Political Correctness

Bug Selig Shows His Strengths???

"This was brutal to write and I hope it works for ya. Imagine renaming the teams to satisfy a lawsuit. These are the results. "

Readers, this is an unusual meeting. It does not fall among the category of normal.

A short, stout woman with tall rimmed glasses, a small hat, a conservative blue dress with flowers and high heel shoes carrying a large brown envelope walked into the room of Bud Selig and sat down. She looked about seventy.

A long pause commenced.

“Good morning Mr. Selig.”

Bud just sighed with a forced smile.

“As you know the successful campaign for the Society for Holistic Informed Tolerance...”

“What does that spell by any chance???”

She paused and said ever so slowly, “we prefer to use the full name of our organization. As you know...it's all about the children and the love of children. ”

“oh this is gonna be good, “snapped Bud as he leaned back in his seat feeling waves of nausea run over him. She paused some more tapping her fingers on the table.

“As you know we are changing the names of some things in baseball to more properly correct the dysfunctional naming conventions that have littered your organization. The children see you as role models...don't you see...the children...the children!!!”

She nodded pulling out her folder and read it.

“Now let's start here. Boston Red Sox. We are egregiously upset over the misspelling of the name sock. The children need a proper education. We propose they are the Socks of Love...spelled of course S.O.C.K.S.”

Bud was so bewildered he simply said, “what?”

She coughed.

“In addition the Red...in Red Socks was the result of communist hatred of bygone days. Children do not HATE. We propose that it be named just Socks of Love.”

Bud nodded and said, “excuse me? They were 'Red' because the Socks were red. That's clear right?”

Bud rolled his eyes when she said nothing.

“Socks Of Love. “ coughed up Bud.

Bud paused. She coughed.

“Boston Socks Of Love, “grumbled Bud.

She leaned towards her large pile of paperwork. She pulled out a portable CD player. She pressed play. A man with livid anger on his face came on the screen.

“I am a Christian, I feel offended by the idea of using Devil. We all know that the Devil Rays use their cowbells to summon Satan to help them win games by calling on the occult. That's why they play in a dome – block out the light of God so that Satan can have his lesbian fiestas. It's time it stops before witchcraft is performed creating lesbian devils that will take over the world doing Satan's duties. Think of the children...the children...the children!”

If Bud fell off a building crashing into the ground and survived that would be the expression on his face.

“You have this nut case on your payroll and you say you're thinking of the children! ”
The woman stood stoic revealing none of her feelings.

“Fear not. We propose that they are called the Florida Electric Chairs as a reminder of Florida's wonderful history of electrocutions.”

Bud screamed and said, “The Florida Electric Chairs! What's kind of a children friendly name is that? Are you nuts! ”

She said nothing and wrote something down on her paper.

“However...sir...if you find that a problem as many liberals like yourself are against the death penalty. . . we will tolerate the Florida lifers!”

Bud paused feeling his fingers to ensure blood still circulated through them.

“How about...the Florida Palm trees? Unless of course you think short circuit for a brain thinks that Palm trees incite Satan worship?”

She gave a stern look on her face.

“Florida Oranges are acceptable.”

Bud nodded and said, “Oh just great! Why not have their uniforms orange like the county jail!”

Bud didn't get a reaction.

“Oranges have a high sugar content and promote cavities in children...”

“What has this got to do with ANYTHING!”

She gritted her teeth.

“Mr. Selig. I do not appreciate your attitude towards the CHILDREN!”

“Tell you what, get some brain surgery...it's the BEST thing you can do for the CHILDREN!”

She said nothing but pulled out the lawsuit. Bud smashed his head against the table.

“Fine...go on!”

She smiled.

“Sir...we feel that the 'Multicultural Socks' are far more expressive of children's values. “

Bud paused. He leaned forward and said, “Multicultural Socks! What in hell is that all about? Do they have to wear rainbow socks and Keep Hope Alive!!!!”

She said nothing.

“Chicago Multicultural Socks, “murmured Bud.

The lady pulled open the DVD player again.

“Get that #$#$ player off my desk. I will not hear that refugee from One Flew Over The Fruit Loops!”

She paused and put the player away.
“We propose calling it the LA Riots!”

Bud paused to contemplate the idea and check his watch hoping it was time to go home.

“Or the Los Angeles Rioters. That's OK too.”

Bud grinded his teeth and shouted, “Oh great idea...why didn't I think of that. I'm sure the LA Angels...sorry LA Riots won't be offending anyone in L.A and it's so good for the CHILDREN! ”

She nodded.

“Fine...Los Angeles R's will be acceptable if that offends you. We certainly want to put children first!“

Bud slammed his hand on the desk and said, “yes of course...now what planet are you from?'

Another pause.

“The St. Louis Cardinals are not part of the Catholic church...”

“Oh for heaven's sake. It's a bird. The Cardinal is a BIRD!” pleaded Bud holding his hands out in a prayer position.
“Change the name!”

Bud felt the headache coming on.

“The St. Louis Stuhlmann’s Double-collared Sunbird. This really does offer the children excellent education...”

Bud nodded and said, “oh I'm sure those four year olds will roll that off their tongues...with six months of practice!”

“Sir...there is one more thing...”

