Elmer Epstein and the Astrologer

A Warner Brother's Cartoon

Elmer Epstein walked down the street thinking to himself. It was 2007.

"Boy, Mistah. Henwy weally wants me to make a weally gweat team this year."

"What's up Doc?" asked the scrawny, tall astrologer who looked strangely like a rabbit.

"What's up Doc. Boy Mr...what are you?"

"I'm an astrologer!"

"I don't really know much about science."

"You look like a man with a problem...and a low IQ."

"Gee, Mr. Astrologer, that's weally all twue. I'm weally scawed. Mistah Henwy wants me to make a gweat baseball team and I don't know what to do."

"Come in Doc. I can fix your problem."

Elmer enters the caldrin of the mysterious astrologer and sits down at the round table. I large crystal ball is centered at the table. The mysterious astrologer waves his hands and chants.

"Done!"

"What's done?"

Elmer was hit in the face with a pie.

"The pie of course Doc!"

Elmer wipes the cream pie off his face.

"Vewy funny."

"Ah doc, you're first purchase has to be Eric Gagne. "

"Eric Gagne! He's a loser. Nobody in their right mind would buy him."

"Exactly doc and that's why I came to you!"

"But that would mean sacwificing gweat fahm pwoswects (prospects) and losing a dwaft pick. "

"Ya doc, but that certainly would impress your boss."

Elmer thought about it and smiled.

"Boston Globe."
"Eric Gagne trade a disaster for Boston. Elmer Epstein laughing stock."

"Oh you stupid Astrologer. Now I look like a fool!"

"We know that Doc but what's your point."

"Pwease Mistah Astwologer. Who do I do next?"

"J.D. Drew."

"What, that man is always getting injuhed. The last twing I would do is be stupid and buy him!"

"Don't forget a multi year contract with tons of money. "

"OK Mistah Astwologer."

"Boston Globe."
"J.D. Drew a disaster. He can't hit, he can't stay healthy. Elmer a laughing stock."

"You stupid Astwologah. They ah all making fun of me...again!"

"Don't worry Doc. You're next pick is a sure winner."

"Julio Lugo. I don't know Mr. Astwologer. National league players don't always do well in the Amehican League!"

"Are ya sure Doc?"

"Boston Globe."
"When will Lugnuts Lugo leave. Elmer Epstein is at it again!"

Elmer burned with anger

"You stupid..."

"Hold on Doc. The last thing I want to do is ruin your team. Now how about this guy. Dice-K Matsuzaka. He's a winner if I ever saw one but you gotta dump money at him. "

"I don't know Mistah Astwologer. My last picks are so bad. I mean the Yankees ah not even intwisted in him. That's a clue since they nevah make mistakes like me. "

"Are you sure tubby?"

"Boston Globe."
"Another disaster by Elmer. Dice-K complains, is always injured and blames everyone around him..."

"That's it Mistah Astwologer. I'm thwough with you. Evwy pwediction you make, makes me a fool in Boston! Now I've lost Manny Ramirez too! Evwything is wong."

"Don't worry Doc. I know you're hurting. I'm here for you. Listen, have you heard about...John Lackey!"

"Now you'ah talkin' Mr. Astwologer. "

The Astrologer looks towards the camera.

"This is too easy."

"OK Doc. Buy him but a five year contract and make sure you have no clauses in it. "

"You're right Mistah Astwologah. I almost had no twust in you but I got it this time!"

Elmer jumped up and ran out. The astrologer took off his costume exposing a Yankee uniform.

"Ah, ain't I a stinker!"