Chapter 12

Terry Francona is Mr. Obvious

Chapter 12 – Lugnuts

"Unfortunately, Julio Lugo has gotten quite popular with me because he's so easy to make fun of. This was somewhat inspired by someone with a math problem. Exaggeration is a wonderful thing. "

Julio Lugo walked into Terry's office carrying a piece of paper.

“Lugo have problem!”

Terry looked up and said, “it is obvious that you have many problems but why are you in my office?”

Lugo seemed confused and sat down.

“Lugo can't figure out this problem.”

“Oh, “said Tito. “that is obvious since you are sitting here in my office making me want to kill myself.”

“Tito...my mama make 256 cookies and she want to give the cookies out to people. She wants to give them out as eight cookies for each person. She want know how many people will get cookies. She no good in math like Lugo.”

Tito looked at the clock and then at Lugo.

“Your question?”
“Lugo no not what to do.”

“Yes, “said Tito. “I'm sure all of New England feels the same way about you.”

Lugo looked at the paper.

“OK, “said Tito. “How many cookies did your mom make?”

Lugo looked up and said with anger, “ya...mom didn't tell me did she!”
Tito sighed and said, “no, how many cookies did your mom make?”

“How would I know?”

“What did your mom write down on the paper for you?”

Lugo looked at the paper.

“Oh...ya...oh ya...eight!”

Tito looked forward and asked, “Lugo...have you ever thought about a lobotomy? I'm sure the entire team would chip in!.”

Lugo starred at the wall.

“OK...read the paper to me.”

Lugo smiled.

“OK. My mom made 256 cookies and she wants to give away eight cookies to each person.”

“So how many cookies?” begged Tito.

“AH...eight?”

Tito grabbed a hammer and crushed his hand with it.

“You do that a lot since I came back! Do you like hammer Tito?”

Tito said, “yes that is why all right. Now...how many cookies?”
“Ah, “said Lugo. “you keep asking Lugo and Lugo keep telling you he not know! Mama not tell him!”

“256, “screamed Tito.

“Oh...my mom made that many cookies. How you know that? You must be smart!”

“Lugo...don't encourage me!, “gritted Tito's teeth.

“Now, “said Tito. “ She wanted to give them eight cookies per person...how many people?”

“Ya...Lugo need to know that.”

Tito threw a pencil across the room.

“Look at it this way. What if your mother made ten cookies.”

“OK...but I thought she make eight cookies, “said Lugo.

“She made 256 cookies but we're pretending to make ten cookies.”

“Like I pretend to be good shortstop.”

Tito pointed his finger and said, “exactly!”

“Now...if your mother made ten cookies and she decided to give two cookies to each person...how many people would get cookies.”

“Ah...twenty?”

Tito grabbed a hammer and smashed his other hand but the pain didn't last long enough for him.

“Let's try this. Your mother made two cookies and she decided to give two cookies to each person. How many people will get cookies?”

“Ah...ten?”

Tito then smashed his head against the desk. He then pulled out four baseballs.

“OK...let's say you have four balls here. You give away two balls per person...how many people get baseballs.”

Lugo looked and said, “wow...that's hard. How you figure that one out?”

Tito looked forward and said, “a lobotomy would really help you with this problem.”

Lugo sighed and said, “how?”

Tito sighed and said, “If I have one baseball on the table...and I take one away and give it to you. How many do I have left?”

Lugo looked and studied the situation. “I don't know.”

Tito leaned back in his chair. He was out of hands to smash.

“Oh...Lugo know...I have no balls left.”

“The world is so thankful for that answer, “said Tito. “Now...if I have two baseballs and I give two away to a person...how many do I have left!”

“None because you gave away two!”

Tito sighed. Lugo was smart after all.

“OK...now if your mother made 256 cookies and gives away one cookie a piece to every person...how many people get cookies.”

Lugo sighed and thought about it.

“30??”

“Not your IQ score Lugo...I'm talking about the cookies! THE COOKIES!!!”

“You make cookies too, 'said Lugo.

Tito leaned back and said, “All right...the answer is 256 because if she made 256 cookies and gave away 256 cookies to 256 people then she would have no cookies LEFT!”

“Wow Tito, “said Lugo. “How'd you figure that out?”
Tito then pulled out a sheet of paper. “OK...256 cookies DIVIDED by eight cookies per person is 32 people...”

“Hey...Lugo was only two off! I said 30 cookies per person!”

Tito pulled his hair out of his head...whatever was left of it. Tito then walked out of his office leaving Lugo to ponder his thoughts.

“Hey Tito.”

He looked up. “it was Theo Epstein.”

“Hey Tito...good news. I know you're really frustrated with Lugo so Tony Pena Jr. is coming over to help us out. I signed a five year seventy million dollar contract.

Tito looked up and said, “his OBP is .189. How is that possible?'

“Tito...trust me. This guy's gonna produce!”

Tito saw Lugo leave the office.

“I got it Tito...mom needs 256 cookies to give away 512 people 23 cookies a piece.”

“Yes, “said Tito. “Now go to your mom and get those 512 cupcakes to give to 256 Frenchman at 3400 cupcakes a piece.”

Lugo smiled and said, “aw Tito. You kidder. We know no Frenchmen.”

Tito sighed and said, “so...how good is Pena Jr.”