Bud didn't want to look up but nodded.

“The New York Yankees are incredibly offensive. It's like they never left the civil war with their jail house uniforms...”

“Pinstripes...like the #$#$ suit...” snapped Bud not caring if she heard his anger.

“The New York Statues of Liberty!”

Bud felt his head hurt.

“There's only ONE!”

The phone rang. She picked it up and gave a chorus of 'uh hu' and hung up.

“I've been texting them. They don't like the Los Angeles R's. It implies that they only read. We propose the Los Angeles R W A's for reading, writing and arithmetic...for the children. “

The phone rang again.

“Sorry, apparently that's the “Romance Writers Of America” promoting sex among our children!”

Bud nodded hitting his head sharply against the table.

'How about the Los Angeles Calculators!”

She nodded and said, “We prefer the children use slide rules...to think!”

“Los Angeles Slide Rules?”

“it's a sexual reference!”

“Los Angeles Feet! The only thing offensive is the odor!”

It became quiet in the room and she nodded in approval.

Bud leaned back. He wiped his eyes.

“The Mid Ohio Team for the Support of Native American Tribes and Cultures for the Promotion and Education of America so that such travesties will not occur again in the future.”

Bud paused.

“What the hell?”

“The New Name for the Cleveland Indians...for the children.”

Bud nodded.

“How in hell can they put that on a UNIFORM! Do they have to carry a @#$#$ flag behind them to hold all those letters!”

“TMOTFTSONATACFTPAEOASTSTWNOAITF seems reasonable.”

Bud nodded in disbelief.

“You're kidding...wait...forget I said that!”

Bud mumbled something to himself about being the laughing stock of the league.

“The Dodgers. Do we send a message to the children that we 'dodge' our problems instead of facing them. We propose the Los Angeles Problem Solvers.”
“Fine, “snapped Bud before taking more Vodka to gulp.

“San Diego Padres. They are NOT ministers. They are NOT Christian. We propose changing them to the San Diego Gringoes...”

“You've got to be kidding!”

She smiled.

“No...that is where I draw the line. We are NOT calling them GRINGOES!”

“Sir...the entomology of gringo just means foreign people in Spanish. It's good for the children.”

“So...only foreign people can join the team?”

She nodded and said, “good point. How about calling them the San Diego Nationalists.”

Bud didn't have an answer to that one but said, “it's YOUR choice...not mine!'

She nodded.

“Now...surely you can't find ANYTHING wrong with the Detroit Tigers...right?”

“Sir...Tigers are an endangered species hunted to extinction thanks in part to the promotion of them as a killer by the Detroit Tigers. We propose the Detroit Spaded and Neutered Kitties.”

Bud nodded and said, “That's stupid. Is there new logo a picture of pliers in their hats with a cat screaming in PAIN!”

A long pause.

“Funny...it's for...”

“The children, “grunted Bud.

“Now we have the worst done. The rest are easy. If you just agree to the rest...I can be done...for the children!”

Bud nodded. He got up and moved towards her paperwork throwing it out the window.

“ENOUGH!...now I have put up with a lot of fruitcake ideas but this is the limit. You are a nut and you can sue MLB to death but YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!”

She got up.

“You have anger issues!”

“Maybe I should play my cowbells can call up SATAN while wearing Commie socks using my slide rule as a SEXUAL reference in my pinstriped fruitcake suit...for the CHILDREN!”

The screams were so loud that Bud lost his voice in the process.

“You through?”

Bud nodded as she pulled out another file folder.

“Backups!”
Bud nodded and retreated to his seat.

“Houston Astros are for the promotion of Astrology...”

“It's named for the damn astro turf.”

“Houston Astronauts...for the children!”

She paused.

“The Baltimore Bird Lovers.”
“Fine!”

“The Atlanta Peace Keepers.”

“Great name...I love it, “snapped Bud breaking his pencil.

“Pittsburgh Neighborhood of Make Believe, in honor of Fred Rogers.”

Bud nodded and said, “ya...great idea...I can already see the Trolley car on the uniform!”

“Cincinnati Multicultural Color Palettes.”

“Sure...Love it.”

“Milwaukee Water Preservation League!”

“Yup...that's great...just great.”

“Florida Everglades...”

“Great idea....Ya...”

“New York Ballet dancers”

“Oh...cultural. The former Mets will love that! Pink tutu's on the shirt...help me!”

“Philadelphia Liberty Bells”

“Charming.”

“Seattle Coastlines”

“fine.”

“Kansas City Prairie land.”

“Good”

“Washington Mummies!”

Bud just waved his hand.

“Well sir...that's just about it. We can't do the Toronto Blue Jays since they are in Canada...even though the bird itself is a rude and insensitive bird that scares children and frightens parents. Of course if you could persuade them to call them the Toronto Metric System...that would be great for...”

“The children.”

“Exactly.”

“Chicago Cuddly Cutie Teddy Bears...' the children love bears and the Minnesota Milking Cows.”

Bud pulled his gun out and started to clean it.

“The Arizona Native American Cultural Exchange and finally the Oakland Loving Athletes.”

Bud smiled. He walked out of the room. He had enough and desired a drink, sleep and a way to properly resign.