Hi, I'm Joe Derive. Ya its "spend through the roof " time and I thought it might be fun to examine each position from 1st base to catcher and see which team, Yankees or Red Sox are the better team.
First Base:
I would love to give this position to Gonsalez. He'll need time to adjust of course so in the beginning, I'll give this position to the Yankees. However, not having Julio Lugo play first base is already a plus.
Bottom line: Red Sox.
Second Base:
The Red Sox have about an even comparison with Dustin Pedroia coming back from foot surgery. Thankfully Julio Lugo never played this position so already the Sox are in good place.
Bottom line: Even
ShortStop:
Theo worked to improve Julio Lugo and got Julio Lugo Jr in Mark ScatterThrow. Jeter isn't much better on the Yankees. I would love to see Jed Lowrie take over. He's a better player than ScatterThrow but at least Julio Lugo won't be playing the position.
Bottom Line: Even disasters
Third Base
Youk vs. A-Rod. I give this one to Youk. A-Rod is old with a hip injury but at least we don't have Julio Lugo playing third.
Bottom Line: Red Sox
Left Field
We dumped a bunch of money on Crawford but the Yanks have a strong left field as well. Fortunately we won't have Beltre at third so our left fielders will not walk away with broken ribs and we don't have Julio Lugo playing left field.
Bottom line: Red Sox
Center Field
Will Ellsbury have an All Star season? Of course he will since he wants to demand insane salary requirements in the Boras school of fantasy economics. Yankees have their own center field ace. Fortunately the Sox chose not to have Julio Lugo play center field. Going to be with the Yankees on this one.
Bottom Line: Yankees
Right Field
The fact is that Julio Lugo and Drew could compete for each other for the biggest road side disaster. Drew is pathetic and a lousy hitter. Fortunately he doesn't complain or brag.
Bottom line: Yankees or frankly any little league team.
Catcher
This is a tough call. I'd like to leave this open since the Sox are looking for another catcher. All we can say is one thing.
Bottom line: At least Julio Lugo isn't catching.
Starting Pitching
Well we have Dice-K who can't wait to take his millions and go back to Japan, a dying Josh Beckett and John Lackey. That's 2/3 of your starting pitching in the range of pathetic. I don't have any hope for Beckett and Dice-K, on his last contract year could care less so that leaves Lackey. If John can find any form, the Sox might survive but otherwise this area is in serious trouble. Fortunately we don't have Julio Lugo pitching.
Bottom line: Yankees
Bullpen
Both the Yankees and Sox have serious issues with the bullpens. Both are weak. We can only hope that the Sox will get an arm. Message to Theo -> Don't get Julio Lugo as a shutdown pitcher. Next year will be interesting as Papelbon will be looking elsewhere. Will the Yanks get him? No doubt but will the Sox sign Lugo as a closer?
Bottom Line: Even disasters
Manager
This is apples and oranges. Tito Francona is low key, relatively smart and a big-picture kind of key. Girardi is tempermental, edgy and detail driven. It all depends on what style you want. Both are appropriate for their clubs but I'd rather work under Tito than Girardi. Fortunately the Sox didn't hire Julio Lugo on their team. I might also add that Varitek will also be part of that behind-the-scenes picture. That gives the Red Sox a big edge.
Bottom line: Red Sox
DH
Posada is now a DH. Ortiz is still a DH. Fortunately the Sox don't have Julio Lugo as a DH. Is Lugo still running that radio show?
Bottom line: Easily the Red Sox
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Camping Part II
Altitude Sickness
Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek and Tim Wakefield woke up feeling a blast of cold air strike their lungs.
"AH, " snapped Mike Lowell. "Do you two have any idea what its like going to the BATHROOM...in an OUTHOUSE...with a bad hip."
Tim paused and said, "I really don't want that picture in my head."
Jason said, "tell me about it...no really tell me about the toilet experience."
A long pause ensued.
They looked around and each saw their own demise trapped in this van inside YellowStone Park. They were unable to get a good nights sleep after being unable to get their tent together but when they finally got the tent together they forgot the rain flap. Then it snowed. They slept in the car all night after it snowed. Jason was crushing the other two during the night trying to get warm.
"Oh my back, "snapped Tim Wakefield getting up.
"Oh my hip, "gritted Mike Lowell.
"Oh my, "said Jason Varitek. "Is that a bear?"
The three looked out watching a male bear and her cubs walk across the field of fog and cold.
"Cool, "said Tim Wakefield.
"Amazing, "said Mike Lowell.
"Wow those are big..." said Jason Varitek before Tim Wakefield cut him off.
The three got out shivering against the cold air.
"I hate this trip, "snapped Mike. "Stupid camping trip and stupid ideas. I want a HOT shower and I want to feel clean again. This was the most retarded idea from your head, "snapped Mike Lowell. "How in hell..."
The two starred at Jason almost weeping before his tears turned to crystals and fell down his face.
"Sorry..." said both of the men shivering against the cold.
"It's OK."
"What we need is a hot breakfast, "said Mike.
"Great, I'll get the stove out."
Immediately the two others ran into the van and grabbed the stove. They then started up the van and ran over the strove crushing it.
"We're going to get some food at a f-king HOT place, "snapped Mike.
Jason nodded and ran in the van.
Later they sat at a restaurant inside devouring their food.
"Excuse me, "said the waiter. "Are you Mike Lowell?"
Mike looked up with an attempt at a dignified face but was already drenched in syrup from the pancakes so perhaps that was a pointless effort.
"Ya, "said Mike with some uncertainty in his voice.
"Sorry to see you go. Bum deal. You're so much better than your record shows."
Mike smiled gritting his teeth.
