Mazzeltov and Shalom all my little mensches and shiksas!! Jewlio Lugo here to begin your course in Jewish cooking. You might ask; is he mischugennah? Vat's he doingk? Dat leeddle pipsqveak tinks he'z a Jew? Oy vey!!! By the way, did you know that Jewlio Lugo sounds just like Henry Kissinger??
OK, so here's how I got to be a Dominican Jew. Back in the good old days of the Spanish Inquisition my Great great great great great great great great great grandfather Julius Lugoschevitz and my Great great great great great great great great great grandmother Rachel Fernandowitz fled Spain and settled in the Island Paradise of the D.R. They shortened their names, learned the Hail Mary Prayer and football play, and Bingo!!(as they say) , Saved!!!! Close call, but they didn't look forward to being placed in an Iron Maiden. Or listening to Iron Maiden for that matter. But I digress. Study this simple nine part course and you'll know how to cook like a Jewlio!

Lesson One:

Laatkes, also known as Potato Pancakes, also known as Lugo's Revenge:

First you'll need to steam clean your lawnmower, or if you still have a job these days, buy a new one. This will be your industrial style food processer. Laatkes are labor intensive. They're also indigestion intensive, but that's another episode altogether.

For the pancakes:
50 pounds Russet Burbank potatoes
25 medium onions
30 eggs
1 cup flour
2 ounces salt
one box baking powder

toss the potatoes on your kitchen floor. Start the lawnmower, put on goggles and "mow" the potatoes. Careful, sometimes the mower will buck, don't worry. When your potatoes look like a pile of goo, scoop them into your seement mixer. Next throw the onions onto the floor. Repeat the mowing step and put the onion gunk into the seement mixer with the potatoes. Add all the other ingredients, holding back the cardboard box that the baking powder came in. Reserve the cardboard for the cooking step.

Turn on your seement mixer to high speed and mix for 5 hours. Transfer to your bathtub for one week or 7 days, whichever comes first.

In the meantime build your frying pan: Cut the cardboard from the baking powder into strips and caulk them into an outline around your driveway.

On a scorching hot July day unscrew the plug on your cars oilpan and drain the oil into your driveway/frying pan. Let the sun heat her up to 130 degrees F.

Remove the potato batter from the bathtub and slowly pour this oozing slime onto your driveway/frying pan. Wait two days or until the mixture is thoroughly congealed. To test doneness feed a sample piece to some Muslim Jhihadists, newly arrived from Guantanamo, and wait for 24 hours. If they are still alive(too bad) then your pancakes are done.

Garnish with 2 cases of apple sauce and three quarts of sour cream. Dot with sprigs of dill.

Note: when serving Jewlio's authentic Laatkes be sure to have paramedics handy.

Next week: Babka the way my Bhabbi made it!