Julio Lugo Show – Part II

“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for Jul__IO...LUGO...SHOW!”

“Good evening everyone. Hey...I got a guest. My guest is Timothy Bosmotton who is a scholarly in literature or somethin...and he's starting a new project to encourage kids to read the classics this summer. What's a classic? Anyway, welcome Timothy!”

“Look, I'm not trying to sound pretentious here but it's Doctor Timothy Bosmotton...”

“You're not a doctor.”

A sigh.

“I have my degree in English Literature and...'

“Ya but you no operate on people?”

A thump of a hand.

“Mr. Lugo...you receive a doctorate to honor the highest level of schooling in a professional subject. It goes beyond medical school. "

A long pause.

“Well OK...non doctor Dr. Bosmotton...what is this project all about?”

A pause.

“My...project is to encourage readings of the classics. You might even learn something! There is a world beyond (bleep) and Jane. “

A short pause.

“Why'd they bleep that?”

“Hey you know...dirty words...”

“It's D(bleep) and Jane...but how can anybody know if you keep BLEEPING it!”

“Hey, it's not policy. You can't say d(bleep), f(bleep), s(bleep), b(bleep), motherf(bleep), C(bleep), G(bleep) d(bleep) and so on.”

A short pause.

"Oh well done Mr. Lugo. I clear demonstration of your educational abilities. Do you even know what the word extemporate means?"

"Ah..."

"Fine...did you at least Harry P(bleep)er.”

“Oh for the love of G(bleep). What's wrong with Harry P(bleep)er.”

“Drugs...”

“Fine...we're talking about books by Lewis Carroll, Les Miserables, A Tale Of Two Cities, Oliver Twist and others that offer the reader an experience that will change them as people. Wow...I said all that without a f(bleep) bleep!”

“Right....OK...what's one of your favorites!”

“Well for me...it's Herman Melville. Now I know a lot of people are intimidated (or a bit scared for you Lugo) by a book like Moby (bleep) but...”

“Hey...I don't read porn!”

A long sigh.

“Mr. Lugo...Moby D(bleep)...

“Will you stop that. It's the title of a book. It's Moby D(bleep)...Moby D(bleep)...Moby D(bleep)...Moby Richard...Are you happy now...because I can't I say the word D(bleep)!”

“It's got D(bleep) in it...”

“Mr. Lugo...that word has been used for centuries and it was the last name of Vice President D(bleep) Cheney!!! before it developed a reference to the male p(bleep)...”

“This is retarded! I can't say that either! It's a Latin anatomical term...I can say p(bleep).”

“Oh for C(bleep)'s sake...what the f(bleep) is wrong with p(bleep). What do you do if you're a doctor? Do you say the hot dog or the husked corn on the cob? Oh great...I can say those derogatory and childish terms..but I can't say p(bleep)!”

“I think you should watch your language sir...”

A sigh.

“Watch my language. These are in the dictionary! OK...fine...anyway, Moby D(bleep)...”

A sigh.

“Moby...BLANK...is about Ismael who is going to explore a great adventure out at sea in New Bedford. He encounters Captain A(bleep)...”

“What da f(bleep)?”
“What's wrong with A(bleep) in Moby D(bleep).”

“I no know sir...but sounds like porn to me!”

A pause.

“It's NOT Porn...you brain damaged imbecile, it's the great American novel about whaling and an exploration about life with the character Queequeg. Is there any problem with the character q(bleep)! ”

“Ah, “screamed Timothy. “I can't take it. I'm surrounded by the lobotomized radio heads.”

“Look...try a different novel.”

A pause.

“Fine...let's talk about Alice in (bleep)land...”

“What the F(bleep)....I can't say w(bleep)land!!!”

A pause.

“OK...Tale Of Two Cities by Charles (bleep)ins..”

“What is this? It's Charles (bleep)ins...he's a famous writer! He also wrote Oliver Twist. You people should burn in literary h(bleep) for your f(bleep) incompetence!”

A pause.

“Sorry sir but Alice in W(bleep)land has what is called illegal substances so we can't talk about that one!”

A hard slam on the desk.

“It's a political commentary about Victorian life and it's social and political problems. It's not about DRUGS!”

“Ah...OK...I never read it myself.”

“No kidding Lugo! Did you read anything in your entire life Lugo? Did you! Did you read Moby (bleep) or anything by Charles D(bleep)ins...no! You're too retarded to do it...not that the audience can tell since your censoring out every other G(bleep) D(bleep) word!”

A pause.

“Look I'm not your enemy here OK...”

A long pause. Timothy seemed to be satisfied with that response.

