“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for Jul__IO...LUGO...SHOW!”
“Hey everyone. Welcome to our show. Now today we have with us a special guest who is suffering from debilitating cancer but first...I may suck at short but Boston keeps using me. Go Sox!
“Now about our guest. She's had it for like five years and has suffered badly. Today she agreed to talk to us. Her name is Ellie but first...I gotta like read this ad to pay for the show.”
“When you're dead, it's nice to know we'll be there for your family since you're already dead. We'll offer you a complete...”
“Hey, “snapped Lugo. “What moron is doing a f(bleep)ing FUNERAL ad when we're about to interview a dying cancer patient!”
Short pause.
“Well...OK...guess I wasn't thinkin there!”
A short pause.
“OK...now we have Ellie on the line...Ellie...you're on the Lugo show.”
A short pause. You can hear loud snoring in the background.
“ELLIE wake the heck up!” screamed Lugo.
A startled voice was heard.
“Wha...who?”
“It's Lugo.
“It's f(bleep) 4:00 am in the f(bleep) morning and you f(bleep), piece of s(bleep) had to wake me up for you s(bleep) f(bleep), show!!!”
“Ah...ya. You agreed to it!”
A sigh and the smashing of glass.
“Who in hell are YOU!”
“Ah, the clearnradio show?”
“What radio show?”
A pause.
“The one you agreed to be on!”
“Who the (bleep) are YOU!”
“My name is Julio Lugo and stop screaming into the phone Ellie. I thought you were a nice girl!”
A long pause.
“You're Julio Lugo? You're the one who caused my massive coronary because every time I watch you play I want them to bring back public executions! ”
A long pause.
“Ah...you're not Ellie are you?”
“You idiot...you're killing my heart...again...can't...”
A long pause.
“OK...well that wasn't Ellie...but I hear they're shocking him now. I see I mixed up the room numbers. I called room 480 and Ellie was room 102. That was an easy mistake to make!”
A long pause.
“OK...time of death 4:12. ”
A long pause.
“OK...well that was not good...oh well...let's try again and get Ellie...Ellie you're on the air. Hey Ellie!”
“Good morning Mr. Lugo”
“Right...so how are you Ellie!”
“It's 4:00 am in the morning you stupid son of a b(bleep)”
A short pause.
“Ah...Ellie...where'd you learn to talk like that?”
“I've been in the (bleep)hospital for two months...and my parents lost their insurance in order to keep me alive because the f(bleep) insurance company won't cover my f(bleep) costs so my parents sold their house and car and now live in a trailer because no f(bleep) insurance company cares and my mom and dad work three f(bleep) jobs just to pay the $500,000 in medical f(bleep) bills but otherwise I'm fine. How are you?”
A short pause.
“Oh that's good. Glad to hear it but your medical bills are no longer an issue!”
“Really?”
“Yup, because I'm giving you a check for $10.000 dollars.”
A long pause.
“Oh wow Mr. Lugo...now my family only owes $490 thousand dollars. You're so sweet In face I think you're a f(bleep) motherf(bleep), c(bleep), d(bleep), son of a b(bleep)!”
A short pause
“Well...you know...don't give up and all that!”
“Oh that's so helpful! Don't give up? How about “don't give up the fight or run with the ball or hang in there. I've heard them all you (bleep) (bleep) (bleep). f(bleep), montherf(bleep) s(bleep). “
A short pause.
“Wow Ellie...that's now how you talked last time!”
“That's because I got on your f(bleep) show. People don't want to hear the f(bleep) truth. They want this stupid (bleep) 8 year f(bleep) old who f(bleep) (bleep) (bleep).”
“Ya...can't imagine why!”
A pause.
“Can I go back to bed now. I'm getting an operation in the morning and thanks for the $10.000 check. That will help pay for the f(bleep) room for one f(bleep) day!”
A pause.
“OK...well...that's about all for the...hold on!”
“Hello?”
“Yes is this the man that caused my husband a coronary and now I'm left alone in the world...because the first thing I'm going to do today is to KILL LUGO!”
“Ah...no...gotta go!”
Pause.
“Hey all right...that was a great show...yesterday some guys who broke out of jail made me not be able to sit for a week and now this. Man my show is gonna get canceled at this rate.
“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”
“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”
“Good night...”
“Aw that closing theme sucks”
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