Lugo is Back

“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “

“Lugo is an idiot, Lugo is a Moron, Lugo is a failure and he's your number one showwwww!”

“That's the new theme song! You gotta be kidding! It makes me talk like an idiot and Lugo ain't no dummy!”

A brief sigh.

“OK, welcome back to my talk show. Today we have Sara Palin on the show. She just resigned from Alaska and the salmon fishing thing...ah who is she anyway?”

A pause.

“Oh...OK...hey Sara!”

“Hello Mr. Lugo...calling all the way from the great state of Alaska and showing all of America that we're one nation with two parties...down with liberals! “

“OK well...ya...well...OK.”

“Are you a liberal Mr. Lugo?”
“Ah...I'm a BASEball player...gee Sara...you're supposed to be smart!”
A pause.

“OK you are a liberal!”

“I don't even know what a liberal is? What is a liberal!”

A pause.

“Mr. Lugo...I know what basketball is and that means I know baseball. I mean the rules are the same but they call it baseball because you have bases instead of baskets but I don't know...it's so much harder right?”
A pause.

“Ya well...OK...ya but you haven't answered my question!”

A pause.

“Well anyway, you retired from fishing right???”
A pause.

“No I was the governor of Alaska but it was a lame duck session. “

“So you were like a duck hunter...how's that!”

A sigh.

“No Mr. Lugo...lame duck doesn't mean duck hunting...it means...well, I don't know what it means actually but I decided it was time to resign and run for President in 2012. “

“So you...ah...”

“ah...we'll we're...I don't know!” said Sara.

“But I know we keep them Russians out of Russia and that's a good thing, “snapped Sara.

“OK ya well...what's a governor again?”

“It's like when you don't pass the ball, you grab the ball and sort of kick everyone in the nuts if they try to stop you and then you throw the ball...does that make sense?”
A pause.

“Not really.”

“Well it's sort of like a hammer and nails and carpentry. You know you can't build a house with a carpenter who doesn't have nails and hammers and all that stuff you need like staples and glue.”

“Wow...you on drugs?”

“No Mr. Lugo...we in Alaska really don't want anyone to take drugs and if you take drugs you really can't stop them Russians from attacking Alaska and that's when you need to take drugs.”

“My head is hurting.”

“You need some pain killers. We in Alaska make a lot of drugs so they're available before we stop them so watch out drug makers!”

“Wow...nobody better make fun of my brains after this interview!”

“Or mine Mr. Lugo. I'm planning out going to them White House and taking over the country with some good old fashioned American values...whatever they are!”

“You always say one thing and then mean another!”

“That's right Mr. Lugo because in Politics you make a lot of promises to get elected and then break them all when them lobbyists come in and tell you what to do but I don't listen to those lobbyists because I do what I want to do unless they tell me otherwise!”

“Ah...anyway, what are you going to do now?”

“Now...I'm going to be on the Lugo talk show then I'm going on other talk shows and showing everyone that I am going to run for President in 2012 and write books and fish and be with my family and avoid the press at all costs because I will talk to nobody in the press anymore!”

“Right...but what am I?”

“You're Julio Lugo of a radio show but that's different because I want to be on the press but not have the press talk about me because when they talk about me for some reason I sound not so smart!”

“Ya well that's confusing to me too.”

“OK well I have to get back to bed and start my 2012 campaign tomorrow for privacy because I'm not running for President because I won't be part of that liberal media...now watch me on MSNBC tomorrow afternoon!”

“OK...well that's it for the Lugo show because I can't figure out how to talk straight anymore. Politicians drive me crazy and no more...so join me tomorrow when I interview Joe Lieberman!”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Good night...”

“Aw that closing theme sucks”