"Can I get your autograph. My neighbor is a big fan of yours."
"I'm Tim Wakefield, 'said Tim.
"That's nice. "
Tim then raised his hand and said, "I won the Roberto Clemete award."
"God I hate braggers, "said the waiter. "Hey are you a coach on the team now?"
Tim let his hand down sulking into the oatmeal.
"Oh man, you're Jason Varitek. Man you're were great before you got old."
Jason nodded his face holding the knife at an angle directed at the waiter.
"Ya, my Dad says you suck now but were great at one time. Guess that's what happens when you get old."
Jason turned away.
"Hey, why don't you shut up and...oh ya who do I make this out too?"
The waiter said, "my uncle. He says you're the best player on the team. I think so to."
Mike smiled as the other two sat and sulked.
"See ya."
Jason and Tim starred at each other.
"I hate fans."
"Hey, when you got it you got it, "smirked Mike.
The two began the climb that day.
"My hip hurts...this cold weather!"
The other two ignored him and climbed the mountain. At 10,000 feet up even Mike felt the pain go away instead focusing on not falling off the cliff and killing himself. They saw goats and an occasional chipmunk and the like. As they climbed up they felt lightheaded and tired.
"Man, I'm out of shape, 'said Jason.
"My hip hurts, "snapped Mike.
"No s-t, "said Tim Wakefield.
They trekked to the inside of the top feeling relief at arriving at the end. The air was so warm inside. The crystals from their beards melted.
"My hip hurts."
"My back hurts, "said Tim.
"I feel...oh man I feel nauseous."
The three,after some routine pictures headed down the mountain. They walked until they could walk no more and made it to the large restaurant...now that the stove was busted. They all looked pale and yellow.
"I don't feel so good, "said Jason.
Soon the three ran into the bathroom and sent their breakfast and lunch into the toilet. Large moaning sounds reverberated in the room. A man ran out and said,
"You won't believe this. In that bathroom is Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield and they're throwing up all over the place. "
Minutes later the three walked out of the bathroom looking pale, exhausted and tired.
"I...will never...camp again....", said Mike Lowell.
"I'm never...going...to...camp again, 'said Tim Wakefield.
"Anybody hungry, "asked Jason Varitek.
The two looked at him before running back into the restroom.
.
After dinner they ran to the van, got inside, bulleted out of Yellowstone and headed for the airport but not before they took all their camping equipment and ran over it again and again on the road until it was all completely crushed.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Camping
The veterans of the Red Sox organization - Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield all planned a camping trip together among the isolated woods of Wyoming. It was a last goodbye for Mike Lowell who wanted to experience the great outdoors before retirement. It was a cold October night in Wyoming. They were staying in backcountry against the wild forests of Wyoming.
They had flown in and bought their camping equipment along with rental vehicles and headed to the great outdoors.
It was 7:00 pm and already dark when the crew arrived at the site. There were trees everywhere and the air was clean and fresh. The group got out with a less than enthusiastic look on their faces.
"How in heck did we take four hours to find this place, "snapped Mike Lowell who's hip was in pain from the damp air.
"Hey, we're roughing it right, " said the leader Jason Varitek. "No GPS's, no cell phones, no tvs, etc. We're back to nature."
"My hip wants a hotpad, "snapped Mike.
"Come on, let's get the tent up, "said Tim Wakefield looking tired and sore.
They had everything unwrapped and started looking at the directions. The tent lay flat on the ground. Poles and ropes lay everywhere in unsorted piles with no attempt at organization. Mike read the directions out loud.
"Place the long poles J1x and K1x with red dots perpendicular to door Vx1 of the tent X1 aligning the tapered ends T1 and T2 opposite to the connections on the hub PX2-z and then connect the poles J1x and K1z using the spring lock mechanism HRx located in the hub H1-x12 after first sliding the poles J1z and K1x through the sleeves S1r and S2r on the tent. Be sure not to put too much pressure maintaining a steady aim while connecting the perpendicular pieces to the hub Px2-z."
Mike paused, looked up and said, "what the f-k?"
Tim sighed and said, "perpendicular...hmmm...I remember that from school."
"Ya, and I remember weggies, but that don't help us here!, "snapped Mike.
"OK, calm down, "snapped Jason...first let's align the poles perpendicular to the door...ah, does anyone know where the door is on this tent?"
The three scanned around the tent walking in circles in an almost military formation.
"OK, we've done this three times...so where's the door?" yelled Mike.
Both sighed. "OK, let's take a guess. The stakes...ha, get it...stakes...you know like tent stakes."
The crickets began chirping.
"OK, that wasn't that funny, "said Jason.
(fifteen minutes later)
"OK, now connect the dotted poles to the long tapered ends of the angles poles J and K while ensuring that connection Q lines up with connection AZ parallel to the tent door while inserting poles J and K in sleeves ZA and ZB...oh crap...I give up."
(fifteen minutes later)
"Now connect poles J and K to spring locks XVB and XVC which are facing the ground. Place then at 60 degree angles to ensure alignment with ends J1 and J2 which are attached to J and K...this is insane. How in hell can anyone put a f-king tent up, "snapped Mike Lowell throwing the instructions to the ground.
"Calm down, "said Jason. "Consider the fact that we're basically dealing with geometry..."
"Hell no, "yelled Mike. "We're dealing with a guy with a mental complex! Nobody's gonna figure this out."
(two hours later)
"I can't believe we got those stupid poles up. This thing must be 8 feet high. How in hell are we gonna get the rain covering on that! I'm sure there's some trick."snapped Mike.
