Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Joe Derive and the Umpire quiz

Hi,

I'm Joe Derive and I'm glad to be here in Baltimore -- well not really -- but anyway, recently a major testing firm setup a competency test for umpires to ensure the highest quality candidates. Here are SOME the results. Feel free to take the test yourself.

1) A year is:
(a) The time the sun goes around the earth
(b) The time the earth goes around the sun
(c) None of the above.
(d) It's against my religion.

97% selected (d). Wow, seriously. Well OK.

2) Interest means:
(a) How fascinating a subject is
(b) Money earned on an investment
(c) Gwenth Paltro
(d) None of the above

94% chose (a). A fascinating subject? Man I want to be your investment banker that's all I can say!

3) Fatty foods can cause:
(a) Heart attacks
(b) A full and happy stomach
(c) A twinkie binge
(d) psychic powers

Most everyone chose b or c. Wish I had stock in McDonalds right now.

4) Thunder is caused by
(a) Thor the God of Thunder
(b) The sonic boom of lightening ( <- pick this one)
(c) Mysterious energy from UFO's
(d) Hulk smash

I never knew the God of Thunder caused lightening but guys -- they even told you the right answer. They said pick this one. Why? Why did 100% of you choose (a). It's insane.

5) Steroid means:
(a) synthetic hormone designed to enhance the body with serious side effects
(b) A country in Africa
(c) A planet orbiting earth
(d) None of the above

And you wonder why the umpires can't find the strike zone don't you? You wonder why they make the wrong call so many times. You wonder why they look clueless. I mean, a planet orbiting earth? A country in Africa? None of the above? AHHHHH


6) 6 * 3
(a) 9
(b) 18 (<- pick this one...really)
(c) 23
(d) 7
(e) none of the above
(f) I'm an umpire, this is too hard for me

Umpires, at least try! How is 6 * 3 TOO HARD! Come on, it's 18. Eighteen is NOT hard to calculate. It's arithmetic. I'm having chest pains now. I mean you all picked (f).

7) Beavis and Butthead:
(a) remind me of myself
(b) Is a show on cable created by former blues musician Mike Judd
(c) Is what happens if I don't change my underwear
(d) I don't know

Wow, everyone got this right. Great. While the answer is (b) the firm also accepted (a). Good job guys for picking (a)...I guess.

8) Eating too much will:
(a) Make me overweight
(b) Make me happy
(c) Turn me into a martian
(d) I should chose (a) as the right answer since that is the right answer to PICK IT!!!!


Folks, read the question. Eating too much will NOT make you happy. It will make you very fat. Got it! The answer is (a) and how could 25% of you chose (d). I mean you can't be that insane...can you!


I'm Joe Derive and I am SO out of here.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Clay's Day

Hello, I'm Clay Buckholtz and this is my day. You see, I'm a good pitcher but I have a serious problem with reading social situations, but don't believe me, just listen to my story.

Today I was asked to give away Boston Red Sox tickets at a local bank. It seemed simple enough. The meeting with John Henry went well.

"Now remember Clay, don't come back until you give away fifteen tickets! If you don't, you're fired!"

I was so excited and I thought it was an easy day but they put me in the loans department of the bank and I sort of didn't handle that well. I was just trying to add a little humor.

"Are you Clay Buckholtz?"
"Yes, I'm giving away free tickets to the Red Sox. I mean that's better than a loan denial isn't it?"

OK, that was just one bad attempt.

"Are you Clay Buckholtz?"
"Ya and I'm giving away Red Sox tickets which is great because this bank never gives any loans out. "

For some reason the bank said they didn't have any more time for me to give away tickets...but I still had to give away tickets and then I thought of Arnie so I called him.

"Hey Arnie."
"Oh hey Clay, what can I do you for?"
"I was wondering if you'd accept some Red Sox tickets...free?"
A long pause followed. Arnie pauses a lot when I ask him stuff.
"Hey, I'd love em but I just can't make it. How about you call Garry, a friend of mine but whatever you do, don't praise John Farrell. he's kind of against him."
"OK, no problem."

I was really excited and I was glad that Garry was a John Farrell fan.

"Hello Garry?"
"Who is this?"
"Clay Buckholtz from the Boston Red Sox. Look, I was wondering if you'd like some tickets for the Blue Jays. I mean its like a reunion with John Farrell. Man what a great pitching coach he was hu? I heard you were a real fan of his. I mean I can tell you all about him and stuff..."
For some reason our conversation didn't last long after that. So I called Arnie back.

"Hey you didn't mention John Farrell did you?"
"Ah, no...of course...not. That would be...insane, so like you got anyone else?"
"Sure, Greg. Call him and if you know something about Rome, he loves that stuff!"

So I called Greg and gave myself a cram course on Rome.

"Hey Greg!"
"Hey who is this!"
"Clay Buckholtz of the Red Sox."
"Great."
"I hear you know about Rome and I'm an expert."
That was probably not a good thing to say.
"Ya I know some. What period do you study?"
"Ah, the Rome...period actually."
Oh boy I was starting to panic here.
"I know but Empire, Republic, Eastern, you know."
I should have shut up at this point but I didn't. I don't know why. It's just me.
"Ah, all of the...above...especially ah...the time of ah...George Washington, stuff...."

