure Blue Cross must love you J.D.

“The worst though is money. I get too many papercuts. Actually they never let me have any paper. Why one time I got fifteen paper cuts working on a crossword puzzle and don't get me started on the pencil. They really hurt stuck in your ear. “

I decided not to have any more questions for Drew. I'm sure the happy doctors could take care of that one but of course I couldn't help myself.

“How can you play baseball anyway if you can't even hold a bat?”

Drew seemed to stammer on that one. He then said, “oh they're giving me a foam bat for batting practice. They're a bit tired of me and the maple bat. I mean I had no idea what happens when you let go of the bat. Boy that concussion on Julio Lugo must have really hurt him. “

Lugo? Well, now I understand why Lugo's doing a radio show now.

“The worst though is sleeping. I pulled my hamstring muscles again when I fell out of the bed. Then I tried a sleeping bag and almost hung myself and then I tried a cup of coffee and got third degree burns on my back. Now they have me eat cold cream of wheat. That seems to work out. “

“So J.D. , what did you learn in working with such a huge program such as this.”

“Hmm, I think the main thing is that you really should have a good working relationship with a variety of medical people from doctors to psychologists. They can come in real handy. “

“J.D., how do you feel about getting an injury the first day of spring camp.”

“One word – utter shock. I'm told its never been done before and all but its kind of frustrating because had I known I could still be in New York directing the stunts for this musical. They're are always more bodies you know. “

“Didn't they fire you?”

“Three or four times but I keep forgetting. I don't have a great memory. Anyway. I mean how many chances do you get to watch a man break his clavicle over a fall. That was pretty cool and I think it adds some drama to the production.”

Ya, well, glad Drew is retiring this year.

“Oh they won't let me watch TV. I keep dropping it on my foot and don't get me started on the remote. Those things hurt when they land directly on your head after falling from the ceiling. “

I had to admit I was starting to lose my mind.

“The worst though is the fact that they gave me slip on shoes. I can't have laces anymore. Last time I tried them I almost hung myself. “

How, how do you hang yourself with shoe laces. Drew is a nutcase, a fruitcake, a boiled potato. I mean the guy is crazy.

“Anyway, I gotta get some sleep. Ow, stupid plastic bowl. I think it broke my foot. ”

Drew then laid down on the floor and closed his eyes. I felt better. I didn't have to talk to him anymore.

Next time we catch up with Manny Ramirez and look for Julio Lugo.

An Interview with Kevin Youk

Kevin Youkilis

Kevin gave up a lot to play third base. He's had competition with Beltre and Mike Lowell but at last now he's on his own at third. I asked him what it was like to move over to the hot spot.

“I like it. The chit-chat at first base can be tough you know. You know how it is. The guy gets a hit and suddenly they're just chatting away but I'm OK with that. I mean it never really bothered me and all. “

That water cooler chatter also requires any first baseman to greet the player. It's just part of the tradition. Kevin's a bit wound tight so I wondered how he felt about it.

“Not that big a deal. I mean you know, maybe I don't want to hear about Derek Jeter's interest in evolutionary taxonomy. I mean the man could go on for hours on this and I have to hear every minute of it. “

I began to notice Kevin's eyebrows begin to tighten and his face begin to tighten and his hands begin to tighten. Ah, no big deal.

“I mean I've learned a lot like about sexual dimorphism. I mean that's only because he never shuts up about it but that never bothered me. I mean I could read a barf bag and I swear he'll talk to me about genetic drift and group selection and...What in hell is genetic drift? I don't even know what a gene is? Anyway, no big deal. “

Now I know he said 'not-a-big-deal' but you know Kevin. Passionate fella. I do admit that he was starting to scare me after he brought out a large bag and starting unzipping it.

“I mean we're ten runs down and Julio Lugo gets to first. Boy he sure was passionate about that show. Youky, come on my show or Youky, consider what atmosphere you'll bring. It's at 3:30 in the morning. The only atmosphere I want is unconsciousness! I wish Arnie would make him a frickin acid bath and make him eat it. Excuse me.”

I was grateful Kevin felt better after firing a few rounds of his 44 Magnum handgun. Fortunately nobody got hurt but boy he was sure aiming for Dice-K a lot.

“Of course most of the time it wasn't a big deal. Remember Manny Ramirez. Oh, I'm going in the Hall Of Fame or oh how great it is I'm raking in the money while you're...who are you again. Oh, I just let it roll off my sleeve. Ah, excuse me a second. “

It was then I was getting worried when Youk took the camera I had and smashed it into the ground. Why he carries around an AK-47 is a mystery to me but I'm really glad nobody was on the field at this moment for this interview.

