Jeopardy with Lugo, Damon and Zazu

"Hello everyone. I'm Alex Trebeck and this is celebrity jeopardy. We have today three great stars of today's game. First, Julio Lugo of the Baltimore Orioles..."

"Ha, " laughed Johnny Damon. "Star...ya right. Star of the laundry room!"

"OK...let's keep this civil. Then we also have Zazu, known as Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers..."

"LOOSER...wait I'm hurt...oweee...I'm Zazu...oh the pain..., "laughed Johnny Damon.

(pause)

"OK, finally, we have..."

"Johnny Damon...the man who guarantees World Series rings to any team that gets him, is a future Hall of Famer...first vote, is humble, lovable and has a new Johnny Damon doll where you strokc my ego to get me to work...if ya know what I mean. Ya get it? Stroking?"

"I got it Johnny. You have proven you have the mind of a twelve year old. OK..."

"Alex I just want to say..."

"SHUT UP, "snapped Lugo and Zazu.

"OK, we have the categories..."

(BEEP)

"You don't beep in until I tell you too Johnny."

"Considering I'm the only one who can get any of this...why don't we just give me the money now."

"Where's a stiff drink when you need one. Now, categories are...Literature, History, Math, Baseball, Art and Science...go ahead ...Johnny."

"Asshole, "snapped Lugo.

"I'll take Science for $500 Alex."

"It's the elementary particle that protons and neutrons are made out of."

"Well...considering they're that tiny, I'd say Lugos' #$##$"

"#$#$ you ass#$#$. I'll kill you right now with my paperclip!"

"Everyone calm down. Now Johnny, how does anyone put up with you. You're a total...no I won't say it. Now answer the #$#$ question."

"OK, the answer is...ah...I...ah...du...ah..."

"Sorry Johnny. You took to long. Anybody else?"

"What are beads?, "snapped Julio Lugo.

"OK, why don't we try another category. Here...I'll pick. How about baseball for $100. It's the pitch that doesn't go in straight but breaks its path and curves."

(long pause)

"Oh come on. Nobody can be this dumb! It's a curveball. Got the HINT. Curves! How can you all be that stupid!"

"Hey Alex, you're kinda being insulting here, 'snapped Zazu. "It's not I NEED the money here. I'm mean I'm Zazu. I don't even have to play the game to get millions like this year where I'm on the disabled list all the time or last year where I tested positive for steroids. Ow...I'm on the D.L. again. Hey where's my fifty two million dollars...HA!...ok I guess that wasn't that funny."

"All right...I've had enough. Let's just meet the players. "

"It says here Johnny that you like posing like a porn star for your website johnnydamon.com because you actually like looking like a total idiot all the time instead of most of the time."

"What? Is that what it says?"

"No its what I say and its the truth!"

"Oh, OK...well I buy the God of baseball considering I'm a first write-up hall of famer who will go down with Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb and Ted Williams..."

"As a big fat jerk? Now shut up! Can you do that manure mouth!"

"Hey did you hear what he said to me!

"Oh not to be outdone in the lobotomy department, we have Zazu who knocks down travel agents, burns bridges with everyone he plays for and still collects a paycheck. I love LA right Zazu but I see that's not true anymore. Why will you screw next? How about Seattle? Hey do you think I'm giving you a hint Zazu!"

"Alex, I've repented. I found God...or actually see myself as God so I'm OK with myself now."

"Holy s@#$! Are you serious? Are you some kind of nutcase? You're God? What's Johnny, The arch angel Michael?"

"Hey I am not anybodies b-#$h especially Zazu!"

"That picture will now stay in my head as my worst nightmare Johnny!"

(pause)

"OK finally Julio Lugo runs his own radio show called the Julio Lugo show is that right?'

"Hey, why aren't you insulting him?"

"Because he doesn't fill the room with hot air. You two call yourselves role-models? You're a disgrace to the game. You know what...I quit. I'm done. I can't put up with you two! To think kids look up to you! The Beavis and Butthead of the baseball world. Look, I'm hitting my head with a hammer... but that's OK because I'm Zazu! No wait, look I'm setting fire to the set because I can put it out all on my own and still single-handedly stop a volcano from flowing because I'm Johnny Damon."

A pause.

"Not only that Alex but I can change the orbit of earth with just a thought from my brain!, "smiled Damon.

"I'm going home. "

"I'm going to decide what team wants me next year to win a world series, "said Johnny.

"Ah...I'm thinking about my hall of fame speech after I sign with the Yankees next year. They only pick superstars not hasbeens, "smiled Zazu.

"So why are they picking you Zazu "snapped Damon!

"You're dead Damon!" snapped Zazu.

"How can you kill a god "snapped Damon.

(fight ensues)

"Portions of Jeopardy are brought to you by the Zazu doll company. Zazu, making high quality radioactive leaking dolls for families everywhere and by the Damon company. Making egos that refuse to face reality. "