Julio Lugo Show -- Sick Day

Julio Lugo -- The F16 Incident

“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for Jul__IO...LUGO...SHOW!”

“Hello, I'm Tim Wakefield and I know you were expecting Julio Lugo but as the team player...well...anyway, I'm filling in for Julio Lugo who's sick in bed today. Yesterday Lugo thought it was a good idea to fly in an F-16 fighter. Ya, Lugo has lots of 'good' ideas.

Well we're all supportive of each other in the clubhouse but somehow maybe Lugo isn't the guy you want in an F-16. I haven't heard this report but I'm sure he suffered. Many thanks to the cleanup crews and scrub brushes of the Air Force base.“

(Vomit Guy)

“Hey everyone. I'm Julio Lugo and I'm ready to rock. I'm kinda representing the Boston Red Sox here at Edwards Air Force Base in Washington and I'm ready to fly. Told them all how popular I am in Boston. Ya...popular...that's who I am.

Anyway, since I got lots of downtime you know lately...on the bench...THANK YOU TITO! Anyway, I'm here with Captain Smith as we're ready to fly at F-16 fighter plane. I got my jumpsuit and my headgear. It's wired to the Captain so he can hear EVERY sound and every move I make. Sort of like we're lovers or something...ha!

Anyway...here we go and remember to call the show and let me know how cool I was up in the air...hmmm...I'm hungry for some beans...wonder what they got in the snack lounge!”

“Hello, I'm Captain Smith who's going to be Lugo's pilot today. I had never heard of him before – I don't follow baseball – but he seemed nice enough. We met in cafeteria to go over the flight. In the small amount of time that Lugo was there, he managed to consume three ice cream bars, two chilli dogs, two hot dogs, three sodas, and a Slurpi along with a big bucket of french fries. I never knew a man of his size could eat so much. I had also never seen a perforated belly in a healthy person before. I swear he was pregnant and that goofy smile on his face didn't help matters...but still I agreed to this and I'm going to stick it out.

I did caution him about the substances he consumed. He dismissed the idea and I figured he knew hit stomach well enough and I'm a worry wart anyway and so we went on with the pre-flight briefing. I told him about the oxygen mask to help prevent nausea and the g-suit to prevent blood loss if we broke the sound barrier. It was at that moment with that goofy grin, I knew damn well we were not going to break the sound barrier.

We walked out to the plane and he strapped into the passenger seat. He was rolling with excitement but it was the roll in his belly that worried me.

We took off and hit the air. Even after ten years of doing this work, I still love the excitement of pulling that machine up into the atmosphere. Lugo was in the back moaning. I think he had an upset stomach. Oh boy! However, Lugo looked OK as we banked to the left so I stopped worrying even when I heard a gag sound or two.

“Hey, “he said. “take it easy on that turn will ya.”

That was normal procedure and for a man filled with excitement, he certainly had a change in attitude. I could hear his breathing through my helmet antenna. Ya, know...I knew that sound.

“So, “I said. “What do you want to do?”

His exact words were, “you know...get me excited! Turn me on!”

I've been flying for ten years and this was the first time I felt a wave of nausea sweep over me but somehow I wasn't the only one for when I bolted the plane high in altitude and leveled off before we did three barrel roll and a corkscrew turn I heard really painful sounds coming from his mouth. Unfortunately, I ignored that and just enjoyed myself. I even did the free fall drop. That was a rush...and a REALLY bad idea.

Lugo was just sort of pressed against the seat with his head knocking against the seat and moving back and forth. His eyes were bulging and a small amount of yellowish material was oozing out of the mask dripping down the sides of his neck and covering his uniform. The radio link to his helmet works great but I don't think the designers had vomit sounds in mind when they made it.

Blasted chili dogs. I could smell then even through my oxygen mask. I reached and pulled his mask off. Bad idea.

I have never seen vomit projectiles before but there I was watching chili dogs, ice cream, french fries and whatever else was in that retarded stomach of his spray all over the protective shield of the plane. He says he's the Captain of the team and league leader in runs scored.

I quickly grabbed a vomit bag and gave it to him. I then started opening up a second one.

Before I even had the second bag opened up he had filled up this one. I grabbed it from him and sealed it. I have never smelled vomit that bad before.

I gave him another one and he filled that one up heaving and hurling material. There went the ice cream and chili dogs.

I gave him another one and another one until he used up my supply of vomit bags. How is that possible? Vomit Boy here had gone through four vomit bags. I didn't know his stomach has that much battlefield fuel in it. The entire cockpit smelled like a thousand murdered chili dogs on a hot summer day.

But it wasn't over. He had more to give.

“Use the gloves, “I shouted, “ He pulled off his gloves and dumped them and filled them up . He moaned and squeezed them and sure enough he was painting his body with more vomit. He looked like a man who just got a lobotomy and had to much meds on top of it.

“OK...Lugo...time to go home.”

He was still heaving but thankfully his tank was empty at this point.

Normally I do the banking landing but I felt at this point a smooth straightaway was all he could take.

For fifteen more minutes I was hearing those heaving sounds like a bad horror movie. He was like Vomit Boy from the Lagoon.

We landed. I was never so happy to open up the plane in my life. I normally signal to the ground chief if we could take off again but even before I gave the thumbs down he was already screaming and yelling after seeing the entire cockpit covered in vomit.

I looked back. Lugo was sort of just resting there like a corpse with his tongue and lips hanging out like a dead dog. He was covered in it as well as the instrument panel and the flight stick and my left boot and pants and the windshield. He even managed to soak his parachute behind is back. I kind of felt sorry for him. I'm sure hope the fans in Boston can forgive me. I'm sure with a radio show and all, he's probably a pretty popular guy. Man Boston fans have no taste...uh...why did I say the word taste!

I got out of the plane.

“What in hell!”

I calmed the crew chief down. Normally the cause of the stench had to clean it up by the guy who did it, but that goofy look on his face told me we had to do it ourselves.

We had to drag Vomit Guy out of the cockpit and just let him sleep it off. He smelled so bad as if he was experimenting on small mammals in a mad scientist lab. Actually the entire cockpit looked like an exploding volcano of junk food as if somebody jet sprayed the cockpit in vomit. I even noticed some Milky Way chocolate bars. He had snuck in some food on the plane. How can a man that small in stature manage to eat like Godzilla?

It took half an hour to clean up. Vomit Guy needed an IV to recover. Again fans of Boston, sorry about that. I'm sure seeing Vomit Guy suffer like that must have killed you inside. I'm sure he's an outstanding player and I feel bad he'll be sick for a while. Take care.

“Hey....this...is....Lugo...ah....”

“OK, “said Tim Wakefield. That was...ah...I haven't laughed so hard in all my life...oh man...that was funny...”

A pause.

“And sad too...ya...we're all...”

A burst of laughter exploded in the radio station.

“Lugo...will be back....“said Tim roaring with laughter on the ground.

“Ah...I gotta go! Oh man wait till Papelbon hears this....he'll die....ah...I can't take it!”

“Good night everybody!

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Good night...”

“Aw that closing theme sucks”