This is IT -- The Julio Lugo Show!

The Julio Lugo Show

“Good evening Boston. Welcome to the premiere of the Julio Lugo show. The only locally produced radio show hosted by a current Red Sox player during the 4:00 am hour on Eastern time on Sunday nights in New England before the 5:00 am hour. “

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for the Lugo...The Lugo...The Lugo”

“Now it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...for Jul__IO...LUGO...SHOW!”

“That's the theme song? That f(bleep) s(bleep) mother f(bleep) piece of s(bleep) is our f(bleep) song?”

A short pause followed.

“Oh well...welcome everyone. I'm Julio Lugo. I'm the shortstop for the Boston Red Sox. Now I have a radio show...oh man these hours are a killer. Glad I'm taking illegal uppers. The number for the show by the way is 1800 big dunce.“

A short pause.
“OK, I'm gonna talk about education today...or the lack of it. I mean...high school drop out raters are really, very bad. It's embarrassing. I mean...when are we gonna sound smartening? “

A short pause.

“Anyway, I was just looking at my paycheck today. I make millions but I wouldn't make millions if I didn't have an education! I mean when I see those two zeros past the number, I know I'm making my millions. I mean if I didn't have an education. You know it's like 8 * 7 is 25. I mean get with it people. Know your math!”

A long pause.

“Anyway, the phones are open. 1 800 big-dunce. Call...please... “

A long pause.

“Here about math scores and history scores at an all time low. Kids don't even know that Australia is part Africa. Gotta know your geography. People think you're a moron if you don't.

“Did you guys ever see Gilligan's Island. Love that show. Gilligan reminds me of me but he just screws up everything for everyone and that ain't me. Anyway, when I went to Japan I saw Gilligan's Island. Beautiful Island. Took a long time to get there. All you see is ocean. Japan as you know...is surrounded by water. All you see is water. I was waiting for the dancers and the pineapples and the belly dancers and the song Tiny Bubbles. I understand they filmed Gilligan's island in Japan but I don't believe it because there are lots of people in Japan and you don't see them when you watch Gilligan's Island. “

A long pause.

“Somebody give me a call. We can talk about bad education or history. I love history I mean! Call me!”

A long pause.

“OK 1 800 big dunce...you're on the line!”

“Hey Julio...big fan of yours! My name is Sam. First time caller. Love your show!'

“Hey thanks. What's your question!”

“Hold on, I gotta turn my radio up. I can't hear you!”

Radio blares in the background.

“Sir, turn your radio down!”

“What?”
“Turn your radio down...I can't hear you...Sam!”

“What?”

“OK...well that was fun...oh we have another caller on the line. How are you!”

“What the (bleep). Why'd you hang up on me!” screamed the caller Sam.

A radio blasts in the background.

“Turn your radio down, “screamed Lugo

“What?”

“Are you an idiot. Your radio is TOO loud!”

“What?”

“OK...I give up. Hanging up!”

“What?”

The phone hangs up.

“OK...that was fun...oh another call.”

Radio blasts in the background.

“Oh man...not you again!”

“What?”

The phone hangs up.

“OK...another call...gee...I wonder who it is. “

Lugo pushes the phone button.

Radio blasts in the background with a gun going off.

“Will you shut that f(bleep) radio f(bleep) off!”

“I can't hear you Lugo...The radio is blasting!”

Lugo hung up the phone.

“Turn your radio down. Gee the freaks you get at 4:00 am in the morning!”

The light flashed on the phone.

“Hello...”

“Don't worry Mr. Lugo. I'm not that caller!”

“Whew, “said Lugo.

“I just ______ to say that _______ com____ to____ Sox____day____hear____car____”

“Oh man...are you driving in a car? “ snapped Lugo

“Sorry, signal probl___ OK____som_____hel____ab____truc____bie3____help...!”

“Hello? I can't hear you on that cellphone!”

A long pause.

