“Good evening NESN fans and welcome to more attempts at getting a guest announcer that isn't insane to help us with Red Sox games. As you know Jerry Remy our color commentator is out on sick leave and we NEED him back!”
A loud crunching and eating sound hits the microphone.
“Anyway, we want to welcome long time baseball player and fan Carlton Fisk to the broadcast. Finally someone who is normal!”
'MMMMMMMMMMM...I love watermelon.”
Don looks over and sees four watermelon being chowed down by Carlton Fisk. There are stains that cover Fisk's body. Don could only stare in disbelief.
“Ah...you OK?”
“Oh God...I love watermelon. I could eat it day and night...actually I do. Man...so yummy. I love watermelon...except...oh...bathroom calls!”
A short pause as Don watches Carlton run to the bathroom. Piles of spots of red watermelon juice litter the counter.
“Well...OK...”
“OK...I'm back...where's the spoon?”
“Anyway, here is Tim Wakefield on the mound and he's ready to...”
“MMMMMM....OHHHHH....YAAAA....this is the best watermelon I have ever seen!”
“Anyway...” interjected Don.
“Oh...god...I have to go to the bathroom again!”
A short pause.
“OK...that's strike three and a great start for Tim Wakefield. What a pitcher he's been this year to the team...”
“OK...I'm back...wow...there are three watermelon left. How did I eat an entire watermelon in ten minutes! Wow...a new record!”
Don pauses.
“Carlton...what do you think of Tim Wakefield this year!”
“Oh ya...well I've always loved Tim and wow...bathroom calls!”
Don starts to crush his fist against the table.
“How is this possible! Every single time...every single time.”
“Hey here's how to pick out a good watermelon, “said Carlton returning. “You gotta tap the watermelon and it should feel like bouncing a basketball. If it's squishy you don't buy it and of course get the seedless variety. I look for the larger ones as well. You can't get good watermelon sometimes. People don't understand how important my watermelon-gasm experience is going to be without the good watermelon. Oh...I want more...I should have...oh bathroom!”
Don hits his head.
“Well...the inning is almost over...oh God!”
Carlton brings a cart of watermelon in the room.
“Wow Don...ten more watermelon. I'm feeling good. I could eat watermelon all night long...”
“Carlton...you gotta stop this...”
“Can't...still scooping out the insides...oh...stomach cramps...I'm gonna throw up...got watermelon on my face and hands and shirt...oh man...I love watermelon...Don have some!”
Don curses but before anything happens Carlton shoves watermelon in his mouth. Don munches on some.
“Carlton...you bastard...wow...this is good...sweet, texture...I really love this...hey...I didn't know watermelon could taste that good!”
“Told ya, “said Carlton shoving watermelon down his throat. “Nobody understands watermelon!”
“Man...I love this, 'said Don...”oh man bathroom!”
Don ran off as did Carlton. A short pause with relief. The two run back frantic for more watermelon.
“Oh god what am I doing? I'm addicted to watermelon, “snapped Don.
Don grabbed two watermelon and pulled them to his side.
“f(bleep) you. I'll kill you! It's mine!!!”
A pause.
“It's not!”
The two start throwing watermelon at each other but instead of dodging they scramble to catch and eat it.“
“Oh man the watermelon shorted out the microphone...”
“Who cares...oh there goes the other microphone...!”
(NESN is experiencing technical difficulties...at the moment)
TUESDAY
“Good evening everybody. Welcome to Fenway Park in Boston. Well...I have to say yesterday's watermelon parade was something else but the bill I had to pay wasn't, so we have yet another guest announcer. Oh yes, yet another guest announcer. Yup and this time it's baseball fan Melissa Simpson. A model and a big Red Sox fan...and a safe bet!”
“Hi Don...glad to be here!”
Don paused.
“Well here is Dustin Pedroia leading off for the Sox.”
“Ohh...”
Don paused.
“Anyway, Dustin takes strike one.”
“ohhh...”
Don turned and said, “are you OK?”
“Sunscreen lotion. SPF 50...I just can't resist it...that sticky, greasy feel...I just have to add more...OHHHH.”
Don turned away ducking his head.
“OK...anyway...Dustin takes...”
“Oh...my...this feels so good!”
Don turned and saw she was undressing.
“What in hell!”
“Sunscreen...give me more...more...Don...rub it on me...please...and then, then lick it off of me!”
Don turned and shouted, “SECURITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Oh God...Don put the mayonnaise on top of it. SPF 50 and Helman's are such a turn on for me.!
“SECURITY!”
“Mmm....Don...get me the damn marshmellow fluff...I...I feel myself cuming!”
“And I see you going...SECURITY!”
“Mmmm...peanut butter and marshmellow fluff with mayonnaise and sunscreen...oh god...this is the BEST!!!!”
“And you're the sickest...SECURITY!!!!”
“Now for the final touch...wet and drippy cranberry sauce...oh god with butter and...oh...”
“For heavens sakes where is security...she'll damage the electronics...no...not the olive oil!”
(NESN is experiencing technical difficulties...at the moment)
WEDNESDAY
“Good evening everybody. Welcome to Red Sox baseball and another new guest announcer...but we have banned any sort of FOOD products. Now we have here Betty Burns. Betty is...washing her hair.”
A pause as Don turns towards her.
“I just love washing my hair but don't worry Don...I'm OK..oh...Suave does what theirs does for less than half the price! Oh man...I'm excited...it feels so good! Watermelon red and lemon yellow...oh god...now the cream rinse!'
“Wait!”
“Now to rinse!”
“No...the power outlet!”
(NESN is experiencing technical difficulties...at the moment)
THURSDAY
“Good evening everybody. Maybe tonight we can get it right but I doubt it. Every single guest announcer has been a nut case but I'm not worried tonight because we have Dr. Bingo from Perkins. Dr. Bingo is a baseball expert and a physicist. He's really something else. I'm impressed.
“Well here is...”
Don turns towards the doctor and nothing seems to be happening.
“OK...”
Don turns again looking for some sort of display of insanity but he seems to be just sitting there.
“OK...Doctor? Are you OK?”
“Of course...just wiring myself up. I just love electro shock treatment...oh!”
A loud buzzing sound with screams from the doctor.
“Good god Doctor. What in hell are you doing?”
“Re...lax....just...zapping...ah...that feels good!”
“Another nutcase...what a surprise! Who's the director here...Julio Lugnuts Lugo!”
A pause.
“I'm fine now Don...just needed that shock to wake me up! I love electro shock treatments!”
A pause.
“I may need some after this week, “groaned Don.
“Now what!”
“Nothing really...ah...I'm just going to drown myself in some water...”
“NO...this is NUTS! You'll hit the electric outlet!”
A pause.
“COME BACK JERRY”
(NESN is experiencing technical difficulties...at the moment)
Posts
Loved the Watermelon Dave! Maybe an auctioneer next?
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