This is one of my funniest pieces. One poor umpire named Kerwin Danley found himself being wacked with a baseball bat twice in two years. This was the genesis for a satire on what can be done to protect an umpire in the game. I couldn't help but pick on Bud Selig who swore last year he would solve the broken bat problem but then dropped the matter entirely.
(The Major Leagues use maple since ash is going extinct due to the emerald ash bore. Maple has a higher strengh factor but like cast iron it shatters much easier than ash.)
-- Dave Fernandes
Monday April 28,2009
“Welcome everybody to Blue Jays baseball. Kind of a stormy afternoon here with possible lightening predicted but we're here to play baseball until the weather gets worse.
We also want to welcome back Kerwin Danley. After two tragedies being hit with bats the latest with a broken bat hitting him in the head...wow...but Commissioner Bud Selig has solved his problem right Jim. “
“Well, he's been known for his incompetence and inaction but he says today he draws the line.”
“Ya well...he said that if anything happens to Danley, Pete Rose is back in the hall of fame.”
“And he means it. Look at his solution. What we have for our brave umpire is a solid steel armor plated enclosure called the Lightening Rod that he can live in and be protected and watch the game via cameras built inside to transmit the sound and video. There is even a really tall antenna to pick up the data and broadcast it so we can see inside his booth. It's really state of the art. I swear that antenna can reach into the clouds. ”
“Let's hope not Jim!”
“Anyway, let's talk to Kerwin from inside the Lightening Rod. Hey Kerwin.”
“Hey everybody. Well...I think the Commissioner is right. Things are gonna be OK now. I was so worried but I trust the man.”
“Wow...did you see that bolt of lightening.”
“Ya and...uh uh...this ain't good. Paramedics on the field... ”
Monday May 12, 2009
“Welcome everyone to baseball at Fenway Park in Boston. I'm Don Orsillo and this is Jerry Remy. We want to congratulate Pete Rose on his induction into the Hall of Fame. “
“Great story hu!”
“Ya...and we especially want to welcome back Kerwin Danley after his electrocution inside the metal enclosure. ”
“That was awful. Basically that design by Bud Selig made him a lightening rod. Good thinkin' Bud!”
“Not smart.”
“Ya but this new one is a solid plastic cone which he dubbed the PlastiCone. Commissioner Bud Selig said if anything happens to him Kerwin he would retroactively give the Chicago Cubs every World Series Title from every other team. ”
“Well so is the PlastiCone...a solid plexiglass container with solar panels to power the cameras inside. It's so sealed that even a mosquito can't get inside. I mean this thing is air tight. Let's hope he can breathe. “
“Ah, “ said Jerry. “Bud is not an idiot. Anyway, let's talk to Kerwin in the booth. Hey Kerwin!”
“Kerwin.”
“AHHH....AHHH...I can't breathe...help me...”
A pause.
“Here we go again. Paramedics on the field...hope they get there in time.”
Tuesday May 13, 2009
“Welcome everyone to Chicago Cubs baseball. We want to congratulate the Chicago Cubs on all their World Series Flags...all one hundred and nine. This is the only game today since all the other teams are protesting the loss of their titles. It's a hot one. Temperatures are over 101 degrees Fahrenheit. Wow...everyone is sweating here today.”
“We want to welcome back Kerwin Danley. He's already suffered an electrocution, suffocation and a nervous breakdown...but that's fixed...even though he had to be dragged into it kicking and screaming...he seems comfortable now but I tell ya, I hear it's hot in there. Bud didn't add any air conditioning.”
“Ya well...Commissioner Bud Selig said that if anything happened to him he would give all the World Series flags to the New York Yankees...man you know that's not going to happen. He's a smart man.”
“Well he's a serious man. Anyway they've made air holes finally and solar panels of course and he looks good in there with all that gear on. Let's say hello to Kerwin. ”
“Kerwin!”
“Kerwin!”
“Kerwin!”
“Ya...he does....uh oh...that's not good. Here come the paramedics...again.”
Wednesday May 14, 2009
“Want to welcome the the ballpark today in New York City. Quite a sight seeing all one hundred and nine World Series titles. This is the only game today because the other teams are protesting.”
“Ya but our umpire is looking good with a built in air conditioning unit.'
“Ya...heat stroke is not a pretty thing is it?”
“No it isn't and neither is suffocation or electrocution. You can't use solar panels without expecting boiling heat...that's just crazy but Bud Selig knows what he's doing.”
