Chapter 13 - Julio Lugo 'solves' a Math Problem
"Poor Julio Lugo. While we are all tested in our patience, Lugo does make the perfect host for nasty satire...or is this autobiographical. You decide!
Julio Lugo walked into Terry Francona's office. Julio Lugo sat down with a paper in his hand.
“Ah, “said Terry. “You have another math problem. One second while I get my hammer and Vodka.”
Tito got his hammer and his Vodka
“By the way, you have a signed petition from the New York Yankees. They are desperate for me to play you every game. “
Julio smiled. Tito did not. That was obvious.
“All teams love Lugo!”
“What is the question? “ asked a sardonic Tito.
“Ah...If Youk and Dustin have 1/5 of the pizza each what is left over for Lugo. They say I can have pizza if I figure that out.”
“I have bad news...”
“What?' asked a curious Lugo.
“You will never get the pizza!”
“Come on Tito, “laughed Lugo. “Lugo smart!”
Tito leaned forward. “OK, how many pieces are there total in the pizza.”
“That's the problem. They not tell Lugo!”
Tito sighed and used his hammer on the his hand crushing the bones. He felt better.
“OK, let's try again. How many slices were made in the pizza.”
“Ah...two?”
Tito grabbed his hammer and smashed his other hand biting his teeth together in agony.
“Let's try this again since I'm out of hands...what is the 5 in 1/5 mean?”
Lugo scratched his head.
“Ah...that easy...that's the bottom number!”
Tito grabbed a glass and his Vodka and guzzled some in his mouth.
“OK...this problem is too complex...ah...calculus you know.”
Lugo hit the desk with his fist.
“They always play tricks on Lugo...make him feel dumb but Lugo smart because he go to them and tell him no calculus problem!”
“Well, “said Tito, “now about that lobotomy...”
“OK...next problem. Lugo buy 140 pounds of fish. He divide up into three piles. How many pounds of fish in each pile?
Tito grabbed a knife from his desk and crushed the blade into the desk.
“OK...what should we do?”
Tito gritted his teeth and said, “think about it!”
Lugo said there as drool dripped down his face seeping into his uniform.
“Let's not do that!”
Lugo woke up and said, “right...140 pounds of fish...that's the total. And divide into three piles...that means three piles...what is the weight?”
Tito nodded.
“140 times three equals...ah...let me get calculator. Four hundred and twenty pounds in each pile.”
“That's not possible, “said Tito. “Nobody can be that...ah...never mind.”
Lugo smiled as drool seeped down his face.
“OK...forget that. How can you have 420 pounds of fish in each pile when the total is only 140 pounds!”
Lugo started to laugh.
“Lugo not care about right answer for first Lugo want to understand problem. Getting answer means Lugo know nothing!”
Tito said, “Lugo you are the prefect candidate for a lobotomy...you know that right?”
Lugo said, “what fish have lobotomy?”
Tito grabbed his 45 handgun and shot bullets into the windows of his office.
“Ah...the gun is Lugo hint! Does that mean the fish have guns?”
Tito's eyes bulged open. His teeth gritted. His hands almost bled from gripping the desk.
“I got it...140 pounds – 3 pounds. That's 120 ounces.”
Tito held his hate in.
“That is very good. You have done a subtraction instead of a division...managing somehow to change the pounds to ounces at the same time. I have an idea. Have you thought about electrocution? “
Lugo smiled and walked up shouting to the clubhouse. “Hey first answer is calculus and Lugo not know and second answer is 120 ounces. You guys can't fool Lugo.”
Tito got up and walked past Lugo. He ran up to Theo's office.
“I NEED ANOTHER SHORTSTOP!!!”
Theo said, “doesn't Lugo need some 'strengthening exercises.”
Tito nodded and said, “yes...that is obvious but what about exploratory surgery. Surely there must be a tapeworm in there. That is obvious!”
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