Mike Lowell talks about his pain.

Mike Lowell's RSN Dating Service

“No Yanks...No Shanks!”

Arnie said to me to write up a dating service with Mike Lowell. I couldn't help myself. I realized this could be a great satire on the frustration of Mike Lowell over the attempted purchase of one Mark (he-who-must-not-be-named) which would have meant the end of Mike Lowell's stay in Boston after Mike took a lower salary just because he loved the team. Read on...it's hysterical.

“Hi I'm Mike Lowell and I mean it. If you're a Yankee fan...get out. I mean you're the worst. You know Theo Epstein asked me to do this and stand in front of his house with a dating service sign – actually the location was my idea – knowing I'm such a LOYAL Red Sox fan and I would just...do that.“

Mike, dressed in a custom pin striped suit walked towards the camera with an angry flare in his cheeks. Behind him was indeed the beautiful home of Theo Epstein.

“Now this new dating service is about finding loyal relations with the girl or guy or guy or girl or guy and guy or girl and girl of your choice. That's because loyalty is what the Red Sox is all about.”

Mike paused. He felt the sweat drip down his spine. He gripped his hands together.

“I mean...let's talk about loyalty. Let's say I play for you...HARD...and re-sign a contract with you – at crappy cash value because I love your team – after WINNING the World Series and GETTING an MVP award in that World Series...I mean...doesn't that COUNT FOR SOMETHING.“

Mike pauses then falls to the ground.

“Of course...I've moved past that.”

Mike forces a smile through his face.

“Now, “said Mike grabbing a machine gun and aiming it at the air. He then noticed he was being filmed and moved the gun behind his back.

“Because at Mike Lowell's dating service...we also find partners for you that help you through tough times...like let's say you get a hip injury . You play through that hip injury...UNTIL you CAN BARELY WALK. AHHHH!!!!”

Mike turns around and sprays the lawn and gardens with machine gun fire. He sprays the sign with bullets smashing the sign that says “No Yanks...No Shanks.' He's screaming at the top of his lungs. The gun is empty of bullets. Mike put the gun down and let the smoke cover the air. He walks through the smoke closer to the now shaky camera.

“Whew...that's not good because here at Mike's dating service...it's all about...love...like when you play through a HIP INJURY until you're LIMPING!”

Mike then picks up the flame thrower and walks through the yard burning the house.

“Now...you endure a lot of @#$#$ to be LOYAL...but you know...you're LOYAL. That's what they say. That's ALL they say! AHHHHH”

Mike shoots the flame thrower and burns the house. Windows smolder in smoke and the sides of the house catch fire. Mike screams until he's horse as an hysterical laugher overcomes him until the tank runs out of fuel. He turns around. The entire house is burning.

“But I'm not bitter, “said Mike inhaling the fumes in the air. His eyes are glazed with insanity.

Mike then walks toward the street.

“Because it's about loyalty and love and compassion. Like...let's say...you LEARN that your services are no longer needed and you are asked to watch a player named Mark #$#$zero Texeria gets an offer of $170 million because Mike #$#$ Lowell isn't GOOD anymore. WHY WOULD I BE BITTER! After all...WE HAVE JULIO LUGO. Can't get rid of that retard! He's too important to the team. We have Lopez the lefty specialist and Lugo the retard specialist...but I don't care. I got to play in the WBC...NOT...AHHHH”

Mike grabs a bazooka and holds it in the air.

“I'm not bitter!!!!”

Mike shoots a missile that destroys the home behind him. He laughs hysterically and jumps around and up and down before his hip starts to hurt. He turns towards the camera.

“Anyway...the point is that we have a great dating service here and since I'm a LOYAL Red Sox player...who is so LOVED by everyone but Dumbo Epstein...AHHH”

Mike grabs a hand grenade and throws it at the street. It explodes. He laughs and jumps around waving his arms in the air. He stops and turns around.

“Anyway...as A loyal Red Sox fan...I can certainly attest to an excellent dating service where if you're a Yankee fan...you certainly won't be welcomed...because the RED SOX TREAT YOU SO WELL...AHHHHHH”

Mike then ran to the end of the street. He falls into a large Sherman Tank.

“Next stop...Fenway PARK! AHHHH.”

The tank rides off shooting missles from the gun.

Call now for Mike Lowell's dating service – no Yanks and no Shanks or simply run and hide.