“I mean, I'm here to compete. You get that. My job is to compete not to listen to ballplayers talking about...oh did I mention cooking tips. I mean, who needs cooking tips from Rachel Ray. Hey Micheal Young, I don't care about Rachel's pizza pals bread mix or her fruit smoothie floats. I just want to win the game. One more second.“

Keven then threw what I thought was a ball in the air. Of course it wasn't. I knew that from watching the right field seats explode into one large giant cloud of smoke and ash. I decided to dial my cell phone but Youk grabbed it and ripped it in two.

“Now here's another thing. Did you know you get better service through Horizon because I do. Wanna know how. I'll tell you. Cabrera and his stupid talk about cell phone coverage. Unlimited texting, data messaging, G3 vs G4. What's a G4. Oh I know now. It took four innings of his yapping and blabbering but I'm not upset. Hey Cabrera, it's called a phone. It's not a computer! Excuse me a second.”

You know, I've never quite seen a rocket launcher before but I gotta tell ya, it really does some damage to a stadium.

“Hey Longoria. You know what. I don't give a crap about chemical bonds. What's the difference between an ionic vs. covalent vs. polar covalent vs. non polar covalent and then he goes on about orbitals. What's an s,p,d,f. I have no idea. The mans a fruit cake and blah, blah, blah, blah. “

You know, maybe its just me, but I really recommend not letting Kevin Youkalis own a surface to air missile. I hope nobody was hurt on that plane.

“Oh ya, Damon. You know what. How do you get that battling helmet on your head anyway! I mean just because you know about Linux operating systems and bash shells and vim and kernel parameters doesn't make you know anything about baseball. I really don't want to know about Perl or Python or C or C++ or all of this other crap. This is for you Damon.”

I was really glad when the men in white coats came before Kevin started throwing land mines on the field. Anyway, I'm OK and next time we talk to J.D. Drew about his love of Spiderman and injuries.

Joe Derive is BACK

Hi, I'm Joe Derive. You know me and if you don't that's OK. I'm your regular Red Sox reporter coming to you from Florida. Ya, Red Sox training where I get to sit around all day and ask stupid questions while eating a pizza and watching my belly giggle. What more can you ask for?

Anyway, here are some stories from the sunshine state that I thought you might enjoy.

CC. Sebastia

Looks like old CC lost some pounds. I asked CC why he did it (problem with his knee) and what he gave up (huge amounts of staggering fats and sugars allowing him to live longer and burn through his money on something other than food.)

“The hardest thing was giving up coco-puffs. I'm koo-koo for coco-puffs. First I add like chocolate milk and chocolate syrup and then I top it with coco-puffs in a large salad bowl. “

I then asked him why a salad bowl. I thought I people ate out of dishes.

“Oh, I don't know. The entire box required a large container. I started with a bowl but was never filled up. Then I discovered Sam's club. I mean it catered to my special eating needs. You could get these giant size boxes like three times the size of a normal box and with some work I managed to finish those off in a meal or two. It was cheaper that way.”

I wanted to ask him how often his stomach expanded and exploded on a regular basis but I instead asked him what else.

“Oh, I also like chocolate wafers. They're real small so you don't have to eat many. I find it best to put them in a large garbage and buy them by the freight truck load and munch on them during the day. With the garbage can it can last oh, two or three hours at least. “

I had that 'holy crap' thought in my head but asked him what the ultimate meal was.

“There's a local deli down the street. I get this taco with meat and cheese and they wrap it in a large pizza. Then they deep fry it and add a cheese sauce and sprinkle it with more meat and cheese. Then they cover it with mushrooms and bacon strips before wrapping it in a large pizza again. It's double the fun. That fills me up for the entire ball game. “

This guy could fill the grand canyon with one bowel movement. No worries Colorado River, here comes C.C. Sebastia. I then asked him what about desert.

“Oh, that's easy. A Carvel Ice Cream cake. Oh man I can finish that one off in fifteen minutes. “

“A slice, “ I asked.

“No the entire cake. Sometimes I get sick but I wash it down with Neslie Quick. “

Well, that's enough of that. Amazing this man doesn't have heart attacks on a regular basis.

Anyway, join me next time as we talk with Kevin Youk about third base and Julio Lugo about his prospects for free agency (that's baseball is free of Lugo) and finally we'll sit down with J.D. Drew, the guy who designed the stunts for Spiderman, Alone in the Dark about how he took his injury free approach to Broadway.