“Ya...he does. Anyway, Commissioner Bud Selig said if anything happened to him today he'd drop all charges against Roger Clemens and induct him into the hall of fame and give back the World Series flags to the perspective teams but give all the Yankee wins to the Red Sox and Cubs and you know that's not going to happen.”
“Sure isn't. Not with the air conditioning drying out the container. I heard that even the water in the air is dried out. It is just bone dry in there...hey he's not going to dehydrate is he? I mean they took out the source of water in the PlastaTube or whatever that death trap is called!”
“Stop it, Bud knows what he's doing. Anyway, great conditions to watch a game hu right Kerwin!”
“Kerwin!”
“Kerwin!”
'I think...uh oh....that's not good. Here come the paramedics...”
Thursday, May 15, 2009
“Welcome everyone. We want to welcome Hall of Famer Roger Clemens who got inducted yesterday. Roger, holding a bag of steroid candy that he handed out to the kids to encourage them in their baseball growth. ”
“Nice...gesture. He called them the Bug Selig. Appropriate.”
“Anyway...we finally got things right in the Plasticone...although Kerwin had a nervous breakdown after almost dying of heat exhaustion...collapsing in the booth and screaming for water...but that's fixed.”
“It is and after electrocution, suffocation, heat exhaustion and now dehydration, Bud Selig said that if anything happened to him he'd induce Barry Bonds into the Hall Of Fame and offer him the renaming of the Hall Of Fame to the Barry Bonds Hall Of Fame. “
“Good because we have air conditioning and running water so the umpire can drink from a sink with a pressure hose that's 2 inches long. They made the hose rubber since they were afraid of lightening strikes. Kerwin is in there now. He's sort of just starring into the wind. That nervous breakdown really got to him but Bud Selig says...”
“Ya we've heard it before...hey if that hose burst it could empty out within seconds into the Plasticone and drown him.”
“Nobody is that incompetent. Bud Tested it himself...”
“You're kidding. Oh man...Kerwin. Kerwin...get out of there fast!!!”
'GLUB...HELP!!!”
“Oh this is not good. Here come the paramedics...again.”
Friday May 16, 2009
“Welcome everyone to Florida baseball. We want to welcome Barry Bonds into the Bonds Hall Of Fame as he handed out steroid lollipops to the babies...we understand some abnormal growth and birth defects are happening in the kids that took Roger's candy. Just keeps getting better and better. ”
“Oh man...thank goodness the President got involved. ”
“I know it. President Obama donated a bullet proof car for the umpire after he drowned yesterday when the hose burst.”
“Tragedy...especially after his electrocution, suffocation, dehydration and drowning and several nervous breakdowns but Bud Selig said that if anything happened to him he'd make steroids legal and encourage them in baseball and fine those who didn't take them.
“You know this isn't a good track record here with heat exhaustion, lightening strikes, drowning, suffication and all.”
“What? I couldn't hear you with that car explosion.”
“What? Are you saying the car exploded. “
“I don't get it. Bud worked on the car himself.”
“And here come the paramedics...again. Anything left of him?”
Monday May 19, 2009
“Good evening everyone. It is cold here in the Pittsburgh in the all drug baseball game. Everyone grew so fast overnight that they had to order larger uniforms as we watch the Yankees play the Pirates.”
“Ya...but this time we got it right.”
“Ya...right. Kerwin is at his home with four broken bones, a busted rib, mild concussion. Thank goodness the car protected him from the worst of the explosion. Now he is watching the game via satellite using a keyboard to handle play by play and Bud Selig said if anything happened to him...well let's just hope that doesn't happen.”
“Exactly, nobody wants to play baseball in the nude.”
“That's right especially after electrocution, suffocation, dehydration, heat exhaustion...ah...I can't keep up anymore and let's not forget the car explosion. Bud Selig is a nut! This guy otta be out of baseball. We have all steroid baseball and those crazy nut case ideas. I'm waiting for burying the umpire under the ground and sticking a camera in his belly. No I'd better not say that because I'm sure Selig is writing it down right now! I know it and he'll promise to blow up the stadiums if that doesn't work and we follow all with it!“
“Calm down, There is now way we're playing nude baseball because he can't possibly get into trouble. He's got armed security with flaming torches. That was Buds idea you know!”
“You're kidding. Oh God. He'll set the house on fire!”
“Kerwin...get out of there!”
“AHHHH!”
There was a long pause.
'I guess we're all playing steroid induced nude baseball tomorrow. I can't wait for Bud's next ideas...oh here it is. Put him underground in a coffin with a camera in his belly and if he doesn't survive it then he'll blow up Yankee Stadium. I'm going home.”
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please keep your comments civil.