The Gorilla Suit

Theo Epstein sat amidst the chaos of John Henry's busy office. Papers were everywhere and John Henry's hair, normally in place, was frazzled as he starred at his intrepid and often hapless manager.

"So, been doing any shopping lately?"

John's smile was so wry that Theo simply tapped his fingers on his desk before leaning back and trying to look relaxed. It might have helped if Theo didn't tip the chair over sending himself and the chair to the ground.

"No...don't think so...sir, "said Theo.

As Theo scrambled to recover and get his back and chair into position again John was swinging his head back and forth like a pendulum.

"You know Theo, that pitcher for Oakland...we own him. I mean the Sox can pound him into the ground. I mean we own him. "

"Yes sir, "said Theo sitting down and crossing his leg, which inadvertently knocked John's once-priceless vase on the floor. Theo watched it slowly fall to the ground and explode. John wasn't too far behind the vase.

"Yet apparently this morning, "snapped John slowly raising his voice and body at the same time, "we really do own him!"

Theo felt the sweat drip down his neck like a leaky faucet.

"Well you know..."

John was now sitting down again. He sighed and turned towards the floor.

"You haven't been wearing the gorilla suit again...in public, "said John.

"No sir..." said Theo with confidence.

"Good because the last time you did it we have a whopping contract with Julio Lugnuts..."

"Lugo...sir."

John leaned down and starred him in the face.

"L-U-G-N-U-T-S".

"Lugnuts...got it sir."

John walked over and started picking up the pieces of his vase.

"Sorry Theo, just a little tense these days...with a promised World Series ring going down the drain faster than Fat Albert and Felix the Cat."

"Right, "said Theo smiling again. He stretched his belly exposing the Star Trek shirt underneath his coat.

"I knew it, "screamed John pulling up the sweater, "the last time you wore a Star Trek shirt we had a whopping contract with J.D. Dope. Now why can't you wear the red one! The guys who wear the red ones always get killed in the original series. It's been my dream Theo. Every time I watch the original series I dream its you in those red uniforms so for the love of baseball give me liberty Theo or give me your death. "

"Ah sir, it's Drew..."

"D-O-P-E. "

Theo was so nervous that when he swung his leg he kicked the glass of the table sending it across the room smashing into a priceless painting of George Washington.

"Sorry Theo, I forgot to child-proof the room...again. I should have known better. First the world was deprived of a priceless Dead Sea Scrolls document and now the world will be without one more George Washington painting and a priceless vase from Greece!"

"I didn't...wear...the Gorilla...suit...sir."

John sat down again. Theo noticed a small tear. He reached over to grab the tissue spilling the boiling hot coffee on John's chest. A slight eruption in pain came off of John's face.

"That really hurt...I just wanted you to know that Theo...."

Theo sat down again, tipped back and sent his chair onto the ground.

"I'd help you Theo but I have second degree burns on my skin that require immediate medical attention...excuse me while I call an ambulance as well as my shrink. I think I need another session. "

"No problem sir, "said Theo feeling a ripple of pain down his back. I understand. You know sir, too bad we don't have Dice-K. We really needed that arm this year..."

Theo waited for a response.

"Excuse me Theo...I just need to get my gun out. Betsy's been hungry for a shooting...now where do you want it?"

Theo closed his eyes and thought of the gorilla suit...which gave him a great trade idea. He pondered the idea of Adrian Gonsalez and Jacobe Ellsbury for Adam LaRouche. That surely would calm John's nerves especially if he wore the gorilla suit! Nevertheless as John got up, frazzled, coffee burns on his chest, a priceless vase destroyed, a priceless George Washington painting destroyed and a convenient target that gave John an almost insane smile, Theo realized he had other things on his mind.

THE END