Heading out to the old ballpark may have new meaning as Tampa Bay has decided to incorporate their new logo 'LYEAHN” Remember those annoying cowbells that thwart hitters and drive opposing teams mad. Well, look out because you ain't seen nothing yet.
“I guess they're handing out to the kids battery operated tornado sirens that have about two hours of battery time. I guess I'll be giving them my resignation!”
That was Joe Madden, manager of the Rays looking a bit disgruntled at the prospect of going deaf.
“I need my hearing and when these idiots they tell me that every time our team gets a hit, they'll open up with 1000 fucking air horns blasting and smashing the stadium. All I can say is, WTF?”
Fans themselves seem excited about the idea. As a father of six kids, Samuel Lyborn says that the horns really keep his kids occupied.
“What?”
That was about all we could get out of Sam before he was taken to the nearest emergency room after his kids thought it might be fun to blast all the air horns into his ears at once.
Still, fan turnout has been great. Fans have brought in any type of siren and noise device that can be implemented.
“If it's noisy, we want it, “says Tampa Bay management.
The stadium has however banned the devices after a small incident. Apparently the entire stadium of residents have filed a class action lawsuit after suffering permanent hearing damage. Called the “Helen Keller” lawsuit, the lawsuit has had its positive moments. For one thing, ASL or American Sign language is now very popular among Tampa Bay fans as their only source of communications and players for the Rays say that nobody can read their signs anymore now that everyone had to learn sign language since the team is officially pronounced deaf.
The conversation between Paul Byrd and Theo Epstein.
“Hi Paul!”
“Who the fuck is this?
“Ah...Theo Epstein...”
“You piece of shit. I was just guzzling my fucking beer because I'm out of a fucking job sitting here with my fat glob of a belly because I'm on anti-depressants and just got out of my ECT treatments! Now what in hell do you want. Here I am WATCHING Saturday looser wrestling while crapping on the toilet and I have to hear from my worst nightmare.
A pause.
“Well...OK...I guess you don't need a job.”
A pause.
“Oh hey Theo. Really glad to hear from you. I mean...it's been very lonely not hearing from you. Thank goodness I'm in shape...you know weight lifting and all and track and...of course no beer!”
A pause.
“That's OK Paul. Pretty much everyone who works for me feels the same way. Heck you should hear the calls I get from Justin Masterson. Wow...that guy has a mouth!”
A pause.
“Well...to be honest, I'm really out of shape...”
“No worries. I mean this is a guy who hired Julio Lugo, J.D. Drew and Eric Gagne and I sold the farm for him!”
A pause.
“Ya...I see your point there.”
“So don't worry. How does $20 million sound?”
“Wow...that's an insane amount for a mediocre player. You really are Theo Epstein!”
“The one and only!”
A pause.
“Listen I'll let you fly back, work out in the minors and be ready for September. I'm thinking of trading Daniel Bard and Jonathan Papelbon for Julio Lugo. We really need him back.”
A pause.
“So tell me Theo...how'd you get this job anyway?”
“Hell if I know!”
A pause.
“Well...I'll see you Monday.”
“Take your time. I'm building next years pitching staff. It will be Smotz, Penny, Buckhotz (our ace), Roy Halliday (after we give them Becket and Lester, Papelbon and Buckhotz) and Jason Gabbard.”
“it's Kason!”
“Hey...how can you trade away Buckhotz and still call him your ace!”
“Wow...good point. So that's what happened to Masterson and I thought he left the country. Man...have to get Bart Colon back. Maybe we can trade Oki for him. I like giving away real talent to get even better talent!”
“Theo...OK...I'll do the minors thing but let's face it...you need the ECT treatment.
“That reminds me...I need to extend J.D.'s contract. His back problems and groin problems have really helped the team down the stretch!”
“Good bye Theo.”
“And let's not forget about Jed Lowrie. We can get rid of him and get Julio Lugo back. I like dumping players then getting them back! That shows good sense.”
“Good bye Theo!”
“OK...but when I get done with you, I've got to work on getting Pedro Martinez. He'll help our staff out!”
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