“Sorry...it's been an uphill battle to get people to read anymore. Lack of education is a disastrous situation that will only create more calamity as America's educational status attenuates and declines due to the manifestations of alternate media contorting and distorting the truth!”

A pause.

“Ya..I think...”

“My G(bleep). You have no idea what I just said do you?”

“Ah...just the part after the word...ah...no...”

A glass cracks in the background.

“See what I mean. How can Americans make important economic and social decisions without a proper education and understanding of the complex issues that embody today's schema of American politics.”

“Ya...that too!”

“Can we take a call. Maybe somebody out there with a cerebellum...not that you have the cognitive ability to understand that sentence – can help us!”
“Sure, “snapped Lugo muttering 'idiot'

“I heard that!”

“Hello...you're on the air...oh hey Jason Varitek...our great catcher!”

“Hey Lugo...hey I just wanted to say I'm almost done with Les Miserables and I'm loving it. It's a page turned. It really carries with it the sense of what the definitions of good vs..evil really are...”

“...And don't forget the background of France, “interjected Timothy. “I mean the time capsule that we see through Cosette and Jean Valjean...”

“Hey...you guys act like your having sex...”

“Ignore him, “snapped Timothy...”

“Ah...we usually do...anyway I cried when Fantine had to sell her own teeth...her teeth just to support her daughter. That stuff...you don't forget...”

“You read ?” interjected Lugo

“And that entire thesis on Napolean's last stand, “said Timothy, “oh the romantic grandeur just tore my soul apart in its epic stance...”

“I tell you...don't forget Marius...what a character that really tells us how important it is to know what's going on around you... “ said Jason.

“You Jason...are a rich tapestry of knowledge that impresses me...”

“Ah...so like...people read this crap?”

“So what do you think about Jean overprotecting Cosette because it's all he has in the world?” asked Jason.

“Oh...that's hard. You can't help but be crushed by Cosette's smothering but you know, you gotta realize how painful it must be to have nothing but your daughter to love in the world...you know.”

“Ah...can I talk?”

“Anyway...I gotta go but I just had to say Les Miserables is a book that changed my life and when I am done with it, I feel confident that I will never be the same but the best thing, “said Jason choking with tears, ”is that it helped heal the wounds after my divorce. No amount of therapy or communication with others could offer that comfort. Thank you. I must also say that...“

A pause.

“OK ya...here's another call,” snapped Lugo pushing the button to hang up the phone on Varitek.

“Hello Timothy. We're the Herman Melville society and we really love reading books like Moby (bleep) and Billy Bud but we also love D(bleep)ins...”

“I really liked Night At the Museum!”

“You just hung up on Jason Varitek...a man clearly having the interest and abilities to extend his life beyond croquet or whatever you ball players do. That was rude!”

“Hey...I'm a caller here...”

“What!” snapped Timothy.

“I'm the host here!”

“Just talk and ignore this dolt” snapped Timothy.

A long pause.

“Well...ah...I love Melville and certainly his greatest work is Moby D(bleep). Many people don't realize that Captain (bleep) is a very minor character in the book. It really is the story of Ismael and Q(bleep) and their adventures and I know I've oversimplified it.”

“Did you guys see The Incredibles???”

Both Timothy and the caller said “shut up Lugo!”

“I know how you feel. It's also a time capsule like Les Miserables that really captures what that time was like. It's great on so many levels.”

“I'm watching porn and I have a large d(bleep)!”

“I admit I haven't read War and Peace but Russian literature just depresses me.”

“Well you know what they say...” laughed Timothy.

“They say this show is the LUGO show”

“Nobody gets through War And Peace!” said both the caller and Timothy.

“OK...we're just about out of time and all and we have to get going...let's take a break...”

A short pause with grunting in the background.

“Do you need a dog that needs a sex change...oh for s(bleep) sake...can't we get better sponsors that this!” screamed Lugo.

Lugo sighed.

“OK...Do you have a dog that needs a sex change. Call 1 555-3423 and ensure that loving transformation from urine marker to something else...it's worth it for the love you will feel for your pet with over a 20% success rate. ”

A long pause.

“Timothy...you still with us?”

“yes...”

“OK...well thank you for coming and for your great work...and join us for more guests and more dumb adds on the Julio Lugo show!”

“Now get out there and read people otherwise you'll end up like Lugnuts Lugo and guest star on his pointless talk show!”

“You're on it!”

A long pause.

“Defeated by stupid. It's more than I can take!”

“OK folks...that's it. Join us tomorrow for more fun and stuff. Now I'm going home to read a comic book...those I understand. I love Dennis The Menace. Good night everybody!

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Good night...”

“Aw that closing theme s(bleep)”