"Mike, we're almost done here. Now what's next Mike, "said Jason,
"Attach rain flap to top of...oh sh-t, "snapped Mike. "How am I supposed to do that. I'm not eight feet tall!"
"Let me see that, "snapped Jason.
"Attack rain flap to top of poll ensuring a smooth and consistent covering. Using connections XZ-1 and XZ-2 which are aligned wit the surface of...man, I have a headache."
Jason tossed the instructions down.
"Who needs a rain flap anyway! Tent is finished!"
"I'm hungry, "said Tim.
Jason sighed. "Good thinking. I'll get the stove ready. I was told it was easy assembly."
Mike just hit his head against a tree.
(minutes later)
"Attach the stove connection ZTR-QE parallel to the orifice ZTR while ensuring not to cross thread the attachment's end ZTR-QD before attaching the propane bottle in a clockwise direction parallel to the orifice. "
Mike took a gulp of beer.
"I see Mr. Lobotomy wrote the same instruction manual for..."
"Will you shut up, "yelled Jason. "I can't tell which end of ZTR do I use. Do I use ZTR-QE or ZTR-QD...s-t this is insane."
"How about we just start a camp fire?"
Everyone agreed.
(twenty minutes later)
"Just great Jason. We can barely put a tent up and can't light a stove and now this campfire looks like David Ortiz's cigar. "
Jason sighed. "I'm sorry guys. I'd thought this would be a nice time!"
Mike sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I just didn't expect to do so much thinking."
Tim coughed and then dumped some gasoline on the fire. A blast of hot fire burst through the air setting Mike's hair on fire.'
"Oh s-t. Help!"
Mike then ran down to the lake and dumped his hair on the water. A loud scream followed as the water was about 30 degrees farhrenheit.
(twenty minutes later)
"Cold...I'm so cold...and so hungry, "said Mike in a squimish voice freezing in the sleeping bag in the tent. With the scalding burns on his head and the loss of hair, he was utterly burning with cold.
"Need rain flap, "said Jason in desperation.
"will get cccc...colder, "said Tim shivering.
"Hate...this...trip, "said Jason shivering.
"We have to setup the tent...flap...use..."
"Hotel, "said Tim. "We need a hotel and we need...it...now."
"What...what if...we just use our own bodyheat, 'said Jason. "Curl up together and warm ourselves up! You know the boyscout manual says get naked and get in one sleeping bag. Should we try that?"
The two raised their necks and starred for a long time at Jason.
"Or...not, "said Jason.
A pause came as white flakes came down from the overhead of the tent.
"Is...that...snow? "asked Jason.
"Looks like snow, "said Mike in monotone.
"Tastes like snow, "said Tim.
A pause followed as more and more snow fell on the sleeping bags.
"We should have put up the rainflap, "said Jason.
"Not possible, "said Mike. "Tent...impossible to put...together...takes special training and...a degree...from college."
"Getting...colder...snow burn my...skin."
The three flung from their beds. They ran outside forgetting shoes and grabbed the flap. Mike threw it over the top of the tent and watched it slide gently to the ground on the other side of the tent. Tim Wakefield grabbed it and threw it on top watching it slide to the other side of the tent. Jason grabbed it and threw it on top. Mike grabbed and end. Jason grabbed the other end and both pulled it until it slid down gently from the top of the tent and fell to the ground. Tears began to flow from everyone at the tent.
"Madness." said Tim.
"To the van, "screamed Mike.
The three then ran into the large rental van and fell inside like a pack of wolves.
Jason turned on the engine and blasted the heat. He then turned it off realizing the engine had no warmed up yet.
"bad...bad time, "said Mike so cold now his voice was shaking like the rest of his body.
In ten minutes the heat came on and everyone could feel parts of their body again.
"Jason, "said Mike.
"Ya."
"Did you...by any chance...leave our clothes in the tent so that...they will all get soaked in snow."
A pause followed.
"Maybe..."
"OK, "said Mike not caring at the moment.
"Arnie...let's call Arnie up. He'll know what to do, "said Jason.
They grabbed cell phones and discovered they had no signal but it didn't matter as the batteries were almost gone.
"We're going to die here aren't we, "said Mike.
"Yes, "said Jason not reacting to the question.
"Man we're wimps, "said Tim Wakefield.
"I put up...with Manny..Ramirez, put up with Dice-K and Julio Lugo. I am SO not a wimp."
Within minutes exhaustion had taken over. The three fell asleep and slept under the stars not realizing how bad their backs and necks would feel in the morning.
To be continued....
They had flown in and bought their camping equipment along with rental vehicles and headed to the great outdoors.
It was 7:00 pm and already dark when the crew arrived at the site. There were trees everywhere and the air was clean and fresh. The group got out with a less than enthusiastic look on their faces.
"How in heck did we take four hours to find this place, "snapped Mike Lowell who's hip was in pain from the damp air.
"Hey, we're roughing it right, " said the leader Jason Varitek. "No GPS's, no cell phones, no tvs, etc. We're back to nature."
"My hip wants a hotpad, "snapped Mike.
"Come on, let's get the tent up, "said Tim Wakefield looking tired and sore.
They had everything unwrapped and started looking at the directions. The tent lay flat on the ground. Poles and ropes lay everywhere in unsorted piles with no attempt at organization. Mike read the directions out loud.
"Place the long poles J1x and K1x with red dots perpendicular to door Vx1 of the tent X1 aligning the tapered ends T1 and T2 opposite to the connections on the hub PX2-z and then connect the poles J1x and K1z using the spring lock mechanism HRx located in the hub H1-x12 after first sliding the poles J1z and K1x through the sleeves S1r and S2r on the tent. Be sure not to put too much pressure maintaining a steady aim while connecting the perpendicular pieces to the hub Px2-z."
