Joe Derive and the scary 4

Arnie, the king of restaurant owners walked to the door in utter shock.  There was Joe Derive, a reporter for the Boston Sport smiling hard as he greeted his guests.

'Arnie, ' said Joe who extended his hand.  "Like you to meet my friends."

Arnie looked over at Manny Ramirez, Bobby Valentine, Julio Lugo and Bobby Jenks.

"If those are your friends Joe, I'd hate to see your enemies, " said Arnie trying not to groan as the five walked in and sat down.  Arnie, being the kind person that he was walked over and smiled.

'So...ah...what would you like to eat...not drink...eat?"

"Hey what about the big...", said Bobby Jenks.

"Uh hu...no,no,no, ' said Joe starring down Bobby Jenks.  "What is the number one rule with you four."

In unison the four spouted out, "don't talk unless it's a life or death emergency."

Joe nodded but then added, "and..."

"Consider it optional even then, "said the four in unison.  Joe then smiled broadly. 

"That's right Arnie.  These four, and myself, will have scrambled eggs with wheat toast, a cup of fruit and coffee. "

Arnie nodded and strolled away watching the four of them in unison.

Meanwhile Joe leaned back and smiled.  "You see, "said Joe, "  You four can behave in a public setting without a single problem."

Bobby Valentine shrugged. "The problem was the Boston Media.  Totally unprofessional. One reporter didn't like the way I answered the question and refused to speak to me the entire season."

"What did you say, "asked Joe?

"I told him to go #$#$34 himself and to stick #$#$ up his #$#$#4. "

"Wow, 'said Bobby Jenks. "What was wrong with that?"

"Ya see, "snapped Joe.  "That is exactly the type of thinking that you need to eliminate.  Remember my number one rule for you Bobby!"

"Everything I say or think is always wrong, "said Bobby in monotone. 

"Exactly, "said Joe.  "You need to flip everything you said to something that comes unnatural and it will be OK."

"So I can't tell that waitress that she has the biggest..."

"No...don't go there."

"Arnie, I found what Bobby said badder.  He really needs to clean up his languageres, "said Julio Lugo.

"How did you ever run a radio show Lugo?"

"Hey, it's still on.  The Alaska show is the only locally produced radio show in the Fairbanks area between the hours of 2:00 am and 3:00 am on Monday night with a ratings of...oh two listeners."

"Stop reading from notes Julio!"

"Hey what about me, 'said Manny Ramirez.  "Everyone in China LOVES ME.  They all know how great I am."

Joe rubbed his forehead.


"Here's the food. Hey Manny, "said Arnie as he was handing out the dishes. "You doing well in China...wait...let me guess...they love you over there!"

"Hey ya they do.  How'd you know?"

"But...you're getting tired of them and their lousy attitudes..."

"Right again...you are a genius Arnie."

"Lucky guess."

Arnie walked away as the four began eating their meal.

"I need it bad Joe.  For some reason women don't find me attractive!" said Bobby Jenks.

"That's because you're overweight and unlikeable, "said Bobby Valentine.

"Darnit Bobby...you two are giving the name Bobby a BAD name...wow"

"I just tell the truth, "snapped Bobby Valentine.

"Are you calling me FAT!!!"

"No, no, "said Bobby Valentine.  "I'm fat...you're thin and great looking."

Joe shook his head. Once again Bobby Valentine was doing the 'V' talk. 

"Man...why did I agree to this outing anyway Joe?"

"Because you're part of my new public relations study to determine if guys like you can function in the real world."

"I can function just fine...it's the world that's the problem, "snapped Bobby Valentine.

'Next you'll say that I just misinterpreted the fact that you just insulted the entire world.'

"Kind of, 'said a shamed Valentine.

"I've been taking a math course in addition.  Thank goodness for calculators, "said Lugo.  "I was having the worst time adding 5 + 12 until I punched it in a calculator and got 87.  Whew that was hard, "said Lugo.

"Hard...ya...I miss..."

"BOBBY, "cursed Joe Derive.  "Get your mind off yourself."

"That's it.  I'm sick of you guys and maybe you sick of Manny.  I want to stay in China where they love me there and in the meantime I'm going to shove Joe Derive to the ground just cause."

"Ow, "snapped Joe.

"That's it all of you.  Out of this restaurant.  I'm though with you!" said Arnie.

"See...see you four start talking and we get into trouble!"

"Joe, sorry, really but I have to run a family restaurant here."

"Does this mean that we get our $20,000 back Joe, "said Bobby Jenks.

"20,000 dollars.  Way to go Joe, "said Arnie.

Joe nodded and got up.

"OK you four we'll try again tomorrow night and this time we'll do it right.  We're going to McDonalds.

"DOUBLE FIST." snapped Bobby Jenks.

The four left and walked into the night.