Golf meets Baseball

Golf Meets Baseball.

"This came as an idea from Arnie's frustrations about golf. I decided it might be fun to see what would happen of golf announcers did a baseball game. This was a hard one to write and it was hard not to incorporate a bit of camp into the piece. You judge for yourself. This might be considered part II of the piece I wrote satirizing a game of golf.

“Good evening everybody. I'm Bill and this is Phil. I suppose you were expecting Jerry and Don...”
“I think his last name is Oswald.”
Ya well Don Ozywall and Jerry Rembrant... are not here.”
“That's because we're here. We normally do golf but tonight we're doing baseball because Jerry Renault and Don Ozerbat...”
“I think it's Orsanders.”
“Oh...well we're replacing them since Don Orbitsander...is not here...and neither is the staff for the most part...out searching the city of Cleveland for them...missing the game..”
“Finding them...”
“Exactly...but we're here...greeting you. Say hello Bill.”
“I'm Phil.”
“Right Bill.”
“Phil.”
“OK...Bill.”
“It's...PHIL...sorry...this stadium is so...'
“It feels so less tranquil and pastoral sort of like the Roman gladiators slaughtering the slaves...I suppose that's what many feel when watching this game. I mean the green itself reminds you of the blood spilled by millions who died under the brutal dictatorships of Nero and Pilate and Caesar.”
“Oh wow they move fast in this game. Already action is happening...”
“Can't even comment on the field or the air and the settings. Golf is like a good book but baseball is like NTV or MQE or whatever that is. “
“Ya...well we'll hurry it along. Jacob Ell..is...Ellis...who is here to tee off and is part Indian...very multicultural world in baseball. “
“Want to mention that unlike golf the ball is thrown at you. Lots of balls thrown at you. Must hurt.”
“I think it does...maybe that's why they wear...helmets.”
A pause.
“Look at all the Cleveland Indian players out on the field to honor Jacob Ellis who is part Indian. They really do look like trees out on the golf course. It's very mesmerizing. Ah...I feel so rushed. “
“I know it. Did I tell you I went to France last week...”
“Oh really...that must have been exciting. I mean the food the venue, the air and the culture. They don't have baseball in France...”
“But they do have golf with the titanium clubs and the computer controlled laser design...”
“Oh...Jacob is heading back to the clubhouse. Did you see him spit. That's disgusting. Such primitive behavioral extractions. If I were the manager I'd strike him with a club!”
“Bats...they're called bats. Maybe because they play at night...you know bats...just winging it here.”
A small chuckle was heard from Phil.
“Oh now we have Dusty Pedigree or something like that. These names are confusing.”
“Very Phil. I think the Dusty because he's probably ...'messy.' you know. Baseball has a lot of nicknames like ah...ah... ”
A pause.
“Whatever happened to Jacob Ellis. ”
“Wow...Dusty hit the ball hard with his club into the green avoiding the sandtraps...but he's walking back to the dugout too after they caught it. There must be some importance to this ritual. ”
“Strange why didn't he go to the 1st hole?”
A pause.
“Ah...they're called bases.”
“Oh a base...hole...basehole is that it? Well I'm not quite sure I'm understanding it. No trees, crowds that are so disturbingly loud and the vial spitting.”
“Adverb!”
“What?”
“Don't use 'ly' adverbs...they make you sound less professional. I would say the crowds are loud and disturb the ambiance of the baseball course.”
“Ya...it does sound better. That was unprofessional of me.”
“Ya...these baseball names...very argot.”
“Ya...like adding mustard to Foie Gras...sort of mixing it up.”
“Hey what are those numbers...Ave...HR...RBI...”
“RBI...I have no idea...”
“Looks like David Orca or whatever his name is walks to the basehole. “
“Talk about strange names. Here is Kevin Youkilist...I think it's pronounced like egg yoke..so it's yoke-a-list...Yokealist..that's bizarre. Does he like eggs?”
“He must.”
“I have...no clue what's going on do you?”
“Not really...I mean we should have read the rules...because now the ball was hit into the crowds...out of bounds and yet Kevin who likes egg yokes and David Orca are walking over the baseholes and now it's two over par for the Red Sox...wow they spelled Sox wrong.”
“Clearly uneducated people. I bet they don't even know about Foie Gras.”
“I'm going to be anguished already...they're consuming...sausage on white bread with...are they imbibing urine?”
“I think so...oh my...I am sick. I really need some Val D'Aosta cheese with Château Lafite at the La Meuric...I'm already feeling better.”
“I really appreciate your tastes but I prefer Taillevent but I think either selection carries with in an air of elegance and luxury that bears witness to greatness and wonder.
“I agree. As I always say Y a-t-il une spécialité locale”
“This is so much better than the game don't you think.”
“I do...so how you been Phil?”
“Fine...as a matter of fact...it makes me rather sanguine just knowing that a golf course awaits me in Germany.”
“As it does myself. The fresh smelling grass and the slight wind trickling through my brow does send sensations like walking along Champs-Elysées. “
“Becoming a bit touristy don't you think? All those with no culture pretending they are above the norm.”
“That's rather insulting...from a man who probably uses aluminum for a nine iron.”
“I find that rather crude of you. Perhaps you've spent too much time at Burrito Bell or whatever they call that.”
A long pause followed by a punch in the stomach.
“By the way. I've just finished Les Miserables...I think Jean Valjean...if he were alive today it would be you eating black bread.”
“No it would have been yourself indulging in business class.”
“Then I could look at you...in coach.”
A long pause followed by smashing glass and cracked cups.
“Tacky fast food. All those calories and repulsive flavors. I suppose you must love it along with the liquid excretory product they drink.'
A long pause.
“OWWW...”
Another long pause.
“We are asked in a desperate manner by our producer to go to Heidi Watkins...or something like that? “
“Hi Phil...Hi...Bill. You two are sure...unique. Just want to mention the slam by Youkilis represents yet another reason why Kevin has earned his right in the cleanup spot constantly putting the ball into the stands. Back to you Phil.”
A long pause with heavy breathing.
“It's quite warm in here Phil.”
“I'm feeling it too Bill...the air...we don't have Heidi in golf?”
“I know...and I feel I haven't had enough of Heidi. Let's go back to Heidi.”
“I like the dress and the hair...and her rather impressive intelligence.”
A long pause as the camera shows Heidi with her jaw facing the floor.
“She's not saying anything...Heidi...you really have impressed us in the booth. I feel you yourself should be doing these games. Can we have your phone number!”
“Perhaps you could sit between us in golf games...monitoring the greats...”
'I'd love too, “snapped Heidi. “My boyfriend, would also like to meet you as well. He's very fond of golf clubs and baseball BATS!!!”
The camera went back to the booth.
“It's...cold in here isn't it.”
“Very...I'm feeling shivers...”
“Like visiting London and consuming...”
“Oh...don't get me started on England. They're attempts at culinary...”
And so the beat goes on.