Mike paused, looked up and said, "what the f-k?"
Tim sighed and said, "perpendicular...hmmm...I remember that from school."
"Ya, and I remember weggies, but that don't help us here!, "snapped Mike.
"OK, calm down, "snapped Jason...first let's align the poles perpendicular to the door...ah, does anyone know where the door is on this tent?"
The three scanned around the tent walking in circles in an almost military formation.
"OK, we've done this three times...so where's the door?" yelled Mike.
Both sighed. "OK, let's take a guess. The stakes...ha, get it...stakes...you know like tent stakes."
The crickets began chirping.
"OK, that wasn't that funny, "said Jason.
(fifteen minutes later)
"OK, now connect the dotted poles to the long tapered ends of the angles poles J and K while ensuring that connection Q lines up with connection AZ parallel to the tent door while inserting poles J and K in sleeves ZA and ZB...oh crap...I give up."
(fifteen minutes later)
"Now connect poles J and K to spring locks XVB and XVC which are facing the ground. Place then at 60 degree angles to ensure alignment with ends J1 and J2 which are attached to J and K...this is insane. How in hell can anyone put a f-king tent up, "snapped Mike Lowell throwing the instructions to the ground.
"Calm down, "said Jason. "Consider the fact that we're basically dealing with geometry..."
"Hell no, "yelled Mike. "We're dealing with a guy with a mental complex! Nobody's gonna figure this out."
(two hours later)
"I can't believe we got those stupid poles up. This thing must be 8 feet high. How in hell are we gonna get the rain covering on that! I'm sure there's some trick."snapped Mike.
"Mike, we're almost done here. Now what's next Mike, "said Jason,
"Attach rain flap to top of...oh sh-t, "snapped Mike. "How am I supposed to do that. I'm not eight feet tall!"
"Let me see that, "snapped Jason.
"Attack rain flap to top of poll ensuring a smooth and consistent covering. Using connections XZ-1 and XZ-2 which are aligned wit the surface of...man, I have a headache."
Jason tossed the instructions down.
"Who needs a rain flap anyway! Tent is finished!"
"I'm hungry, "said Tim.
Jason sighed. "Good thinking. I'll get the stove ready. I was told it was easy assembly."
Mike just hit his head against a tree.
(minutes later)
"Attach the stove connection ZTR-QE parallel to the orifice ZTR while ensuring not to cross thread the attachment's end ZTR-QD before attaching the propane bottle in a clockwise direction parallel to the orifice. "
Mike took a gulp of beer.
"I see Mr. Lobotomy wrote the same instruction manual for..."
"Will you shut up, "yelled Jason. "I can't tell which end of ZTR do I use. Do I use ZTR-QE or ZTR-QD...s-t this is insane."
"How about we just start a camp fire?"
Everyone agreed.
(twenty minutes later)
"Just great Jason. We can barely put a tent up and can't light a stove and now this campfire looks like David Ortiz's cigar. "
Jason sighed. "I'm sorry guys. I'd thought this would be a nice time!"
Mike sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I just didn't expect to do so much thinking."
Tim coughed and then dumped some gasoline on the fire. A blast of hot fire burst through the air setting Mike's hair on fire.'
"Oh s-t. Help!"
Mike then ran down to the lake and dumped his hair on the water. A loud scream followed as the water was about 30 degrees farhrenheit.
(twenty minutes later)
"Cold...I'm so cold...and so hungry, "said Mike in a squimish voice freezing in the sleeping bag in the tent. With the scalding burns on his head and the loss of hair, he was utterly burning with cold.
"Need rain flap, "said Jason in desperation.
"will get cccc...colder, "said Tim shivering.
"Hate...this...trip, "said Jason shivering.
"We have to setup the tent...flap...use..."
"Hotel, "said Tim. "We need a hotel and we need...it...now."
"What...what if...we just use our own bodyheat, 'said Jason. "Curl up together and warm ourselves up! You know the boyscout manual says get naked and get in one sleeping bag. Should we try that?"
The two raised their necks and starred for a long time at Jason.
"Or...not, "said Jason.
A pause came as white flakes came down from the overhead of the tent.
"Is...that...snow? "asked Jason.
"Looks like snow, "said Mike in monotone.
"Tastes like snow, "said Tim.
A pause followed as more and more snow fell on the sleeping bags.
"We should have put up the rainflap, "said Jason.
"Not possible, "said Mike. "Tent...impossible to put...together...takes special training and...a degree...from college."
"Getting...colder...snow burn my...skin."
The three flung from their beds. They ran outside forgetting shoes and grabbed the flap. Mike threw it over the top of the tent and watched it slide gently to the ground on the other side of the tent. Tim Wakefield grabbed it and threw it on top watching it slide to the other side of the tent. Jason grabbed it and threw it on top. Mike grabbed and end. Jason grabbed the other end and both pulled it until it slid down gently from the top of the tent and fell to the ground. Tears began to flow from everyone at the tent.
"Madness." said Tim.
"To the van, "screamed Mike.
The three then ran into the large rental van and fell inside like a pack of wolves.
Jason turned on the engine and blasted the heat. He then turned it off realizing the engine had no warmed up yet.
"bad...bad time, "said Mike so cold now his voice was shaking like the rest of his body.
In ten minutes the heat came on and everyone could feel parts of their body again.
"Jason, "said Mike.
"Ya."
"Did you...by any chance...leave our clothes in the tent so that...they will all get soaked in snow."
A pause followed.
"Maybe..."
"OK, "said Mike not caring at the moment.
"Arnie...let's call Arnie up. He'll know what to do, "said Jason.