“Listen___gotta____track___snakc___when____fart____seek____phone___”

A long pause.

“AS____234____zap_____”

Julio rolls his eyes.

“Gla_____wha_____zzzz______ffff______ZZZZZ”

“OK, have a nice trip home mam. 1 800 big dunce...hello.”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“hello”

“Hello”

“hello”

“Sir...do you have a question?”
A pause.

“Hi Mr. Lugo...first time caller. I'm George the trucker but every one calls me caffeine high!”

“OK.”

“Just wanted to say...starring at pavement for five days minus pee breaks. Feeling exhausted...considering electric shock treatment to stay awake. Hands shaking...hard to see...alien ship overhead about to land on my truck...”

“Sir...do you have a question?”

“...the ship...landed on the truck top...big pounding noise...drilling holes in the cabin roof...Aliens want me...”

“...Sir do you have a question?”

“...a truck driver and I don't sleep much take lots of drugs...not sleep in five days...not effected...aliens have landed...taking over my brain, trying to get me pregnant...with alien baby from planet I195...only 200 more hours to go...stay awake...”

“OK...go home sir, “said Lugo.

A pause.

“Hello...do you have a question?”

“Ya Julio. It's Squirmy. I miss you man. Why aren't you here with me? I mean when you're around, I'm so HOT and I think...I KNOW...you have the biggest and hardest and largest pen...”

“OK...ya...that was fun. Whew..wonder who that guy was because I don't know him. No way....no way. Not ME!”

A pause. Radio blasts through Lugo's ear.

“OK...here's another call. Sir...turn down the (bleep) radio!!”

“What?”

“Sir...stop calling me until you turn down that f(bleep) mother f(bleep) s(bleep) a(bleep) radio!”

“Wha...”

The phone went dead.

“OK...America...turn off your radio, don't drive in a car...and don't be obscene and don't drive trucks on uppers and for heavens sake go do bed...after the show of course.”

A pause.

“OK...one more call!”

“Hey Julio!”

“Hey Tito...good to hear from you. Wow...thanks for calling.”

“Oh...I couldn't sleep anyway after that last game so I'd thought I'd call your show.”

“Well...from one awesome manager to one awesome number one shortstop...hey!”

A long pause.

“Tito?”

“Oh ya...sorry...your statement distracted me for a a second!”

“Well you know how good a shortstop I am right!”

“Ya...you're a ah...can we not talk about baseball you know?”

“Ya I understand. Nick Green gives you a headache. He stinks all right!”

A short pause.

“Anyway...we wish you well on your show and if your show means you can't be a member of the Sox anymore...our team feels that it's a great idea for you to do that...soon!”

A short pause.

“OK thanks Tito and say hey to the team!”

“You know, the entire team really is pleading with me to tell you that a radio show is so much more interesting than playing that boring shortstop stuff. I mean we're so excited that you're doing this!”

“Hey no worries Tito. I play shortstop for a long time!”

A long pause.

“Tito?”

“Tito?”

“Oh well...I guess he had to go. Talk about team support. I love the Red Sox but this show just about over according to my manager but we'll have more shows with guests and other things...but one more call.

“Hello!”

“What?”

“Turn the radio down!!!”

“I___somewhere______lost______he_____s34”

“Sir...stop your car!”

“What?”

“Please...stop calling!”

“Aliens got me pregnant through my right arm...squirmy little things...taking to planet pillow...so soft and comfy...mmmm....pillow....car coming at me fast...going to crash...sleep.. z z z z z zz z z z ”

“OK we'll he'll be OK...I think. I mean...don't sue me or anything. Good night everyone. Thank you for tuning in. We'll have guests and other things and contests and all that stuff!”

“Join us tomorrow for more of the Julio Lugo show!”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Bye Bye ...it's ti...MEE...Now it's ti...MEEE...it is TI...ME...to say Bye Bye Bye...BY--EEE”

“Good night...”

“Aw that closing theme sucks d(bleep)”