Chapter 6 - Mr Obvious Needs To Stop Watching Movies
This is an hysterical piece. This piece came as a series of ideas. The initial one was to play up the idea of Kason (er. Jason) Gabbard – a former pitcher for the Red Sox who is returning to the fold this year. I called him Jason in one blog and was corrected. I thought that was a fun idea. Then I thought of Jason from the Friday the 13th films. I had an idea that maybe everyone thought Kason Gabbard was Jason from Friday the 13th. It went from there.
-- Dave Fernandes
Terry Francona walked in to see David Ortiz in the clubhouse. He was in the clubhouse because Terry was in the clubhouse and so was David Ortiz.
“David...what are you doing?”
David was putting a pile of weapons into his locker. That is what he was doing.
“Tito...good you are here. I won't let that Jason in hockey mask kill me!”
Terry sneared and said, “it was a movie.”
David then sneared and said, “what about time you see Spiderman II. You thought Eric Gagne was Doctor Octopus and that is obvious since he had those goofy goggles on his eyes. “
Tito sighed. He did feel dumb.
“Well, “ said Tito. “ Friday the 13th like Spiderman II were just movies. There is no Jason with a hockey mask nor is there a man with four mechanical arms. That would be entirely ridiculous ”
David put his new bazooka in the locker and said, “you're right Tito, nobody get in locker room with a name like Jason.”
'Hey Pappi!” said Jason Bay the left fielder for the team.
“Hey Jason!, said Tito but it was Papi who was gripping his handgun held next to his chest.
Tito took his queue and went to his office as David Ortiz packed the flame thrower in his locker. Tito greeted an old friend.
“Welcome home Jason, ” said Terry. “I know you are home because you are in my office. That is obvious.”
“Kason…”
“Of course Jason.”
“No it’s Kason!”
“Oh yes. Over hills, over dales…ya da da...da da de da, when the Kasons keep rolling along. The song is 'Kasons keep rolling along'. That was obvious when you said “Kason, Jason.”
“Sir...my Name is Jason Gabbard. Oh crap you've got me doing it!”
“Well anyway Jason...welcome home.”
Jason...er...Kason sighed and pulled something from a paper bag.
“Well...”sighed Kason. “I got this new Bruins hockey mask and it looks so awesome on me and I thought I'd wear this Boston Bruins hockey mask to celebrate the Bruins! What do you think?”
Tito looked at his report and said, “that's funny because David saw a movie....a MOVIE!”
Tito felt the blood fall from his face as Jason...er...Kason put on the mask.
“You're...”
“Hey...I even got a toy chainsaw. Isn't this cool!”
If Tito got hit with a car and survived that would be the reaction on his face.
“Oh my God. HELP!”
Terry burst past Jason...er...Kason of Friday the 13th – or so he thought, desperate to get help. He screamed “Jason...I have Jason and he says he has a chainsaw!”
“I told you,” said Pappi with satisfaction, “but Big Papi has big gun...”
“Over there...in the office!” shouted Tito.
Papi fired the gun as Jason...er...Kason flew past the desk and out of the room amongst a spray of gunfire.
“For the love of God...I'm KASON”
“He's confusing us through song and he's getting away, “screamed Tito.
Papi laid down a suppression fire sending bullets everywhere with his sub machine gun as he extended his range to the entire clubhouse spraying bullets everywhere along the corridor towards the open ball field.
“Big Papi having fun killing Jason!”
“Yes kill that chainsaw barbarian before Doctor Octopus gets here!”
Blasts came from all over the place. The Splatter of concrete and drywall filled the air with dust and debris.
“Bazooka Papi kill Jason”
David Ortiz blasted the missile that exploded the left field scoreboard that sent Kason Gabbard scrambling as a huge fire blew into the air.
“Again” shouted Tito.
David missed but don't worry. Down went the night lights as well as half of the right field bleachers.
“What is #$#$ is going on here!” shouted Theo Epstein.
“We're killing Jason!” shouted Tito.
“Holy #@$, “shouted Theo. “Have you lost your #$#$ mind. That's Jason Gabbard!”
“It's @#$#$ Jason...AW CRAP, I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE, “screamed Kason as he ran into the right field seats.
“STOP IT “screamed Tito but as David pulled out his flamethrower, it knocked Theo out and let him rest peacefully while David Ortiz and Terry Francona destroyed the stadium.
“Burn the stadium!!!!” screamed Tito. “Doc Ock might be around.”
David started burning the seats sending flames high into the air. Kason ran into the field again as Papi aimed the gun wildly burning everything in sight.
“Big Papi have fun burning down stadium with flame thrower.”
All we can say is that fortunately the flames woke up Theo – as if Theo can save the stadium at this point.
“STOP IT...” screamed Theo as he pulled the flame thrower away from David. “You're burning Fenway park to the ground...and that's JASON GABBARD.”
“KASON....KASON...” screamed Kason.
Papi looked at KASON running from the flames and then he looked at Tito. He then looked at Kason again. Then he looked at Tito as he saw the flames burn through the park.
“Oh #$#$” muttered David.
Papi dropped the flame thrower.
“Oh man...I am so sorry.”
“Oh my word, “said the Eric Gagne walking into the stadium. He wanted to visit his old team despite the fact that he had been a disaster for his old team. Eric was a bit strange inside it seemed.
Tito paused then his eyes lit up.
“It's Doc Octopus, “cried Tito.
Big Papi send started shooting his pistol as Gagne ran away in fear.
“Big Papi have fun killing Doctor Octopus.”
“STOP, “shouted Theo.
“Wait, “shouted Tito. “Look in the booth. I see Rem-Dog the mad phonebook killer.
“Papi have grenades just for that!”
The next day in the papers the Red Sox announced 'major improvements for Fenway Park' and an extended stay at the funny farm for Tito and David Ortiz. That was obvious.
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