Texas Rangers buys big!

"This was a very different entry I wrote for Sox And Pin Stripes. It was imagining how far we could take free agency. Granted, as we have learned, Jason did sign with the Red Sox and Manny did sign with the Dodgers. CC and Mark went to New York and the rest may be history if the Yanks keep playing like they are playing. In the meantime...enjoy because my writers block is still there. "

In what the sports world is calling the strange Texas tea, The Texas Rangers signed Manny Ramirez, Jason Varitek, Mark Texeira, and CC Sabatia along with twenty others to ten year contracts each. The total cost was what is called a prudent 680 trillion dollars. Scott Boras has stated that he loves the rational thinking that goes into the game and wishes all teams would be like the Texas Rangers.

A spokesman for the Rangers said, “It’s a deal that ensures the Rangers go to the World Series next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, with only minor changes to what is left of the organization. We’re really excited about the new team. These players will show the world that in Texas – we play hard ball.”

Ranger’s fans will have more excitement than ever. While the total cost of the new team is slightly excessive, nothing is expected to change except small changes in prices and quality. Ball park franks will still be roasting hot and delicious at only a $420.00 a piece using the finest quality hog farm scraps and wonder bread. If you want ketchup, it’s no problem since it didn't pass FDA inspection anyway.

Parking fees will still be only $500.00 a piece for the first twenty minutes and only $100 after that, but for those on a budget, you can pay $1000 and have unlimited parking for an hour!

Finally, kids can really enjoy a day at the ballpark. All children under 20 can enjoy an additional 20 cents off the ticket price. Fans can expect a minor 600,000% increase in prices for tickets which is still within the realm of somebody out there. Box seats will only be $1 million a piece for half an hour but bleacher seats will still sell for $400,000 a piece for the first fifteen minutes. Many Rangers fans representatives remind fans that a trip to Ranger stadium is no more the cost of selling everything you have and living on the street.

“This is your chance to see the best players in the game all in one arena. We’ve just been buying every player we can get. We even sold our minor league team and dumped the players just to get the free agents. Our team will be 100% free agents and 100% dominate. Look how well the Yankees and Tigers did this year with that thinking! Scott Boras has shown us the way!”

The Ranger’s management failed to comment since most were either fired or the position closed. The Rangers are excited about the new ‘lean and mean’ machine. In addition to the Rangers CEO and general manager, the Rangers have one secretary who will also serve as full time janitor, coffee maker, computer IT person, ticket person, phone person, public relations person and marketing person. The new office is located in Starbucks across the street from the stadium.

“Nervous breakdowns should be minimal since we have nobody left anyway”

Night games will still happen. “We made a deal with the death row inmates and lifers of Texas prisons. They just pedal away to keep the lights going. That will really save electricity and if they slack off, we just cattle prod them. You gotta love Texas.”

Ranger’s management says fans may see more of a flashing, uneven lighting effect but on the positive note, that adds to the mood of the game.

The Rangers are also excited about additional events. “We will see concerts, rodeos, football games, soccer games, car racing, horse racing, Olympic games, car shows, boat shows, army missile exercises, circuses and whatever else we can do to have the stadium working 365/24/7 and if a show and a baseball game are at the same time – no problem. We’ll do them simultaneously. With those special moves we should be able to sleep at night once in a while. “

While some argue that the “Texas Rangers have literally lost their minds” other fans such as Scott Boras argued that “since I won’t be attending games, it really won’t affect my life other than the small fortune I just made.”

Players also had mixed reactions. Manny Ramirez had this to say: “They say I have to show up for all the games. Ya, if I don’t feel like playing left field, I have it in my contract I can sun bathe in a lazy boy with a big screen TV and Internet access and that sorta helps but I worry about a fly ball damaging the plasma TV with surround sound. I keep telling them to give me an air conditioned room with a swimming pool with an helicopter landing pad but as usual they’re promising a lot but that’s it. I love the Ranger fans but the management just doesn’t care about treating me with respect. I just hope they keep their promise on the Aston Martin I can drag race during the games on my special elevated track just above the seats, but you know those people just don’t seem to care about anything. How am I supposed to unwind? How can I hit without my swimming pool in left field? What about the Manny Ramirez left field amusement park so I can have a family outing during the game and then take a dip in the pool afterwards before I race around the track. I need to talk to Scott Boras. I hate the Rangers. “

CC Sebatia also complained. “You called Emerald a personal chef? What about Rachel Ray. I have my needs too. This isn’t Manny’s stadium! How can I pitch when I have to walk to the dugout just to get a meal! Why can’t the grill and kitchen be on the mound! Rangers just don’t care about my needs and what about the noise from Manny’s race car driving! Did they put dampeners and sound suppression fields in the stadium? Management just uses you and never respects you and Manny is getting ten trillion dollars than me! It’s insulting. “

The once humble Jason Varitek had this to say: “I busted my tail off with the Red Sox and all I’m asking for is a personal assistant, masseur, and some live entertainment and it’s like…Sebastia gets his kitchen on the mound and Manny gets his race track but they still are having a problem with putting on Broadway shows and concerts for me to watch during the game? Is this the way to treat an elite catcher? I mean Sebastia can have a personal catcher if he wants the ball thrown back at him. I can’t watch Chorus Line and catch the game and I need this considering my meager $2 trillion dollar contract. I just hope things change. “
Then there was Mark Texeira. “They worry about my monster truck rallies and I tell them they won’t interfere with the game – but as usual, Jason gets his live shows, Sebastia gets his chef, Manny gets anything he wants but they give me five new F-150’s when I asked for five hundred. It’s insulting. How can they live with themselves with this type of attitude! It’s so frustrating!

Things came to a head when all the free agents walked off the field and decided not to come back until they all got movie contracts to star in their own personal action movies. Texas management has not commented since they filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.