They grabbed cell phones and discovered they had no signal but it didn't matter as the batteries were almost gone.
"We're going to die here aren't we, "said Mike.
"Yes, "said Jason not reacting to the question.
"Man we're wimps, "said Tim Wakefield.
"I put up...with Manny..Ramirez, put up with Dice-K and Julio Lugo. I am SO not a wimp."
Within minutes exhaustion had taken over. The three fell asleep and slept under the stars not realizing how bad their backs and necks would feel in the morning.
To be continued....
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Lugo on Cops
A drive down a dark road with a cop car. Julio Lugo is driving.
"My name is Julio Lugo. In addition...to my 3:00 am talk show that has great ratings, I also am a Baltimore cop."
(Radio)
"Possible murder at 34th and wine. Over"
"Glad that's over. Anyway, I like being a cop. It's very rewarding for me. Sometimes people go to me and say get the f-k out of here but most of the times they just ignore me...oh, my cell phone is ringing."
(Cell phone)
"Lugo you moron. Get over to 34th and wine. You have a murder. Didn't you hear the radio."
"Apparently, there has been yet another murder at 34th and wine and this one isn't over. "
Lugo drives over to the scene.
"Oh man this is nasty. Yuck! Well what we have here is a murder. "
A cop walks up to Lugo.
"Hey, where ya been? We're looking for the murder weapon."
"Did you check under the car."
"Ya..."
"Did you check on the roof?"
"Ya..."
"Well...I'm out of ideas."
The other cop sighs and the radio on Lugo's head set kicks in.
"Any officer available. Argument at 45th and Vine. Over."
"Man why do they keep calling us when its over. So pointless! Stupid Baltimore police...ah, you're not filming that are you?"
(Later at the scene)
"OK, now that I know 'over' means the end of the radio, I guess I can understand why I keep getting put on report every night. Gee...anyway, we have a man and a man and the man...what's his name hit the other...man what's his name."
(At the scene)
"What's the problem man!"
"That man hit me. He hit me all over. I want him in jail!"
Lugo nods.
"Aren't you going to arrest him?"
Lugo walks over to the man.
"Did you hit him?"
"no!"
Lugo throws up his hands.
"WHAT ABOUT THE BLACK EYE AND THE BRUISED LIP YOU MORON!"
"He fell down the stairs...officer Lugo and I'm a big fan of yours on the Orioles and I love your talk show."
Lugo accepts the $50 put in his hands.
"Well sorry man but its clear this guy didn't do anything."
"AHHH! " screamed the other man.
(Later)
"That was a messy situation. He says he didn't do it and he says he did it. How am I supposed to tell and then the guy slips me a $50 and I'm like, this guy is a nice guy. I mean then he gives me his gold watch and its a nice one. What can I do? I mean, you don't turn down presents! Then the other man gives me $75 dollars and at the end of the hour, both of them give me $200 dollars and a gold watch and a nice wool sweater. I gotta tell ya, I like Baltimore."
"They bribed you?"
"No, of course not. I never accept bribes. So OK so I guess the case is closed."
Join us next time for another episode of Lugo -> Cop!
"My name is Julio Lugo. In addition...to my 3:00 am talk show that has great ratings, I also am a Baltimore cop."
(Radio)
"Possible murder at 34th and wine. Over"
"Glad that's over. Anyway, I like being a cop. It's very rewarding for me. Sometimes people go to me and say get the f-k out of here but most of the times they just ignore me...oh, my cell phone is ringing."
(Cell phone)
"Lugo you moron. Get over to 34th and wine. You have a murder. Didn't you hear the radio."
"Apparently, there has been yet another murder at 34th and wine and this one isn't over. "
Lugo drives over to the scene.
"Oh man this is nasty. Yuck! Well what we have here is a murder. "
A cop walks up to Lugo.
"Hey, where ya been? We're looking for the murder weapon."
"Did you check under the car."
"Ya..."
"Did you check on the roof?"
"Ya..."
"Well...I'm out of ideas."
The other cop sighs and the radio on Lugo's head set kicks in.
"Any officer available. Argument at 45th and Vine. Over."
"Man why do they keep calling us when its over. So pointless! Stupid Baltimore police...ah, you're not filming that are you?"
(Later at the scene)
"OK, now that I know 'over' means the end of the radio, I guess I can understand why I keep getting put on report every night. Gee...anyway, we have a man and a man and the man...what's his name hit the other...man what's his name."
(At the scene)
"What's the problem man!"
"That man hit me. He hit me all over. I want him in jail!"
Lugo nods.
"Aren't you going to arrest him?"
Lugo walks over to the man.
"Did you hit him?"
"no!"
Lugo throws up his hands.
"WHAT ABOUT THE BLACK EYE AND THE BRUISED LIP YOU MORON!"
"He fell down the stairs...officer Lugo and I'm a big fan of yours on the Orioles and I love your talk show."
Lugo accepts the $50 put in his hands.
"Well sorry man but its clear this guy didn't do anything."
"AHHH! " screamed the other man.
(Later)
"That was a messy situation. He says he didn't do it and he says he did it. How am I supposed to tell and then the guy slips me a $50 and I'm like, this guy is a nice guy. I mean then he gives me his gold watch and its a nice one. What can I do? I mean, you don't turn down presents! Then the other man gives me $75 dollars and at the end of the hour, both of them give me $200 dollars and a gold watch and a nice wool sweater. I gotta tell ya, I like Baltimore."
"They bribed you?"
"No, of course not. I never accept bribes. So OK so I guess the case is closed."
Join us next time for another episode of Lugo -> Cop!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
2010 Overview
Hello, I'm Joe Derive. With the 2010 season looming, everybody was excited at another stellar job with Theo Epstein and the Red Sox.
