Hey Joe, we're very excited about the stuff we're selling. Stuff our players have donated to us to sell at the Fenway Park Store. No more used jerseys going for...oh...$5000. Now we have stuff that every fan will love. Take David Ortiz's gold chain.
Joe:
Wow! That's amazingly generous of David to donate it to the Red Sox and NESN.
Larry:
It is, but that's the type of player David Ortiz is. He's so generous with his time and his stuff...oh, excuse me I have a call.
Larry (talking in background).
A breakin? David that's terrible. They took your...your gold chain? Horrible...listen...ya no need to contact the police Dave. We'll help you find it...ya...detectives...did they find fingerprints...oh that's too bad. Listen, I'm talking with Joe Derive...gotta go...no no cops...we'll figure it out.
Larry: (looking a bit sweaty and panicked)
So anyway, we've got other things as well. Take for example this great...well we have a photo of it.
Joe:
That's Josh Beckett's truck! Wow!
Larry:
Ya...it's awesome isn't it. Even has Josh's keg of beer in it! Awesome! We're selling it for 250 thousand dollars and that's a bargain. I mean he's no longer with the team but that doesn't mean he's not a Red Sox. He drove it all the way from Texas.
Joe:
So wow...I thought he didn't like you guys...boy was I wrong.
Larry:
Ya...oh...excuse me...
Larry (in background)
Josh...long time no hear...your truck...stolen? How terrible? Had beer in it too! Your golf clubs? Awful so why are you calling me? Oh...spotted in Boston near Fenway Park with me driving it? Ha...that's funny...well you know....seen one seem em' all. Listen...gotta go...ya Joe Derive.
Larry:
Sorry about that. Also we are selling Josh Beckett's golf clubs for only 500,000 dollars. They are custom made and he used to love them but when he left Boston he donated them to us.
Joe:
Funny because I overheard you saying his truck was stolen...with his golf clubs.
Larry:
Ha,ha,ha...ya he and I love to kid around. You know, stuff stolen, house breakins...it's a joke you know.
Joe:
Ya...funny...so what else you got?
Larry:
I saved the best for last.
Larry (in background)
What, Carl? How are you? Your bat...missing? Carl...that's horrible. Ya the one that made 3000 hits. Man that was LOW. Whoever did that ought to have their head chopped off. Ya...of course I'll help you with the investigation....police? Na, they don't know nothing. I'll solve it for you. Ya...gotta go.
Larry:
Sorry, man I hate that phone.
Joe:
So when do these items go for sale?
Larry:
Today...and it's first come first serve. We want these items GONE...preferably today...in the next few hours...and we'll be taking counteroffers as well. Really...crap the #$#$, #%$#$#$, @#@#@# phone.#$#$
Joe:
Calm down Larry!
Larry:
What!!!! Oh ya...the game ball where your threw a no-hitter...is gone. Who #$#$ cares Clay. Go $#$ in a lake. Ya #$#$ you too!
Larry:
Damn...why me? Why do they all think I stole these items when they clearly donated them to me. Anyway, we have one final item...the game ball that Clay Buckholz kindly gave to us after he threw that no-hitter. Folks...really, who wouldn't want that in their home.
Joe:
Ya...sure...anyway Larry...I have to go...
Larry:
But you haven't heard about J.D. Drew's household furniture or Tito Francona's lawn equipment...and we even rubbed off the serial numbers...
Joe:
Lawn equipment? Are you serious?
Larry:
Autographed by me too!
Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and I am OUT OF HERE!!! Welcome to the Boston Red Sox 2013 season!!!!
Larry:
Oh crap the cops!
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