Nightmare Series - 4

The Scientific Principle

"I wrote this purely to have fun with the scientific background I do have and play around with the idea of the great scientists meeting in all one room. If you have a scientific background, you will LOVE IT"

Quiet, reflective and pensive, Jason Varitek walked along a long corridor that opened up to a large sun filled room where a cast of characters surrounded an oval table. The seat at the head of the table was empty. Jason sighed.

“Not this nightmare again, “snapped Jason.

“Jason, about time! “ snapped Albert as Jason waved as politely as one could do in such an awkward circumstance. Already the crowd was bursting with arguments and debates. They were known for that one.

“It's Kason idiot...”

A long pause.

“Oh...sorry wrong nightmare, “said Kason Gabbard who strolled out of the room. Jason could still hear mutterings of “running gag, that's all I am” spitting out of Kason's mouth.

“Sir...I beseech you. Make an entry at the table, “said Issac.

Jason strolled towards the table taking the longer route as a stiff necked and stubborn set of geniuses surrounded him. He sat down starring at their eyes.

“So the problematic son returns, “snapped Robert.

“Can we get on with this, “grumbled Jason leaning away from the table and starring at the sun.

“Why do we bother with this incompetent, “snapped Archimedes.

“Let me guess...it's on principle, “joked Albert.

“Funny...just like your grand unification theory...Albert!”

That snapped the bark off of Einstein's candor. He burned with fire and smashed his fist against the table.

“Would Albert like an apple? “ joked Issac.

Jason rolled his eyes and slammed the table.

“Six nights in a ROW I am sitting around with you all making bad puns with each other! You're scientists for heavens sakes!”

Silence struck the table.

“Sir, “said Einstein. “The point is that we need you to finally settle the grand unification theory with string theory as the basic principle...with some MAJOR modifications of course. Genius requires collaboration...even if it is with these idiots!”

Jason pulled on some of his hair. The crowd cursed and screamed.

“Will you all SHUT UP” screamed Jason. That calmed them down. He sighed and said, “I told you. I can't remember anything when I wake up. I know we solved the equation but I can't remember it.”

“Maybe, “snapped Hubbard, “If you spent less time working with Julio Lugo and more time on science, we'd get somewhere. You might even expand on my points”

Jason groaned as did the rest of the crowd.

“Hubbard, “snapped Jason. “That was the worst pun I have heard all night.”

“Well I did discover the universe was expanding you know. Not that the average public knows it. You know, I'm more than a man named after a stupid telescope!”

Jason sighed. Everyone else grumbled.

“You're right Hubbard. Scientific endeavor just ruins lives, “sighed Galileo. “Take me. Excommunicated from the church and locked in isolation all for being a scientist. Suffering is what we do!”

The hand crushed the table.

“Suffering? You don't know the word...SUFFERING! Whiny-leo! Talk about isolation. Try writing the Origin of Species you pathetic clod!”

Jason rolled his eyes. Here we go again.

“Oh at least you're well known. Look at me! I invent AC current but who remembers Tesla, “snapped Nikola. “Another great Russian tragedy. No, it's all about that idiot Edison and his back stabbing ways. I'll back stab him!”

“Edison wasn't a scientist, “snapped Einstein. “He was a tinkerer and a bad one at that but he was one hell of a marketer. That was something science needs. Marketing! We need an ad campaign!“

Laughter ran around the table.

“Scientific ideas are a graveyard without morality, “cried out Oppenheimer.

“You bombed on that one, “chuckled Newton.

“Oh real funny Newton! Oh I just can't stop laughing on that one, “rebutted Oppenheimer the head scientist who helped create the first atomic bomb.

“Am I needed here?”

The room went silent.

“Sorry Jason...you know how passionate everyone here is about their work, “sighed Einstein.

“Passionate. I relate magnetism to electricity but who recognizes my work...oh Maxwell's equations are great for a set of student groans! Ug!”

“That's the breaks” said Heisenberg

“Are you 'certain' about that one, “chuckled Einstein,

“Oh that's such a great joke Albert coming from a man who refuted all the science of atomic physics because it didn't agree with Einstein's principles of the universe. I mean it was so original and witty...NOT!”

“I do hope I get to at least periodically jump in, “said Dmitri Mendeleev.

A groan flowed through the room.

“Oh come now. From the man who invented the periodic table...I say that's funny.” said Ben Franklin.

“It's dump, “snapped Einstein. “And by the way...get out Franklin. You were banned for a month. “

“For what? “ asked an innocent Franklin.

“Franklin, “snapped Marie Curie, the discoverer of Radium. “That's not a hand warmer!”

“And I'm not a young man anymore!” said Franklin.

“Look, this is all really...weird but this nightmare can't last forever...right?”

“Quite right, “said Einstein. “Jason...we have collaborated and have finally discovered the true theory of everything – my grand unification theory.”

“My theory, “said Newton.

“We ALL contributed, “screamed Archimedes, “but some of us had more in EGO than in smarts! I mean I invented calculus and what happens to my work...it becomes a #$#$ prayer book and gets lost until recently leaving 'Archimedes Light'...oh sorry...I meant Newton to RE-DISCOVER IT”

Newton got up and threw an apple at Archimedes that smashed him on the head.

“Oh that's great. Getting my head cut off once wasn't enough for you Newman Newton!”

Newton rose aiming a gun at his face.

“To compare me with a television character is beyond disgust!”

“ENOUGH” screamed Jason. “You're all dead...can't you at least act civil!”

Rumbling ran around the room.

“I...ah...I discovered the relationship with current, voltage and resistance, “said a lone voice in the room. “I did!”

Small chuckles filtered through the room.

“Thank you little Ohm...your minor contribution to the Ohm Meter is well noted...now go to the next room with the minor scientists meet and discuss your little ideas together.”

Georg left holding his head between his chest.

“That's so 'nice' of you Einstein, “snapped Marie Curie. “I'm surprised a woman was even allowed in this room with such idiot people!”

“Quite right, “ snapped Newton...” get out!”

Marie left as Franklin chased after her.

“For heaven's sake Franklin. When did you have time for inventing!” cried Marie.

Franklin cried out and said, “I'm reinventing myself all the time baby!”

Jason got up.

“OK...I'm otta here. I have a game tonight and frankly this is getting really tiring!”

“Wait Jason...we have the theory. Just listen to it!”

Jason yawned and woke up. He opened his eyes. There were his magazines on the table. Brad Penny, tonight's pitcher was sitting opposite of him.

“Man...you OK Jason?”

Jason sighed and said, “I've got to stop reading Scientific American Journals. “

Brad said, 'what's a journal?”

Jason groaned and said, “it's so true.”