After an incredible season of 2009, the Sox turned to Theo and Theo delivered in 2010. After dumping all star shortstop Alex Gonsalez who had a banner year, Theo wisely unloaded this waste of material in favor of Mark Scutaro who showed up right away why he was the better choice.
(in-game annoucement)
"The ball is grounded out to Scutaro who throws it away flying the ball way past Kevin Youkilis. This is the one-a-day affair of bad throws. Man he sucks. Where is Alex Gonsalez."
Clearly the showing of Mark Scutaro showed everyone in New England why Theo Epstein is the genius of Boston.
Now Theo wasn't done there. He realized that the Sox needed pitching and turned to a new ace in John Lackey who showed everyone why he is the best in the league.
(in game announcement)
"Line drive base hit. That'll score two more runs and the Sox are behind 9 - 0 thanks to another fruitless John Lackey effort who can't seem to find the strike zone, strike out a batter, or for that matter, throw to first base. Man he sucks."
Realizing that John Lackey needed some support in runs and hits, he turned to the battering ram of Mike Cameron. The 38 year old showed us all why he's the heart of the Red Sox order.
(in game announcement)
And Cameron is out again with a hernia and it looks like he's out for the season forcing the Red Sox to pick from their farm system. He's hardly played this season. Unbelievable. Another brilliant move by Boy Genius Theo Epstein. Man, can he pick em'.
The brilliance of Theo Epstein continued to flow like molasses sticking to the side of a hot road...errr...that doesn't make any sense. Anyway, the Terminator himself, Adrian Beltre showed us all why he's the best in the game."
(in game announcement)
"A high popup and, and, oh no. He crashed into Jacobe Ellsbury and Ellsbury is clearly in pain. Looks like he might have broken a rib. What was Beltre thinking? "
(in game announcement)
A high fly ball and...no, no...Beltre crashed into Hermida and now he's walking away in pain. That's after Beltre threw the ball away instead of just throwing to first base. What is this s-t? This guys a moron! Way to go boy Genius"
All efforts worked out exceedingly well and Theo Epstein shined with once again like having J.D. Drew out there showing us all why he's the best in the game.
(in game)
"It appears that Drew is out of the game...something about heat exhaustion...even though its 75 degrees out and cloudy. I understand he's also going on the D.L. because of a burn on his tongue from hot sauce...I mean...how do you pay this guy!"
All in all, the Red Sox were a tough team to beat. Unfortunately because of injuries and a curse setup by Julio Lugo on being left out of the team, the Sox faltered and decayed despite the great defense efforts of the entire team.
"Ground ball to Beckett and he...he throws it away. Can't anybody throw to first base. I though this was grammar school. I can't believe this.
Everybody looks forward again to next year as Theo already is talking about dumping garbage like Clay Buckhotz, who while honored as the best pitcher of the game, is not fit for the Red Sox. Then there are players like Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis who are clearly on their way out. Fortunately we have David Ortiz.
"Ground ball to second and a double play as David Ortiz once again hits to the shift and looks like a guy still trying to get a square peg into a round hole. The Sox only chance at a rally and Ortiz again blows it. What an idiot!
OK, I was paid a ton of money to do this so forgive...Joe Derive.
After an incredible season of 2009, the Sox turned to Theo and Theo delivered in 2010. After dumping all star shortstop Alex Gonsalez who had a banner year, Theo wisely unloaded this waste of material in favor of Mark Scutaro who showed up right away why he was the better choice.
(in-game annoucement)
"The ball is grounded out to Scutaro who throws it away flying the ball way past Kevin Youkilis. This is the one-a-day affair of bad throws. Man he sucks. Where is Alex Gonsalez."
Clearly the showing of Mark Scutaro showed everyone in New England why Theo Epstein is the genius of Boston.
Now Theo wasn't done there. He realized that the Sox needed pitching and turned to a new ace in John Lackey who showed everyone why he is the best in the league.
(in game announcement)
"Line drive base hit. That'll score two more runs and the Sox are behind 9 - 0 thanks to another fruitless John Lackey effort who can't seem to find the strike zone, strike out a batter, or for that matter, throw to first base. Man he sucks."
Realizing that John Lackey needed some support in runs and hits, he turned to the battering ram of Mike Cameron. The 38 year old showed us all why he's the heart of the Red Sox order.
(in game announcement)
And Cameron is out again with a hernia and it looks like he's out for the season forcing the Red Sox to pick from their farm system. He's hardly played this season. Unbelievable. Another brilliant move by Boy Genius Theo Epstein. Man, can he pick em'.
The brilliance of Theo Epstein continued to flow like molasses sticking to the side of a hot road...errr...that doesn't make any sense. Anyway, the Terminator himself, Adrian Beltre showed us all why he's the best in the game."
(in game announcement)
"A high popup and, and, oh no. He crashed into Jacobe Ellsbury and Ellsbury is clearly in pain. Looks like he might have broken a rib. What was Beltre thinking? "
(in game announcement)
A high fly ball and...no, no...Beltre crashed into Hermida and now he's walking away in pain. That's after Beltre threw the ball away instead of just throwing to first base. What is this s-t? This guys a moron! Way to go boy Genius"
All efforts worked out exceedingly well and Theo Epstein shined with once again like having J.D. Drew out there showing us all why he's the best in the game.
(in game)
"It appears that Drew is out of the game...something about heat exhaustion...even though its 75 degrees out and cloudy. I understand he's also going on the D.L. because of a burn on his tongue from hot sauce...I mean...how do you pay this guy!"