We didn't talk much after that. I realized I needed a place that didn't exactly know what was going on in my head. I had the perfect idea!

"Hey everyone, I'm here to give out Red Sox tickets. Red Sox tickets just raise your arm up...or toe or something."

That didn't go well and it was such a great idea. I guess the intensive care patients of a hospital might not be the best place to offer tickets.

So anyway, John Henry calls me on the phone tearing into me. I decided that desperate times called for desperate actions and I was at a hospital anyway.

"OK, you want one, great. "
"I have...ah..two left...oh you...great"
Within fifteen minutes I had unloaded all fifteen tickets, like one a minute. Who says Clay doesn't rock!
"Sir, the morgue is closing now...and you realize you're talking to dead people right?"
"Oh ya, sure...ah...like some Red Sox tickets."


So anyway, that's how I got rid of fifteen Red Sox tickets. Great hu.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Joe Derive at Arnies

"Hi, I'm Joe Derive. I'm at Arnie's restaurant in Colorado...oh Arnie!"

A clang of dishes and chit chat lingered in the background. Joe seemed relaxed and contemplative despite the stains of sauces and cheese surrounding his shirt.

"Ya, "said Arnie the host and best cook ever.

"Need another Arnie special. "

"Ya mean the two topping pizza, four cheese burgers and fifteen orders of fries?"

Arnie wrote down the order for the fifth time today giving Joe a strange look that almost questioned how his stomach could hold so much food.

" You got it! "

"Man, surprised you're not dead yet...Lugo, hands above the table this is a family restaurant. "said Arnie.

Arnie starred at Lugo until he shamefully moved his hands and rested them on the tablecloth.

" Anyway, I'm here with..."

Arnie grunted and reached over to pull Lugo's hands above the table.

"Stop consulting the professor underneath the table, "snapped Arnie. "I'll be back. "

Joe watched Arnie move away but then turn back.


"Drew, plastic spoons only. You know how you almost stabbed somebody in the face with that plastic knife of yours. "

"That was you wasn't it?"

"Oh ya, I forgot about that wound. "said Arnie rubbing his left cheek.

"Ow, my eyebrow hurts. Can you fix it Arnie?"

Arnie grabbed his forehead and proceeded into the kitchen. There were a few stares from the customers but Joe wondered if it was Zazu or his own ability to consume five Arnie dishes in one afternoon.

"Hey, I hate the Red Sox and the Dodgers and the Tigers and the Rays, "said Zazu, known as Manny Ramirez who was still sticking needles in his arms.

"Will you stop giving yourself steroids, its how you got fired in the first place!"

"Anyway, "said Joe Derive, "I'm here with Julio Lugo and Zazu Ramirez and J.D. Drew and we partake in baseball exchange and ask the fatal question -- what happened to the Red Sox. "

"Here's your order, "said Arnie putting down the dishes on the table. Lugo once again slid his hands under the table before Arnie grabbed them and placed them on the table.

"Zazu, put the needles away."

"Hey, Zazu's involved in future establishments of film production to express the more sensitive side of him."

Arnie shook his head and cleaned up the dirty dishes.

"I'll look for you on PainPerView.com, "said Arnie.

"Hey, how'd you know?"

Arnie gave a small laugh and said, "I honestly made it up but with you Zazu, I'm not surprised. " Zazu watched Arnie roll away and move into the kitchen laughing all the harder.

"Anyway, what's with the Red Sox Lugo?"

"I think they're losing a lot. If they win a lot then they won't lose a lot but that's just a thought. "

"Mr Zazu, can you sign my autograph, "said a small boy of about eight standing with his father.

"Sure, what do I say?"

"Steroids make Zazu a loser would work. "

Zazu handed the kid back the notebook and turned away. Joe Derive almost choked on his food giving out a loud laugh.

"Hey, are you Julio Lugo?"

Lugo gave out a gleeful smile and said, "you bet."

'How's that free agent thing working out for you?"

Lugo moved his hands under the table.

"Ah, not good. "

"Sorry, my dad told me it takes a lot of guts to go out there and play with your talent. I can imagine how tough that is."

'Nice kid, "said Lugo gritting his teeth. "

"Ow, my arm, "said J.D. Drew missing with his spoon in attempting to eat instead striking his arm with his spoon.

"Anyway, thanks kid...see ya later. "

Joe then leaned towards the camera.

"Anyway, with the Sox at 2 and 9, many are wondering how the Sox can come back. J.D. what do you think?"

"I gotta eat. I've tried for half an hour and I still can't scoop the food and I'm all bruised. I miss straws but I choke on them when I use them and I tried finger food but..."

Joe sighed and said, "it's OK Drew. We got a nurse for you."

Joe turned towards the camera.

"Anyway..."

"LUGO."

Arnie stormed up to him and said, "First you burn down the block with your FlameThrower restaurant and then you...Lugo, control yourself OK. "

Lugo nodded and started eating his food.

"OK, well maybe next time we'll get going and get something done. It's been great folks. "