“Good afternoon everyone and welcome to the final game between the Boston Red Sox and Philadelphia Phillies. Dave Roberts is home sick with the flu, but at the last minute we found Bud Samserberg, a ballplayer from AA in the 1970's and now a consultant for the Washington Nationals. Bud is here in Philadelphia on vacation. We're grateful to have the general manager of the Nationals...welcome Bud!”
“Good to be here Don...glad to be here!”
Bud was well dressed but the color of yellow seemed a bit odd on him.
A pause.
“Bud...the Nationals have had a tough time this year for sure...”
“For sure, “ said Bud...”but it will get better since I like got out of the hospital!”
“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! I hope you're OK!”
“It's OK. I'm better now that the psychotropic medication and electro shock treatments or ECT have taken in. It really helped my multiple personalities and bipolar disease along with my obsessive compulsive disorder and ADHD.”
“Well...that's...wow...that's a lot.”
Don felt sweat fall down his face.
“I'm fine Don...Relax. Besides my sister Mabel told me yesterday how proud she was of my accomplishments. She told me how much she really supports my endeavors. I love her too. She's here right now with me! Say hey Mabel...”
Don looked over glass eyed.
“Well...we're certainly glad you're somewhat here.”
“Thank you Don. Mabel's kind of shy you know. I'll see here again next month when she gets out of the sanitarium. She was supposed to be in for a year but the insurance company decided she was cured when she was down to two personalities from fifteen!”
A long pause.
“Well I would agree that two is better than...did you say fifteen???”
“Relax Don, my brother Bobby didn't have it.”
“Well that's good.”
'Course we'll never truly know since the state of Florida electrocuted him last month. Those things happen you know. Man to think Bobby lost it and started screaming that the Alien strawberry pop tarts with cream filling were taking over the country before he killed them sports announcers at the race track. He was nuts all right, right Mabel!”
A short pause. Don's breathing grew rapid.
“You know, I would have gone to see him but they wouldn't let me out until I was convinced that my sister Mabel was really just one of my personalities like my brother Bobby since I don't have no siblings.”
A long pause as Don chokes on his coffee.
“You OK Don?”
“Sure...here comes Lugo to the plate...”
“He had an impressive night last night going four for five but still he fielding is a major concern as well as his contract. Boston needs to look at his options.”
A pause.
“Very good Bud. That was impressive.”
“Well Lugo really has been a strange acquisition indeed and by the way my name is Bobby...minor mistake...just glad they let me broadcast from death row in prison. Oh god...I don't wanna die!”
A long pause.
“Well Lugo grounds out....”
“Course lots of people think I ain't all there but I am. I know it because Ted Williams last week told me I was all right. Ted's a good guy. He really likes hanging out with Benjamin Franklin and Cleopatra...they all bunch of great friends...hanging out on the Nile River..!”
A short pause.
“Course...my favorite person I met was Bruce Wayne. He's a great guy in his batsuit...swinging from building to buildings...”.
“Ah...can we get security?”
“Ah...sorry Don, SHUT UP TED!”
A long pause.
“He keeps telling me to eat that f(bleep) bread of his! ”
“OK, “said Don. “I see the lovely security people are here with their great straight jacket. They'll take you to a nice place...”
“No...no no...you don't. You will not tell Napolean Bugs Bunny for I have to rule Europe...”
“OK...Napolean...this certainly explains the problems with the Washington Nationals at the moment...”
“No...I Joseph Stalin demand...”
“NO...NOO....”
A short pause.
“OK...well, we'll have another guest...tomorrow. I guess I'm doing the rest of the game...Jerry Remy...please come back!”
TUESDAY
“Welcome to Fenway Park...exhausting day today for sure...welcoming baseball fan and cook Samantha Start. Welcome...”
“Glad to be here...sorry about Bobby or whomever he was. That was so sad.”
Don paused.
“Well, he's resting comfortably knowing that Nats...lost again...I guess.”
A long pause.
“Well, glad to be here Don.”
Don smiled.
“I understand you just wrote a new cookbook!”
A pause with a nod.
“I did. I was just thinking of the meat balls I was making last night. I love big balls Don. They really excite me steaming over a plate of long stringy spaghetti. Big balls are the best. You make the balls too small and there is no taste.”
She turned towards Don.
“Do you want to eat some of my big balls Don?”
Don nodded looking very uncomfortable.
“Ah...sorry I was just thinking how I hate food now!”
Samantha pointed to the monitor.
“I love Dustin. It makes me think of a long...hard...popcicle...you remember those.”
“Sure..”
“I love placing my mouth on one and just letting it fall in with a small sucking action that penetrates the throat...and that oozing fluid seeping down my throat tasting like a juicy meatball!.”
“Ya well...I see you don't get out much!”