All in all, the Red Sox were a tough team to beat. Unfortunately because of injuries and a curse setup by Julio Lugo on being left out of the team, the Sox faltered and decayed despite the great defense efforts of the entire team.
"Ground ball to Beckett and he...he throws it away. Can't anybody throw to first base. I though this was grammar school. I can't believe this.
Everybody looks forward again to next year as Theo already is talking about dumping garbage like Clay Buckhotz, who while honored as the best pitcher of the game, is not fit for the Red Sox. Then there are players like Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis who are clearly on their way out. Fortunately we have David Ortiz.
"Ground ball to second and a double play as David Ortiz once again hits to the shift and looks like a guy still trying to get a square peg into a round hole. The Sox only chance at a rally and Ortiz again blows it. What an idiot!
OK, I was paid a ton of money to do this so forgive...Joe Derive.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
A Day In the Life of John Farrell
8:30 am
A boiling mad John Lackey stormed into John Farrell's office. He had lost the game blowing an early lead. He was very angry it seemed considering the rocket launcher he carried in his arm.
"I hate BOSTON. They say Lackey no have CONTROL! I have control of my temper. I show them with my bazooka! Blow their heads off."
John waved his hands into the air.
"They were talking about your pitching control...Johnny. They were not talking about your temper."
Johnny let down his bazooka.
"Oh, OK. I don't care about that. You guys pay me even if I suck which is most of the time. Have you seen my mommy?"
"We all know that Looney Johnny, "forcibly smiled John Farrell.
"OK, I'm done now. You seen my sippy cup?"
"Bye Johnny."
John signed and leaned back at his desk. Clay Buckhotz came in.
"Johnny, them guys on the team offered me 160 proof whiskey. They say it's gonna make me smarterer. My Daddy says that with my intelligence, I shouldn't consider getting drunk. Might damage whatever gray matter I have left."
"That's good advice Clay."
"Then...I should..."
"no, no, no. No alcohol of any sort for you. You need to avoid that. Just remember...LUGO!"
"Oh ya...thanks John."
Clay left the place. John watched the steam from his coffee travel up a path to the ceiling. He was tired. The team was a bunch of nutcases.
"John!!! I need more of those erection pills..."
"You mean...stimulation pills Andrian....stimulation pills."
<< FLASHBACK <<
"Gotta get that ball....It's mine. John gave me pills...gotta...crap I broke Ellsbury's ribs."
<< FLASHBACK <<
"Gotta get that ball...it's mine. John gave me stimulation pills...gotta...crap I broke Hermida's ribs."
>> PRESENT TIME >>
"I really don't think you need that anymore Beltre. People are afraid to be near you on the playing field."
"But...I need it. I feel so worn out and draggy all the time. "
"Adrian, you're draggy is everyone else on caffeine pills. You make Daffy Duck seem lethargic."
(long pause)
"That means you make Daffy Duck seem boring to watch."
"OK well I can deal with that. OK...I'm OK "
The door closed.
"I gotta find me a new job."
Theo walked in sitting down.
"For next year, we need to keep John Lackey. He's exceeded expectations in subtle ways. We need to get rid of Clay and Lester. I feel we can trade them for a big bat like Jeff Mathis of the Reds. He may be considered the worst player in the league right now but I feel that we need to outbid ourselves and get him. "
"Clay and Lester are the best pitchers of our staff."
"They will ask for too much money. We can't keep them and expect to afford great players like J.D. Drew."
"Excuse me Theo, I feel a headache coming on."
"I think I know the problem. You're upset that I want to trade Daniel Bard for Scott Olsen who has a 2 and 9 record and that's not enough to guarantee a trade. Don't worry, I threw in Jonathan Papelbon to guarantee it. "
"Theo, I have a press conference in ten minutes."
"OK...bye."
>> Ten Minutes Later
"John, how do you feel the pitching staff is shaping up to be this year."
"Ah..."
"John, how excited were you at the John Lackey purchase and do you now feel it wasn't worth the money."
"Ah....
"John, why is Tim Wakefield being treated so poorly by a team that once honored him."
"Ah..."
>> LATER
John sat back in his office.
"That went well, " he thought to himself.
The phone rang.
"Great press conference, John...maybe next time you'll actually answer a question or two!"
John only had one thing to say... "Ah..."
A boiling mad John Lackey stormed into John Farrell's office. He had lost the game blowing an early lead. He was very angry it seemed considering the rocket launcher he carried in his arm.
"I hate BOSTON. They say Lackey no have CONTROL! I have control of my temper. I show them with my bazooka! Blow their heads off."
John waved his hands into the air.
"They were talking about your pitching control...Johnny. They were not talking about your temper."
Johnny let down his bazooka.
"Oh, OK. I don't care about that. You guys pay me even if I suck which is most of the time. Have you seen my mommy?"
"We all know that Looney Johnny, "forcibly smiled John Farrell.
"OK, I'm done now. You seen my sippy cup?"
"Bye Johnny."
John signed and leaned back at his desk. Clay Buckhotz came in.
"Johnny, them guys on the team offered me 160 proof whiskey. They say it's gonna make me smarterer. My Daddy says that with my intelligence, I shouldn't consider getting drunk. Might damage whatever gray matter I have left."
"That's good advice Clay."
"Then...I should..."
"no, no, no. No alcohol of any sort for you. You need to avoid that. Just remember...LUGO!"
"Oh ya...thanks John."
Clay left the place. John watched the steam from his coffee travel up a path to the ceiling. He was tired. The team was a bunch of nutcases.
"John!!! I need more of those erection pills..."
"You mean...stimulation pills Andrian....stimulation pills."
