“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”
“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for Jul__IO...LUGO...SHOW!”
“Good evening everyone. Man I hate that f(bleep) s(bleep) motherf(bleep) song. You know my time with the Red Sox is not going well. Time for a change and somebody is gonna help me with that. You see, tonight we have Bud Selig on the line and he's going to talk about a lot of things like Julio's new job! Let's give him a call. I'm sure he won't mind getting up at 4:00 am!”
'Hello?” said a groggy voice on the other end of the line.
“Mr. Selig!”
“Who the hell is this?”
Long pause.
“Ah...Roger Clemens!”
A short pause.
“Hold it...it's 4:00 am in the (bleep) morning! Did you hear me! What idiot is waking...oh Roger...what's the problem...”
A short pause.
“I want a new drug!”
“OK...Roger, I'm sorry. It's just so early. For a second I thought you were that idiot Lugo and that retarded talk show. Look Roger...I'd cut you a break but you know...I have to make myself look good. I mean I'm working on a steroid that will pass the drug screenings and if that doesn't work...we'll, I'll figure things out...OK...now can I go to sleep now?”
A short pause.
“Ya...that Lugo...big idiot...whew!”
A large thump was heard at the other end of the phone.
“LUGO...you f(bleep) f(bleep) f(bleep) f(bleep)er...you got me up at 4:00 am in the morning...”
“Ya apparently to talk about getting rid of steroids...right Bud?”
A long pause.
“Well of course Lugo...baseball hates steroids and you know I was just saying those things...ha, ha...ha....oh boy.”
A short pause and a chuckle.
“Well, you know that type of info can get out so easily...you know. The Red Sox aren't getting pleased with me and when my contract ends...”
Glass cracks in the background. A foot smashes a lamp with large screams and curses.
“Fine...I'll make sure you get a job...”
'Yankees!”
“Washington Nationals...have mercy...”
“Yankees...I like the new pool and the money!”
A short pause.
“Fine...now get to hell out of my life because as you know I hate steroids...especially if you shut up about it!!”
The phone hung up.
“OK everyone...that was Lugo continuing to work in baseball with fat contracts. They think me dumb but I'm not!”
A short pause.
“This episode is brought to you by Mario's Repos. Mario's Repos...when you can't make your payments, Mario's there to help by keeping you honest by breaking a few legs or taking away your car or house...ah...is this what we got for advertisement? You gotta be kidding!!!”
A short pause.
“OK...maybe we'll take a few calls.
“Hello.”
“Hello Mr. Lugo. My name is Charlie. I think you really excite me. I'm going to read a poem I wrote. My heart starts to harden like my...”
“OK, “snapped Lugo. “Guess we just lost that call. “
A short pause with a sigh.
“Anyway, I guess I can talk about what it's like to be a baseball player. I mean...it's great. Ah...who am I kidding. I stink. I have to use Bud Selig just to play in the game! Oh man...a PHONE
CALL!”
“Hello!”
A small pause.
“Ya, hey Tony. I want to order a small cheese pizza with extra cheddar cheese and lots of tomatoes and no banana peppers OK. Also want two root beers and a small salad. Now don't do a Lugo on me or next time I won't be calling you.”
A small pause.
“Hello?”
“Ya...this ain't a pizza place...it's a radio show.”
A small pause.
“Crap...is this that moronic Julio Lugo talk show!”
A small pause.
“Ah...look I'm just kidding. Ha Ha. No banana peppers.”
“Good. Now don't even joke about the Lugo show. That guy is an IDIOT!”
A small pause.
“Ya...well...what's the number?” said Lugo almost in tears.
“555-1232 and make it fast. I got me a hot date and the pizza is just the warm up...if ya know what I mean!”
A small pause.
“Thirty minutes.. Have a nice day!”
“You know...if I didn't have such thick skin I'd be depressed right now.
“Oh another call...hello?”
“Just great Lugo. Now I can't sleep! I got Lugo on my mind!”
Lugo sighed.
“Bud...you know I'm kinda feeling down right now you know!”
A small pause.
“You're feeling down. Imagine what I'm going to say when I have to tell the Tampa Bay Devil Rays that some wacky group feels offended by the idea of using the Devil and that's because The Devil Rays use their cowbells to summon Satan to help them win games by calling on the occult. That's why they play in a dome – block out the light of God so that Satan can have his lesbian fiestas. I have to change the name because it's time it stops before witchcraft is performed creating lesbian devils that will take over the world doing Satan's duties. Think of the children...the children...the children! Do you have any idea what that's like.”
A long pause.
“Ah...I gotta go!”
A short pause.
“OK...well let's take another call...hello!”
“What?”
“Not you again! Turn down your RADIO!”
“What?”
The phone is hung up
“OK...here's another call...”
“HELLO...your records...show...us...that...you...qualify...for...an..immediate...loan. Just...call...us...at...1 800...give...loans...and...you...can...”
“OK, that's just great. Nothing like a telemarketing call with a computer voice that sounds like a stupid robot! Oh that really MADE my day...oh here we go again.”
“Hello...our...records...show...us...you...hung...up...on...us...and...that...means...we...will...call... until...you...say...yes...good...luck...saying...no...LUGO”clearn
“OK, that's it for the Lugo show. Tomorrow we'll have more fun and games...ug!”
“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”
“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”
“Good night...”
“Aw that closing theme sucks”
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