“Of course Don...I just wanted to mention my new cooking book. “Cooking with Samantha...with my favorite recipes...including some good hearty bread recipes. I always say a good firm bread is always great on the day. I love to make a loaf and just tenderly lick and kiss it. Running my tongue down the wheat while smothering myself in butter and tasting its sweet aroma and pushing it inside...'
“Samantha...get a hold of yourself OK!”
A pause.
“Sorry...I'm OK.”
“OK!”
Samantha turned around.
“I see Dunkin Donuts sponsors these games...donuts. I do like the cream ones. I just stick my tongue out and penetrate the glaze sliding it around and swirling it with those sweet juices...and I love to do it naked...oh...that chocolate glaze just teases my wet, dripping, va...”
“OK...I see security is here...see ya Samantha...”
“But I haven't told you about my....”
“Oh yes you have...Samantha.”
Don paused.
“Wow...that person was a total nut case. Jerry...please come BACK!”
THURSDAY
Well, tonight we have John Ruthers...here...from Boston and I am excited. A Harvard graduate in theater.
“Well I am delighted to engage in an evening together!”
“Right...you have multiple personalities?”
“No!”
“Have sex with food!”
“Certainly not!'
A sigh of relief overcame Don.
“OK Dustin Pedroia up...”
Don looked over at John. He looked engaged.
“Wow Dustin slams a base hit to right field.”
“By hells heart I stabbeth thee. Seek forth Dustin and cry the battle cry and shed the blood of thine enemy. Bear witness to death, to death I say...to death!”
John went for statements to full fledged stage acting, standing up and shouting to the masses.
“Cry havoc...and release the dogs of war!”
“Ah...John...sit down.”
John turned and smiled feeling a bit shamed.
“Sorry old chum...just got caught up in the moment!”
Don nodded reluctantly and sat down.
“OK...Youk hits a double to left field...Dustin on third. “
“There strikes the water of the Nile with the blade of victory. You who seek the Youk of life or cast off aspirations and fight on like the knights of the desert cutting through the sands and casting eyes upon the sweet smell of blood and tasting its sensations...oh woe to those who fail to heed the cry of death...”
“John...”
“Yes...”
“You know John...I've had a really long week so you'll forgive me when I ask...what the f(bleep) are you doing? I can't take it. The nut case parade!”
“I am adding drama my friend to your ...”
“It's a baseball game for heavens sake not audition time for the fruitcake club!”
John paused.
“So I take it these security people will cast away my sweet sorrow for tomorrow brings not but the light of despair...”
Don paused and nodded.
“Then I leave bearing witness to a world that ceases to bear the fruits of happiness starring down at my soul with embers of...”
'Oh shut up and get out of here!'
The camera waved at Don's face.
“Good day everyone. John had a...case of...exhaustion so he won't be around...so it's just you and me...AGAIN! Jerry Remy where are YOU!”
FRIDAY
“Good evening everyone. We've had multiple personalities and sexual starved cooks and Shakespearean people but I'm really happy with seventy five year old Beth here who has been a Sox fan her entire life.”
“Hi Don...let's play ball!”
Don gave the thumbs up.
“I sure hope Jerry comes back soon.”
“Me too Don....oh...sorry!”
The wave of stench that filled the room sent Don reeling against the window.
“I just love beans you know! I eat them about ten times a day!
“Ya...got that!”
It took a few minutes before Don recovered.
“Ah...what are you doing.”
“Sowwy...my teeth need cweaning....oh...here whey come”
Don felt the stench of rot falling all over him as the teeth almost crumbled as put in the glass. She used a toothbrush and scrubbed them spraying the food that was on them all over the place.
“Ah...that's better!”
Don nodded as she removed her wig scrapping off the lice that were covering her head watching them fly over the counter. She placed the wig on the counter. It smelled like a toxic waste dump in summer time.
“Ah...that is great...I love it...ah...”
She was like a chorus of sick smells and sights. Don reeled against the corner as the gaseous sulfur smell covered his face. She knelt down and took off her shoes rubbing them and peeling the skin off her athletes feet. Her shoes sprayed a grotesque odor as if she had worn them for three years straight. It didn't help she took each one and waved them in the air like a hand fan.
“That is so good...Don.. I really need to shower more than once a week you know!”
Don was turning green and feeling waves of nausea.
“Oh crap!”
The bloody nose that sprung from her face was wiped up by the counter. She grabbed an old dirty towel from her pocket book to wipe up the excess.
“Don't mind me Don!”
Another wave of nausea flug over Don .
“For the love of God...you're insane!,” cried Don.
She then took off her dress to dry out her shirt which was covered in sweat before removing her bra. She hung the shirt out to dry on the window.
“SECURITY!!!!”
“Don what's the problem...I got a puss problem from my operation.”
Don collapsed on the floor. It was only seconds later before security came and took her away.
Don fell on the floor with tears in his eyes.
“JERRY REMY COME BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
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That - was TOO funny! But you know- ESPN or Fox might be able to use a couple of these guys!
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