<< FLASHBACK <<
"Gotta get that ball....It's mine. John gave me pills...gotta...crap I broke Ellsbury's ribs."
<< FLASHBACK <<
"Gotta get that ball...it's mine. John gave me stimulation pills...gotta...crap I broke Hermida's ribs."
>> PRESENT TIME >>
"I really don't think you need that anymore Beltre. People are afraid to be near you on the playing field."
"But...I need it. I feel so worn out and draggy all the time. "
"Adrian, you're draggy is everyone else on caffeine pills. You make Daffy Duck seem lethargic."
(long pause)
"That means you make Daffy Duck seem boring to watch."
"OK well I can deal with that. OK...I'm OK "
The door closed.
"I gotta find me a new job."
Theo walked in sitting down.
"For next year, we need to keep John Lackey. He's exceeded expectations in subtle ways. We need to get rid of Clay and Lester. I feel we can trade them for a big bat like Jeff Mathis of the Reds. He may be considered the worst player in the league right now but I feel that we need to outbid ourselves and get him. "
"Clay and Lester are the best pitchers of our staff."
"They will ask for too much money. We can't keep them and expect to afford great players like J.D. Drew."
"Excuse me Theo, I feel a headache coming on."
"I think I know the problem. You're upset that I want to trade Daniel Bard for Scott Olsen who has a 2 and 9 record and that's not enough to guarantee a trade. Don't worry, I threw in Jonathan Papelbon to guarantee it. "
"Theo, I have a press conference in ten minutes."
"OK...bye."
>> Ten Minutes Later
"John, how do you feel the pitching staff is shaping up to be this year."
"Ah..."
"John, how excited were you at the John Lackey purchase and do you now feel it wasn't worth the money."
"Ah....
"John, why is Tim Wakefield being treated so poorly by a team that once honored him."
"Ah..."
>> LATER
John sat back in his office.
"That went well, " he thought to himself.
The phone rang.
"Great press conference, John...maybe next time you'll actually answer a question or two!"
John only had one thing to say... "Ah..."
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friendlies Ad
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo and I...ah...what do I say?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo and I..ah...damn I think I talk about corn flakes?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take three."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo. I play for the...ah...Sox or I think...oh ya my butt's itchy."
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take four."
"Hello I'm Julio Lugo and I love Friendly's bacon double apple cheese stick fries chocolate...oh crap I'm confused."
"So are we...you're FIRED!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Johnny Damon."
"I'm Johnny Damon and i'm making love to this new double cheeseburger sandwich so come on over to my private place and we can share quiet time with my cheese and my...."
"Hey...this is family friendly Damon! OK.
"Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two. Johnny Damon."
"I'm Johnny World Series Hall Of Famer , you know the guy you go to and come inside of when you're head him. Mmmm don't you want it?"
"OK...we're done here."
"Can I sit on the couch and show you my..."
"NO!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Manny Ramirez."
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. When I play for the Red Sox...oh ya, I left those losers. "
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two. Zazu"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and when I play for the Dodgers...oh ya they fired me. Hey how could they do that. I quit! I'm tired of those bunch of losers!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take three Zazu!"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and...oh crap...who da f-k do I play for now?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take four. Zazu"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and I play for the Chicken Indian...oh s-t. I dumped them when I went to the Crap Sox...crap I hate this place and I hate this ad. This play blows. "
"GET OUT"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Roger Clemens."
"Hi, I'm Roger Clemens and I deny ever taking a Friendly's sandwich or anything else for that matter. I'm a hall of fame pitcher and I say screw this stupid sandwich and...'
"Get OUT of here!."
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take fifteen. Bud Selig."
"I"m rather be castrated that appear in this stupid ad for some lard butt sandwich..."
"You know folks...maybe baseball isn't the best spokesman for a commercial. Let's try Paris Hilton. She can't be any worse. "
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo and I...ah...what do I say?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo and I..ah...damn I think I talk about corn flakes?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take three."
"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo. I play for the...ah...Sox or I think...oh ya my butt's itchy."
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take four."
"Hello I'm Julio Lugo and I love Friendly's bacon double apple cheese stick fries chocolate...oh crap I'm confused."
"So are we...you're FIRED!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Johnny Damon."
"I'm Johnny Damon and i'm making love to this new double cheeseburger sandwich so come on over to my private place and we can share quiet time with my cheese and my...."
"Hey...this is family friendly Damon! OK.
"Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two. Johnny Damon."
"I'm Johnny World Series Hall Of Famer , you know the guy you go to and come inside of when you're head him. Mmmm don't you want it?"
"OK...we're done here."
"Can I sit on the couch and show you my..."
"NO!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Manny Ramirez."
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. When I play for the Red Sox...oh ya, I left those losers. "
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take two. Zazu"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and when I play for the Dodgers...oh ya they fired me. Hey how could they do that. I quit! I'm tired of those bunch of losers!"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take three Zazu!"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and...oh crap...who da f-k do I play for now?"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take four. Zazu"
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez and I play for the Chicken Indian...oh s-t. I dumped them when I went to the Crap Sox...crap I hate this place and I hate this ad. This play blows. "
"GET OUT"
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take one. Roger Clemens."
"Hi, I'm Roger Clemens and I deny ever taking a Friendly's sandwich or anything else for that matter. I'm a hall of fame pitcher and I say screw this stupid sandwich and...'
"Get OUT of here!."
"OK. Friendly's Double Cheese Hamburger with fries, take fifteen. Bud Selig."
"I"m rather be castrated that appear in this stupid ad for some lard butt sandwich..."
"You know folks...maybe baseball isn't the best spokesman for a commercial. Let's try Paris Hilton. She can't be any worse. "
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