Manny and Lugo dolls

This satire has had a lot of legs to it. It's a rewrite of two summer articles that merged into one Christmas article that now is a generic article. Sadly Manny and Lugo seem to never run out of steam.

Gift ideas for the family

Hey kids, it’s (insert your favorite holiday here) time and have we got a deal for you!

“Hello, I’m Julio Lugo and I want you in the big leagues so learn from the best because if I can make it...SO CAN YOU!"

Join Julio Lugo as he is going to attempt to show you the fundamentals of baseball: hitting, throwing, bunting, and running from what many call “the best shortstop in the game???” From Julio, you’ll learn how to hit like the pros.

“It’s like I say, when you see the ball come at you, swing away from it and look towards the left field wall and make sure you swing hard at the air and then you’ll hit like me.”

Julio shows you how to hit a curveball, fastball, slider, knuckleball, cutter, sinker, two seamer, or whatever you face.

“All pitches look the same to me. Eventually you’ll get a hit if you try hard enough and if it takes 200 at bats, that’s OK because sometimes it takes me an entire season to get a hit out of the infield.“

But that’s not all. Learn advanced fielding techniques from Lugo on how to be that all star short stop.

“The basic thing is, when you see the ball come at you, try to dance left and right, move back or forward and if you don’t get near that ball, that’s called a fielder’s choice. It’s when you actually make contact with the ball that it’s an error and you don’t want that. ’

In addition, Lugo teaches you his award winning throwing advice.

“If you grab the ball, throw it as fast as you can. I never bother looking at who or where I’m throwing the ball and hey...that's maybe that's why I make so many errors throwing to first base. ”

Most of all Lugo teaches you the double play ball.

“The double play ball is the most fundamental skill you can learn as a shortstop and when I figure it out, I’ll pass on those tips to you – my number one fans.”

Lugo also teaches you how to bunt.

“The bat…it’s sort of like a snow shovel…ah…I don’t know what I’m talking about but just stick it out there and make sure you have a helmet on. I find bunting works really well because it gives me a better chance of getting a hit. Luck for me works better than talent because I'm having problems with the talent part. “

That’s right but that’s not all. You’ll also learn running techniques that will wow your fans and your friends.

“Running is really important because when you blow the game the team congratulates you by throwing batting helmets at you. Ow that hurts!“

Ready to play in the big leagues. Julio Lugo has got the talent and the drive to get you there. Learn baseball from the best.

“And that’s not all!”

That’s right. If you act now, you’ll get the Julio Lugo blooper video.

“Here you’ll watch every single play I made from the 2008 season and the great new ones from 2009. We were going to call it the Best Of Julio Lugo but that only lasted a minute so we realized it was better doing a four-hour blooper real. Hey, lots of laughs but don't make it a drinking game every time I make error...very dangerous.”

The Julio Lugo blooper real is the perfect drinking game. Every time Lugo makes an error you take a drink. It’s guaranteed to laugh your way to liver failure in just one sitting. The average time to alcoholic poisoning is about an ten minutes give or take a beer. A one hundred percent death rate has been reported so drink responsibly.

“All of that for just $19.95…that’s all right? “

Are you kidding, we’ve got more. If you order in the next ten minutes you’ll get the Julio Lugo’s dunce cap.

“Wow what a deal and it’s the same one my team mates make for me after every game. Got lots of those to give away. Whew but is that all?”

Are you kidding!!!! Kids, if you order in the next ten minutes, you’ll get your favorite hero in a large and colorful doll. The Manny Ramirez doll that we’re calling the Zazu doll and it’s loaded with features. Just gently touch any part of his body and he says, “ow, I’m injured. I need to go on the disabled list for a long time. " or "oh I took steroids but don't worry...it's only fifty games. Manny never create problem for team especially since Manny only make...ah $25 million!"

But that’s not all. Just touch the optional cell phone and you get a variety of messages from Zazu like: “Sign my ridiculous contract and I'll be fined for 50 days and make an idiot out of myself all over again!"

In addition his arms have a rockem-sockem action. Just press the lever and Manny knocks down the optional press agent or travel agent action figure and crushes them into dust. Rock on Zazu!

The functional Zazu doll comes with three buttons you press to customize the sayings for each team. Press the Cleveland Button and Manny says things like “I’m leaving you losers and I’m going to play on the Red Sox forever ” or press the Red Sox button and Manny says “says “I hate it here. Trade me, or one of my knees will suddenly ache and I will not board the plane to Seattle." or "I have a problem doctor and I need 50 days to work it out. Got something for me!"

Don’t miss out on the limited edition Zazu doll. It’s only $150.00 for the entire package but it’s yours free in the next ten minutes and that’s not all. Purchase this doll and Manny will personally leave a message on your answering machine just like this:

“Hi, this is Manny Ramirez. Whomever you are, they or he or she is not home or not in an apartment or whatever and if they have kids they’re not home or something or maybe they’re all dead in a fire. Hey am I getting paid for this? “

The Zazu doll is something you’ll want to keep as a family prize but just remember the doll melts down after 100 days due to the radioactive materials used in the manufacturing process so join in now for the Zazu doll.!

Just call 1 800 – BUY THIS or log onto the website www.juliofiresale.com and you’ll get the video, the blooper tape, the dunce cap and the Zazu doll all for just $19.95. Hurry while supplies last.

“Learn how to play in the big leagues or your money back…hey I’m not gonna sell any if I say that…oh my error! If you buy my video and make it to the big leagues, you get your money back! Whew, glad we got that settled. Hey is this being recorded?”

Just call 1 800 – BUY THIS or log onto the website www.juliofiresale.com and you’ll get the video, the blooper tape and the smelly rotting underwear or socks all for just $19.95. Hurry while supplies last.

“Learn how to play in the big leagues or your money back…hey I’m not gonna sell any if I say that…oh my error! If you buy my video and make it to the big leagues, you get your money back! Whew, glad we got that settled. Hey is this being recorded?”